~1,065 words
Jay opened his eyes, dizzy. He was back on the chaise longue. The night sky, stars like diamonds spilled on a midnight blue velvet swath twinkled above him. Next to him, Shep, Fleta, Marc, Gilfred, and Godfrey had all fallen on the ground, their eyes closed. Jay noticed the Enchantress watching him coolly.
“That was pretty fast,” she said, nodding. “Good job.”
Fighting past his vertigo, Jay squeaked out, “What was all that about?”
“I was testing your character. When I first met you, on the train to Trevon, you were a spineless, untrusting weakling.” Jay bristled at these insults, but she went on. “I was seeing if you were still that way. And apparently you’re not. This makes me very happy.” She beamed at the still-bewildered Jay.
“Wait, you met me on the train?” His head was beginning to pound.
“The train conductor who threw you into the ocean? That was me in disguise,” she giggled. “Pretty good huh?”
Jay just stared at the Enchantress in bewilderment, and she stared back at him with her bright green eyes. There was a sound like gasping, and Fleta sat up, flailing her arms around. She blinked a couple times in the faint moonlight, then groaned.
“What happened?” she asked, sounding very unamused.
“I was testing you, dearie,” the Enchantress lilted. Jay expected her to go over everything she thought Fleta had lacked in the beginning, but she didn’t. Nor did she do this for any of the others when they eventually woke up.
Marc was the last one awake. After they had all been chatting for a while with the Enchantress—who was much more pleasant, now that she had tested them all—when Jay wondered aloud when Marc would wake up from his simulation. The Enchantress looked puzzled at this.
“He’s been out of his simulation for quite a while, but instead of getting up and groaning like the rest of you, he promptly fell asleep.” At this, she laughed. “He had quite the difficult simulation. He had many flaws to work through. I daresay he ended up quite exhausted from it.”
“Not to mention it’s really late,” grumbled Godfrey.
The Enchantress glanced at the sky as if she had never entertained the possibility that dawn would soon be breaking and the group before her had been awake for almost an entire day. “Right, right,” she breezed. “You all should get some sleep.” She waved her hand in a complex gesture.
Jay found himself in a small room with a tatty four-poster bed dominating most of the space. He kicked off his shoes which felt crusted to his feet and collapsed into the plushy bed, which received him willingly.
---
It was after noon when Jay woke up. He opened the wooden door, wondering where it would lead. The answer was unimpressive. It opened to a dark stone passage way. He could turn left or right. Seeing nothing down either direction, Jay arbitrarily chose left, wondering if it would lead him to the Enchantress and the rest.
He wandered around what he had determined was a castle, listening to his stomach growl. Eventually he found where he needed to go. Not because he opened the right door, no. Because he stumbled upon a gaping hole in the wall that led out into the courtyard they had been in last night. Fleta, and the Enchantress were already out there. Shep, Marc and the trolls were nowhere to be seen.
“I’ve kept myself busy,” the Enchantress was saying. “There’s always weeding to be done, washing, dusting…”
“Can’t you do those things with magic?” Fleta asked. Jay silently joined the ladies. They were sitting at a low tabled arrayed with bowls full of berries and nuts. There was a teapot filled with a sort of warm kind of fruitwash.
The Enchantress made a sort of grunt. “There’s only so much you should do with magic. If you don’t do simple tasks the normal way, you end up with several problems. First, you get fat and lazy. I have to keep my physique, you know? Secondly, if you do everything with magic, you have so much time left in the day. I wouldn’t know what to do with that time, and I‘d probably end up just magic-ing the extra time away. Then I’d just end up magic-ing through my whole life, and I’d end up doing nothing. Third, there are certain laws and limitations of magic that are too persnickety to get into.” She sniffed.
“But you did simple things with magic before!” Fleta insisted. “I saw you flare your skirts out that one time. You thought no one would notice you were using magic, but I did.”
“Ah, those things are to be dramatic—to make an impression. Impressions are very important, dear.” The Enchantress winked and smiled knowingly at Fleta, who blushed.
Hurriedly changing the subject, Fleta asked, “So Jay, what did you have to do in your simulation? The Enchantress told me it was different for everyone.”
The Enchantress puffed up. “I’d been working on those simulations for quite a while. It’s no small task to make it seamless like you all experienced it.”
Jay briefly explained how he had found himself at home, thought his time in Trevon had been a dream, and then been sucked into a video game where he had had to jump for seemingly hours. Then, at the top, he had met none other than Cabot. The Enchantress grinned at that.
“Yeah, I stuffed Cabot into your simulation for kicks and giggles,” she said, laughing still.
“Ooh, how is that old redcape?” asked Fleta ferociously. “Let me guess, he tried to kill you, or kidnap you or hit your forehead in with a brick.”
“Actually, nothing of the sort. At first, we talked a bit. He’s working for Salim now. Then we had to save each other’s lives. Well, he mostly saved mine,” Jay admitted.
Fleta’s eyebrows arched. “Really? He sounds pretty decent then.”
He nodded. “How about you, Fleta?”
“Well,” she began, but stopped, her eyes widening at something to Jay’s left.
A young man stood, his dirty blond hair mussed from sleep, his smile rakish, and his steely eyes age-old.
“Ato!” Fleta yelped, jumping up to embrace the man.
As the two embraced, Jay grinned at the young man. A young Shep—for that’s who he was—grinned back.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there! Me again.
First, were his eyes ever closed? Second, the dizzy part doesn't really seem to fit. If he's dizzy, you might want to find a different way to describe that. As it is, it sounds like his eyes are dizzy, or something like that.
Oh, so Shep was given a trial too? Interesting. I thought she was going to exclude him from it.
So the Enchantress was behind everything all along? Wow, okay, this is.. interesting xD She was the one who threw Jay off, which means she wanted him to be there. Maybe she planned on Shep meeting Jay no matter what and all that junk about rules and such was just a ruse. Maybe she just wanted to test everyone because that's what she does for fun. This lady is messed up I'm telling ya xD
I know that it's something little, and probably unimportant, but I would've liked to know who woke up in what order. Jay woke up first, then Fleta, and Marc was last -- well, we're not sure when he got out of his since he fell asleep. When did Shep make it out? And the trolls? I guess it's a kind of hierarchy I'm looking for. Well, that might not be the right word, but that's the only way I can describe it.
Also, what happened to Cabot? I'm left wondering if he was really there or if he was just an image that the Enchantress put in just because. Either way, wouldn't Jay be wondering what happened as well? If he really accepted Cabot's apology back there, he should at least care if the man is still well.
One thing to consider for when you go back and edit is the backstory of Fleta. It seems that she knows the Enchantress well, but I'm not sure how or why. The comment about magicing her skirt made me realize it. How would Fleta know that? She and the Enchantress also seem to be on good terms, which surprised me because I thought that everyone hated the Enchantress.
The ending bothers me a bit. How exactly did Jay know that it was young Shep? And why did he accept it so easily? He's been going around with this older man this entire time and now he's seeing Shep as a young man and he automatically knows it's Shep. That seems a bit unbelievable to me. At least have him doubt a bit.
The plot twist here is amazing. I didn't see that coming at all. I might have suspected that Shep was a worker at the castle, which would make sense why he was sent after the sheep, but I never expected him to be this. Very clever to do this at the end. Leave us in suspense the entire novel. I'd hate you but this is too good to hate you for xD
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Widdershins!
So I have spent two days working on this review. I have read it both times, found next to nothing to comment on, and have been dreading writing this because I just knew it would be difficult (and it was always late at night. I was exhausted.) Here's my attempt at reviewing this so I can get on to another chapter!
First of all I want to appreciate you for quickly and easily doing something which takes a lot of writers a long time to get right -- and that would be telling us why the Enchantress doesn't simply use magic for everything. You gave some pretty clear reasoning in a concise manner and I have to appreciate that! I also really liked how we were seeing some more of Fleta and we know there is something she hasn't told us when it comes to involving men because of the Enchantress's hint. I am curious about that one. I am pretty sure we are never going to know what was in everyone's simulation but I have to admit, as a reader I always have that curiosity.
What I found a bit strange is that no one in the slightest seemed annoyed that they had been unknowingly chucked into a simulation. The Enchantress didn't ask for anyone's attention and she was supposed to be helping them. But she has had a fit, managed to get over it while everyone was asleep in the simulation and has calmed down since then? I would doubt such a thing would happen so cooly, especially after the time she had there to think about things while everyone was simulating away. I just wish there would be more of an outburst. Maybe not Jay but an unpredictable person exploding instead.
Which brings me onto the question of why Jay was thrown overboard. I am sure he would want to know, and it literally only takes seconds to talk to someone. Yes, this is something you could discuss with them all being there as well, so it doesn't matter who is waking up. I am surprised it hasn't been brought up again since the discovery, at least not with reasoning. Reasoning should come with it.
Tiny nitpick!
I would either suggest after the comma adding 'with the stars... etc' or replacing the comma with a colon instead.
I have nothing more to say, but should be over my reviewers block now! Apologies for it being so short D:
Deanie x
Hola! I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I've not read the previous chapters, but if I do point something out which you think you've already covered, then don't mind me.
This really threw me out of the story, I guess because lilted is just such a strange word. I think you'd be better sticking with normal dialogue tags like said - it's not a place to get creative.Specifics
1.
2. It might be interesting to have Jay get seriously worried about his friend Marc not coming out of the simulation and maybe ask the Enchantress what would happen if he doesn't pass her test. I feel like maybe this is being brushed over a little.
3. Maybe this has happened a lot before, but he seems very nonchalant about getting zapped somewhere. Also, does it feel like anything or is he staring at her one moment and then the room the next? Maybe just a little extra description to help us imagine it.
4. This paragraph's a little choppy. I'd suggest combining two of the short sentences into one - preferably 'It opened to a dark stone passage way' and 'He could turn left or right'. Just put a 'where' in the middle and you're peachy.
5.
6. Maybe try to avoid using embraced so close together.
Overall
This is a very smooth read and from what I can tell, you've got a solid group of characters. I really love the Enchantress and she has some very sound ideas on magic and how it should be used. I can't really comment on your plot much but the pacing is good and there are enough descriptions for me to get my bearings. I think perhaps Jay's emotions are very hidden and that gives us a slightly distant relationship with him, but maybe it's just a quiet chapter and he's not really feeling all that much? Something to consider anyway.
Best of luck with this!
Heather xx
Timmy hereee
So I'm here sooner than usual. Yayyyy for that. xD
I think with the beginning, you need to describe that chase longue, because I honestly have no idea what it is, what it looks like - nothing. They could all be sprawled out on a grand pavilion for all I can see. Keep the longue by all means, as it brings some originality and a foreign feeling to the Enchantress, but I think you should spend a moment (or, if you described it earlier, another short moment, although I don't think you did?) describing it quickly for us. :3
Dat is passive voice der. Change to active voice and you'll experience, um, wondrous things - began
You mean he was the last one to wake? How it looks now makes it seem like he was the last one to fall asleep. xd
I'm not sure if this is something you know, or perhaps a slight error you have yet to fix. Whatever the case, I'll go over it anyway.
When you use the Em-dash as you did, putting that thought in the middle of the sentence, the two halves on each side must flow together. Otherwise, the sentence reads disjointed. As it is right now, it reads as after they had all been chatting for a while with the enchantress when Jay wondered... A bit of tweaking would help the flow of that sentence tons.
This is a telling moment I would have loved, loved, loved to see as a showing one. Because this seems like such a neat part, but I can't see what she's doing? :/ Complex? So is an engine. It's too broad of a word to explain what she's doing. Perhaps show, instead?
Ew, Enchantresses don't grunt. Noooo ><
The part where the Enchantress talked about the simulation/dreams/tests made me wonder if Cabot was really in the test - like, testing Cabot as well as Jay? Or was he in there as nothing more than to help Jay. Like was he only part of the test, or was Cabot actually there. I'm a bit confused, but perhaps I'm just doing it to myself. >,< Happens a lot. xd And the bit where Fleta noticed her using magic when the Enchantress thought no one was watching. The enchantress' reply puzzles me a bit, because she says that "those things are to be dramatic". But... if no one can see those things, what's the point? If the Enchantress is trying to hide those small bits of magic she uses occasionally, but does them for dramatic flairs, there doesn't seem to be much of a point to them.
As for your writing? Um, it's a good as ever. In fact, my grandma read part of this over my shoulder and she was very, very impressed. The line that stuck with her most was:
So it looks as though you have yet another fan.
This has comma issues, but I have no idea where. >> The sentence needs help and rearranging before punctuation can be mended. It's confusing to read as it is.
Hm. Comma takey outey?
Comma after good
Remove comma
Comma check completeeee - you're so much better than you used to be. :') Which makes me happy, but leaves me with so much less to do. xD
~Darth Timmyjake