~1,404 words
“Who is your mistress?” Shep asked the shade.
That is for you to discover, the voice answered.
“How will we find her?” Jay wondered.
I will lead you. Peeling away from where Jay’s shadow should be, the shade drifted in front of Shep and Jay, heading off in the way they had been going. You were going in circles, it said.
“I suspected as much,” said Shep.
Jay walked along, noticing that when he looked in the mirror, he could not see the shade. He shuddered, and tried to put the thought out of his mind. “So, what’s your name?” Jay asked, trying to break the eerie silence that had fallen over the group.
I have not a name to call my own, the shade answered, no signs of emotion breaking through its voice.
The walk continued, mirrors for every wall. After just a few twists and turns, Jay was througoughly confused. He knew that without the shade’s help, he and Shep would never have found their way to the center of the labyrinth, not to mention getting out again. The maze was much larger than Jay had imagined. The Enchantress must have made the room magically bigger, for there was no way for the whole labyrinth to fit in the potentate’s rather small—though opulent—mansion.
The shade was silent when it was not directly addressed. Shep hummed a haunting tune, and Jay tapped his fingers against his thigh, nervous about meeting the shade’s “mistress.”
After a long while, the shade led them to an iron door. I cannot pass through this door, the shade said emotionlessly. My mistress awaits within. The shade’s voice rolled through Jay’s mind, edgeless and billowing. Then, the shadowy figure seemed to dissipate into the air. It was no longer with them.
“Are all shades like that?” Jay asked Shep.
The old shepherd nodded grimly. “Pretty much.”
Jay touched the cold iron of the door. “Let’s open this then, right?”
Shep nodded again, and Jay turned the handle. The door groaned open.
Inside was furnished strangely. There was soft red velvet carpet, and darkly-wooded furniture with cushions made of the same red velvet. But the walls were made of rough stones, and set into the walls were iron rings from which dangled heavy iron shackles. The room’s light came from a high chandelier lit with a hundred dripping candles. Every now and then, a globule of wax would fall to the floor, where a circle of wax drippings had cooled. Yes, it was quite a strange room, Jay thought, but these things were commonplace compared what was kneeling in the center of the wax drippings.
It was a young girl. She was dark, and somewhat see-through, like the shade. And she was crying. The soft sobbing noise made Jay’s heart break. For a quick moment, his mind flitted to Fleta, how she had lived her life alone in the streets… Jay shook his head to clear his mind. The girl must not have heard them come in, despite the door’s groan. She didn’t look up, but continued to cry.
Jay glanced at Shep who shrugged. The pair stepped carefully closer, unsure how to approach the crying ghost girl. When they were close enough to reach out and touch her, the girl exploded upward with a sound like a wailing fox. “Don’t touch me,” she growled with a voice that sounded like six voices at once.
Jay and Shep jumped back in unison. Jay gave a wide-eyed questioning look to Shep, who mouthed “Banshee.”
“Who are you, and why do you disrupt my mourning?” screamed the banshee. The sound of her voice—or voices—was almost deafening. Her feet were floating a couple inches above the ground.
“I am Jay,” he stuttered, “and this is Shep. We were led here by a shade.”
“We are looking for a sheep,” Shep added weakly.
“And I’m looking to go home,” the banshee spat, “but we all can’t have everything we want.”
“Maybe we could help you get home?” suggested Jay.
The banshee eyed Jay. “Perhaps.”
“Where is home?” Shep asked, sitting on an ornate chaise lounge. Jay joined him.
“Death. The doors of death are closed to me, but I wish to enter them.” The banshee’s voices had lessened in number. Jay could only pick out two distinct voices. Her feet were almost touching the ground.
“Why are they closed?” asked Jay, not really understanding what she meant.
“Because there was a piece of me left behind. Someone still has claim on a part of my body. They’ve trapped me here in this… this infernal prison!” More voices shouted the last part than Jay knew how to count. The banshee flew up several feet in the air and stewed there, brooding.
“Well,” started Shep, pursing his lips, “where is this part of you being kept?”
“If only I knew,” moaned the banshee. A glob of candle wax fell right through her, landing on the carpet with a muffled tap.
“Do you know what part of you it is, then?” Shep asked.
“No,” she sighed. “All I know is that some evil witch stole it from me before I died. I haven’t been able to rest since.”
“Maybe that’s the Enchantress, Shep,” said Jay.
“Yes. It was, in all likelihood, the Enchantress who did this. She was the one who set up the mirror labyrinth, who hid the sheep. It’s her puzzle that is behind all of this.”
Jay’s ears perked up at the sound of the word “puzzle.” It reminded him of something… Yes! The brush he had picked up in the antechamber. It had to be used for something, right? Jay examined the brush, and, more specifically, the hairs twined between the teeth. But the brush was too cheaply made for this ghost girl, wasn’t it? She sure looked and acted like a princes…
The banshee was still sighing melodramatically at the ceiling, but Shep noticed Jay looking at the brush. He widened his eyes, smiled, and nodded, elbowing Jay in the ribs.
“Um… miss?” Jay started, unsure as to how to address the banshee.
“You may call me Gwendolyn,” she sniffed, speaking with just one voice, a voice Jay supposed was her original one. She began to descend from the ceiling.
“Gwendolyn, I may have something here, if you would like to look at it.”
She descended faster, in a rush to see whatever Jay had to show her. She stopped cold when she saw the brush. “That’s my grandmother’s brush,” she said bluntly. “How did you acquire my grandmother’s brush?”
“We came by it at the entrance to the mirror-maze,” Jay answered, his heart falling. If it was her grandmother’s brush, wouldn’t it be her grandmother’s hair? Did hair even count as a body part you could leave behind? Didn’t everyone leave behind hair? Jay felt hopeless as Gwendolyn floated closer to peer at the brush.
“This is it!” exclaimed the banshee with only one high voice. She sounded like a child who had just received a long-awaited gift.
Gwendolyn pulled at the dark hairs caught around the brush. Although her fingers passed right through the brush’s teeth, she could move the hair. Probably because it’s her hair, and it’s a piece of her, thought Jay.
Gwendolyn clutched the hair to her chest and looked upward at the wax-dripping chandelier, as if she was praying. “I can go home, now,” she murmured to herself.
“Wait, before you go,” said Shep, a little desperation creeping into his voice, “do you know where the sheep is?”
“Of course I do. It’s been my only friend for all the while I’ve been here.” Gwendolyn gave Shep a hard look as if he had suggested that he was going to do something bad to the sheep. “But I understand that I can’t keep it any more. So I guess I’ll get it for you.” The banshee disappeared through the wall, leaving Shep and Jay alone.
“I’ll never get used to ghosts in Trevon,” Jay said, shuddering. “Do you meet these kinds of people a lot here?”
Shep shrugged, “If you look in the right kind of places, sure. But not generally out in amongst people. Only when you’re alone and scare easily.” He chuckled.
Soon, they heard a bleat from outside the iron door. A sheep trotted in and yawned. Gwendolyn was nowhere to be seen.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
What exactly does the shade look like? I'm guessing that it looks like a shadow since it was described to have come from where Jay's shadow should've been. Oh, speaking of that, that part was a bit hard to imagine. Where exactly would Jay's shadow be when they're indoors? If you meant that it would be behind him, then he wouldn't have seen that the shade came from that spot. So since we know that the shade came from there, I'm guessing that you meant his shadow would be in front of him or somewhere in his line of vision.
I think I forgot to mention this in my last review, so I'll mention it here. I for one had no idea what a shade was. I had to look it up. Maybe you could add an explanation in here somewhere for those readers who don't know what the creature is.
You've repeated a lot throughout this chapter that the shade was speaking in Jay's head. There's really no need to keep reminding us.
I'm not exactly sure what the "that" is that Jay is referring to. The shade was being mysterious, then it led them through the labyrinth silently, and then disappeared. Is that what he's referring to? It just seemed like there was one thing that stuck out in his mind that he'd want to ask Shep if they were all like that. There doesn't seem to be anything like that though.
*The inside
The scene where they found the banshee seemed like one you'd see in a movie. You know, when the characters find a hurt animal or human an walk up super slowly. Then when they get close the thing lashes out against them. I could so see that happening here. I think that's by far my favorite scene.
The one thing I find myself enjoying over and over again while I read each chapter is how Jay and Shep always know the answers. They might not understand the answers, but they're there. Like when Jay chose the brush, it was all a complete guess and I'm pretty sure he was doubting that choice the entire time. It was exactly what they needed though. It's all so convenient, but it works.
I think I've come to accept the fact that there is going to be a lot of dialogue in this novel :3 I think I've complained enough about it so I figured I'd look at it in a different way. Are the thoughts and descriptions really all that important to this story? Not really. Of course they are, but the conversations and the companionship are just as, if not more, important. So you need that dialogue in order to show us who these characters are and what it is they deem important.
Oh dear. How are they going to get out? Gendolyn is gone and they're left in a maze that they couldn't even navigate the first time. This'll be an interesting escape.
On to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy hereeee
Not. One. Word. If you mention even one bit about me doing a review every day for the past three days, something will happen and I'll stop. So jus hold your breath and watch the magic unfold. I'll catch up as fast as you can say, um, Widdershins. Or maybe not.
So when I'm reading through the beginning sections, where the shade is leading them through the maze, I'm not seeing much. Yeah, I get that there's mirrors there, and I do see those. But there's so much more to the maze than just reflections all around. I don't have a picture of the maze much, and especialy how and where they're going. It's all a it nebulous. Perhaps as they're going through the maze with the Shade, you could give us a bit of description? Especially pay attention to the corners they turn around, because I couldn't tell the difference image-wise when they were lost and running about in circles than when they were being led by the shade.
Also, would you capitalize Shade as it's what Shep and Jay call the shade], or does it remain lower-case? Just a question/comment, because I'm not sure. xd
Didn't the shade answer that question in the previous chapter? Right when they first met her?
If you could pronounce that word for me, I'd appreciate it. My tongue keeps getting tied up. xd Typo? :p
Comma after Shep
Stewed and brooding are basically the same thing, so it reads as redundant so close to each other, and since they're describing he same thing.
I feel like things were a bit too easy for Shep and Jay in this chapter. They meet a shade, and without any trouble at all, she brings them to her mistress - and then boom, gone. I've never even seen or heard of a shade bfore, either (except in Eragon), so I wasn't sure what they looked like? I just saw a shadow that looked like a young girl. So if that's accurate, yayyy. If not, I dun know. xD But, anyway. That character came in, flashing back out of the story. She pulled them along to their journey. And then there was the girl, the banshee, who needed some help getting out of there, to death. So they gave her the hairbrush and they exchanged hair for a sheep. Such a wonderful trade right there.
So they've met two characters in the past chapter, and this nearing the climax of the story... and yet they had no difficulty with either of them. Both did just as they needed to, helped Jay and Shep along their way, like they were good friends. It seems like you need someone opposing them rather than just all this reluctant help. Perhaps someone will present themselves in the net chapter? I actually expected for Gwendolyn to not hold up her end of the deal, just since that would create some tension and make things more difficult for your characters. But she turned out to be the good girl. wut. o.0 I hope something difficult rises up against them in the next chapter, because it needs it. c: As long as your characters are in trouble, in danger, the reader will continue. Once it becomes easy for them without difficulty, the reader begins to lose interest. Keep that tension! You know what to do. ^.^
Hair becomes quite redundant towards the end. When you go through edits, try reading the piece out-loud as you go along. It helps when looking for things like that. And while it's really tough to get a synonym for "hair" and other words, there are ways to avoid referencing it so often.
WHERE IS FLETA o.o SHE'S GONE. And I miss her.
*is fave character*
*kind of likes her*
Most of the time, I'd say you have a wonderful balance of show versus tell in this book and chapter. But here, when you just told us it was bigger... me no like. I think you could go through and really make this section shine with beautiful description. Allow me to see the expanse before them, the walking on and on and on, the never-ending passages - that kind of thing. Just read through and find the sections where you tell the reader about a description that should have been shown. Remember there are more sense than sight, too. You do a wonderful job with the Banshee's voice, so you have a handle on that. c:
I feel cheated. Ths is all we get? D: We need a little bit more description on this part, as I can't see the direction or location of the sheep. Just a bit more.
As far as the pacing and writing and everything goes, this is going perfect. I think I can sense the end of the book drawing near? They have the sheep. Soooo nothing left to do but go beat the Enchantress about the head to get her to change them back, right? I'm moving onto the next chapter now. There's no stopping me. Hopefullyyyy I finish them by the end of the week, as I'm getting warmed up and hyped for reading.
See ya soon. :p
~Darth Timmyjake
Heya Widdershins!
I am so getting all caught up today. No joke
I liked the idea of having a banshee in the center of the maze! It would make sense as to why it was a shade who brought them there in the end as well. I felt like this chapter wasn't my favourite though, and I was expecting a bit more. But what I did like were Jay's emotions throughout the chapter and the way they rescued her in the end. I would hate to think what would happen if they had brought the wrong object along. A banshee would have the capability to do anything to them. It makes me wonder how many people have even tried to rescue her as well!
Well, as I already said I would be curious to know what the banshee would do if they didn't have the right object and couldn't help her in the end. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who is likely to let them go searching and then return. So maybe they should ask what has happened to anyone who has tried to help her before? Because then that way we get to see the higher stakes to the risk they are taking if something terrible has happened to those before them. Adding suspense, of course. And simply because I am curious.
As well as that, I would've liked a bit more banshee-ness from her. I mean, we got the whole she can fly thing and the voices in one. But is there anything else that makes a banshee? I am not too well informed in these creatures myself but I couldn't help wanting more from the description. I didn't get the impression she was dangerous or scary or anything like that. Or was I not meant to?
I was curious to know about when the shade pulled away from Jay's shadow. Was his there after that or were there actually no shadows in that maze after all? I wanted to know if the shadow had simply been taken from him or something like that.
Eh, in my opinion that was a bit of a boring description. I mean, we already know every wall is mirrors instead. But maybe you could tell us how high these walls go? Or maybe try and find another way to describe mirrors - it must be hard but having an almost poetic description in there could do the trick as well.
Shrugging seemed a bit emotionless when he saw the little girl there crying all on her own. I would've assumed Shep would be a bit more kind seeing as he was in a similar situation when he found Fleta and generally seems like someone who likes to help out those who are distressed. So I would consider having him shrug helplessly, or describe an expression on his face that seems more sympathetic. So he doesn't come across as emotionless.
Even though this was supposed to be the most difficult task of all, I think this - what is supposed to be the biggest and hardest part of the challenge - was still easy. Remember the one when Fleta had to jump through ring upon ring of ring? I felt like that one was even more trickier than this because there were higher stakes and well, a number of things could've gone wrong there. But this was seriously dependent on what they chose before, and all they had to do was hand it over. If they had gotten rid of the banshee and there was still something else, some other difficult challenge they had to do to find the sheep then maybe it would be hard enough. But this was too easy in my opinion :/
Another thing I am still not understanding is why the Enchantress set up this puzzle in the first place? I know you might've tried to explain it already but I either missed it or didn't understand it enough. She couldn't simply do this for fun because it has taken Shep years and would be a lot of trouble for entertainment. Or is it because she has something against the royal family and enjoys seeing a king-less country fall to ruins? I'm confused here...
Anyway, I am going on to the next chapter now! Because y'know, catching up is the best :3
Deanie x
Good imagery, nice work. I am jumping in the middle, as I found this in the green room and I haven't yet read your previous chapters, but I was able to pick up quite a bit from this snippet, and didn't feel hopelessly left out.
I like the premise that there are both shades and ghosts, and the former are attached to the latter. I have no idea if you invented that or borrowed it from somewhere else. Either way, creativity or research or just being well-read or all of the above, kudos to you for including this idea.
I see that you are referencing an earlier portion of the story with the brush. That works great and while I don't know from this snippet what is the significance of remaining body parts, the thought about the hair alerted me that there is one. All of these things work as a teaser for your book since i jumped in the middle. You also allude to a mirror maze. As a side note, it occurs to me, that this natural back-shadowing could be wielded to create foreshadowing in an edited product if the artist is willing to present the final product in an order other than how it was written.
Although, this work is fine as is, and some may disagree with me. I believe it could be better with even more description, especially before dialogue. The reason is, it would help with the ever present problem of telling the reader who is speaking without lots of trailing versions of subject followed by various forms of to-say verbs, like "Shep shrugged", "Jay said, shuddering" ... You just said they are alone, by the way, so I don't actually need all the cues to know Jay is talking to Shep and vice versa.
I'm going to try to rewrite the last few paragraphs, just to give an idea of what I mean:
Of course, you don't have to take the above, especially if it doesn't match your conception of Shep's character. It's just to give you an idea. (Apologies for any obvious errors, like use of wrong gender pronoun.) Not that I mind either way.