E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 26

by Rook

Chapter 26

~806 words

The elevator dinging, Jay and Cabot stepped into the ground-floor lobby. The floor was polished white tiles that reflected the bright lights set into the ceiling. Studying this floor was Fleta. She looked like she had come to terms with the monstrous size of the city, and was now bored out of her skull. When she Jay’s reflection in the floor approaching her, Fleta looked up. Jay leaned in close, as if he was going to help her up off the hard wooden bench.

“Why didn’t you run away?” Jay asked in a whisper. He was glad she had stayed, but he had worked hard to convince Cabot that it would be better if Fleta didn’t come with them to the gold appraisal.

“I wouldn’t know where to go, or how to get back home,” she whispered back with a shrug.

They searched for an alley seedy enough to contain someone who would be willing to buy several hundred thousand dollars worth of gold from total strangers. They didn’t find their deal from a shady guy in a trench coat, however. A man sitting on a bench was talking on a Bluetooth headset, gesturing agitatedly with his hands. He was dressed in a rumpled gray suit.

“I’ll find a good investment,” the man said to whoever was on the other side of the phone. “There’s gotta be something we can do to save this ship.” He paused, dropping his head in shame. “Yes, I understand. I will do that.” He ended the call and sighed, slouching back against the bench’s backrest and rubbing his forehead absently.

Cabot had watched this all with the eyes of an eagle. He slid onto the bench, trying to act casual, and said, “I heard that. Tough times.”

“You said it,” the man agreed.

“I’m Cabot,” the still-red-cloaked man said, giving his award-winning smile and sticking out his hand.

“Oh, I’m William.” He shook.

“Nice to meet you, William. Say I’ve got an investment for you.”

Fear crept into William’s eyes. He thinks he’s being scammed, thought Jay. I guess I would be wary of this guy too. Jay stepped forward. “Pa,” he said in a hopefully-foreign accent, “when are we going to get home? I miss Ma, and the weather here is so different.” He coughed for emphasis.

Cabot glared at Jay, telling him that his acting was way over-done, but Fleta stepped forward too. “It’s okay Jay,” she said, trying to copy his accent, “we’ll figure it out somehow.”

By this time Cabot was holding his head in his hands. William must have been more desperate than he had appeared at first, because he clapped a hand on Cabot’s shoulder, saying, “And what would that proposition be?”

“I’ve got some gold here—real gold, mind you—but we can’t sell it because we’ve lost our important… documents of identification,” said Cabot.

“And how much is it worth?”

Cabot looked at Jay who said, “At least fifty thousand dollars. It’s a little over three pounds of pure gold. It’s certified too.”

The man rubbed his chin. “And what would you be asking for such a thing?”

Thoughts flew through Jay’s mind: transportation, food, shelter, other things that might come up. Plane tickets were expensive, and so were hotels. But wait! They’d need identification for both. Jay groaned a little bit. Cabot was looking at him, failing at seeming in charge of the situation. Jay thought some more. How could he get to Hollywood without identification? Boat? No there’s not a direct route. Bus? Jay had always hated busses. Train. He could probably get a train ticket without identification, or at least it would be easier for him to get someone else to buy it for him. Why didn’t I think of it sooner? We appeared right near the train station!

The man’s gaze shifted between Jay and Cabot. He seemed unsure as to answer. Jay finally spoke out: “Enough for three train tickets from here to Hollywood, plus two thousand.”

The man whipped out a smartphone and fiddled with it for a second, checking ticket prices. “Round-trip?” he asked.

Jay looked at Cabot. “Do we have to come back here to go back home?” he asked, trying to be as specific as he could be without using “portal.”

Cabot shook his head.

“No, no round-trip,” Jay answered.

“Then you’re offering me about fifty thousand dollars in return for about three thousand dollars? I can’t believe this.”

“How about this then,” Cabot said, pulling out the heavy bag of gold. “Pick any orb from this bag, and go have it appraised, sell it, whatever. You’ll see that it’s real gold. You come back here with three thousand, and we’ll give you the rest. Deal?” Cabot thrust out his hand again.

The man contemplated a moment before following suit. “Deal.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Fri Oct 24, 2014 11:13 pm

Hi there!

So, I didn't review the last chapter because there really wasn't anything else that I could add. You had lots of wonderful reviews that I felt like I'd just end up repeating everything.

Ah, I'm so glad that Jay is still thinking about Fleta's safety. Not that I ever doubted him, but it did kind of seem like he was just going to play along with Cabot's game and not cause any trouble. So it's nice to see that he's thinking of doing something to go against Cabot. I wonder if he has a plan in mind or if he's just going about all of this on the fly. I feel like he doesn't have a plan. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to really plan. Then again, he could surprise me. Guess I'll just have to read on to find out ;)

Quite convenient that they ended up finding this guy who's willing to take the gold from them, huh? Not that that's a bad thing, of course, but it seemed just a bit too easy. Maybe you could've had them spend a bit more time wandering the alleys? Maybe it's just me, but I like to give my characters a hard time, really make them suffer before finding the answers. I guess I'm just mean like that xD

And what about this man? He sounded quite desperate on the phone, so why is he so calm now when he's offered the gold? I was expecting him to snatch up the bag and hurry off to cash it in. That feeling of desperation shows through quite well when he's looking up the train tickets, as if he's just itching to cash the gold in. I wanted to see more of that desperation. Despite him being just a random person on the street, I wanted to know more about him. Maybe he'll be someone who sticks around for a while, who knows.

I'm really looking forward to them getting up and moving again. Despite the excitement going on here, I'm finding myself wondering back to what's happening with Shep and the trolls. Of course, I'm sure I'll have to wait a while to figure out what's happening back there *pouts* Anyway, Jay is off on another grand adventure! And luckily for him, he has the upper hand in this world. He grew up there. Well, not in Chicago or Hollywood, but in America, so he at least knows more that Cabot does. I hope he can use that to his advantage.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Sep 28, 2014 4:58 pm

Hi there Fortis!

Happy review day!

And yay for another chapter :D I always love reading this story because it's always so creative, and creativeness always attracts me. I think the only reason I ever picked it up in the first place was because it was by you, but then again, that is a good enough reason and I am glad I did! As for this chapter, I like how you dodged around the identification side of things! This is going to be a very long train ride by the looks of things :D Then again, I know nothing about the geography of America and Chicago could be next door to Hollywood for all I know... I can't believe they are wasting all this money! If it was me, my mum would've killed me for doing that :P

The floor was polished white tiles that reflected the bright lights set into the ceiling.


I feel like there is something missing in this sentence. Something like 'the floor was made of polished white tiles' or 'lined with polished white tiles.'

She looked like she had come to terms with the monstrous size of the city, and was now bored out of her skull.


Really? I find this hard to believe. Yes, she's been sitting around for a long time, and maybe she did get over her fear she clearly displayed before. But not even a whole day ago yet she just arrived in a brand new world. Just like when you're a baby there is so much to discover, the patterns, the sounds, to feel to compare and everything! I doubt she would be bored out of her mind yet. I know Cabot's coping pretty well, but he has been here before and could be trying to block out the onslaught of everything screaming "new" to get on with his mission. But my point is, I find it very hard to believe that Fleta is bored already ^^ There must be something amazing out there for her to scoff at yet. In fact, I wouldn't have been surprised if she wandered away just to check out what that shop could sell...

They didn’t find their deal from a shady guy in a trench coat, however.


Awh :( Like Timmy, I feel like we're missing out on something here! Maybe they never really approached a shady guy in a trench coat and this is just a statement or comment on the type of people they are not looking for. If there was a shady guy, however, it would be extremely funny to get to know the conversation and happenings that went on between them, and see the point where Jay doesn't trust this guy or want to sell to him. Because this sentence was mentioned, I felt like we were missing out on something, and you don't want your readers to feel like they missing out on bits of the story!

A man sitting on a bench was talking on a Bluetooth headset, gesturing agitatedly with his hands. He was dressed in a rumpled gray suit.


Seeing as this sentence runs on from the one I quoted just before this one, it felt a little broken up to me. There needed to be a transition sentence in there. Something like 'Jay noticed a man sitting on a bench..." or something, just to relate us back to the characters after the previous statement and then move us on to the new character.

I liked that we saw a little bit more of Fleta in this chapter, even if it wasn't much and she was feeling a bit dejected. I have been feeling like these chapters have been largely dominated by Cabot and Jay here, for good reason of course. It would be nice if Jay also paid a fleeting thought to this friends, Shep and the trolls, who are frozen back in their world just so the reader has a little reminder of their condition and the urgency of their task. It would be a little bit nice to remind the reader every now and again.

Otherwise, there isn't anything more to say! I wonder what will play out on this train journey and if there will be any fuss in there at all. I can't wait to see if they find this object Cabot is looking for or not :D Write more chapters like this one!

Deanie x

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here!

So this will be a shorter review than usual, but I will try to fit in as much as I can in few words, okay? Running short on time, so yeah. A bit shorter. Not much, hopefully. Let's rock on.

I was very happy to see that you didn't forget Fleta. Silly reader that I am, I thought you had forgotten about her, and now we get a lovely part telling us what she was doing, and what she was thinking while Cabot and Jay were in there chatting with the gold-guy. So it was nice to know what was going through her head and stuff while Jay was in there.

While I am here, let me bring your attention to really the only nitpick worth mentioning.

Say I’ve got an investment for you


Comma after say

but Fleta stepped forward too.


Comma after forward

It’s certified too.”


Same as last nitpick. Comma before too

No there’s not a direct route


Comma after No

How about this then


Comma after this

So you see the little bitty issue there. Just some places could have been looked over better to get all the commas you needed to make this piece flow all the way. Normally, I send people a link and ask them to read a tutorial or something, but you know how to do commas. Just reading stuff over out-loud sometimes really helps pull out those hard-to-find spots where you need commas and the like.

and was now bored out of her skull.


I found 'bored out of her skull' really weird.... I always thought it was 'bored out of her mind', or something similar?

They didn’t find their deal from a shady guy in a trench coat, however.


So this part was cool and everything except for that I didn't like how vague it was.... So they didn't find their deal from him? Okay. no problem. But why? That question kept bugging me as I read through. Why didn't they find it with him? How come? And when you described the character, it made me think of a criminal, the kind that would raid a Dari-Mart, ya know? The typical trench-coated guy you see on the streets. Kind of creepy, but most of the time just looking stupid, but harmless. That kind of person. So it made me wonder why Jay would go ask a person like that, especially if he knows the stereotypical kind of person associated with that description, and why it didn't work out when he did. These may seem like superfluous questions to you, and really, they are. But those kind of questions are often times the kind that bug you throughout a wonderful read, and continue to pester you no matter how many times you think about them. Perhaps a sentence more on that 'shady guy' just so us buggy people can see more?

The man whipped out a smartphone and fiddled with it for a second, checking ticket prices.


I once looked up how much it would be to take a plane from where I live (west coast) to some place in Europe... and it cost 2000 to get me there. I'm not saying that you aren't accurate with the price you listed with the train. I'm saying that if I were in this guy's shoes, and someone offered me this amount of money, and all I had to do was pay for a couple of train tickets and give them a couple grand to keep them happy... I wouldn't even bother checking prices. I would know enough about trains to just stand up and shake the guy's hand quite vigorously. xD

I am also quite curious as to William's predicament, but I am sure that will come in time, as well. Don't forget to fill us in on why he was so flustered on the phone, though! I know you won't, but again it's just me being a bugger. ^.^ I love doing that. He is an interesting character, I think, but there isn't much to go off of right now, so we'll see. He seems like he has potential to be a neat addition to the characters in the book. I am just curious if he is a flash character in the story, or if he's going to be sticking around. Something tells me he'll be in and then out, since Jay and company is gonna be going to Hollywood (not that will be fun to read!), and not to Chicago again, but we'll see... You'll surprise me yet. You always do.

So, yeah. Another awesome chapter. Loved the characters - all of them. Each of them were acting just like I always imagine they do, and I really, really thought Jay's accent was funny. Something I might suggest, though? I normally hate putting accents in dialogue, because it's so confusing sometimes, but I think you could have used it here? Made his accent in the dialogue, similar to what you did with the trolls? It might be more of a nice showing to his accent and stuff, and give us more of a sound to his accent than simply a 'Jay talked with an accent he hoped was foreign'. Anwho, I ramble.

Amazing chapter. Loving the character development, which never seems to stop. And loving Cabot's red cape, as always. :mrgreen:
~Darth Timmyjake

Oh wow this reminds me of how much I hate commas xD

Lol I have a bad habit of punctuating how I speak. I don't put a comma there when I speak, I just say "well yadda yadda yadda" without taking a break. Either that, or it's "Well..... yadda."
it's one or the other XD

Thanks for your review timmy btw, it's very helpful ^-^



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