~800 words
After a few months, life had finally returned to a semblance of what might be called normal. The media had stopped going crazy over Jay’s sudden—and unexplained—disappearance. Jay’s brother had joined the military, and Jack Bolson had been expelled.
School was starting up again in a few weeks. Jay had been working hard to avoid retaking classes by doing extra work during the few weeks in summer he had left. The tests were hard, but he was able to pass them and move on to then next grade.
Jay trained hard for cross country, running every day. He eventually achieved third place in a cross country meet. He thought his mother would explode from the beaming pride glowing out of her eyes.
His mother had been tearful for the first few days, gathering him up in her arms at least once an hour, it seemed. Soon, the novelty of his being back wore off, and Jay was glad. He hated being the center of attention, especially when he felt he couldn’t talk about it.
His mother had demanded he tell her about where he had gone during the months he had been missing. At first Jay was reluctant.
“I won’t be mad, whatever you tell me,” she said. “I’m just so happy you’re back, and I’m intensely curious to know where my baby has been all this time.” She ruffled his hair.
Jay smiled sheepishly at the fond touch. “You’ll never believe me. It’s an insane story. I promise I’m not making it up, but you’d never believe me.”
“Honey, I’d believe anything you tell me. If you told me you went to the moon, I’d believe you. If you told me you went back in time, I’d believe you.” Her eyes widened in a realization. “I say those things not only because you’re supposed to say those kinds of things to your kid, but also because I believe them. I really think you could tell me anything, and I’d believe it.” She gave a short laugh and ran her hand through her hair. “I really think I would.”
Jay, still reluctant and unsure, began the story. As he got into it, he realized how much he had longed to tell someone about his time in Trevon. As he told the story, he could feel his mother being dragged into it. She hung on every word, gasping at the plot twists, and laughing at the funny side tracks he added when he felt his story sounded too scary for his mother.
When he finished, she just sat there, hugging him and crying.
“Do you believe me?” he finally asked.
“Yes, Jay, yes.”
---
Jay missed Trevon every day, but he was still glad to be home. The coin the Enchantress, Acacia, had given him became one of his most prized possessions. It was the only evidence that he had not dreamed up the whole thing.
One of the first things he had done when he returned to Earth was to attempt to find William. It wasn’t very hard at all. His new app had gotten quite famous in a short time. It was a video game app that involved collecting sheep and solving puzzles. He claimed he had dreamed up the idea one day.
When Jay emailed him, William had responded that he had had a sort of vision while he was recovering in the hospital from Cabot’s brutal brick attack. To Jay, it sounded an awful lot like Fleta’s simulation, where the Enchantress had forced her to be honest and tell William the whole story. Apparently the Enchantress had thought that Fleta was rather dishonest when she had first met her.
Jay, his mother, and William all went out for lunch. They got sandwiches, and Jay confirmed Fleta’s story. At first William couldn’t quite believe it, but then he admitted that it certainly fit. Cabot and Fleta had acted pretty strangely when they had been on Earth.
It felt good to explain it all to a man who had been so kind to them. At the end of their meeting, William promised to keep in touch so they could talk more about Trevon. It had been very profitable for him, at least.
It was hard to tell no one else, however. He knew the rest of the world wouldn’t have any reason to believe him, and Jay had little reason to tell them about his time in Trevon. Still, some days he would think about the adventures he had had with Fleta and Shep. He would turn the coin over and over in his fingers. He could taste Acacia’s name on his lips. But he could never say it: Who knew if he would be able to come back again to Earth?
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137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
Hi Fortis!
Make sure you have fun with it! Now referring to this chapter, I am going to say that this review is going to be very short. I literally have next to nothing to say. I loved it, getting to see a summary of everything that has happened to him since Trevon. It seems like he hasn't changed to much, but he is enjoying his life, although he does miss Trevon and hsi friends back there. And so glad the mum is believing him as well ^.^ I like his mother! The open ending was perfect because it securely closes the story, but if you ever want to do something with it in the future, you still have that possibility.
I know, I know, I am so late in saying this, but CONGRATS ON FINISHING A NOVEL! I mean, wholeheartedly! It's not an easy thing to accomplish at all and you should feel so proud of yourself ^^ I loved reading this story and reviewing every chapter. Sometimes I am going to admit that it was quite the hard work, but your chapters are always easy for me to read and very smooth going. I can't wait to read the bits about Fleta's story. And I hope some of these reviews that I have left you will be helpful when it comes to the long coming editing process
I am going to say I am a bit disappointed that we skipped over the whole media thing. I wanted to see what was going to happen there, and what he was going to say to them. Did he honestly just tell that paparazzi nothing, or did he not want to make up some more decent and controlled story? I feel like something more could've came from that in general, and it felt a bit skipped over. I was so eager to hear about that side of things.
I am glad everything got sorted out and summed up when it came to the William situation. I also remember the cinema company they went to to get the torch that Cabot wanted. I know it wasn't a key feature, but it was an important part of them being back on earth and I would've loved to have seen that included in the summary of events as well.
No need for the 'n' on the end of the 'the' there.
And that is literally all I have to say. Once again, all the congratulations possible on finishing this novel! It might take a while because I have some other novels to attend to, but I will be reading Fleta's story soon!
Deanie x
Hi there! Me again.
Expect this to be a long one. I'm gonna try and mention as much about the novel as a whole as I can, as well as reviewing the epilogue. Let's get to it!
Is it ever explained how long exactly Jay was away in Trevon? It seemed to have been a long time, and I was trying to keep up with the days as they past, but it ended up all morphing together and I wasn't sure how long it had been. I'm only asking because of what had all happened in the months after Jay had returned to Earth. Depending on how long he was away for, the story of him returning may be a bigger one than his disappearance. And I'm wondering what he told the media to get them to stop checking in on his story. Maybe he just aid he ran away and decided to come back home. It wouldn't be easy to get rid of the media though. It must've been a long couple of months.
The epilogue is wonderful. I really don't have anything else to say but that. As much as I like prologues, epilogues aren't really my thing. I say if you can wrap the story up in an extra chapter why not just make it another chapter. Anyway, I enjoyed yours. Truly. I didn't let my hatred of epilogues get in the way :3 The story wraps up quite well and we get to see what happened to Jay after. The last paragraph is great. Now we know that Jay surely does miss Trevon and everyone there since he's so tempted to go back there. It was refreshing to know that.
Now onto the general comments of the novel.
Plot wise, I think you did a grea job. At the beginning, I wasn't exactly sure where you were going with it and I had started to think that finding the sheep was too easy of a task. It seemed that Shep was finding one every other day and they were going to be done in no time. But it didn't turn out that way at all. You added so many side tracks and twists and turns that made it hard for them to even find the sheep.
Cabot was a very promising villain when he was first introduced, but then later he seemed less and less like one. I know that I was hard on you because of that, as I thought that he had to be a much eviler and intense villain, but looking back I'm fine with it. To be honest, there really doesn't seem to be a villain in your story. There's Cabot who is... cookoo in the brain I've decided xD And then there's the Enchantress who's offended easily and likes to turn people into animals. Neither of them really meant any harm and I didn't see evil really in either of them. It's interesting, I've never read a book like this where I can't point out a s specific villain. If anything, the villain is the journey to get the sheep. There was always something in their way and it was hard trying to find them and get to them.
Now to talk about Jay. You did a great job with his character. Like I mentioned a few chapters back, he really grew as a character as the story went on. That's always important for your characters, especially the main one. There's no way he would've gone through an adventure like that and not end up changing. He learned so much from Shep and really appreciated everything Shep did for him. Now that I look back at it, Shep seems to be the father/parental figure in Jay's life. There's a reason he decided to run away and I think it could've possibly had to do with his mother. So to come to Trevon and meet a man who really cared for him and wanted only the best for him was a relief. Sure, Shep turned out to just be a young prince, but he still cared for Jay much like a father might. They confided in each other and boosted self esteem. They worked together well. Without Shep, Jay wouldn't have turned into the boy he is now.
Now onto Shep. I feel like he didn't change at all through the story. I feel like I should tell you that his is a bad thing, but I don't think I should. Jay needs to change because he's the main character. Shep on the other hand is the constant guardian who needs to be stable because everyone is trusting in him. If he ended up becoming a different person, nothing would've been the same. As much as static characters are frowned upon, I think you needed that static character.
Fleta. Man, I love her. She ended up becoming one of my favorite characters, although mainly just for her relationship with Jay.
I still can't believe they didn't end up together what's wrong with you they're perfect #haterShe's another one that changed a lot. Well, maybe not a lot, but she did change. It was like the opposite of Jay. She ended up being calmer, nicer. By the end it was almost like she had found the answer to life: peace and happiness. I had never seen her as happy as she was once Shep was returned to his crown prince form. She also learned to believe in herself more. I just remembered that.Onto the trolls. I'm not so sure about them. Don't get me wrong, they're great comedic relief, but there's already enough comedy to begin with me thinks. I feel like they didn't even serve a purpose. There was something they did though, right? There had to have been. I'm not saying you should cut them, just suggesting that you should develop them more and include them in the story more often.
One person that I wish had been around more would definitely be the Enchantress. We don't meet her until Cabot, Jay, and Fleta return from Earth, right? That's what I remember. Shep kept mentioning her very vaguely and didn't go into much detail, so we knew someone like her existed. She just wasn't present much. Now that I've finished, I could see her running around Trevon, tailing the group, and causing havoc in order to make their task harder. Also, the fact that she's in love with Shep would probably draw her to him. How would she be able to stay away from him for so long, especially knowing where he was going and what he was doing? And even after that whole long journey, they still love each other. True love always wins ^_^ The Enchantress is definitely a creepy, slightly crazy lady and I wish she was in the story more.
The setting was done well. I know you're awesome at imagery because of your poetry epicness, so I had expected no less from you. It's always hard creating a new world and trying to describe/explain it to others. You see it in your mind, then you write about it, then someone sees something completely different. It's frustrating. But then again, that happens with basically everything you ever write. My point is, you gave us all of the descriptions we needed in order to understand what this world looked like. Hoorah for that!
I don't really think there's much left about Trevan that I want to know. You did a good job explaining things to us and helping us figure out this world while Jay was as well. It was always a little vague, however, how the world was being run without the royal family. I do believe it was mentioned at some point, but I don't remember exactly when and what was said. Other than that, your world building is good. Like I mentioned, we learned about the world at Jay's pace, which really helped us relate with him. I think that was a great decision. Not that it would've been done a different way. I don't think it could've been...
The one thing that really bothers me is that you never really explained what Cabot was doing in Jay's trial. The Enchantress said she threw him in for kicks and giggles, but what happened to him after that? Was it really him or was it just a hallucination thing? It's been bothering me ever since Jay got out of that trial thing. I wanted to know what happened to him. We learn that he's working now and he feels bad for what he did, but does that mean he's a completely changed person? One last visit with Cabot, somehow, at the end would really take care of everything.
I really, truly enjoyed reading this novel. I know I told you so many times before and I'm telling you again now. The adventures the characters went on were just wow and it was fun getting to live it with them. Your characters are very relatable (except maybe the trolls because I don't know how to relate with a troll) and I like them all. I think, if I absolutely had to choose, Shep would be my favorite. He's just so wise and well put together. And to think he's only just a prince! I was so convinced that he was just an old man wandering around looking for these sheep.
Thank you for such a wonderful read. I'm so proud of you for finishing this!! Way to go
Now I'll get to read more about Fleta. How exciting! ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy hereeeee
So I'll make this quick, as there isn't that much to go through as far as nitpicks go. You know, the usual stuff - a few errors and stylistic choices of mine I'm going to babble about for a while. :3
FIRST THO.
You finished the draft! Lemme just tell you how amazing that is. :3 I am so impressed with you, really. Before this, I think you were mostly just a poem girl (or at least that's what I saw. xd), and now you're spanning a much wider type of writing. And, you know, if this is your first book that you've written, it's a pretty darn good one for that. xD My first draft is tucked away in a very discreet location only me and the spiders know about. And there it's going to stay. This is well-worth reading, and I enjoyed every minute of it. :3 Yes, even your
annoyingfunny chats when you were worried about not being finished by the end of Sunday, or were out of ideas (while in reality, you had everything under control, you know).If you ever decide you're going to write another book, or if you decide to re-write this one, I'm in. <3
Read the sentence without the em-dashes. To me, it reads exactly the same. Perhaps just take them out?
So this is just a suggestion- not exactly a nitpick, although you might take it as one. You have a lot of had been throughout this chapter. Like, really a lot. It doesn't read too awkwardly, although I do think it hinders the flow, but perhaps you could read through it and see what you think?
Fancy that. xD I smiled at that part,
Hm. I read this over a few times, and I decided I just didn't like it. What this does is ends Jay's story - he's done. And while you may not want to write more on Jay, and I do read as you being done with him, he may not be done... and you've erased all chances right there of him going back in that one sentence. Basically, you may not write on Jay again, but you've eliminated all of your reader's dreaming of what could happen if he did? So I think you could find another ending sentence, one that leaves it open and hopeful for another adventure from Jay. Just a suggestion? Take or ignore it, as usual.
And about the epilogue? While your writing was a lovely as ever, I found it a bit... well, kind of boring. Basically it was a narration of what happened in several month's time following his adventures in Trevon, and I think you could spice up the ending and give it more life. And as far as it being an epilogue, it may be one, yes, but to be completely honest, I would be tempted to skip it, as I do with most prologues. An example of an amazing prologue would be the one in Mockingjay. I assume you've read that one. xD So perhaps you could think on that, look this over, and see what you can insert/take out to make the story have more life? Like the part with William could really be shortened if you ask me, as that was the boring part, but the part with the mother was, ohmygosh, so beautiful. <3 I loved that part. So that was my main issue with the epilogue. :3 Still an amazing read, but I think you could give it more life.
Congratulations, yet again. And be sure to ping me if you write another. I'd love to ride along.
~Darth Timmyjake
I guiltily admit that I wanted this epilogue to be around half its length, but word count for LMS. It'll be a lot better in the future.
Guardian here!
Incredible! Truly, truly incredible! I haven't seen imagery such as this on YWS before. I loved the character introduction that you've created!
One major thing I'd like to point out, is how you really make this flow. This seems like a professional, published book. It would be weird to ask you how old you are, but I am completely positive that for your age, you are a natural pro. I'm decent at writing myself, but I'm guessing that I could learn a thing or two from the way you write.
I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of this. (No matter how intimidating sixty chapters looks, haha)
Anyways, keep up this outstanding work, and never quit! We need writers like you!
-Guardian
Okay I felt the need to say this quick-- I haven't really read this series but now that I see it's finished I am so proud and in awe! I can't believe you wrote 60 chapters and an epilogue! I've never stuck with a story that long. I really look forward to reading it all the way through this summer if that's ok!!
CONGRATS
Thanks!