Chapter 36
~1,270 words
“Who’s ready to go see a studio?” a voice roared.
Jay forced his eyes open, rubbing the bleariness out of them. He stretched and sat up. He saw Fleta try to pull the covers over her head as if she was trying to tell the world to go away for just five more minutes!
William came into the room, patting his face dry after shaving. “Y’all ready to meet the day? Get up, Fleta!”
“Boy, you’re chipper this morning,” Jay mumbled.
“Ah, I had a bit of inspiration for that app I’m working on. I really think it could work out.” He winked at Jay and walked back into his room.
Jay glanced back at Fleta who was still trying to pretend that she wasn’t there. “Guess I get to use up all the hot water,” he said casually.
Fleta sat up straight, her hair a mess, her eyes still crusted closed. “It runs out?” she cried.
“Glad to see you’ve joined the land of the living, Fleta.”
She slid to sit at the side of the bed, but looked unwilling to have her feet touch the ground, as if that meant that she really would have to wake up.
“Suit yourself,” Jay said, running the tap to wash his face.
Fleta resigned herself to wakefulness, stretching as she stood up. “Do I really need another shower? I just had one last night…”
“Oh darn, you caught me,” Jay said snapping. “No, you don’t need another one, I just wanted to get you up.” He continued to wash his face.
She stared at him through squinted eyes as if she couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. Then, she shook her head and glided to the bathroom, graceful as a ghost. “Excuse me,” she said, a smile cracking her face as she did a little curtsy and slammed the door in Jay’s face.
Jay chuckled a bit before leaving the sink to go talk to William about the plans for the day, but when he got to the mustard-colored room, only Cabot was there, sitting at the foot of his bed, picking at his fingernails. He looked up. “Good morning Jay,” he said sourly. “Enjoying your time back on your pitiful Earth?”
“Very much. But I didn’t come to jibe with you. Where’s William?” Jay said, looking around.
“He went to get breakfast. He said he’s bringing some back for all of us,” Cabot said resuming his attack on a speck of dirt beneath his left thumbnail.
“Good. I want to know how long it will be from the time we get our hands on that dagger to the time we can get to Trevon.”
Cabot met Jay’s eyes. “Well, assuming we don’t want a certain businessman following us, we’ll have to wait until night.”
Jay sighed. “I thought so. Luckily, Fleta and I have my phone call home mostly worked out. We just have to make sure that we aren’t caught taking the dagger or having the dagger. We only get one shot at this heist, and it has to be perfect, because William is taking us ‘home’ tomorrow. Now or never, Cabot.”
“I get it. I’ll figure something out. As of now, we don’t even know the layout of this building, so I can’t make a plan.”
“We don’t even know if the dagger is being stored somewhere in this building. We just have to hope that it is.”
“It better be,” Cabot threatened, “for your sake and mine.”
“Right. Well, I had one more question. We’ve helped you find the dagger this far. We’re going to continue to help you find this dagger. But, to be clear, after we successfully take it, and we successfully get our way back to Trevon, Fleta and I are free to escape and to live without future harm from you?”
“That is correct, unless I need you again, but I most likely won’t,” He said, picking at his pinky nail.
“And you are willing to let Gilfred and Godfrey free as well? To release them from whatever hold you have them captured in?”
“Correct as well,” Cabot said, his voice trailing off as if to signal a question of “and is there more?”
Yes there is, though Jay. “And Shep too?”
“Of course.” He ripped a cuticle, and it started bleeding bright scarlet blood—the color of his cape.
“I’ll hold you to that promise.”
“You can count on my word,” said Cabot, crossing his heart with his bleeding pinky before raising the finger to his mouth to suck off the blood.
Jay felt a spasm of shivers, and retreated back into his room.
In a few minutes, William appeared with McGriddles from McDonald’s. “These are probably the fattiest, most unhealthy sandwiches I know,” William said, wiping his greasy hand on a napkin, “but they always have a soft spot in my likely-to-become-diseased heart.” He took a sip of his coffee.
Fleta let out a groan of pleasure, her mouth full of the syrup-infused biscuit.
Cabot was attempting to eat his with a fork and knife, but the plastic knife kept bending as he cut into the sausage.
Jay was staring at his McGriddle like it was an alien. He hadn’t had McDonald’s in how many months? New personal record, he thought. Guess I’m about to break it now. As he bit into that first sweet-but-savory bite, he thought again of his mother. If he had been missing McDonald’s for this long, how much longer had it felt missing him? Jay tried to replace this guilt with the guilt of eating such a high-caloric, high-cholesterol food. Seeing as it was a McGriddle, it did the trick. “I can’t believe I’m eating this garbage,” he said quietly.
“What do you mean?” Fleta said, her mouth full of egg and cheese now. “This is so delicious.”
“And so unhealthy,” William said, winking at Jay. “But it’s okay to have once in a while, and it’ll keep your energy up. Anyone want some milk?”
Fleta grabbed at the little bottle he offered in hand and chugged half of it down.
Jay took one too, but returned to his sandwich-induced guilt.
After a while, all that was left were wrappers, bags, and empty milk bottles. William excused himself to wash his hands, and Fleta did the same. Jay stuffed all the trash into one of the garbage bins, then washed his hand as well. Soon, they were ready to head out.
“We’ll be staying here one more night, I guess,” said William, once they were outside. “Our taxi should be here any moment.”
Jay felt the warm California sun light up his cheeks. He smiled up at the brightness. Noticing a fluffy cloud that almost resembled a dragolinx, Jay turned to Fleta, who was sulking in the shade looking miserable. “Hey Fleta! …Hey Fleta? Why so sad?”
“It’s too bright and hot,” she whined. “And I’m tired.”
But before Jay could say anything else, the taxi pulled up, honking at them.
“Let’s go, gang,” Cabot said, claiming shotgun.
Fleta, Cabot, and Jay squished into the back somehow, with Cabot ending up in the middle.
“All my passengers buckle up,” the cab driver growled.
Cabot and Fleta looked at Jay, confused. Jay deliberately and slowly pulled on his seatbelt strap, bringing it to the connector and pushing on the buckle until it snapped. Cabot found his seatbelt, and mimicked Jay, then helped Fleta, who couldn’t see as well, get it all connected. As soon as he heard the final click, the cab driver put the pedal to the metal, likely leaving skid marks in the parking lot.
End of chapter
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140,511 Literary Works • 673,269 Reviews
Hi Fortis!
*inward groan* I'm still reviewing chapters from November >.>
This was a nice chapter. We get to see more of Jay missing home, and I find it kind of funny but mostly awesome that a McGriddle (whatever that is) managed to make him feel guilty. And then of course we get to see how the deal is going between Jay and Cabot which was just enough to remind me that they are on a mission and have some problem which they have to overcome. It was good to drop a reminder in there, even though I still feel like Cabot is going to turn and betray them at the last minute. I suppose we will get to see how it goes. And of course, you have managed to keep in the fact that Fleta and Cabot haven't been in the real world. It's great that you continually remember to drop in small things like this. Details are definitely everything
You know, we never really got to know who said this in the end, and that made me want to know for some reason. I don't like random voices that yell things. But then again, I think there should be a different descriptive word there as well because we're getting a different impression than I think you wanted. Maybe announced or shouted from the next room over. I wouldn't necessarily insert excitement because neither William or Cabot strike me as those kind of people.
I think you mean 'thought' instead of 'though'.
I'm really curious about the app William keeps mentioning. I know it shouldn't really be important, but because it has been brought up swiftly on so many occasions I have it in my mind. What is this app idea he is thinking about? Maybe you could connect it to the story somehow. In my head I feel like William has figured that something is going on and made this game based on people who come from another world to steal an artifact to save their world. xD I don't know why, and maybe he never puts the two together, butt hat is what's going on in my head. I feel like it would be cool if you connected both points.
Another thing is, do we know what Cabot intends to do with this thing once he has it? I don't think so, and even though Cabot isn't likely to share I think Jay should be thinking about what his reasoning might be. He could even ask him even though he knows it is going to be pointless. It's just such a spontaneous trip to make, all the way to Earth, for something which Cabot really wants. It makes me eager to find out more about his plan!
Also, Fleta never really seemed like a sulky person to me beforehand. She always seemed like someone who was tough and independent when she worked alongside Shep, willing to do the best she could. She was brave, leaping through the circles she couldn't touch. So it's strange to see her complaining here about little things. Maybe it's because Shep isn't there anymore? I don't know, but I just feel as if her character is changing into someone who isn't as Fleta as before.
That's all the feedback I can give you! This was a good chapter and I am glad that they're finally arriving at this studio soon. I wonder if they will find what they're looking for or not...
Deanie x
Hi there!
When you say the voiced roared it made me think that the person was saying it angrily. Which I'm sure is not what you were going for at all. Oh, and you never really let us know who said this. I'm assuming it was William because he's the one that comes into their room, but it would be nice to know for sure.
Ha! The bit when Fleta finds out the warm water isn't around forever is too funny. You're really making me laugh in these last few chapters
So now they have finally come up with a plan. Well, sort of. Their plan isn't really a plan at all. It's just as 'let's make sure we're all on the same page' plan. They don't know where to find the dagger or how to get out with the dagger or even how to get back to Trevon without William noticing. Sounds like there's a lot more that's going to happen before their able to complete this silly little mission. That can only mean more action and drama, just the way I like it ^_^
So, just out of curiosity, did Cabot ever make a deal with Jay like this before? I feel like he did because this isn't something that Jay would necessarily just go up to him and say. Maybe when Cabot first wanted Jay to help him he made him this deal? You know me with my memory, it's terrible. If you didn't do something like that already, maybe it would be cool to add when you go back and edit? So like, we'd know that Jay is actually working towards something -- he and his friends's freedom -- and not just going along with Cabot for the ride.
It's definitely interesting to see William back to his old self again after the events that happened the night before. I thought that there would be a lot more tension between everyone because of that. Jay doesn't want to go home and I'm sure the thought of it would've made him dislike William just a bit. *shrugs* That's how I saw it. But your characters obviously have different ideas than me :3
Ah, more guilt. I really like you throwing in the guilt that Jay feels about leaving his mother to worry about him, but there seems to be no transition out of the guilt. You know what I'm saying? He feels guilty and then all of the sudden he doesn't. Is there something about his old life that would remind him that he's better off like this? Obviously he loves his mother, but maybe there's something about her that would make him stop feeling guilty. Otherwise he'd just go around all of the time feeling guilty about leaving home; which he isn't. I guess what I'm looking for is that one reason why Jay ran away in the first place.
I'll catch up to the next chapters tomorrow. I only have three more to go! Yay me! ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy here
So that was what you meant by McGriddles. I have never had one of those things, so I can't attest their horrible deliciousness, but knowing McDonalds.... Yeah, this chapter was epic. I simply loved it, and especially the beginning with Fleta - filled with fun and vivid descriptions. Fleta and Jay really have a go at it all the time, don't they? It seems to be very one-sided, or at least in the beginning. Jay starts by having fun with her, and then she turns the whole thing around by having the last word in the end. Girls are too smart. >.<
And there it is. The promise made by Cabot has been something we've been waiting in expectation for quite a while now. I was wondering if he would let them all go when he got his precious knife, and if he would just hang onto them for some reason of his (I am actually expecting the knife to not be what he wants), and now you have at least told us what he says he'll do. I still think he is going to change his mind right at the end and lie, not releasing them and Jay. Or perhaps there will be one slight hitch he "forgot" to mention. I dunno, but with Cabot... With him, I have learned to expect the worst. Just the kind of person he is. Not particularly violent, but especially devious - and of course, has a cool cape.
I have always read this as third person limited. So how would Jay know that William was patting his face dry from shaving and not just washing his face or something (he might have used an electric razor, too). I think you need to pull this apart a bit more. Perhaps a tad of shaving cream still on his face to give Jay a clue?
You dun need both of them, sillyyyy. Just do Jay snapped and your minions will be happy.
Please tell me there is a way you can word this without forty million commas. >.< Tweak with it and see if you can dispose of most of them, which would help the flow of the sentence.
The only reason for a tagline at the end of a character dialogue (he said) is to inform the reader that this certain character had finished talking, or had began talking - one of the two. And so that is its only purpose. If something else came along that told the reader just the same, and you used both, then it would seem rather redundant, wouldn't it? That is what you did above. ^.^ When you have an action of the character immediately following something they said, you don't need to have the he said. All you need is He picked at his pinky nail.
As the sentence stands, though, you need to de-capitalize He
Passive voice will kill Jay. Keep as much as possible in active voice. So, Jay stared sounds much better to my eyes (however that works, a sound seeming better to the eyes. Yeah).
Technical: missing a word after offered. Throw a "his" in there or something.
I thought shotgun was a place in the front? Perhaps you just got some names mixed up there. I did notice William was completely left out of the seating arrangement. Perhaps you just mistyped Cabot's name instead of William's?
And because you like me doing this - for some reason. Your special comma check.
Comma after Fleta
Comma after morning.
Comma after said
Comma after Shep
One thing I really liked about this chapter, above all the other things I could point out for hours, is the guilt Jay had at the McDonalds meal. I think that is the perfect thing for him to feel guilt about, and just one more thing he had to remind him of the fact he hadn't seen his mother in months. I wonder if he breaks down and does go see her. A part of me wants him to, but another part says nooooo - because it may mean she'll stop him from leaving again. Anywho, I just really liked that part because it was another thing Jay has of connecting himself with his world - and one more thing he hadn't had in months, which brought the guilt out. I really loved how you did that (have I mentioned that I liked it). To tell you the truth, I think this may be your best written chapter yet. It flowed well, and the descriptions were top notch - especially at the part with Fleta getting out of bed. That was funny. The conversations and characters were just as believable as they always are. Gah, I wish you would give me more to nitpick than these tiny things I must succumb to. Meanie. >.< One thing I don't think I have ever nitpicked yet, in 36 chapters (wow, it has been long), are character issues. I don't think I have seen even one thing out of character in the entire book. Now that is pretty amazing.
I really enjoyed this chapter, like every single one of the others.
~Darth Timmyjake
STOP GUESSING AT MY PLOT YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING A CLICHE AND GUESSABLE PLOT HRRRNNNG
Thanks for your review, and I remember several times where you were like "it seems really out of character for Cabot to say/do this." And maybe once or twice with Fleta, but those are the only times (I think) you talked about characters.
Go get a McGriddle when you're feeling particularly optimistic about your health. They actually taste really good imo.
And yes, William was supposed to be sitting in Shotgun. >.<
Thanks again!
Hey, fortis! I found this chapter without having read any of your other chapters. And now I want to read them all. I honestly have no clue what is going on plot-wise, but your characters, conversation, and setting is just fascinating! The way you manage to write out their dialogue was great and realistic, and just from this one chapter the audience gets a glimpse into their attitudes.
Thank you so much for sharing, fortis, and happy Review Day! As always: Write on!
The only mistake I noticed was a really tiny error (and it may not even be a mistake but merely looked odd to me). You wrote, "Hey Fleta! ...Hey Fleta? I think--emphasis on think--that since Jay is addressing Fleta there needs to be a comma after "hey." Double check me on that if you'd like because punctuation rules can be kind of finnicky sometimes. xD (Why can't the English language just be simple sometimes? Haha)
Now I'm going to have to go back and read the first chapter.
---Storm
Feel free to read the other chapters.
I won't mind
Thanks for your review~
This was a good chapter. It had lots of detail which pleased me. I do have a few questions though. What is the correct pronunciation of the names? I can't seem to be able to say them right. I was reading through it and was confused by "Yes there is, through Jay." Is it supposed to be "Thought" Jay? Overall this was vey well written and I would love to see you continue this. Happy writing!
Comment:
NO WAY! O:
A character in my book is named Jay.