Chapter 33
~1,404 words
They confronted the adjacent rooms: 206 and 208.
“Who’s sleeping where?” William asked.
“As a lady,” Fleta said, “I think it’s only proper that I get a room to myself.” She huffed and rolled her shoulders, sticking her nose slightly higher in the air. She looked out of the side of her eyes at Jay and smiled.
“It seems like that would be the proper thing to do,” William frowned.
“I am not sharing a bed with either of you two,” Jay interjected.
“You can sleep on the floor then,” Cabot suggested dryly.
“C’mon,” said Jay, “there’s another bed in Fleta’s room, and it’s not like we haven’t slept in the same room before.”
“I don’t want you two out of my sight,” Cabot growled. Then he glanced at William—who was raising an eyebrow, perhaps thinking that he didn’t want to share a room with Cabot either—and added, “what if either of you gets hurt?”
“Right, well there’s a connecting door between the rooms. We can just prop that open,” William suggested.
There was silence while William waited for anyone to disagree. Jay nodded, and Cabot squinted and bobbed his head as well. Fleta just sighed and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
“Sounds good,” she said. “Can we go in now? I’m baking.”
The motel was painted in a bright salmon that went with the tendrils of sunset just starting to creep over the horizon. The walls were rough and bumpy, and the doors were wooden. Each room had wide windows with white curtains and frames. There were two full-sized mattresses in each room that squealed when someone collapsed into them.
“I’ll never be grateful enough for your indoor heating and cooling systems,” Fleta murmured as she spread her arms out on the bed.
“It wasn’t even that hot outside,” Jay said, taking off his shoes and massaging his feet.
“I’m a cool-weather girl I guess,” Fleta said.
There was a rustling at the door set into the wall. William pushed open the connecting door and stepped into the room. “How’s your room?” he asked.
“Pretty good,” Jay said. “It doesn’t look like there are mice or bedbugs. And we have clean towels and sheets. Everything seems to be in order. Although the wall color is hideous.” He gestured to the teal-hued walls.
“It’s better than ours,” William laughed.
Jay poked his head in and made a face when he saw the mustard-colored walls. Cabot was sitting on his bed looking queasy. Or maybe that was just the color reflecting on his face.
“Well I’m glad I’m in here,” said Jay. “So what’s the plan for tonight? I’m super disappointed that we couldn’t visit the studio today, but maybe that’s a good thing. Fleta and I were talking about seeing a movie. She’s never seen one before.”
“Oh really? Well then. We should see one! It’s been quite a while since I’ve had the time to go to the movies. What shall we see?” William pulled out his smartphone and fiddled with it.
“I don’t know what’s out currently… Boy, this is exciting! We get to see a movie in Hollywood! The movie capital of the world!” Jay bounced a little where he stood.
“You guys sure are obsessed with these movie things,” Fleta said.
“You’ll see how fun they are. You’ll understand all the hype. We’ll need to see a good movie though.”
“There’s the space one,” William suggested.
Jay thought for a moment. “I don’t think that would be a good one,” he finally said. “They haven’t learned about space. I think we should stay away from anything sci-fi. Any good fantasy movies?”
“Yeah, there’s the third one in the series about elves or something? Ooh there’s the one about dragons too! Fearsome.”
“That sounds better. Want to see a movie about dragons?” Jay asked Fleta.
Fleta shrugged and opened her mouth as if to speak, but Cabot cut her off. “What’s all this about seeing movies?”
“What’s wrong Cabot? We just want to have some fun,” Fleta pouted.
“We didn’t come here to have fun.”
“Loosen up a bit, Cabot,” William said. “What’s the harm.”
Cabot was silent.
“When is the next showing for Fearsome?” Jay asked.
“In an hour, at the nearest theatre. We could probably walk there in that time. Are we up for it?” William asked.
“I am, but it might be too hot for Fleta,” Jay said.
“Oh I’ll be fine. You’re right it’s not that hot outside.” Fleta stood up and yanked open the door to the outside. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go!”
Jay followed right on her heels, and William soon after. Cabot did not come.
“He said he wanted to sleep,” William shrugged.
The streets in Hollywood weren’t all glitz and glamor. In fact, the whole city looked pretty grimy and sad. The sun was going down behind the buildings, and behind them, the mountains. There were few trees, and the ones that Jay noticed the most were palm trees. They passed several dumpsters and fences covered in graffiti, and it seemed that Hollywood’s favorite food was Mexican food. The sidewalks were cracked and uneven, and Jay often tripped over the slabs of jutting concrete.
It felt oddly liberating to be away from Cabot. Jay hadn’t felt like Cabot was enforcing his “rule” very tightly, but it still felt wonderful to be away from him. It occurred to Jay that he could tell William that Cabot had kidnapped them, and they could escape. Then they’d never have to worry about finding this golden dagger, or what it would be used for.
But he wanted to make sure that Fleta got back home, and that Shep’s quest to restore the Gozgarden royalty would succeed. And the only way to do that for sure was to stay with Cabot. Jay wasn’t sure that the train he had run away on would go back to Trevon at all. No, despite Cabot’s threats, it was safer to stay with him. Plus then they would know what Cabot was planning. What was that old phrase about keeping enemies close?
They soon reached the movie theater. The sign that proclaimed “MOVIES!” in flashing lights seemed to be missing a few bulbs, and the carpet at the entrance was frayed; however the red seats in the theatre were comfortable, and the popcorn buttery.
The movie was about a dragon who hatched from an egg that had been frozen in ice for several hundred years. It breathed ice, and was the last of its kind. The humans were afraid of it, but a young boy realized that it was just confused and sad. Then the dragon found some dragons that circled the Earth unbeknownst to the humans. The dragon took off to fly with them, and it was all very touching.
There had been a scary part where the humans mounted an attack against the dragon. Fleta sank back in her seat, cringing at the dragon’s pain as it was pelted with rocks. Jay smiled inwardly and did the classic arm-protectively-over-her-shoulder move. Fleta glanced up at him and smiled a wavery smile.
“So how did you like it?” Jay asked on the walk back from the movies.
“It was good, I guess,” Fleta said, staring at her feet.
Jay was astonished. “You didn’t love it?”
“Well they got dragons wrong. A dragon would eat you so much as look at you. And they don’t look like that. But it’s still a crime to attack one, if only for your own safety. I kept waiting for that dragon to go berserk and torch the town. And that’s another thing. A dragon can’t breathe ice!” Fleta sounded frustrated.
“Well the important thing about movies is that they’re fictional,” said Jay.
“We all have our own perceptions on what dragons should be,” William laughed.
“No, but they don’t look like that,” Fleta maintained.
Jay leaned in and whispered in Fleta’s ear, “William doesn’t know that dragons exist in your world. They could look like anything as far as he’s concerned.”
“Oh right. Right. Well, I guess I like the movie part. Just not the dragon part.”
“Can you see why people love movies so much?” asked Jay.
“Yeah. I thought the big screen was so cool. It was like we were actually there.”
“If only we had gotten to see it in 3D,” William laughed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi there!
The whole scene in the beginning where they're trying to figure out who sleeps where is just too funny. I was laughing the whole time. Of course Fleta would want a room to herself. I'd so totally use the same argument xD I think that's a good way to really show how much chemistry (for lack of better word) that the group has together. In the beginning, it was just the four of them wandering around, starting on their journey to Hollywood. Now they seem like they're all friends. Or at least they're a group of people that gets along with one another. Even William seems to have fit into the group and he's the outsider. It's pretty cool to have seen that develop over the past few chapters.
Just like the group getting closer together, Fleta and Cabot seem to be adapting to this new world very well. There are still times that they see and try new things, but they're more accepting of it. Fleta especially. After all, she goes off to watch that movie. Now I forget, is the other world (I always forget it's name -_-) usually cold? Fleta complains about the heat in this chapter so it makes me think that she's not used to it. Maybe you could add something in there where she tells an inquisitorial William that it's cold where she comes from. Just to remind us. Because we've been away from that world for a while.
Just a quick nitpick here:
This sentence is a bit confusing. It sounds like he's saying that the sun and the mountains went behind the buildings. Don't ask me why I think it says that >< Maybe reword it? You could say instead, "The sun was going down behind the buildings and the mountains after that". That seems more clear.
Ah, so Jay finally shows that he's into Fleta ^_^ That whole putting his arm around her thing was so cute. That's like, the cliche thing for guys to do on a movie date, but since Fleta and Jay's relationship -- if there is one -- isn't a typical one, it works. I really wish that Fleta would've done something more than smile at him or maybe tell us about what happened after that. I don't know, it just seems like it's glazed over. There's definitely a bigger story there with their relationship and it would be nice to see.
I wonder what Cabot has been doing this whole time while they were at the movie? Wouldn't it be funny if he decided to run away and go to the studio himself? hehe. That would make me laugh. I don't think that's what happened though. He's not smart enough for that
I'm really looking forward to reading more. You've kept me interested all up until this point. I know that the story will just keep getting better from here
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Fortis!
I am currently wondering what I am supposed to tell you about this chapter, because apart from a few nitpicks that have previously been mentioned, this was a good chapter. I liked that they went to the movies and Fleta was able to see what it was like, even if she didn't like our idea of dragons. We also got an understanding of why Jay is sticking with Cabot, which I think was a bit overdue but good to know at long last ^^ Ooh, and we got to see Cabot trying to lie down some rules and sort of failing. I feel like his bad guy façade is slowly slipping away as he realizes that in this world he is out of his element.
I won't repeat what has already been mentioned, but I will say that I do agree and think the pace is slowing down a little too much. It would be good to see things pick back up again.
Wait, since when does Jay use words like 'super?' I mean, it isn't too weird to see words like that in there and people do use them, but I just didn't peg Jay to be one of those people who use the word super. Especially as he hasn't appeared as bubbly as that before...
It may be a small thing, but this is supposed to be a question so it needs that question mark.
At some point when Jay. Fleta and William are walking along, Jay mention's that Cabot is not very good at sticking to his rule. I am not really sure which rule you meant, because he has mentioned a few in the past. So it might be an idea to be more specific at that point.
Also, I found it kind of weird that Cabot didn't want to let the two of them out of his sight, and ended up relying on the door being open, but then it was William who came through and checked they were there. On top of that, Cabot says I don't want them out of my sight, but then he stays home from the cinema? In a case like that, going to the movies is a lot of time for having them out of his sight. So shouldn't he be tagging along as well?
I am someone who loves when there are hidden meanings in movies, foreshadowing and all that lot. It's so much fun to dig it out and look for it. So here's my suggestion to make this novel appeal to hidden meaning lovers like me - make the movie more valuable. Indirectly have it remind Jay of his family, reflect on his life in Shep's world, have a mention of kidnapping or sheep or adventure. It doesn't have to be close to their situation and Jay doesn't even have to catch on to it and only having it there for the reader is perfectly acceptable. Or you can have Jay be reminded of something because of it and have it in the story. Up to you ^^
I don't think there is much else to say! Apologises for lateness and short length, but I shall be reading the next chapter soon!
Deanie x
Jay followed right on her heels, and William soon after. Cabot did not come.
Timmy here!
So you say that this is a bit longer than usual, eh? That's not necessarily a bad thing, and I always love reading longer pieces because I get the chance to grow more into the character - so I am "yayyyy". You can make the sad face if you want. hee-hee
I think I will just go through and comment as I read through the second time, okay?
Let's gooooo
This action she does... *rolls shoulders, too* ...I am not certain what it means at all. I just did it to see what it looks like, and it seems to me to be more like stretching than showing her attitude. Did you mean a shrug of the shoulders or something? Rolling just doesn't look or seem like the right word there.
wait. wut. Did you just say that William just walked through to their room? O.O Now I know they don't have a problem with that and everything, but it's not normal for two rooms to be occupied side by side by the same party, right? I would think the doors would be closed, and Jay would have to unlock it or something. It actually seems weird to have a door in-between rooms at all, but I won't question that. You have always done your research. ^.^ Oh, and there is slight redundancy with the repeat of room - two in two sentences.
Your dialogue seems a bit... empty in this chapter. Not the character's words in themselves, but I think just the part around them. It's almost, to me, like someone wrote this scene and then extracted thought and action in the dialogue section. It looks so empty! There is only he said and she said - not much else. I think you could show us sooo much more in those parts, especially to really show the scene as they move and talk. Always remember that our characters talk as we do - constantly moving. We don't just stand perfectly still and talk only with our mouths. We have actions, little hand signals, walking, description about town - so much you could use to advantage here. Not much I think needs tweaking, but mainly the ending dialogue seemed too empty for my taste.
Comma after floor
Comma after girl
Comma after bed
Comma after well
Comma after movie
Comma after Oh
Comma after right, too
Comma after Plus
Comma after well
TSK TSK You have a few comma errors there you may want to get around when you do editing. I point out your comma mistakes every few chapters, just so you can remember to keep an eye on those little buggers. If you ever want me to not do that, just let me know.
I feel as though the entire pacing of the novel is slowing down. This entire movie deal seems like it's distracting from the real purpose of the trip - to get the knife and get outta there back to ole' whatchamacallit world. Now I know that since they couldn't get a tourist thingy for that day, they had nothing to do. But... it just seems as though the pacing of the last chapters, ever since they came to Earth, actually, has really slowed down from the initial pace and doesn't have as much going on inside them. Don't get me wrong; they're still wonderful - and you write them just as well as the previous chapters, with beautiful descriptions and realistic characters and fun dialogue and good thought from the characters and GAH. I just get this feeling every time that almost like the car is stalling a bit, and you're working to get it back into gear. The pacing isn't too bad - only a little bit slow, really. But I think you could go back and read through your earlier chapters and then come and take a look at these and see what's changed. I don't actually think your writing has changed at all. It's the content in the chapters. Back in the other world, they were constantly on adventures and running from danger and such. In Earth, they're taking train rides and watching movies. I suppose it may just take a while of getting used to before we go back to the other world... where Shep is still frozen in. :/
See you the next chapter! Keep writing and posting them. You're doing an amazing job.
~Darth Timmyjake
yesyesyes I agree with the pacing thing.
I think it's because we're coming up to a point in the plot that I'm kind of scared to write, because I'm not sure what's going to happen.
So I'm slowing everything down and I can feel it and I'm kicking myself to make it go faster but it won't ;-;
I'll probably edit a lot of these chapters down into one chapter, or at least make more significant things happen during them.
Up till now, I've pretty much had an exact idea of where I was going, and what was happening, but all I know, after like, two more plot elements is that this, this, and this, are going to happen, but I don't know how they will...
Makes it rather exciting though, doncha think? You're riding a novel with a blind driver! Watchout!
And those commas are so hard. :p
I write like I speak, and I never have commas after Oh and Well and all those other places. I just launch right into it, unless it's a "well" that lingers for a while as I think what to say. XD Thanks for catching them.
And I'm trying to figure out how describe what I mean with the rolled shoulders. hm... maybe I should just take it out.
BLIND DRIVER? I'm gonna buckle up.

Just keep both hands on the steering wheel. You're doing awesome.
I feel like I have to add how much I hate working with commas here too :3