E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 53

by Rook

~941 words

Shep pat the sheep on the head vacantly, his eyes staring off somewhere in the distance. “This is the last sheep. We can go home now. We can… We can do anything now. We can restore Castle Gozgarden.” He sounded far away.

“But first we’ll have to find our way out of here,” Jay reminded. “Where’s that shade?” He waited for the edgeless voice to creep back into his mind, but nothing came. He looked around for abnormal shadows, but could see nothing.

“Gwendolyn must have taken her shade with her,” Shep said, rising out of his trance.

“How are we going to get back?” Jay felt sick when he imagined trying to find their way back through the mirrored maze. He had thought the shade would be there to guide them back. He should have paid better attention to the twists and turns of the labyrinth! But Jay knew that even if he had paid better attention, there was no way he could have memorized the way back. There were too many corners, too many choices, too many options for failure. “It’s impossible. We’re going to die here, and be just like Gwendolyn and the shade.”

Shep didn’t look disconsolate, however. “So long as I get to be Gwendolyn,” he teased. “I’ve always wanted to brood at the center of a mirror labyrinth.”

“How can you joke at a time like this? There’s no way to find our way back!”

“What’s a shepherd without a little wool?” he asked mysteriously. He pulled out a small ball of thin gray yarn. Jay could see now that there was string leading out the door of the banshee’s chamber.

Jay stood dumbfounded. Shep must have started unraveling the string back at the beginning of the maze. But that would mean… “That’s a lot of string,” Jay said, raising his eyebrows in a question.

“I had three more balls of it,” Shep admitted. “I had to tie the ends together. I was getting rather worried that I would run out completely.”

“Let’s go, then! There’s no time to waste!”

Shep nodded. “I agree.”

They stepped out into the mirrored maze, Shep rolling the yarn back into a ball as he went. The ball grew and grew. They strode confidently around corners, never pausing to consider if it was the right way to go. But the yarn didn’t fail, and soon, they had exited the maze, finding themselves again in the antechamber. Shep peered out the door, and, seeing no one, beckoned to Jay.

Jay felt conspicuous, leading a sheep through the Potentate’s estate. But then he reminded himself that the sheep were invisible to everyone who had not had the magic dust—or whatever it was—thrown in their eyes. His heart still began to beat hard whenever someone else passed them in the hall.

The Potentate himself appeared at the end of the hallway. Jay could hear Shep intake a sharp breath. But they kept walking. Jay knew that it would look much more suspicious if they turn to run or hide than if they risked the chance of the Potentate seeing them. Jay held his breath as the Potentate passed with his grand ceremonial robes swishing. He didn’t even glance at Jay and Shep. He must be too high and mighty to give two guards any form of special attention, Jay thought. He let out his breath when the Potentate was out of earshot. The rest of the travel through the estate went as well as could be hoped.

Shep casually dropped the stolen key ring he had used to get into the antechamber on the ground near the front door. Jay hoped that the guard would think it was his own fault, but he doubted that would actually happen.

They pushed through the main doors into the bright afternoon sunshine. Jay blinked. His eyes were still used to the dark mirror maze and the dim interior of the Potentate’s estate. Jay knew that Marc would be waiting across the street for them to come out. They were to reunite with Fleta and the trolls at Mags’s inn.

Jay saw Feta standing just outside the door to the inn, studying the crowd. Her face lit up when she caught sight of them. “Welcome back!” she shouted. Jay grinned and soon they were inside the inn, sharing their story of what had happened in the estate.

Mags sidled up with a jug of cider, pouring them each a glass. She lingered for a while as Shep and Jay related their journey.

Fleta listened, nodding along. When they had finished, she asked, “So we’re going to go back to Gozgarden?” Her voice sounded hopeful.

Shep nodded, looking tired. “It’s finally time to go home.”

“Are you going to tell Jay…?” Fleta trailed off meaningfully.

“Why should I?” Shep grumbled, narrowing his eyes.

“I don’t know, maybe because he’s been traveling with you for several months? He doesn’t even know who you are!” Fleta took a gulp of cider to keep from saying anything further.

“Why ruin the surprise? He can see who I am when it’s time. That time will be soon. I think we can all wait a little longer.”

Jay watched this discussion with less confusion than he would have thought. He always knew that there was something that Shep was keeping from him. He was excited to be able to find out what it was soon.

Shep drained the rest of his cider. “We head out tomorrow. Brace yourself for the unexpected. I’m not sure exactly what is going to happen when we reach Gozgarden. Get a good night’s sleep tonight.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sun Jun 28, 2015 7:07 pm

Hi there! Noelle back again.

Shep pat the sheep on the head vacantly, his eyes staring off somewhere in the distance. “This is the last sheep. We can go home now. We can… We can do anything now. We can restore Castle Gozgarden.” He sounded far away.

All of these descriptions of what Shep is doing and how he's speaking seem underwhelming. He just found the last sheep! The adventure is over! He can go home! I expected him to be happy and excited, not knowing what to do with himself (especially since I know things about Shep I'm not supposed to know yet :3), but he's just kind of standing there. Maybe he reacts different than anyone else would. Either way, I expected something greater than the reaction he gave.

We can… We can do anything now.

The second 'we' should be lowercase since this is still in the same sentence.

How is it that Jay didn't know that Shep had been laying down wool? The labyrinth is full of mirrors which I'm sure he looked in from time to time. Even that quick look would show Shep behind him laying down wool. I can understand you wanting to add suspense here, but it just seems unrealistic. Of course Jay would know about the wool.

I really wish you wouldn't have alluded to the fact that Shep isn't exact who he says he is. That ruins a bit of the surprise. Now we know that something is up, whether we've been assuming or not. It won't be as much of a huge reveal. This is the dialogue that I'm not all that keen about:
He can see who I am when it’s time.

There it's blatantly said that he's not who he says he is. If you had just left that part out then we wouldn't be sure what exactly Shep is going to tell Jay. I could've been anything.

I never really have anything to say in these reviews. Your writing is great and the story is so enjoyable. I'm impressed with how consistent you've been with the writing style and the story telling. It all flows together very well.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy hereeee

*says nothing about having done four reviews in four consecutive days*

pat the sheep on the head vacantly, his eyes staring off somewhere in the distance.


Okay, so here is just a little thing that grated on me a bit as I read, but doesn't affect the piece much. You say he patted the sheep on the head vacantly, and then you say he was staring off into space. You said the same thing twice. You told us twice he was behaving vacant. Anyway, I don't know why that mattered. But there it is.

This chapter was as good as the previous ones, and I lurv lurv Shep's idea and brilliance to use the string to get out of the maze. It seemed a bit too easy when I read it, as I expected more challenges to face them. But it's okay if something actually works out for them as they planned. :p I also am not sure why Jay didn't see it when they walked inside the maze. Shep would've been beside him, uncoiling the thing and letting it drag behind him for so, so long. And yet Jay never noticed? It seems a bit more than odd. Perhaps there's a smidgeon of detail I'm missing out on.

He had thought the shade would be there to guide them back. He should have paid better attention to the twists and turns of the labyrinth! But Jay knew that even if he


These sentences are cut from the same block, template, cookie-cutter - whatever you want to call it. He thought this, he should have paid, he knew that even. Redundancy is probably the biggest reason readers get hung up on parts of books. And while this kind of redundancy doesn't BLING out to you when you're reading through, it creates a bump for the reader that should be smoothed over. Break it up. Different sentence structure always. c:

Forgive me if I am technically nitpicky today. I'm working on editing my book, and so everything is just BOOM in my face. You should see my editing. >> So messy.

We can restore Castle Gozgarden


Excuse me whaa? Perhaps it's just that it's been quite a while since I've read your book, about a month, but I have no idea what Castle Gozgarden is besides a cool name. I know you explained something about a castle a little while ago in the book, and I know the sheep were transformed from people to sheep, so perhaps they were the royalty of that castle? It would make sense to me. :p But that's not the problem. The issue is that I had to stop reading and think long and hard about it before I realized what and where the castle is. Perhaps if you brought the castle and their situation into the conversations more often, it would refresh our memories?

His heart still began to beat hard


Began to is sloppy writing. I must have edited ten different usages of it in yesterday's editing. >> Removed that and just have his heart still beat hard...., which is wayyy tighter and more concise. And the began to isn't really necessary, is it?

Jay could hear Shep intake a sharp breath


Looks like Livvy already nitpicked on this sentence, but I have one more. This is something you do quite often, I find myself doing quite often - most writer's I've seen do this (those on YWS and in my writer's group - not published). Jay could hear should be changed to Jay heard. It's tighter, more in the now than "could hear", and just flows better. You have the same issue in a few other places.

Jay knew that it would look much more


Watch your usage of that. It isn't necessary here, and is basically an extra word thrown into the middle of it all. Remove it and the sentence flows just the same. Jay knew it would look....

Jay blinked. His eyes were still used to the dark mirror maze and the dim interior of the Potentate’s estate.


No offense to your beautiful writing, but this was boring. He blinks when he goes outside? o.o Oh, come onnnnnn. You have such beautiful descriptions and so many ways of making the reader feel what Jay is. Don't give us a lightweight feeling to try and fit to our senses. Jay just walked out from a dim environment to the bright sun. He's going to be temporarily blinded. It's gonna hurt. Let the reader feel it, too. c:

Mags's inn.


If it ends with an "s", I'm almost 100% certain you don't need that extra 's' to make it possessive. Because then it's like you're a snake, going sssssss. I saw the extra "s" in a few of the classics I've read lately (merh), but none in the more recent books. So, Mags'. Edit that out when you get around to it?

Fleta trailed off meaningfully.


Now that's bloody confusing. How can someone trail off meaningfully? There are expressions you can use that the reader knows and understands, and comparisons they understand because they've seen and heard it before. This? It stuck out like a sore thumb, and I have no idea what you're trying to say. :p Also, it's redundant, the whole trailed off, since the dialogue punctuation (....) already says she trailed off. Just a minor technicality. c:

As you can see, the only thing I ever find in your chapters are technical things you would fix over time, anyway. These chapters are so perfect to begin with, it's very very very hard to find something to nitpick, and even harder to find something worthwhile to talk about. That's just mean. We have a lot of excitement coming our way, gonna save da world and restore the sheep to their rightful thrones. Also, what's this about Shep? O_0 Sounds like there's more to him than meets the eye. hehe I'mma look forward to learning about that as I go through. c:

Dis is fun. ;)
~Darth Timmyjake

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Wed Apr 01, 2015 5:10 am

Heya Widdershins!

First reviewer AND all caught up? Today is definitely my day *feels proud* Anyway, onto the review!

Ah, this chapter in general makes me smile. Not only was the classic way the method of getting out of the maze, there was also the idea that Shep's life work (well, not complete life. He is immortal after all) is complete. After working on this quest for so long I am sure that at times it got hard for him to see that there could possibly be an end to everything he had done. He must've worked his way through so many different lands and met so many different people... I hope this is also all reflected upon in future chapters too! Because then the reader can understand the consequences. And I am glad in a way, that some things have been held back from Jay. It means that even though we are nearing the end of the story, we as readers still have something to look forward to. Can't wait!

One thing I am a bit disappointed in was because the finding of the sheep was difficult, I did expect there to be something harder about exiting. Yes, the wool was a great idea, but imagine if it had snapped somewhere along the line where he had hastily tied the knots, and they were lost? And had to find some other way to get out of the maze like climbing over the walls of mirrors or something similar to that? I wanted to have a bit more difficulty here, but maybe you will edit the story and make this last challenge a bit more challenging. Or maybe not. It's up to you!

Jay could hear Shep intake a sharp breath.


Rewriting this one: Jay could hear Shep take in a sharp break.

I feel like even though Jay knows it will be hopeless to ask Shep to reveal his secret in sooner time than need be, he should still playfully try and tease and see if he can wrangle an answer. I like that he was smart enough to know that he didn't know everything, but no point in not trying right? Oh, and maybe now that he knows his quest is complete thoughts of home could start slipping in there again... especially as he isn't completely sure how to get back there even if he wants to!

Great chapter, as always! Let me know when you next update! ^.^

Deanie x

Thank you for all these great reviews!!
Sorry I couldn't respond to them, as I've been mostly using mobile to access YWS.
Anyway, you touched on pretty much everything that I had a feeling was wrong. I know I'm moving too fast, but I'm glad it's not just in my head that that's happening. To be honest, I'm trying to finish my story quickly. I think I'm going to change around some of the events and such. I'm definitely going to add more detail into the finding of this sheep, and I might just scrap the whole cave thing for the last sheep. It was kind of lazy, and I want something more puzzle-like for it. We'll see if I can think of anything. I just know I have to make the road to Gozgarden from Earth much longer and bumpier. It was kind of smooth-sailing.

Thanks again!



Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash