Chapter 23
~932 words
They stepped through the portal. On the other side of the swirling entrance was… seemingly nothing—just a long expanse of gray flatness. Cabot led them forward, and as they walked, they grayness seemed to get farther away, and a little bit more transparent, almost as if they were pushing through layers of thin fabric.
“What is this place?” Jay asked, eyes wide in wonderment.
“This is the world-between-worlds,” intoned Cabot. He paused for a second and scrutinized Jay. “You should have seen this on your way to our land.”
“I kind of fell asleep,” Jay said sheepishly.
Cabot shook his head, disgusted. “This is like a hallway between every world. I’m not sure how many there are, but to get there, you have to pass through this place. The best part about it is that it speeds the curation of injuries,” Cabot gestured to Jay’s bandaged hand, “and, if you spend enough time here, you can actually grow younger. But you can also go crazy if you spend too long here.”
“It doesn’t feel like we’re going anywhere,” Fleta said.
“That’s because we aren’t physically going anywhere. We just need to walk to show our intent. The longer we walk, the more likely it is that the world-between-worlds recognize that we really do want to go to Earth. It’s all quite complicated, and when the enchantress explained it to me, I’m not sure I understood it all. Keep walking boy!”
Jay had stopped in his tracks. Although Cabot and Fleta continued to move their feet, they didn’t get any farther away. Jay could still reach out his arms and touch them. “Not until you answer some questions,” Jay said, crossing his arms.
Cabot rolled his eyes. “Fine. Give me your questions and be quick about it.”
“I have several. First of all, what did you do to Shep, Gilfred, and Godfrey?”
“Simple suspended-animation hex. I linked those sticks to them so that when I broke the sticks, they would be frozen. Shep could talk a little when I first broke the stick, because there was still a little bit of bark keeping the sticks connected.”
“Will they be alright? Will they always be like that?”
“No. Whenever I want them to be, they can be reanimated.”
Jay’s mind worked furiously. He was already starting to come up with a plan. He wasn’t sure on the details yet, but the idea loomed like a shadow, right under his consciousness. “That’s really amazing. We don’t have any magic back on Earth. Is it hard to reanimate them?”
Cabot puffed up a bit. “No. I just touch the broken sticks together, and walah! reanimated.”
“Cool,” said Jay, adding that to him memory banks. “Next question is for Fleta.”
“Which,” Cabot interrupted, “she will only answer if I approve.”
“Right. Of course. Fleta, what happened to Reyus?”
Fleta’s eyes lit with the laughter that seemed to have left her since Jay last saw her. But she looked up at Cabot, asking permission. Jay could see the sarcasm in this gesture, but Jay was glad to see that Cabot nodded, oblivious to the fact she was mocking him.
The laughter in Fleta’s eyes quieted. She gave Jay a penetrating look and said, “The sheep is dead. He couldn’t withstand his battle wounds.” Jay’s heart fell. Fleta glanced at Cabot, then, seeing he was busy studying Jay’s expression when he heard this news, winked.
She was lying then. They were both being clever. Jay didn’t let relief show on his face, or he hoped he didn’t. “That’s not good.”
“Understatement of the year,” Fleta said.
“Any other questions?” Cabot said, tapping his foot.
“What do I have to find? On Earth, I mean. What are we looking for?”
“Ah yes. I knew this would come up. Remember that golden dagger gilded in jewels that you said you had seen on your world? I need that.”
“But I’ve only ever seen it used in movies,” Jay protested.
“I don’t know what a movie is, but if you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. It has got to exist.”
“Not everything you see in movies exists. Cartoons aren’t real.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, boy, but you’re going to lead me to this dagger or both you and your friend here are going to see the business end of mine.” Cabot whipped out a polished silver dagger, sharp enough to cut air. Jay's heart missed a beat.
“Alright, alright, I’ll try. We’ll find it. Put that away.” Jay tried to step away from Cabot, but he didn’t go anywhere, the gray just got thicker.
“Don’t go backwards! The world-between-worlds will think you’re a coward and won’t let you go to Earth.”
Jay stopped, and then reluctantly started forward again.
“Any other questions?”
"Why do you need that dagger?" Jay watched Cabot's hand in case he decided to threaten him again.
"Immortality." Cabot's too-bright smile froze into a cruel crescent, and his eyes seemed to be looking at something far away.
"How will it get you that?"
"That would be telling!" Cabot waggled a finger at Jay. "One last question. Then we go."
“That building, the spire, why did it break when I leaned on it?” Jay rubbed his bandaged hand. It was already feeling better, thanks to the world-between-worlds’ power.
“Haven’t you figured it out? I need you Jay. No one else can take me to what I want. I had the outside of the spire specifically tuned to you.”
“How?”
“The enchantress does the magic. I don’t know how she does it.”
Fleta spoke up, “Is this the same enchantress that scattered the sheep in the first place?”
“Perhaps, perhaps not. I’ve only ever heard of one enchantress though.”
By now, the gray was almost completely transparent. It only remained like a thin mist. Jay looked around at the surrounding area. People dressed in heavy coats rushed down sidewalks. Huge buildings line the street. Cars honked and rumbled. Jay groaned.
Chicago.
---
A/N That last word may or may not be what I actually use. I need to do some plotting to see where they need to be.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Aghh, I'm so behind, so behind... (But you finished!!! Congratulations!)
Cabot's character is really interesting. He's a bad guy alright, but he doesn't seem all that bad from looking at this chapter. Jay's able to sway him with ease by saying that he won't walk unless he gets some questions answered. If Cabot was more malicious, he would grunt a "no" and poke Jay in the back with the dagger, but he seems to value the fact that the world-between-worlds wants authenticity when it comes to things like courage. Jay is able to talk with Cabot quite freely, and Fleta too seems comfortable enough. I don't know if this is the kind of villain you want or not, but perhaps Cabot could be a little meaner.
The questions are good, though, because your readers needed that. We needed to know that the stick-paralyzing isn't permanent and that the Reyus is okay and what they are looking for on Earth.
This portal you've created is really neat! The gray mist definitely represents uncertainty and mystery, just like what must be going on in Jay's head.
I'm really excited to see how you've written their adventure on Earth. It'll be interesting to see Jay take more of a leadership role as he shows Fleta and Cabot the ins and outs of Earth. More than anything, their reactions will be humorous.
Good job! And once again, congratulations on completing the book. That's amazing
Hi there Fortis!
I am afraid this is going to be a short review because this is a short chapter and you already have so many fabulous reviews that cover anything that really needs attention. Besides, this chapter is so good I can't find much that needs attention either way!
What I loved was the description of the world-between-worlds. I think you did it brilliantly and I could really envision a place where this would be totally believable and how it would look and all. Although it is something that could possibly be expanded upon, I don't think the chapter really needs it. I think you've put just the right amount of everything in here. And I also like the brief mentions of the enchantress. She seems like she could become an important character in the future if I am not mistaken ^.^
I think it's kind of funny that what Cabot wants is likely to not exist at all seeing as it was something Jay mentioned out of a movie. Of course, Cabot can't comprehend that, which makes a lot of sense as well. I think it's cool that you remembered all this. And also, even if they did manage to find it, it's likely to simply be a prop made of some light material or something, not real jewels or gold. Although Jay does verbally mention 'oh, by the way that might not even really exist' I do feel like there could've been more there. More disbelief that all this was to go after something that might not be there. Shep and his friends had been left suspended for what? A movie prop? I feel like we could see a bit more of him there.
Okay, okay, yes I do understand that this all makes sense. But how would Cabot know so much about this anyway? I doubt he would've been able to take in all this information and just remember it? And if the enchantress did tell him all this, does he really believe it?
D: Fleta's coming along? For some reason I didn't expect that! I am sure it is just to keep Jay in line although he does have a dagger with him now and seeing as Jay is already in the portal, I doubt Cabot would need Fleta there? I wonder why he didn't just do the stick-thing with her before they left, because it would be less hassle, one less person to handle and also he only needed Jay. A little ground reasoning here would appreciated. ^^
Other than those few points, there really is nothing to say. You write wonderfully, Fortis, and this story is taking a shape of it's own. I'm pretty sure that soon enough you won't be needing any of our reviews to help you along
Looking forward to more!
Deanie x
Hi there!
I'm all caught up! Weeeeeee! *ahem* Right, onto the review...
Aaaand you totally answered my questions about the sticks from the last chapter. Why is it that every time I mention something like that it turns out being answered in the next chapter I haven't read?? I should just keep those questions to myself next time I guess. Anyways, it's good that you explained that. Now I have a better idea of what Cabot is capable of and what he's willing to use to defeat his enemies.
Another great chapter here. What I like about this one is we get all of the information that we've been wanting to know without you just coming right out and telling us. Sure, Cabot comes right out and tells us, but that's different. It's in his character to tell Jay that. Jay asked the questions and Cabot answered. It's a simple way to get information across to the readers and it works very well. Our questions are answered along with Jay's answers. It's a win-win.
So does this "world between worlds" have a name? I'm only mentioning that because I feel like it should. Without a name, it breaks the flow a bit. Every other place has a name: the cities, earth, this world Jay has been living in. Why wouldn't this world between worlds have one? It would also be a lot easier to keep up with everything if it has a name. It doesn't have to be the "real" name of course, because it seems Cabot knows next to nothing about all of this, but it should at least be something that the characters can refer to it as. Something like, The Gray Vortex. (that's really lame, don't use that xD)
Overall another great chapter here. What I really like about this novel is that it's one continuous adventure. There is rarely a time when Jay is in one place for longer than two chapters. I give you props for understanding this world you've created enough that you can explore it all like that. That takes a lot of planning and intense understanding of your world.
One last thing. As you go on, maybe mention something about the relation of time between the worlds. Is it the same on earth as it is in this new world Jay has been living in (can you believe I've forgotten what it's called??!! -_-). Or is it like Narnia where time stands still while you're gone? I feel like this will most definitely be addressed in the next chapter or so, but I felt that I should bring it up.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I can't believe Jay fell asleep on a mystical journey between words. Actually...this is Jay. Yeah, I can believe it.
Hmm. Young and healthy but crazy, or old and diseased but sane...I'm already young and crazy
So how is Fleta restrained? She can clearly speak.
his, not him. Also, memory banks? Really? You make him sound like he's a computer.
I don't think you needed Fleta's wink or Jay's thoughts about her lying. You made it too obvious. The words she uses, the way she talks, the withheld laughter and joy all make it obvious enough already. No need to treat your readers like children
Nice chapter. I know it sounds like I have a lot of criticism, but I really like it.
Timmy here!
The world between worlds was very neat, and to me, had the just perfect amount of description to add to the scene - but not too much, so much so that it would detract from it. So nicely done there. I really liked how Cabot isn't the stereotypical villain, out to kill them all and not really talk - not really show a personality or anything. He isn't stereotypical. He is in a league all to his own. I am still not completely sure what his motives are, and why he wants to go to Earth (something tells me there is more to it than merely sight-seeing), but I am sure you have thought of that and are planning for it to be released officially soon. 
So this chapter was mucho exciting, and very... fantastical, I guess?
Comma after walking, I believe. ^.^
This action didn't seem right for Cabot. He seems to be the kind of guy who is: Me suave and stuff, but when I read this, I got the picture of the trolls puffing up about the roads... and that wasn't the right picture for the setting.
Comma after you.
Comma after enchantress.
It seems silly to be handing you a tutorial on the usage of commas, but who knows? It may help you with something. That seems to be your biggest issue with punctuation/grammar - everything else is kind of in the background, and not too easy to find. So this may help you a teensy bit.
Throughout this chapter, I got to see a bit more of Cabot's plan, and what he is wanting. The jeweled dagger... a stage prop - and it's actually a dagger that could give him immortality? Like a steel fountain of youth? It is almost humorous and makes him somewhat crazy-like. xD But it gives him a motive, and makes him a more depth character. One thing I did wonder while reading this, though: Why is he being so nice to them and actually allowing them to talk and ask questions? I mean, sure he isn't like Ban or anything, out to murder all in his path, but he didn't seem like the guy that would converse like they are best buddies. I thought he would have remained a level above him - like a overlord or something, instead of talking like they were pals. I don't know. His ease of talking seemed a bit... unvillainish?
I did like his explanation of the sticks. And, of course, it was a brilliant explanation and somewhat of a description at the same time. The breaking of the sticks and the bark still holding on was just perfect. To me, it was almost like a visual of Shep holding onto his movement, as well. And that is wonderful. And how it all works. Just put them together and Voila! - working again. That was neat. One thing: How did Cabot get his hands on them, and how did he connect them up to Shep and the Trolls? And in this world-between-worlds, why did Fleta come along? I mean, she would have been a lot safer back in the other-world, and I don't really know what purpose she has by standing alongside Jay - except maybe more incentive for Jay to cooperate? All of his friends are frozen in time behind him. I think that would have been incentive enough. Perhaps it's something else, too?
Oooooooh. I look forward to seeing this with me own eyes.
Till next time!
~Darth Timmyjake
Just a few spelling mistakes.
"Cabot led them forward, and as they walked, THEY grayness seemed to get farther away,"
Replace "they" with "the".
"Cool,” said Jay, adding that to HIM memory banks. “Next question is for Fleta.”"
Replace "him" with "his"
"Jay didn’t let relief show on his face, or he hoped he didn’t. “That’s not good.”"
Put "his, between "let" and "relief."
Remember that golden dagger gilded in jewels that you said you had seen on your world? I need that.”
A brief intermission between "world?" and "I". would do wonders here. Add the small sentence "He asked quickly." Or your own variant.
"Jay tried to step away from Cabot, but he didn’t go anywhere, the gray just got thicker."
This would be better written "Jay said, tryig to step away from Cabot. He didn't move despite his steps, the grey fog only got thicker."
“Perhaps, perhaps not. I’ve only ever heard of one enchantress though.”
I'm assuming Cabot said this, but I think you would be better off STATING who said it when there are more than two people present.
"It only remained like a thin mist"
Replace "like" with "as"
People dressed in heavy coats rushed down sidewalks. Huge buildings line the street. Cars honked and rumbled. Jay groaned.
"People dressed in heavy coats rushed along sidewalk-lined streets in the shadows of enormous buildings. The patter of feet and honking of vehicles made Jay groan."
That's all the criticism I got. Like the story so far. This world-between-worlds isn't very well defined but I'm sure you'll add more detail to it later. You're writing is really good, you just need to go back over it and read the entire thing aloud to yourself. That's how I catch all of my mistakes.
I tried to read this story, but I couldn't keep from fantasizing about sizzling burgers on a grill.
ilu cow
u2 fort