The first stop was in New Mexico. People left the train, and people boarded. The snow was gone, and all the scenery had melted into sand and scraggy bushes. Jay watched as the train pulled away from the platform and eventually left the dusty city behind. They rode in between mountains, and alongside highways. The sky was bright blue and everything seemed to shimmer in the sun. Then the countryside became more populous with cities and people, but the snow didn’t come back.
They pulled into the Los Angeles train station at a quarter to two.
“What now?” Fleta asked, her legs shaking a little as they got off the train.
“We just have to take the Redline to Hollywood,” said William, staring at a map that showed the inside of the train station.
Cabot was studying it too, but seemed not to comprehend it. “Are all your train departure buildings called Union Station?” He asked.
Jay laughed. “No, but it’s funny that both Chicago’s and Los Angeles’s happen to be.”
“I don’t see how it’s funny so much as confusing,” William noted.
“What’s a Redline?” Fleta asked.
“It’s pretty similar to the train we were just on, but smaller. And it only goes short distances,” explained Jay.
“Oh. Don’t you people walk anywhere?”
“Not as much as we should,” William said over his shoulder.
“I wish I didn’t have to walk anywhere,” Fleta mumbled. “It would save me the need of having nice shoes.”
“On the contrary,” William said, “people feel like they should buy nicer, more expensive shoes because they feel like they won’t ruin them by walking.”
“I wouldn’t do that. I’d just go barefoot,” Fleta proclaimed.
“You’d get an awful lot of unmentionable gunk on your feet,” said Jay.
“Hm,” she said, and didn’t say anything further.
“So the Redline is just on the other side of Union Station.” William said, pointing at the map.
“Let’s go then!” said Jay.
They traveled through the hordes of people all trying to find their way to their train or their families or whatever they were looking to find. It seemed as if all types of people were there, from the affluent to the very poor, and everywhere in between. The train station was bright, once they got into the main atrium, lit by the wide windows that let in the sunlight. The ceiling was made of beautiful wooden planks, all lying across each other, and the floor was intricately tiled in many colors. They passed kiosks selling tourist stuff. Fleta stared at the sunglasses and T-shirts and key chains like they were mythological monsters come to life. Exactly like that, thought Jay. That’s probably how I looked when I saw the Dragolinx.
“What are all those things for,” Fleta whispered to Jay.
“Well those black things are sunglasses. You’ve seen some people wearing them already. They keep the sun out of your eyes. Those little colorful things hanging from hooks are key chains… I think they’re just for decoration.”
“Man, you guys get all the cool stuff. What I wouldn’t give to have something to keep the sun out of my eyes, while not having to wear a hat.”
“What are you two whispering about up here?” Cabot’s voice came swelling from behind them.
“Just the tourist knick-knacks,” Jay said, peering back at him in a cloaked annoyance.
“Right, and what about them?”
Jay just stared at Cabot.
“Don’t you give me those looks. I’m your captor, and you’d well better show it. If you keep giving me attitude, Fleta here is going to take the pain. I’ve been too lenient.”
Jay laughed. “You think you can control me here. This is my domain. You don’t know one whit about how things work around here, and you’d best stay close to me or you’ll be the one taking pain.”
“Don’t you threaten me boy!” Cabot grabbed Fleta by the shoulders. A couple people in the crowd took notice. William, who was a several yards ahead of them glanced back, then turned around.
“What are you doing, folks? What’s the hold up?” he called.
“If you make a scene like that, people are gonna notice, Cabot,” Jay said under his breath. “People who are more than willing to call the authorities. Release Fleta, and this’ll all cool down.”
Cabot glanced around, then roughly let Fleta go. “Fine,” he spat, “but don’t forget who has the real power here. When we get back to Trevon, and we will go back, you’re all mine. You’d better shape up your act.”
Jay felt a little panic flutter in his stomach. But before he could respond, William was dragging them toward the door.
“We’ve got to get on board the Redline. It’s leaving in a few!”
The group hustled through the door, their spat forgotten for the moment. They boarded the tram that was waiting, and started the final leg of their journey towards the city of stars.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there!
Oh noes, the chapters keep piling up! I'll have to catch up quick. I can't stand not reaching the end when everyone else does! Let's get to it.
You can come up with something better than this
This makes it sound like he was standing on the platform watching the train pull away. Maybe instead you could say that the platform disappeared behind them. Just something that puts the focus on the scenery disappearing instead of the train.
There's really nothing wrong with this sentence, I just think it could be expanded upon. Just a few moments before, Jay was standing up to Cabot, laughing in his face at the mention of hurting Fleta and being in charge. But now all of the sudden, he's worried again. That's a mighty quick change to just say happened. Why not give us a bit more. Why is it that he all of the sudden feels like this again. Does Cabot's threat hit some part of him that really gets him thinking? Maybe the mention of Trevon makes Jay think of how much he doesn't belong in that world, or maybe remember Shep and the trolls. Maybe he's now fearing for them as much as he's fearing for Fleta and himself. The panic just seems to come out of nowhere.
So all of these chapters lately have been leading up to them reaching Hollywood. Along the way, we've learned a bit more about each of the characters. This chapter is no exception. In the last chapter, we learned about how much of a
lamestupidlazylackluster villain Cabot is. Yet in this chapter, we see the more intense side of him. It's almost as if he had overheard the conversation Fleta and Jay were having and decided that he had to be more evil. He seems like an actual villain in this chapter. His temper returns and he seems to realize that the only way he can get Jay to cooperate is by threatening Fleta. So now he's more interested in becoming the evil man he is. Just an observation.Your novel really seems to be driven by dialogue. That's awesome, really. Some novels are driven by the world they take place in, some are driven by the villain, some are driven by descriptions. Yours is driven by dialogue. Your characters talk a lot and that's how we learn things. Normally I'd go on and on about how too much dialogue can be too much, but I think it works well with your novel. There is enough description and action to balance out the dialogue. Besides, I don't think there's much dialogue in this entire novel that you could remove and still have the novel work. It just doesn't seem like it could happen to me. I really like that. And the dialogue is real and it sounds like the characters are actually speaking that way. Very realistic.
Overall, I think you could expand upon your descriptions. A great poet like you no doubt has a never ending supply of descriptions
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Fortis!
Anyways, on to the review.
*gets excited* Oh my, I am going to be properly caught up for once! I know this is the day you're supposed to post again and everything, but I am still overly happy.
I have mixed feelings about this chapter, and within good reason? I know we are skimming over a lot of travel points here, but I expected that to happen because all they would be doing for a long while is sitting on a train. But as that skipping happened, I felt like we lost a bit of magic along the lines? Your writing is still tip top here, but seeing as I know to expect the best writing from you, when you fall a little bit short I do notice. I am going to explain how and why later on, though. For now, I liked how you had Cabot step up his game again (it was about time we were reminded he was a threat) and it brought back the fact that Shep and the trolls are still frozen in time back in Trevon. Oh, I hope they do get back soon.
Okay, one way I think you fell a bit short is the first paragraph. I know you and your writing, and I know you are absolutely brilliant when it comes to describing setting and all that. Because I know this, I felt pretty disappointed when I got the explanation of the things they were seeing. New Mexico passed without so much as a fleeting comment of from any of the people who haven't ever seen so much sand in their lives probably. I thought they could make a comment or the description could be... more like your other ones, that make me really see the beauty in such a setting. You also mention a whole lot of people coming on and off. Talking about people who are just there to add to the setting or because they have to be there is kind of hard. But you can make it exciting. What is it about the new people coming on that peg them down as New Mexico-ish, if there is something. Or are a lot of them sharing something in common? Maybe mention the people came on board, the gleam of the mass amount of sunglasses catching in Jay's eyes, or something. Already that makes the people less like a prop and adds a bit more meaning to them and their appearance. They might not be important but that doesn't mean they should go ignored, and their description will also add to the setting.
I would switch the word 'not to' with 'unable'. It makes the sentence run smoother that way.
The way this is written makes it sound like it should be posed as a question... If it's not supposed to be, then put a comma after the first word. If it is supposed to be, then maybe a question mark belongs at the end?
Again, at the end you mention a horde of people. I have mentioned how referring to people as simply people is boring. And we don't want any boring things in your story, so make sure you spice it up. If you can't find any way of describing them, then make one person stand out instead. Have someone who Jay thinks looks like his mother for a second disappear into the crowd or something. Once again, it brings more significance to the people.
I love how you keep up with the theme of them not knowing what everything is. Most authors forget somewhere along the lines, but you don't. You do a great job of being able to keep it up. Just make sure this has a question mark at the end of it because it is a question.
I can't really take Cabot's threats too seriously anymore, and that may just be because he is on earth and way out of his depth without Jay. He does mention when they get back to Trevon he will be in charge, but if I was Jay I would be thinking about finding a way back to Trevon that didn't include Cabot. There is no way he could be any harm out here in our world without anyone guiding him everywhere. In fact, why is Jay not thinking about this? I feel like if he put his mind to it, while Cabot is at a disadvantage, they could easily figure a way of escape. Even though he does hostages.
I don't really have much more to say.
Looking back at this I think I simply ranted about how crowds are important in setting. I hope the next chapter is something that blows me away again, and keep it up with this story. It's really coming along, and now that they are almost in Hollywood, I can't wait to see what will happen next ^.^Deanie x
Timmy here
I am heeeeere, and finally caught up. I am sorry I didn't get to your chapters straight away. I didn't see them. Anywho, here I am now - so let's get cracking. Or at least typing....
Okay, I don't know if you have been to New Mexico or if you are relying on Google Maps or pictures or not... but I have spent a few weeks in New Mexico. Some parts of it are scraggly and kinda ugly with the bushes (although there are trees and such, just teensy ones in most parts, although I did go to a big forest one time). But I didn't see any sand to say, really. ^.^ And what city are they in? Albuquerque? Some city similar? Seems to be the most ideal place for the train to take a break, and in that case, you may want to describe the city more, too. Which, no offense to it's inhabitants, are usually quite ugly. I went to one town in New Mexico (I was staying up at a Monastery on the hill), and everything was quite drab - all matching the surrounding countryside. I think that would help build your image up. And while everything was a tad dusty because there wasn't much rain... although, wait a moment. What time of year is this? If it's Wintertime, then there might be snow on the ground. I went down there in December and we got a foot of snow, and every morning you had to chisel ice off the sidewalks and stuff so we didn't trip and fall. Like I said, I don't know if that's the time of year or not (although it seems so because of the snow), but there it is for you to look at it. To fix the descriptions, however blunt they are: less sand, more dirt (although the country is quite brown and where I went they had little trees more like starved pines or something) and maybe see about the temperature and weather conditions that time of year.
comma after well
Just a teensy technical: there, not here
I think this is my biggest nitpick of all in this piece - however big it is. Not much to critique on this piece. Why is he not running off with Fleta again? Now, I know why he isn't - Shep and the trolls stuck in the other world, but let's think about all those chapters that separate us from Shep, and then think about how many times Jay has thought about the reason why he stays.... Not many times. And I think that Cabot knows the way back, too, so there again, Jay needs to stay with him in order to get Fleta home (and himself, since he seems to have adopted that world as his home). So I think you need to remind us more often, via Jay's thoughts and concerns and dialogue, of the reason why he stays with Cabot. Because I was thinking, "Oh, he should just run off with Fleta" ... but then I knew there had to be a reason for him to stay, and quite honestly it did take me a while to remember the biggest reason why: that Shep and the trolls were stuck (literally) in the other world. So I think you should fix up that little nitpick with a bit more thought and dialogue so that we can remember and keep that reminder on the forefront of our minds. Okay?
I think this part needs a bit more elaboration... like describing the people's expressions and their shocked exhaling... and all that kewl stuff. So I think with that part, you should give us more of a visual "noticing" from the crowd than simply stating. More showing, less telling... if you get my meaning. ^.^
O_O *trembles in my custom, baby seal leather boots* (Megamind reference. hee-hee)
I think it would have been better here if you re-told what city it was, and then said city of stars. Like, perhaps: journey towards Los Angeles, the city of stars -- or something similar.
Whit seemed out of character for Jay. Not that it isn't a word or anything, but he didn't seem like a person who would use language like that. To be honest, I don't even know what it means... and Jay always seemed like more of a simple guy (smart, yes, but doesn't say profound or use big or unusual words in dialogue). So maybe pick some other word? I dunno. See what your other reviewers think, if they catch it.
I think that's all I have to say. This story is really building tension, and getting better and better as I go along. Again, your dialogue is very realistic and fits the character each time, molding to their personalities like it should. Your description seemed a bit vague and more telling than showing in this chapter... but you were trying to move the scene along, I think, so that is understandable. And, just because I am sure you're wondering, I don't think the pacing was too fast. You do have pretty fast pacing in your book, which isn't a bad thing - it's your style. Suzanne Collins has a fast paced book and see where that got her.
Now I am all caught up. Yayyyy. I hate being behind. I feel left out, especially when it's a novel this good.
~Darth Timmyjake