Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 20

Happy Review Day!!!

Yeah, Chapter 20!

They mostly found smooth, gray, stone,

That comma after "gray" is not necessary.

I’m led to believe that it’s not the sheep,” mused Shep.

I don't think that dialogue tag is needed, since the reader already knows that Shep is saying this.

Again, this was a great chapter! I especially liked how you described the people of Arried, making them especially unique with their special appearances and occupations. I liked the authentic accent you gave to the short woman that they talked to. And of course, it was nice to hear Jay reminiscing about home and talk about his grandfathers and mother. One thing I'm not certain about is Jay's father. He never really mentions him but talks about his mother, so is he dead, as Noelle said? Unless you've mentioned this earlier, his father's death was not explained in the text.

Having Shep, the trolls, the sheep, and Fleta as his "family" makes their relationship so much sweeter, too. Shep definitely stands as a grandfatherly figure.

I'm really excited to find out what lays before them on the mountain. Whether there's a sheep up there or not, an adventure is ahead! Nice job keeping this book flowing and exciting. I can't really remember it ever being boring.

I think that might be all the reviewing I can fit in today. Keep writing, Fortis!

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

A quick nitpick for you:

And the man I heard this from called it a “spire”

Whenever you want to use quotation marks inside of quotation marks, you have to use single quotation marks instead of the double. I'm no grammar expert, but I do believe it's that way because you already used the double quotation marks and using them again is just not how you do it. At least, that's my reasoning xD

:O Now there is even more going on in this story than just looking for the hidden sheep. I have to say, I am very intrigued. I'm also slightly scared as to what they're going to find when they make it up that mountain.

So here we really get to see Jay's truest emotions come out. I say it that way because it seems that he's been bottling them up inside of himself this whole time. Sure he thought about his home before now, sure he wished that he was there before now. But he had never mentioned anyone besides his mother. Now he's starting to think about his extended family and his dead father. All of this because he found a "new" family here.

I find it very interesting that he's just thinking of all of this now. It took him this long to admit that Shep was like a father, well, grandfather really, to him. And he's thinking of all this just before he's about to head up a very cold, possibly very dangerous mountain. Maybe he's having doubts about going along? Perhaps he's thinking of his family and who he wants to be with because he fears that he might be about to die. I'm just trying to think of the motivation he has to bring up all these thoughts.

Alrighty then, just two more chapters to go before I'm all caught up!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Timmy here!

I am afraid there isn't much for me to say, not when Skorlir (their review!!!!) and Deanie have scrounged for everything possible to comment on or nitpick. I actually read through the longest and best review of all time. It helped me as well. xD But onto the review... as best I can.

So they arrree going to take the trek up into the mountains to go find some sheep. Yay! I mean, it seemed as though they might have been doing it, although it also looked like it may have been quite a struggle for them to both make the climb and simply decide if they wanted to do it in the first place. The way Shep and Marc described it. *shudders* Well, I don't know if I would pick the place for my birthday party. But I am glad that Jay steeled his resolve and said yes. Now we get more adventure! Yay!

I don't really have any nitpicks to talk about, since every single one was taken by Skorlir, and I just feel inadequate to pull anything out and nitpick, but... I can't help myself to say one thing:

Tagging your MC - or any character, for that matter, is a tricky business. When Jay is thinking, you have his name going alllll over the place, like a broken record (Erm, we dun have those no more, so I guess scratched cd. xD). It's "Jay thought this. Jay didn't like this. Jay had no idea." and etc... That, in itself, is a case of redundancy. And it's one of the worst kinds, because you don't even realize you are doing it most of the time. Use different words to name your character. Remember: if you are only talking about one character at a given time (like Jay's thought thingy at the end), then you can resort to quite a few he's and hims - and your reader won't become confused, because you have told them already who is the character being referred to. Of course, reminding them from time to time by using his actual name (heh, not overusing he and him as well) will keep them remembering who this person is, just in case they have short term memory loss or something similar. Not like Dory. Nooooo

One last thing I have to say is on his thought session. It seemed like you were just giving us his family tree to us, explaining who was his fourth cousin, twice removed, on his mother's side was, and it didn't really move the story much at all for Jay to tell us about his grandparents.

Jay didn’t know his grandfathers: they both died before he was born. Jay’s mom told him that her father was a roofer, and one day he fell. She said he had been a good man. He was good to his wife and his children, and he sang to Jay’s mom every night before he died. Jay’s grandfather on his dad’s side disappeared right after Jay’s dad was born.

That is an awful lot to pull out for a quote. But look at it: Just imagine what the piece would look like without it. That's right. If you just eliminated that entire paragraph altogether, and maybe (possibly?) gave us this information later on in the book, I don't think your chapter would be missing anything. In fact, I think it would be doing much better overall. The two paragraphs on each side flow into each other pretty well, too.

Just a thought, of course. It's up to you in the end.

There really isn't much more for me to say here... As usual, I loved their dialogue and the trolls and Jay and Shep were fun to listen to - and of course, Gilfred's way of coaxing people has to be admired. That works best, after all.

I wonder what awaits at the mountain. I must find out!
~Darth Timmyjake

I'm sorry I didn't get to this chapter yet, but now I'll review it.

Great description, like always. You're particularly skilled at it.

“Let’s ask around then,” said Godfrey. He was surveying the little town with an eye like a predator. He looked like he could drag the truth out of someone with just a look.

Rawr. Beware of Godfrey. *giggles* The description we've had of Godfrey so far does not generally make me think "predator."


[/quote]I’ve heard that some kind of huge metal spike showed up there...“That does sound suspicious,” said Shep,[/quote] Again, giggling from the level of Shep's understatement here. Generally huge metal spikes are pretty suspicious.

Jay nodded. He wasn’t looking forward to a trek up the mountain, but he figured that if that’s what it took to get a sheep, he wouldn’t complain. Jay straightened in his seat. This thought surprised him. Toward the beginning of this journey, he hadn’t really cared about Shep’s quest. Now he felt like these sheep where his family, and Shep was his grandfather.

Yay! Character development! Although to be fair, if you're going this route, you might want to make him a little less willing to tag along at the beginning of the story.

Then Jay started thinking harder about home. His mother was kind to him. She loved Jay, and always had a smile for him no matter how hard her day had been. Jay had no idea how he was going to get home. A deep pang of homesickness struck his heart like a lightning bolt. He might never get home. The only way Jay could think of the go home was to stand in the middle of the ocean and wait for a train that might never come. Suddenly all Jay wanted was to hug his mother, and to sleep in his own bed.

And he's finally getting homesick, too! It had to happen eventually.

Heya Fortis!

What I liked most about this chapter was that again we're getting to see more about Jay's home. Seeing as he has taken the time to distance himself from his family -- or just mainly his brother -- we're getting too see that he had a good mother and that he's starting to miss her. I this was a good time to add it in there and very believable the way you carried it out. But when it comes to the chapter itself, I have to say this wasn't my favourite. Yes, the journey of adventure is progressing and I am sure they are about to be thrown into a difficult situation where they may or may not be rewarded with a sheep, but I feel like we're missing something.

I feel like it would be easy enough to break this chapter down into bits. The first part being setting description, the second being moving on with the story and the last bit being emotions. I think it's a good thing that you've managed to include it all in there, but I feel like it really all needs to be mixed together bit more? If you get what I mean. There should be bits of setting here and there, actions that progress the story and Jay's thoughts throughout it al so we can't really dissect the chapter bit by bit and we get to have it all flow nicely together.

The first thing would be to try and put setting in there, but have Jay included in it too. Maybe have his eyes glued to the magnificent mountains as he stares at them and then have him squint (where you can mention the sunlight that always reflects off them.) Instead of just describing the hard people, maybe have him walking along a street and one of them bumping into him or something and just walking past without a care. That could make Jay ask Shep what was up with him or something, and that would give us the explanation as to why the are such hard people themselves. I think you are getting my point now. ^.^ Try and make it more involving with Jay.

I wanted to mention later on in this review that I'm feeling kind of distanced from Jay as the main character now, but doing as said above should fix that I think. You used to do this well but I think it later chapters it gradually started fading away...

As for the chunk of emotion there at the end, I would actually have an exception and leave it as it is. It was a good moment to have in there and to be able to read it as I whole. I feel like it might even inspire him to ask about Shep's family, outside of the sheep and Fleta. I would be curious to know seeing as he doesn't really speak about it.

It was a hard town full of hard people.

I think you need to make it more clear that it's the weather and hard work that makes them so hard, even though they do get good results. The thing is that after saying this you immediately say how they find valuables and even when they don't, what they do find is good enough. It implies that life isn't too hard that way. Maybe switch it up so you mention the work and weather first, and therefore bring across the message better of a tougher life?

Hm, one thing I found a little strange about the woman is that she happily answers all their questions and never has any of her own. When strangers walk into town asking about suspicious behavior, it is a little suspicious in itself. I, for one, would be greatly curious as to why they want to know and what they might do about it. I feel like such a talkative and open woman who knows all the gossip might be like this too.

Instead of pulling out the whole paragraph, I just want to say that the second last paragraph uses the word 'home' far too much for my liking. Maybe pull it out in some places where it isn't needed and try and find other ways of saying things in other places? Two or three times is okay, but more than that and it gets repetitive.

I hope Jay does find a way home in the end, if he wants to go Let me know when you post the next chapters! I wonder what's been happening on that mountain ^.^

Deanie x

The mountains loomed like giants, showing snow-topped peaks by the morning sun.

"Showing" is boring. "Revealing?" "Topped by?" "Crested by?" Try something more descriptive.

The town they had stopped in, Arried, butted up against the feet of the mountains.

It would be fine if you just said "butted up against their feet." "The mountains" can carry over into the next sentence as an antecedent - and it makes the sentence less repetitive this way.

It was a hard town full of hard people.

Comma comma comma. This reads better with a comma: "...a hard town, full of hard people."

They lived through mining for valuable commodities—coal, gold, precious stones.

"live through" is not idiomatic. Perhaps "made a living by," "eked out their living by"— something involving "making a living." As it is, the wording is awkward.

Not that they found these all that often.

Antecedent error. To what does "these" refer? After some thought, I realize you're talking about precious metals and other mined goods. At first, I thought you were saying that our travelers don't often find towns like this, nestled away in the mountains. Which was confusing.

They mostly found smooth, gray, stone, which was valuable in its own way.

You needed a comma. Now you need to remove a comma. Take this comma (the one I'm about to show you), and put it where I said you needed one earlier. "...smooth, gray, stone" is incorrect. "...smooth, gray, stone" makes it look like "stone" is another adjective in a list of descriptors. Like... Mmmh. Nevermind. Even if you were to say "smooth, gray stone [something]," whether that [something] be "houses" or "books" or "unicorns," you still wouldn't put a comma there.

That is to say, take out the comma between "gray" and "stone," so it reads: "smooth, gray stone".

The people all had the same wrinkled, scrunched-up faces from being in so much sun that shined off bright mountains;

Awkward wording. It's fine until after the word "faces," then it becomes a complex sentence gone wrong. Either rephrase things to flow better, or use some punctuation.

hunched backs from huddling to keep warm for too long; and thick arms from moving stones onto ships.

You need an "and" at the beginning of this clause. "The people all had the same wrinkled... faces... and hunched backs..." etc. The list structure you're using, with the semicolons? It's too complex. It becomes confusing. It's convoluted. Hemingway would tell you "shame."

Your structure is bland. For instance, consider rewording "huddling to keep warm for too long" as "huddling for warmth throughout the long winter." And then again: "from moving stones onto ships" could be reworded to be less bland, like if you said "from loading quarry rocks onto ferries."

The innkeeper, Salim,

That's a fun name.

had told them that this time of year was the best for going up the mountain.

I won't pause for this reason again.

Notice the tense you're using here? The past perfect, I believe it's called. Well, it's bad. Avoid the past perfect tense; that's one of the rules of writing with active voice. And while, yeah, it's easy to scoff at the words "Active voice" and think, "my voice is fine! I'm a good writer - everyone says so," the truth is: you'll be an even better writer if you write in active voice.

Alright. That's done.

There weren’t too many storms, and the cold seemed not to sink into one’s bones if they kept moving.

This is a little persnickety, but nonetheless: your pronouns disagree. You should not say "one's... if they..." Rather, you should use the same pronoun throughout a sentence. It should be "one's bones if one...".

Also, I think you could benefit from adding a comma between "bones" and "if."

"the cold seemed not to sink into one's bones, if one kept moving."

This sentence has better diction than you've used recently here, and I like it.

The trek was always hard, but if there was any time to go, it was now.

Eh... I don't guess I have any particular improvements I think are concrete enough to give here, but I will say that I think this sentence can be improved and made more readable.

“Well there’s no reason to go up there unless we have a lead to something suspicious going on,” Shep said, squinting at the mountains.

Preposition misuse. "...a lead to something..." should be "...a lead on something..."

“Let’s ask around then,” said Godfrey. He was surveying the little town with an eye like a predator. He looked like he could drag the truth out of someone with just a look.

BEE-DOO BEE-DOO BEE-DOO.

~Tense disagreement alert!~

If "said Godfrey," then "surveyed" he too. But, if "says Godfrey," then he "surveys."

Choose one (and only one).

* Corrigendum #1 : There's actually another way you could improve this. Rather than starting a new sentence when you say "Godfrey was surveying," try something like "Godfrey said as he surveyed..." or "Godfrey said, surveying.... as he spoke." As it is, it's more awkward than anything. The tenses half-way disagree. It's more complex than just tense disagreement. It can be fixed by just picking a tense and sticking to it - but I think it's more appropriate to try and meld things together, as you're trying (and somewhat failing) to do already.

“Exactly what I was thinking,” said Shep, then looked down at Godfrey. He seemed surprised to see his expression.

This is a little confusing. Which "he" is whom?

“Well we’re not going to beat the information out of anyone. Attract more flies with honey and all that.”

This is good, realistic dialogue. I like it. The expression also fits.

I am wondering, however, what kind of "something suspicious" our characters seek. Maybe this is something I would know if I had read the previous chapters.

The mean look slipped off of Godfrey’s face like a child dropping a stolen candybar.

Well, this doesn't make much sense. When was Godfrey making a mean face? And I do not think the analogy of a child dropping a candy bar works. It almost does - and I think it could - but first you need to... tweak it some.

The reader needs to know that Godfrey is harboring malicious intent before the reader can appreciate the meaning of the last couple sentences. This was lost on me at first, until I realized that the "him" whose expression surprised "he," was Godfrey, whose conniving look surprised Shep, who is now chastising Godfrey.

“Well that innkeep fella wasn’t so keen to give it up,” he muttered.

“Salim has had a hard life,” Shep said, as if he had known the man forever. A woman stepped outside to put her washing on the line. “Let’s go talk to her,” he suggested.

Good idea.

---

*jeopardy theme music*

Why is there a delimiter here? There isn't really any time passing between events; we aren't fast forwarding through a boring scene or something. It would work better to say "the party walked off toward her" than to break like this, and act like you are going to change gears or speed up time.

The short woman squinted up at Shep. “There’s plenty strange things that happen in the mountains,” she said. “The most strange of them come from the tallest one a’course. That un’ has always had rumors floating ‘round it as thick as th’ fog. But you say recent rumors? Yep, I’ve heard that some kind of huge metal spike showed up there. Maybe that’s what yer lookin’ for?”

Did she just... start talking? As soon as Shep was in earshot? Did they ask her anything? I mean, I guess the "---" just above could have been intended to skip over the introductions and niceties, but I think I'd actually rather have them. I want to know what's going on. I don't just want to skip ahead here. Not really.

Otherwise, the dialogue is very well written. I'm impressed, actually.

“That does sound suspicious,” said Shep, “can you describe it more?”

Yes; go on, weird laundry lady.

“Well it only showed up this last week or two. And the man I heard this from called it a “spire” or somesuch. He said it was dark gray, like the rocks, and hardly reflected light at all. He wasn’t sure it was metal, but he said stone could never be made into such a swirling pillar.”

A few things here. First, you need a comma at the beginning, after "Well." Just because the woman speaks poorly does not mean that you are permitted to be lax on grammar. Second, "somesuch" is not a word. "some such" is what you mean. Third, I don't think "swirling" is an appropriate descriptor for the spire. Swirling how? Is the spire moving? You say it hardly reflects the light, so I imagine it being sort of static, dull. Either describe this more, so that the "swirling" thing makes sense, or try something like "spiraling" or "looming," if that's more what you were aiming for.

Also, when you are formatting quotes within quotes, like: "I was talkin' to this guy, and he was like, 'hey, lady... nice hair,' and I was like..."

Well, you should use 'single quotes' inside your "double quotes."

“Hm. Sounds mighty suspicious. Thank you ma’m.” Shep made a little bow, and the woman blushed, then turned to busy herself with the washing.

This should be "Shep made a little bow." END SENTENCE. "The woman blushed, then turned to busy herself with the washing."

As it is, you've misused a comma and created a run-on.

Back at the inn, Shep, Jay, Gilfred and Godfrey sat around a round table.

"around a round table" is a little repetitive.

Jay traced his fingers over the rough pattern of the wooden table.

Here, you again have an opportunity to use more exciting words. For instance, perhaps Jay traces his fingers over the "rough hew of the table," or "the thick lacquer on the table's surface."

Even if you don't like either of those alternatives, you can still be more descriptive.

“Do you think that’s where the sheep is?” asked Gilfred.

Ooh. "the sheep." Must be something they've been looking for?

“Well, I do and I don’t. I don’t know anything other than magic that could make something like a giant metal spire. But the sheep were hidden years and years ago. If the spike showed up just a week or two ago, I’m led to believe that it’s not the sheep,” mused Shep.

This sequence is pretty good too. You're better at dialogue than description. Know your strengths, I guess.

One small improvement, though: it's already implied that Shep is responding to Gilfred. You don't need to say "mused Shep" at all - you can just end the paragraph with his dialogue and a period.

“Well, maybe the folks ‘round here don’t go up there all too often. Somethin’ fishy is going on there. Maybe we should check it out anyway.”

I think it's odd that Gilfred says "maybe." It seems like he wants to go check out the spire, and he's got a chance here to convince Shep.

If I were Gilfred, I'd speak with conviction. "Somethin' fishy is definitely going on - we should check it out, just to be sure." Something like that.

“Hm. I suppose that’s true. I’d say it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see it. Maybe it was covered under snow until now. I think it’s worth looking at.”

And he still convinced Shep? Gee, Shep. You're a pushover. This must've been what you planned on doing all along.

If you wanted to make Shep seem unsure, he certainly didn't hold his ground much. Or think about it very long.

Jay nodded. He wasn’t looking forward to a trek up the mountain, but he figured that if that’s what it took to get a sheep, he wouldn’t complain.

A sheep? A minute ago, Gimley or Giffley or... shucks... uh... Gilfred! Yes, Gilfred was talking about the sheep - like, as in, the one sheep to rule them all or what-have-you. Are there multiple of these highly sought-after sheep?

And what's all this about Jay? We were just having a bit of dialogue between Gilfred and Shep, I thought. Why is Jay nodding? He hasn't really been part of the discussion until now.

Jay straightened in his seat. This thought surprised him.

What thought? You should say "Then a thought surprised him: [start describing thought]." As it is, you make it sound as if I, the reader, already have been presented "this thought," whatever it is. In fact, I have no idea what Jay is being surprised by. I'm still wondering why he's the subject of attention all of a sudden.

Toward the beginning of this journey, he hadn’t really cared about Shep’s quest. Now he felt like these sheep where his family, and Shep was his grandfather.

That's a weird family tree.

Jay didn’t know his grandfathers: they both died before he was born. Jay’s mom told him that her father was a roofer, and one day he fell. She said he had been a good man. He was good to his wife and his children, and he sang to Jay’s mom every night before he died. Jay’s grandfather on his dad’s side disappeared right after Jay’s dad was born.

What does this have to do with anything...? I'm all for character development, but this really just came out of nowhere.

It felt good to feel among family,

Nerp. This is not grammatically correct. "It felt good to feel like he was among family" would be correct, as would "It felt good to feel like he had family," or "It was nice to have family again," or any variation of the clause that actually has a subject, verb, and noun that work together properly.

[...]especially a family that was so kind to him. Jay smiled to himself as Shep and the trolls discussed their plans.

The trolls? Hm. I guess I hadn't realized Gilfred and Godfrey were trolls. Are they taller than everyone else? Uglier, at least? How do they fit into the tavern so easily? How have they been traipsing around everywhere, unnoticed by the townsfolk? I usually think of trolls as being intimidating creatures, so it's odd to suddenly be in their presence, having gone all this time without being reminded or made aware.

Then Jay started thinking harder about home. His mother was kind to him. She loved Jay, and always had a smile for him no matter how hard her day had been. Jay had no idea how he was going to get home. A deep pang of homesickness struck his heart like a lightning bolt. He might never get home. The only way Jay could think of the to go home was to stand in the middle of the ocean and wait for a train that might never come. Suddenly all Jay wanted was to hug his mother, and to sleep in his own bed.

Again, I don't really see where all this is coming from. Why is all this unfolding in Jay's head? Am I just missing the context here? What's the point of all the reverie?

Perhaps all will become clear soon, if I keep reading. But nonetheless, there's not much going on in the last few paragraphs. Quite frankly, Jay's little feel fest is detracting from the story. And all of this, when I thought I was in the midst of a discussion between Gilfred and Shep! I mean, I was in the midst of a discussion between Gilfred and Shep, until Jay suddenly stood up and became stupefied by his feelings. Is anything going on right now?

But he would worry about that after the sheep were returned to their rightful place.

Again the sheep. I'm sure there's a reason they keep coming up. I just wish they'd get on with it though.

Jay steeled his resolve and nodded when Shep asked him if he was sure he wanted to go on the trip up the mountain.

This is awkward. It would be better if the action happened in sequence - "Suddenly, Shep asked Jay if he was sure he wanted to take the mountain trek. Jay steeled his resolve, and nodded slowly."

Something like that. As it is, things are a little out of order, and the scene is weakened by the lack of immediate action.

∑ ({thoughtsonS : S = this story}):

So I get that this chapter is mostly character development - we get to see inside Jay's head a bit.

But it's kind of boring. Jay's feelings; his realizations; his homesickness... They're slow-paced, and the whole thought session abruptly interrupts the interesting part of the story - where Shep is pondering the mysterious spire and this tall, foreign mountain.

I don't commonly hand out pacing advice (or novel advice in general); I'm more of a reviewer for style and technique. That said, you could try interspersing Jay's little feeling fest with bits of discussion between Shep and the other members of the party. You could even make it kinda cool, like the reader is perceiving all the discussion from a distance, like it's coming through a tunnel - preoccupied inside Jay's mind, everything seems curious and unimportant; maybe even pleasantly so. Like everything outside of what Jay is thinking, all of the "real life" stuff, is happening in a little jar, and he's standing over it and looking out the window... until they pull him back in, asking "Jay? Are you sure you want to do this?"

It's an effective trope; the "getting lost in my own head just before a big event" sequence. But you're putting off all of Jay's mental wanderings until the discussion has ended. I don't know what Shep and Gilfred and Godfrey are doing while Jay stands there daydreaming, but it seemed like, when Jay stood up, everyone was about to go. Why aren't they worried about him or something? If he just stood up, for no reason, and started staring into the distance, that would be weird. Similarly, if he stood up and just... stood there, when they were all getting ready to leave, they'd stop and wait and wonder what was the matter.

As it is, it's like time stops just so Jay can think about his family and feel homesick. It doesn't make much sense, and the whole time I've got a tugging sensation in the back of my head - like something is wrong, and I really need to just get back to the tavern and the other characters so I can figure out what's going on and finish up here. If things didn't seem so.. finalized, when Jay started his reverie, it wouldn't feel so out of place, I think.

This was a rather boring chapter. The story doesn't have much unique to it. The cast seems pretty par-for-fantasy, too: we have what's apparently a pair of trolls being led by this fellow, Shep (whom I assume is old, judging by the whole grandpa thing), and then we have our token begrudging member who isn't sure where his obligations lie: Jay.

If the trolls acted in unique ways, or people reacted to them uniquely, or they just shifted the group dynamic more - well, maybe the party wouldn't seem so average (for fantasy). But, as it is, that's the overall feeling I get. Just an average group of traveling heroes.

Even though everything so far is pretty cut and dry, I'm still a little curious what will happen. I guess it's my inner fantasy geek. It's been a while since I've read any fantasy.

I guess I did read this.

How in the world are you going to structure an adventure around looking for sheep? I mean, I guess you already are, but still...

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir