~930 Words
Jay looked around. He was in an old-style platform videogame. The sky was black, and there were floating pieces of earth everywhere. Familiar with games like Mario, Donkey Kong, and the like, Jay peered around for some object of interest, some golden ring, some silver coin, some glowing princess at the top of a tower. But there was nothing: just floating gray rocks, smoothed on top and jagged on the bottom. Jay peered up at the sky directly above him. Gray rocks floated up and away forever. There seemed to be no end to them.
Jay felt a crushing sense of despair overcome him. He sat down on the rock, feeling dizzy with the infinite space around and above him. There was no way he could do this. He didn’t even know what his task was. The Enchantress had assigned him an impossible task. She didn’t want the sheep restored to royalty. She never did. That’s what her whole shtick was. She toyed with people, and when she grew bored, she tossed them away, not caring if they got hurt in the process.
That’s what had happened with Cabot, right? That’s why the Enchantress had blasted that locket into his shoulder. A sign she was done with him. Would he be trapped in this dungeon forever?
His mind spun out of control, regretting anything and everything he had ever done, said, or thought. He closed his eyes tight as the room danced around him like mouths laughing and eyes crinkled with the delight of spite. He had been stupid to go on such a dangerous quest. He had been stupid to trust that crazy shepherd.
It a cold rain began to fall.
Jay wrenched open his eyes and looked up again. No clouds. Where had the rain come from? Jay looked around again. To his right was a red glowing light. It was an exit sign, and Jay was certain it hadn’t been there before. Jay stood up shakily and took a couple of steps toward it.
But then Shep’s voice came into his mind. He wasn’t saying anything in particular, just humming a melody. Jay recognized it as the haunting melody he had sung on the Tamberet. The sound made Jay shudder.
He stared longingly at the door. There was nothing he wished for more than to step through it. He knew this horrible simulation would end if he did. Yet, he also knew that he would fail his trial, and something even worse would happen. Jay turned his back on the red exit sign, and Shep’s song changed from haunting to hopeful.
Steeling himself, Jay jumped onto the first platform. What was that quote about the first step being a thousand miles? He couldn’t remember, but he was sure it was inspiring. With memories of his adventures in Trevon welling in his mind, Jay jumped from platform to platform. He almost slipped a couple times, and his heart beat loud in his ears. What was he thinking, jumping so high on these platforms? He could die! He couldn’t even see the ground any more.
Was it just his imagination, or was the rain beginning to stop? Was the air getting warmer with every jump? Were his eyes playing tricks on him, or was the black background lightening into grey? Was Shep’s song getting louder? Could he make out words now? Jay listened hard. No. Still no words. But that didn’t matter. He was getting tired from all the jumping, but not as tired as he could have been.
Jay looked upwards with faith now. The rain had stopped, and he was distinctly aware that he was approaching… something. Something that resembled an end.
Up and up he jumped. The jumps began to become mechanical, and in his mind’s eye, every platform stepping-stone became a step of the journey. This stone is the train that dumped me into the sea. This stone is how I washed up at Shep’s feet. This stone is when I met Fleta. This stone is when Shep threw that dust into my eyes that let me see the sheep. This stone is when we met the trolls. This stone is when Fleta jumped through the circles. This stone is when Cabot kidnapped us. And on and on it went, until, at the stone when I found myself inexplicably sucked into a videogame, Jay jumped, but there was no further platform.
He looked around. The sky was almost blindingly white now, and a warm breeze ruffled his hair. The stone platform he was on extended in every direction except for the way he had jumped up to it. Not sure what to do next, Jay strolled across the great gray stone expanse.
Shep’s whistling had faded into the background, and the only sound he could hear were his own footsteps tapping lightly on the stone. The only sound, that is, until he heard a sort of moaning or mumbling coming from somewhere farther ahead.
Jay began to run, thinking of the race he had run away from, how he had promised himself he only had one more run. He laughed at how he ever thought he could run away from running. Then he stopped. He had escaped running. Here he was, running toward something, rather than away from it. Perhaps that race day had been his final run.
Soon, he discovered the source of the moanble. It was draped in a red cloak, and Jay was sure it would have had a too-bright smile if it had been showing its teeth. Jay grinned.
End of chapter
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back again.
Should be a semi-colon here instead of a colon.
These are two great descriptions, but I don't think they really fit together. Crushing is such a powerful, powerful image while overcoming is a lot slower and more surrounding. I'd stick with just the crushing if I were you.
There have been all these allusions to people getting hurt and injured, yet no one has gotten hurt or injured. Except Cabot, but he doesn't count
I'm curious as to the height and distance of these rocks he's jumping up. I don't think it's been mentioned. Also, would he be able to jump as high as a video game character would? It seems like the rocks are pretty far apart and I wouldn't expect him to be able to jump such distances on his own.
I agree with Timmy about the ending. It doesn't make much sense for Jay to be smiling. Sure he and Cabot made up a little, but I always got the feeling that Jay still doesn't like him. Not to mention, Jay is already in this strange place to begin with and is almost out, or at least feels like he's almost out, and now he's run into yet another thing that might hold him back. I wouldn't expect him to be happy about that.
I absolutely love this chapter, you have no idea. It flows so well together and even though there's no dialogue there's still a lot going on. The way Jay is just stuck in his own head while trying to figure this out is awesome. You describe it quite well and I can really imagine the effort and frustration he's going through.
That's all for me! Wonderful chapter. If I rated stuff I'd give this a 10/10. But I don't so... sorry :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy hereee - finally. I'm working on it. :3
So this is the chapter I skipped, and I'm sorry about that. >< I do still feel a tad guilty for skipping this and playing confused in the next chapter. I'm blaming you, though. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME. Anyway. Next time, please tell me when I miss one. :3 Of course, I don't plan on doing that again. Hopefully.
So I'm still having a hard time getting into the reviews and having them flow, so this may seem a bit disjointed. And since I don't know where to start this review, I'm going to begin it with the typical thing - a nitpick. And just let it flow from there. c:
First thing I noticed in this when I read through the first time wasn't an error, but more of a stylistic choice I think could be reversed or, um modified. You use a lot of short sentences - and in many cases, I'd say you're fine. Go ahead. But in places where you don't have any action going on, where it's a descriptive or thoughtful moment of Jay? - cut them out. If you don't, it's like this: Your sentences have a bouncing effect. You know how rocks bounce off the water? Like that, yeah. They just bang into the reader. And it hinders the flow and, etc. While I say that (and I have the same issue with my sentences, so it's not just you), shorter sentences are wonderful to use in certain cases - such as action scenes. Shorter sentences pick up the pace of a reader, and gives them a faster read, almost like you're giving them a dose of adrenaline. But when you're not doing action, it's best if you use varying lengths of sentences, and use the shorter sentences not often, but enough. This is first draft, so edits will help and I found with my editing that sometimes all I had to do was replace periods with commas and rearrange the wording to make the narrative flow better with more sentence variance.
Seems like it shouldn't say that. ^^
If he was only humming a melody, then he wasn't saying anything at all. xd
This is a place where I wish you'd slowed down the scene and given us a bit more showing. Why did it make him shudder? The only thing I can arrive at is that since it was a haunting melody, it made him shudder.... But the reader needs more. Basically, it's this: the reader knows Jay shuddered when you tell us he did, but they want to feel what he does, and only showing it to us can do that. Most of the time, I'd say you have a wonderful balance of show versus tell, but here it seems to lack something. I want to feel why he shuddered. Show us the melody.
When I read through this part, I like it... but at the same time, I thought it out of place and disjointed. And you know the only reason? The one and only reason was that it didn't fit with the rest of the narrative. It stuck out because it was his internal thought, and there was nothing to separate it from the rest of the piece - no quotation marks, no italics, nothing. And I think if you did have something in there to separate it from the rest of the piece, it would fit and flow perfectly - especially the last sentence. Then I would love it. c:
The only other problem I find with this chapter, because it's honestly one of your best yet, was at the end where he sees Cabot. It's pretty obvious that it's him, because of the red cape - duhhhh. xD With that knowledge, and since it's obvious that it's Cabot... why would Jay grin? He doesn't trust Cabot at all, I thought. I know I certainly wouldn't! Perhaps another sentence would help smooth over that confusion I have there, but it's only a slight problem for me. c:
I'm sorry for being so lazy with these last few chapters, Kelly. >< Don't think that I don't love this story, as I do read them all. I've just been lazy with reviewing - period. And perhaps finishing your book will help that. :3 This was an amazing chapter, one of your best, and I loved it.
Continuing onward now!
~Darth Timmyjake
Oh.
So this is why that last chapter I reviewed seemed a bit odd. xD
I'll do this next. :3
Hi Widdershins!
I'm mentally and physically exhausted but I promised myself I would write one review today, so you're going to get Deanie's not quite up to par review. I hope you don't mind :c *makes excuses*
I hope you are having a good day
This chapter was interesting. Usually when a story goes on to the main character being alone I end up bored very quickly, but not so with this character. Instead of having him sitting around, you have him recognising signs and messages. Yes, he is repeating the same action again and again (the jumping) and yet you managed to add into it a summary of all the things Jay had been through so far. I really had to appreciate that as someone who has been following your novel for a while. It was good to have that assessment. You also have him reflecting on where he has come from the beginning of the journey. I just love, love and LOVE the idea of him thinking about how he was always running away from things and after his time in Trevon and with Shep/the sheep he has learned to run towards things as well. Such a nice message again.
We're going to start with the nitpicks this time (which proves my tiredness. Not messing with the order)
I know that the next thing you do is go and explain what the platform is like and the setting around it as well. But at the same time I didn't really get much of an impression (excepting the underside of the clouds being pointy) that there was actually something which made the setting seem videogame-ish. I mean yes, there are those descriptions but nothing that really showed the whole video game aspect to it or obviously made it seem video-gamish. You need that because almost as soon as Jay enters the world he mentions that it is like a video game in one glance. So show us how!
Um. question. Could he even see the ground before? I didn't get that impression.
The sudden switch to using I as a person was a bit unsettling and out of place. If you are going to use first place, make sure you use it all the way throughout the novel. I would change this to a he or rephrase the sentence somewhat.
What I wanted to know a bit more about would have to be his initiative when it came to the door. I mean, one moment he is going to enter but is hesitating, and the next he has his exact finger on what was wrong in the first place and that they should turn around. I am not telling you to go and not hesitate or to make him hesitate longer. I just feel like he needs to ponder a bit more before he can tell what is exactly off.
When Jay is in the clouds alone, and not moving, he thinks about a lot of things. Things like being left there forever without being able to even pass a task. What I wanted to get was a feeling of hopelessness from him. Maybe the Jay wouldn't go soft on anyone and start spilling everything. In that case, you really need it to happen through the dialogue. Pick the most carefully chosen words - not too dramatic - and you will be able to make him face the consequences and the disadvantage to each point. If you don't want it to happen that way I would suggest having us see more of his thoughts. Give us that stranded and forever alone feeling!
At the end of the chapter I felt like the word 'stone' was being repeated a little bit too much. Usually it doesn't bother me, but this was all to close together in one section. Maybe use synonyms for it instead, or work around using the word a lot. It was strained before but I think it was the last paragraphs that had me over the edge.
Sorry if anything weird appears in this review O.o
Deanie x
This was the not-up-to-par review you spoke of yesterday? 0.o
Um, maybe you should read through this again. xd
Read through this again O.o did I write something weird? (Never read through them again, it's cringe worthy xD)
*facepalm*
no, I said to read through it again because this was a great review - nothing wrong with it.
I always end up editing my reviews if I read them. ><
What an interesting story! This is chapter 56?! I would love to read the other chapters.There is something about this story that captivated me. Perhaps it was the descriptions? Or perhaps it was the suspense? What would Jay do? He did not know what to do, but he must have followed his instincts. That is what I think.
The story was very well written. I only saw two grammatical errors.
"It a cold rain began to fall" should be "A cold rain began to fall".
"Here he was, running toward something..." I think the "Toward" should be "towards". I am not sure about that. Other than those two, it was a well written story.
If only the world would see these talented people and accept them. *sigh*
Good job, and if you have any questions, please ask me. I would be glad to answer. Keep practicing and never give up!!!!
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01
They don't put your name in green for nothing!
Actually, I have no idea why they put your name in green, only that it is a sign of power in this land. What I am getting at though is, this is really good! I have not read any of the previous chapters but I hate it when I see a story so far along and no one is reviewing so I figured I would check this bad boy out.
Your writing is easy to read. You describe enough to give the reader a good visual but you don't bog down your work with flowery word pictures that take forever to slog through. Thank you for that.
I also wasn't totally lost, despite jumping it at chapter 56. I like Jay. Not sure who Shep is but the humming was a nice unique touch.
I only noticed one typo.
Unsure why you have the word It floating around there but I think we could both agree it could be cut pretty easy.
I liked the flash back, disliked the switch to first person. If you are writing third person, it is best to just stick to third, even though I see what you were trying to do with him thinking, it just messes up your flow and it is distracts from the story you are telling.
I really like this line. The touch of humor was nice.
Also good job on the original story name! Points to you there.
Good work. Keep up the writing!
-DG