~950 Words
“Uh, I’m sorry?” Jay said, breaking the stunned silence that fell after the man’s intrusion.
“I knew there was something up with you all,” said the man. “No one has ever asked for a tour of Three Pines Studio. And there’s a reason for that,” the man looked away. “No one likes Three Pines movies. They never have.”
“Hey,” said Jay, “You guys made Traverse the Moon, which is like, my favorite movie… well, maybe second favorite…”
The man continued, acting like he hadn’t heard Jay. “And I knew since no one would ever visit our studio, that your group would be up to something. And here you are, stealing one of our props. I can’t believe what the world has come to these days.” He threw his hands in the air.
“Listen,” Jay said, “we’re really sorry that we’re taking your knife. The thing is, we really need your knife for… something.”
“Oh? And what would that be?”
“Erm…” Jay glanced at Fleta and Cabot. They both had pale faces and blank expressions.
“It’s a secret.” Jay said, cringing.
“Ah, right, right.” The man stared at them like he wanted more.
Jay waited for Cabot to be a responsible adult and step forward, but there was only silence. Groaning internally, he took half a step closer to the man, a pleading expression on his face.
“You want to know why Traverse the Moon is my second-favorite movie?” He asked.
The man said nothing, but in his eyes was a slight spark of hope, as if there was something one teenage boy could say that could rekindle the man’s faith in Three Pines studios.
Jay went on, “Because it shows two kids who go out, throw caution to the wind, and make their own story. They don’t do things politely unless it’s to get something they want. If they wanted a gilded dagger, they’d get the gilded dagger. And it would be for a reason that no one could possibly hope to believe in. They wanted to get to the moon. And they succeeded… in a way. But that doesn’t matter. The point is that they succeeded, despite all challenges in their path. If we told you why we needed this dagger, you wouldn’t believe us, so it’s better to just let kids be kids. Let us take the dagger.”
The man sighed, shifted his weight to his other foot, and said, “The difference between this situation and Traverse the Moon is that Traverse the Moon is a fictional movie that is not based on how any of its adventures would happen in real life.”
“Then why did you make it? To give kids false hopes? To build up their dreams so that their aspirations can be crushed easier and more painfully? Because if that’s it, then I don’t see any reason why you ever thought anyone would come to this… dream crushing institution. I don’t see any reason why you had hope in Three Pines in the first place. All I see is a sour old man who grumbles about how things should be when he’s exerting no effort to make them that way.” Jay regretted the words as soon as they left his lips.
He heard a quiet gasp from Fleta, but Jay could not look away from the man’s steely, calculating eyes. Jay’s hands were balled up tight into fists that hung by his sides, and his feet were spread apart like nothing in the world could knock him down.
Finally, something seemed to break, and the man’s eyes welled up with tears.
Jay continued, “Don’t you believe in the messages that your movies promote? Tell me that this studio exists as more than a money making institution. Show us how much you believe in your themes,” Jay pleaded.
The man started to nod, and the first tear began to spill. Before it could begin to work it’s way down his cheek, though, he turned away. Walking towards the room’s entrance, he said, “Fine, keep the dagger. But don’t let me catch sight of it on your way out, or I might change my mind.”
They listened to his footsteps echo off the boxes for a while until the sound was lost in the air. That was a close one, Jay thought, and turned around with a huff of relief. Fleta and Cabot looked stunned, their mouths hanging slightly open, their eyes round.
“That… was impressive,” Fleta said.
Cabot deftly slipped the dagger into one of the pockets in his cape, one that seemed to have been designed for just such a purpose. “Let’s go.”
“We’ve got a taxi ride to the hotel waiting for us, don’t forget,” said Jay. They started heading back to the door to the room. “I’m rather nervous about how Fleta’s going to do in her impersonation of my mother.”
“I’ll do a great job, thank you very much,” Fleta said, crossing her arms.
“About that,” Cabot interjected, “I think I’ve found a way to make it so you won’t have to have that exchange. Play along with whatever I do at the hotel. And play for time, if you can.”
The door came within sight, along with Greg, who was still tapping away at his Gameboy Color. Cabot cleared his throat, and Greg glanced up, looking as though he didn’t know what year it was, much less who these strangers were. But then light of an epiphany showed in his eyes, and he said “Ready to go?”
“Yes, I think it is long past time to leave. I’m ready to go home,” Cabot said, staring into the distance, as if he were already seeing the peaks of Trevon’s snow-crested mountains.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Widdershins!

So... this is going to be a very short review from me, and I am not sure if I am even going to mark it as a review yet. Because well, this chapter was basically fantastic, and nothing else. It was an awesome moment. The scene where the main character gives their powerful speech and it doesn't simply relate to the situation they are talking about but a bit more than that as well. You've made me curious enough to know that if Traverse the Moon was a real movie, I would be watching it right now. And I could just imagine this scene in a movie of its own right now as well. It was awesome ^.^ Especially the part where Jay tailed off and ended up saying 'dream crushing institution.' It brought across perfectly how Jay didn't have this planned out and didn't know all the things to say, but was simply making it up as he went along and spoke from the heart.
I honestly cannot keep telling you how much I loved it.
I did find it a bit strange to see the man tear up at the speech. I suppose he was someone who had really lost faith in the company he worked for and hearing that he had one fan was enough to make him feel better. But for him to tear up? I think we need something more to that, maybe something Jay was saying about the kids being kids hit home with a personal situation. For example, if he had a child or something. I am sure it takes a lot for a grown man to cry. I'm not quite sure how you would incorporate it to make sure the reader got the idea that there was more going on than the speech and that it was affecting him for deeper reasons, but I am sure you would be able to find a way. And it would be so emotional and perfect
In my opinion, the last line here sounded a little bit off. I was surprised by it! I thought it sounded a bit more... forceful in comparison to the rest of the speech, and if I had heard that at the end I would be less likely to give it to him. I think ending with the 'let kids be kids' is enough, and brings across the message of them wanting the dagger well enough.
I honestly don't have anything more to say. Hope this was helpful, and I will keep reading!
Deanie x
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
Until you post the next chapter tonight, but let's not think of that right now. Let me be happy :3
I'm all caught up!!
Ah, so there's the reason. I still think you should've hinted at the reason in the other chapter or at least have made Jay and/or William suspicious.
You could combine these two to make on paragraph. The rule I always follow is if there's two or less sentences between dialogue that the same character is saying, you don't have to start a new paragraph. At first glance, this looks like someone else is saying "It's a secret". Just by first glance. When you read it, you know it's Jay. Just to keep it organized though, you could combine the two paragraphs.
Wow, Jay really worked that old man, huh? One thing I have to say about that whole thing though, is that I'm not a fan of the old man crying. I try to stay away from saying things like that because I'm not the one writing this, you are. And he's your character so you know how he would respond to Jay's argument. Yet at the same time, I feel like it's out of character for him. At least the way you introduced him to us. The way he looked at them in the parking lot and how he demanded that they didn't take the dagger made me imagine this man who wouldn't let someone steal anything and get away with it no matter the cause. Yet there he stood, crying after Jay told him about the movie. Maybe you could tone down the crying part? Just think about it? I really don't know why I'm making a big deal of it. I guess I'm just not a big fan of it.
William disappeared by the way
Overall another great chapter here. I know that you're getting close, or relatively close, to the end of your novel and it's really showing. They've found the dagger, got away with the dagger, and are going to now try and escape from William to get back to Trevon. The only thing left to sort out is the sheep. I wonder how everything is going back in Trevon? We have to get back there soon because I really, really want to know. I want to find more sheep :3
Awww, not I actually have to wait for the next chapter. I'm looking forward to it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy here :3
I can safely say this chapter turned out to be exactly not what I expected. Especially with that guy, old whatshisface, and the conversation with him. OH MY. I never knew Jay had that speech in him, especially the kind of words he said. He was built to be a politician, especially if he can make grown men break down and cry
that guy was such a crybaby. I am still not sure if the guy crying over that sounds realistic. >.< But I will let you know if I do think so. xD Right now, I think the guy is just emotional - whether really grumpy or sad or whateveh. I really liked how Jay handled him, though. *like a boss* Yup, that was Jay.I think the last bit of Jay's convincing argument was the best, and was really what snapped the guy over. Even though all of it was good, and it became more convincing and cutting as he went on. The second paragraph of his speech was ouch-time for the old guy, and the third one was more like entreating the guy to believe in his studio, but only after believing in his themes. To make movies for a cause, and not just for the money. Jay did a good job. ^.^
Me no like. Reads as though they should be two separate sentences, instead of the one combined.
Jay, just... no. Bad boy. That is not the way to compliment the dude. Instead of putting him obviously lower than someone else, you could say: "which is, like, one of my favorite movies" (comma added for nitpicking purposes. heehee)
The dialogue seems to conflict with his expression. What he says seems to demand more of a rolling of the eyes, since he's saying he's pretty much saying "whatever". But the second part is more like "gimme, gimme, gimme" - which doesn't match up together like they should. A small thing, but something you may want to tweak in edits. Oh, and if the guy wants more, why doesn't he just open his mouth and say: "tell me, punk" After the first bit. That would dissolve all the confliction vibes I am getting.
This part seems out of place, and not because it seems odd for Jay to regret what he's said. But because the next part doesn't show any of his regret, but actually more of his determination to beat the guy down. So I think you could take a machete to this line, since it doesn't seem to fit in at all. :/ And if he truly does regret his words, but is still determined to beat the old dude down like he was doing so well, you need to pull apart this idea and tell us more why he regretted it.
have to have is more awkward than, um, well. I dunno. But it's awkward! So I would say tweak that dialogue, and smooth out the edges. :3
You know, the more and more I think about this Greg, I wonder about him. How is it that he is so oblivious to everything? It just seems more than odd. Hear it all going on and not care? Yeah, I can imagine that. I can even see him comment on the noise and offhandedly ask if something went wrong. Just casual, and take anything for an answer. But like his boss passed by him. The old guy... right? And he just continues to play on his Gameboy? SRSLY. The guy walking out had a change of heart, right? We're hoping? Maybe he could yell at his employee and make him stop playing his Gameboy. hehe That would be nice. He just seems really odd, and in some ways, a bit unrealistic. I think what sends that yellow flag (not quite red) up is that he isn't reacting to anything and doesn't actually act like an employee.
I think the ending of the book is going to be Jay watching Three Pine's latest movieThis chapter finished a scene and built a scene - all in one. O.o You must teach me this. How you wrap up the first scene so well, with them getting the knife and the talk with the old guy, and then you sort of set the scene for the next one - telling us what's going to happen. I like how you do that, giving the reader a hint of what's going to happen in the next chapter. Almost like a teaser for the next bit, which is a good idea. Just another way to get us hooked and keep us that way.
I am ready to go home, too. I want to see Shep and the trolls. It has been too long. I wonder what Jay thinks about all this? I haven't seen much from him on Shep lately. Or at least in the past few chapters. Or maybe I forgot. again. >.< Just seems as though Fleta hasn't seen anything, and Jay hasn't been doing anything except being the spokesman for the entire group. I know people forget others for a while who aren't around them at that exact moment, but we need to keep Shep on the back-burner for these chapters... but not completely forget about him. Perhaps one or two references per chapter, just to keep us remembering him? His existence is important. ^.^
I think that's all I have to say, Is. This was a lovely chapter, and I enjoyed it so much. Definitely one of your best chapters, and it maybe be my favorite part with Jay so far in the entire book. His talk there with the old whatshisface was very well done and a joy to read. :3
Every word is one to hang onto, because the next word may be the last for another week. ;_;
~Darth Timmyjake
That is a great ending idea >.>
<.< I think I might steal that.
xD Be my guest. xD But, you dun have to steal it. If you ask politely, I may give it willingly. heehee