E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 21

by Rook

Chapter 21

~895 words

After much ado about tents and supplies, rumors and sheep-sitters, Jay, Shep, and the trolls started up the mountain. The trek was long, painful, tedious, and boring. A description of the rocks could go on for pages. Suffice it to say that the rocks were very gray, and that sometimes they were enormous boulders, and sometimes they were tiny pebbles. The sky was cloudy the whole way up, and sometime towards the end, it started to snow small little flakes that formed shapes like ghosts in the wind.

It was snowing as Jay first spotted the great monolithic pillar that was the spire. It was quite a sight, with the snow whistling through the air, hurdling like tiny meteorites all around the spire. The structure itself must have been over a hundred feet tall. It looked like two spikes that had been twisted around each other to form one great edifice that stuck out from its surroundings like a tiger in a field full of bunnies. It had the same menacing feel as well: Jay’s whole body seemed to pull at him to run away from this danger and hide. But he ignored this tug from his body and stalwartly pressed forward.

The closer they got to the spire, the more unnatural it looked. If a building could feel absolutely wrong this one did. When Jay made note of this, Shep just grimaced and said, “That might mean we’re in the right place. Whatever’s in here isn’t going to be friendly. It might be rare. It might be dangerous or valuable.”

“If it’s so rare and valuable,” muttered Godfrey, “Why put it ‘ere in this place? It’s as conspicuous as all get out.”

“Good point,” Shep said.

Jay was silent, watching the spire loom ever nearer.

When they reached the base, Shep reached out to touch the metal. “Cold,” he said, yanking his hand away and stuffing it back into its glove. He knocked on it, and it rang like a bell. Shep listened, knocked again, and said “Shadow steel. I’m sure of it. Although where they got this much of it? I haven’t the slightest.”

Jay fought through his hazy memories to remember where he had heard that term before. “Shadow steel? I know I’ve heard of it… I can’t think of where though.”

“It’s the strongest metal in known existence. Unless we’re talking about magic, which is a whole other side of the penny,” said Shep.

“Oh! I remember now! You said that the dragon—Argos’s dragon—had scales made of shadow steel. I thought it was a fictional metal then.”

“It’s rare enough to almost be fictional.” Shep knocked on the spire again. “That’s why the existence of such a massive structure made out of it is so unbelievable.”

“This thing must be worth a fortune,” marveled Gilfred.

“Think of all the black dragons you’d have to kill to get this,” said Godfrey.

Shep smiled a tight smile. “I’m sure there are easier ways of obtaining shadow steel than killing mythical dragons, but where one would get such a quantity… Even using magic, this would take a great deal of energy.”

“Right,” Jay interrupted. “But is there a way in?”

“We’ll have to see about that.”

They hiked around the great base of the spire. The snow was up to Jay’s calf which made it very hard to walk, and very tiring. “We should have brought snowshoes,” he said.

Eventually, Godfrey spotted indents in the snow that told them they had been around the whole thing. “But there’s no door! How do we get in if there’s no door?” Godfrey leaned against the great mass of metal, seeming to ponder things over in his head. Jay took off his gloves to inspect for frostbite.

“Maybe there’s a special way to get in. Like those circles on the island.” Gilfred leaned against the structure too.

Jay, feeling a little left out, put his hand on the smooth, cold metal. It shattered. Slices of pain shot through Jay’s mind, and his body crashed against the spire, fracturing the metal more. The shards of shadow steel fell like rain, and in their wake was a hole. A perfectly-shaped, door-sized hole. Jay was too much in pain to notice this though. The metal felt like broken glass, but thinner and meaner. Jay’s crimson blood dripped, a harsh difference from the white of the snow.

Shep rushed forward. “Jay are you— oh no. Let’s get you inside this… thing. Can you stand?”

Jay nodded, still staring at his hand. Tears started forming in his eyes, and between these and the immense pain that throbbed red through his head, he could hardly see where he was going. Somehow he managed to get inside the spire.

He was sitting. Shep was saying something. It sounded soothing, but there was a little edge to the voice. Fear. Shep was scared. This started to make Jay afraid, and he started breathing harder. Shep spoke even smoother and put something into Jay’s mouth. He chewed automatically. The leaf was slightly bitter but not unpleasant. He felt a tugging at his down. An image of metal shards pulling free from his hand flashed through his mind, along with an image of two worried red faces with short little tusks watching him. Then he could feel a cool bandage being wrapped around his hand.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 12:41 am

Happy Review Day!!!

The last review was in August? I keep on surprising myself about how far behind I am. >.<

“Why put it ‘ere in this place? It’s as conspicuous as all get out.”

I've read the second sentence several times to try to find some sense of it, but I still can't understand it.
“Cold,” he said, yanking his hand away and stuffing it back into its glove.

"Yanking" just doesn't seem to be the right word here. Usually, someone "yanks" their hand away if something is already gripping it. But if Shep is simply placing his hand on the metal, I think you should find a better word to replace it with. Maybe his hand "flinched" backwards or simply "drew back."
Jay, feeling a little left out, put his hand on the smooth, cold metal. It shattered.

This paragraph is a little bit confusing, particularly this part. This is a very intense part of the chapter, and probably the whole novel too, since it's the first time Jay's really been injured. Because of this, it's important to use all the fun intensity-influencing tactics in writing to make your reader's heart beat faster. One thing you could do is split up the whole paragraph into shorter, direct points. The line "It shattered" would be lovely by itself. And speaking of that sentence, when I first read it, I thought it was referring to Jay's hand and that it shattered... Of course that didn't happen but I feel that that section could be written a little bit better, just to help the reader envision the scene better.

I love how Shep has been characterized as a father figure. Jay really looks up to him and, in return, the reader does too! When Shep is scared, Jay is too. He trusts him enough to immediately chew on the herb he gives him, knowing that Shep's expertise is beyond his own.

The description of the spire was just lovely, and the tiger and bunnies comparison fit in perfectly. In this instance, I was able to see the spire as if I was watching Wool of the Prince- The Movie. You also were able to play into what it sounded and felt like, the latter which is unable to be demonstrated even in a film.

I also love all the different places you've taken us throughout the novel so far, and I have a feeling (looking at the map you created is one hint) that we'll be exploring through many different terrains. In this chapter, our party of travelers were in the mountains, where it was snowing. In other chapters, they've been along a river, in a bustling city, and against the sea. This diversity is very appealing and, of course, fresh to your readers, so keep it up! :D

your first thing is a phrase that I actually use a lot, but I think some people don't know what it means. It's in the dictionary though:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/all%20get-out

I agree with many of your other points. And yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm writing a movie. XD

And don't trust that map. Much has changed since I've made it-- including the locations of some of the places (*cough*ruins*cough*)

Thank you for the review! And don't worry about being behind.

Interesting! And you're welcome :)

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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here!

It appears as though this work is still in the Green Room! Funny. With all of these continuous reviewers, and all of them commenting below, only one of the reviewed it this time. Well, I know why. This was your best chapter yet. The descriptions were simply amazing, and if these continue, they will become your writing's best quality. Before, I always thought dialogue was your strength, but now... now my opinion may change.

Just like the others, I think the first description was just wonderful. Simply telling us that a rock is a rock and then describing them in that bit you did gave us such a vivid image of the surrounding, erm, mountainside. (I was about to say countryside, but that wouldn't really be accurate) And the suffice to say was really awesome. I am just loving it all, really. The spire in the sky not only added quite a bit to this fantasy world (I wonder if you are going to have dragons in this? Some part of me says yes, because they're awesome, while another part of me pleads with tears - no.) and it also brought more of the history in the story into it and simply economy. The spire being made of impossibly expensive metal? Awesome. Brilliant. :)

After much ado about tents and supplies, rumors and sheep-sitters, Jay, Shep, and the trolls started up the mountain. The trek was long, painful, tedious, and boring.


I think that there are too many lists there? What if you took out the second one, their names. I mean, we all know who is going, anyway. You told us in the previous chapter.

If a building could feel absolutely wrong this one did.


I am thinking comma after wrong.

he said, yanking his hand away and stuffing it back into its glove. He knocked on it, and it rang like a bell.


Wait... if it's so cold outside, why doesn't he have his glove on in the first place? Seems rather stupid of him, really.

It shattered. Slices of pain shot through Jay’s mind, and his body crashed against the spire, fracturing the metal more


Okay, so I loved the slices of pain deal. a lot. It was how the spire came apart that had me thinking. In the beginning of the part, you say that it: shattered. Imagine glass shattering. It's all over the floor, all of it, in little bitty pieces. Now you say that his body crashed against the spire, fracturing the metal more.. If it's shattered, that wouldn't be happening. He would be falling into the spire, or on the other side of the shattering stuff.

Jay are you— oh no


Not completely sure about this, but I believe there should be no spaces in-between the Em-dash there. They are my life when writing. Awesome things. And I love how you use them.

and between these and the


these should be those, since you are writing in past tense.

There really isn't more for me to say. Jay was both an idiot and a genius quite by accident when he happened upon the door. Or was it a door? Did he smash his way through or did he just happen upon a door? I mean, the architects could have been a little it more careful so that the door actually swung in, rather than shattered in. I mean, come on! You are dealing with impossibly rare metal, and you build the door like that? Stupid incompetence. Someone should talk to their employer about that. But it was a lovely part, and I loved the entire scene. Definitely my favorite.

Onto next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sat Aug 23, 2014 3:32 pm

Hi Fortis!

Good to see another chapter up and posted! I have to say, this one is much better than the last one was :) Which I think is a good thing. The description you have of the are at the beginning of the chapter was absolutely beautiful! I think it may be my favourite description that you have given throughout this novel yet ^.^ And I thought it was awesome (if I can say that) that you injured Jay. It was intriguing to see his mind wander a bit until all we could see was just him going through the motions. It seems like he is in complete shock about what happened. I wonder why the shadow steel gave when he lent on it. Is there something special about Jay? Or was it just the fact that they were all leaning on it at once, or maybe in the right place? I guess we are going to see...

Although where they got this much of it?


I think this question is missing the word 'did'.

Slices of pain shot through Jay’s mind, and his body crashed against the spire, fracturing the metal more


I know that people say (and they're right, I think) that pain is a mental thing. But one thing is for sure, it doesn't feel like it's a mental thing. So when you say the pain sliced through Jay's mind, it seemed more like a headache of some sort to me. What I'm saying is, it doesn't feel like the pain is going through his whole body, so maybe change the word mind into body there? And then simply say 'he crashed against the spire' so you don't repeat the word body twice in a single sentence. This is just a suggestion, but it would help for effect, I think.

He felt a tugging at his down.


His down? I don't really know what you mean/are referring to with this.

As for the rest of it, I don't think there is much to comment on story wise. You did a great job here, making this one of my favourite chapters yet. And the story is just progressing. Let me know when you have another chapter so I can keep reading ^.^

Deanie x

What happened to Fleta?

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kayfortnight
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Again, love the description. You always do it well.

An entire tower of shadow steel? Magic!!!

Yikes. I really don't have much to say about this chapter, but I'm on the edge of my seat to find out what happened.

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skorlir
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After much ado about tents and supplies, rumors and sheep-sitters, Jay, Shep, and the trolls started up the mountain. The trek was long, painful, tedious, and boring. A description of the rocks could go on for pages. Suffice it to say that the rocks were very gray, and that sometimes they were enormous boulders, and sometimes they were tiny pebbles. The sky was cloudy the whole way up, and sometime towards the end, it started to snow small little flakes that formed shapes like ghosts in the wind.


Who wrote this, where is Fortis, and what have you done with her?

After all that I said about the last chapter, why... this paragraph alone is absolutely amazing.

Aw thanks. ^_^
That last chapter was written in like an hour. It wasn't my best. >.>



If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner