~1326 words
“I know where we’re going,” said Shep, turning back toward Jay and Fleta. “You’re not going to like it, m’dear.”
Fleta groaned, “where are we going this time?”
“North. To the Scattered Islands. Does everybody have everything? Yes? Let’s leave.” Shep started walking. Jay had little choice but to follow, and Fleta groaned again, but did the same.
It wasn’t long before the small town where they had stayed the night had passed beyond the horizon behind them. The only evidence of human civilization was the road that stretched endlessly in front of and behind them. Jay was glad his shoes were rather new: it seemed there was going to be a lot of walking in his future.
The group settled into a comfortable gait, walking quickly, but evenly. Jay had kept quiet so far, but he had so many questions that were piled up on the edge of his tongue that when one came out, the rest fell with it. “Why are you here, Fleta? And what are the Scattered Islands? How far will we be walking? When’s the next town?” Jay bit his tongue, embarrassed at the outburst.
Shep chuckled. “Fleta’s my friend who helps find the sheep; the islands are islands that soak up north heat; we’ll be walking just until we can’t feel our feet; in a few days is a town, its name is “Ruleep.”
“How did you two meet?”
“Ah the beach-Jay can rhyme too, can’t he?”
“Oh. No, not on purpose,” Jays’s face reddened, and he looked at the ground. The gray dirt passed beneath him with every step. There were hardly any large rocks on the road, which made travel easy. Someone had made sure that this path was well-maintained.
Fleta spoke up, her voice light but holding something back, “We met in a town and I asked if I could pet his sheep. Most people can’t see his sheep, y’know? So he was interested in me, and we became friends. He asked to travel with me, and I had nothing else worthwhile to do. It didn’t hurt that he offered to pay for a roof over my head… on the days that there were roofs up for rent, of course. There aren’t many of those on the open road.”
“No, I suppose not,” agreed Jay, still studying the path. There was silence for a few more minutes. Then Shep started to hum.
They walked all day. Sometime in the afternoon, when they passed under a rare grove of trees, Shep slowed down and peered into the small forest by the side of the road. “There’s a clearing over there,” he said, “who wants to take a break and have a little bread?”
Fleta and Shep both set down the packs they had been carrying. Shep dug around for a loaf of bread. When he found it, he broke off equal portions for all three of them. “Who wants to hear a story?” he asked jovially.
“I would love to,” said Jay.
---
Long ago, this kingdom was nothing but a small village off of the sea. The people that lived in the village didn’t know how they had gotten to be there, only that their ancestors had crossed the sea, coming from a land rife with hardships and famine. However, life in the village was hard, and sometimes it seemed like their ancestors had moved from a bad place to a worse one. The village was constantly being raided by wild beasts, milk spoiled in an hour, the ground they plowed would not produce any crops, the well had been poisoned, children were dying because of snakes, and there was never time to do anything but work and sleep.
One day, in the spring, a young man whose name was Argo, sought the source of this evil. He headed east toward the mountains. On the highest peak of the tallest mountain, he found a dragon, black as coal, with eyes as red as fire. It was so large that its body spiraled around the mountain several times, like it was holding the top in place. Argo climbed the second highest peak to speak to the dragon. When he reached the summit, Argo realized that the tail of the dragon was stuck right into the mountain.
“Hail, mighty dragon!” Ago shouted to the beast. The dragon lifted its head, it’s scales drawing in all the light.
“Yes traveler?” its voice was deep and smooth, heavy and musical. It sounded as if it spoke with the voice of the mountain itself.
“My village has fallen into great misfortune, and I am seeking the source. I am on a quest to find the source of all evil and slay it.”
With that the dragon laughed. It was the laugh of cold iron. Then it spread its great black wings with a sound like a hundred old books opening, their leather bindings cracking from years in the sun. Its wings were large enough to cover the sky from horizon to horizon. “I am he.”
“You are the source of all evil? Then I must slay you!”
The dragon laughed again. “You cannot kill me, boy. I am immortal,” with this it blew blue flame into the air. The very clouds themselves caught fire. “I am destruction and mayhem, misfortune and sorrow, evil and sin. And I feed all of this onto my canvas, the world, with my paintbrush, my tail.”
Argo felt, rather than saw, energy flowing through the mountain from the place where the dragon’s tail fed into it. The mountain next to the dragons collapsed into dust, and the dragon threw back its head and laughed again.
In that moment, Argo knew what he had to do. With the strength of a million men and gods, he leaped from his peak to the dragon’s, drew his sword, and slashed the tail of the dragon, right where it met the mountain. The dragon’s scales were woven out of shadow steel, the darkest and strongest metal in existence, but Argo’s sword had been thrice-blessed in the full moon, and thrice-cursed in the new moon. His sword cut through the dragon’s tail like a knife cuts through cheese.
The dragon screeched a cry so loud it caused earthquakes four hundred miles away. All the mountains in the surrounding area except the one on which Argo was standing crumbled down to nothing. Unwrapping itself from the mountain, the dragon took to the air, great wings outspread. It flew like a clumsy bird, like it had never flown before, except on a much larger scale. The flapping of its wings was so great that it caused tornados six hundred miles away.
It blew flames at Argo, but Argo was sheltered by the hand of the fire god, Maltus, and was carried away by the wind god, Broze. He was carried all the way back to the village, where the milk no longer spoiled no matter how long you left it out, and where the children played with the snakes because they were so friendly.
But the village did not stay like this for long. Soon, the dragon was back. He did not have as much influence without his tail, but he could still cause mayhem beyond imagining. He flies among us, causing misfortune wherever we go. Let us thank Argos, who’s pure, valiant spirit was enough to prevent a suffering even worse than now.
---
“Thank you Argos,” Jay murmured, entranced by the story.
“Now that’s a good boy,” Shep smiled, finishing the rest of his bread. “Shall we hit the road again?”
As Shep and Fleta were gathering up their bags, Jay realized that he wasn’t carrying anything. “Would you like me to carry something?” Jay offered.
Fleta smiled, “You’re still getting used to the road. I can tell you haven’t traveled much. I think you should leave the carrying to us for now. But later,” she gave Jay a significant look.
They set off again, on the forest path, keeping the sun to their left.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey, FireBird99 here for a review!
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Dragons <3. They have always been my favorite mythical creature. Them and griffins. I have this little feeling that we may meet up with this black dragon with fiery, red eyes. I can't wait to see if I'm right and meet this creature myself.
This chapter is really well written and easy to read. I like how you told us all that information in a story. It made it interesting.
I don't see any obvious mistakes and I have nothing more to say because if I said I loved it and went on about how much I love your plot (which I do) then I'd be repetitive to all my other reviews. So assume that everything I said before is still what I think now
Keep writing!
~Fire
Timmy here!
So this was another really good chapter. You have this way of telling us a lot of information, but in a way that makes us think that its not being force fed. Everything that we learn in this chapter comes in small measures, not forced upon us in a boring manner, like an essay, but in a story. That is always the best way to learn the plot of a book. Through a story rather than a narration of what happened. It seemed very well done.
One thing I noticed that seemed out of place was the conversation with Fleta, Shep and Jay. The conversation in itself wasn't out of place, but rather how it was done. Jay asked Fleta a question, and it took quite a while for her to answer, patiently waiting for Shep to do his little speel. Now with some people, I think that would be normal. Patient and a shy person, but Fleta didn't strike me as that sort of a person. She didn't seem in your face, but not afraid to answer questions--especially when they pertain to her.
I like the difference in style between your writing and the writing of the narration of the story(the medieval story). That story seemed to have quite the fantastical and medieval spin to it, a difference in style from yours that was just so special. I could still tell that it was your writing, but there was a definite style shift, and I really liked that. It gave a distinct separation from the rest of the story, and made this part its own little piece.
One thing I would have liked to see more is emotion in here. You have things that shows emotion in some ways. But saying that Jay is entranced by the story isn't the same as showing that he is entranced. They converse and talk, but I don't see much emotion. Annoyance. Anger. Confusion. It's almost like they are just drones and just say things without feeling them. No, not drones. Just people without big personalities. And your characters do have immense personalities, but I think you need to use more emotions to show it. Just a little thing.
Keep this going! I will head on.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I like the way you're writing this story. It seems very seamless as we go along. I know that time is passing and that Shep is giving Jay a lot of information, but it sure doesn't feel like that. It feels like a nice paced walk. There isn't tension, there isn't a feeling of desperation. Everyone is content with keeping their lives exactly the way they are now. Keep the pace just like this and I know you will turn out a wonderful novel
The story about Argos and the dragon was placed well within the story. It doesn't seem forced or out of place. It's there; and it's there in the right place. We have yet to find out why this story is indeed important, but that will most likely be revealed in later chapters. Another thing we learned from this story is that there are gods that the people of this world believe in. And they're real; at least in their eyes. I like that. You continue to leak bits of information so that we can build our own idea of how this world is.
Just a small thing here.
I found this a bit...creepy? Just the tone of voice I imagined Shep using makes him seem like a creepy old man who kidnapped Jay or something. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I'd suggest rewriting it to say something different. Just so it won't come across as creepy. You want the readers to trust Shep and trust that he's friends with Jay.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
This was written in a very entertaining fashion. I'll have to go back and read the previous chapters xD. OH, and I adore that Title.
Have a good review day!
"the islands are islands that soak up north heat;" - those are some interesting islands. And Ruleep is a cool name
when I hit this line, “Ah the beach-Jay can rhyme too, can’t he?” I was confused. For one I didn't know who said it, and what does Jay rhyming have anything to do with? Is that some phrase I have never heard?
"Most people can’t see his sheep, y’know?" - really? that's a beast concept!
"It was so large that its body spiraled around the mountain several times" - You just keep surprising me with cool things... *is awed*
"Then it spread its great black wings with a sound like a hundred old books opening," - But if it's so large, wouldn't it be more like an hundred thousand books?
"it blew blue flame" - hmm, that blew on blue ruins the flow.
"All the mountains in the surrounding area(comma) except the one on which Argo was standing(comma) crumbled down to nothing."
"like it had never flown before, except on a much larger scale." - you may or may not have intended for the irony of "larger scale" with dragon's having scales and all. But it made me smile
ooooh o.O heehee "But later,” she gave Jay a significant look." - *grins* what is this implying? I'm actually not sure, which is a good thing. It may not be implying squat. We shall see if something develops.
But, cool beans. This is an engaging chapter! I hope the other chapters are even better! You've got, it seems, a quality story on your hands!
Hi there! I’m Fighta. Interesting work you have here, but maybe a little uneventful. I haven’t read any previous chapters so I can’t say much about plot or what little I saw of your characters, so I’ll only be reviewing your writing style.
Your description was clear and well-worded. I only have one suggestion; near the beginning, I couldn’t clearly see where they were, and maybe this is because I haven’t read any of the previous chapters, but it would’ve helped here “The only evidence of human civilization was the road that stretched endlessly in front of and behind them” if you mentioned what was on either side of the road? Country side or forest? I couldn’t picture it because you never said. The focus was mostly on the characters interaction with each other, there wasn’t enough characters interacting with environment, even just noticing things in their surroundings.
There were also no character descriptions so I couldn’t see what they looked like, but that’s probably because this is the fifth chapter and readers should know what the characters look like by now, but even so, a little reminder here and there wouldn’t hurt.
This was kind of short and not much happened, it felt like a filler chapter, not very important or exciting. Sometimes its best to condense or remove filler scenes. There was the story about slaying a dragon, and maybe that is critical for the story later on, but if it was I think it would be done in a way that’s more intense and creates more impact. There was also some things learned about the characters and how they met, and that may be important, but it could be done in a more interesting way surrounded by interesting events…
Anyway, you have a nice style that fits gives it that old-wordy vibe, good word choice and decent pace. Good work and keep writing.
-Fighta
And this is why I hate shopping. I wanted to be first to read this.
Replace the colon with a semicolon. (I actually really liked that moment. It sounded so fortune-cookie-ish.)Anyways...
First, a few nitpicks:
This is just me, but I would get rid of 'the'. It ruins the flow a bit.
Now, this whole part could use less passive voice. I'd make it shorter and more... to the point. Like so: "The village was constantly raided by wild beasts, milk spoiled in an hour, the ground they plowed produced no crops, the well was poisoned, children died because of snakes...." It feels more natural to describe the village this way, don't you think?
And last nitpick: Why did you change Argo's name? He is 'Argo' in the story, and then Jay calls him 'Argos' afterwards... Though that might just be a typo.
Whew... now that we're done with that, it's time for characters and plot!
Now, I understand that you're still setting up the story, but really. I want to see tension. Let's find a mystery that Shep won't tell Jay about. An enemy, perhaps?
Also, Fleta's personality doesn't shine through as much as I'd like. I'm getting the slight idea that she's haughty, but not much more than that.
However... the story-within-the-story was wonderful. Now we have the added bonus of trying to figure out where Argo's story fits in with the other tales Shep has told us, and it's driving me insane! Great job with that; I can't wait to see how you piece it all together!
Well, that's it from me. Even without action, this piece certainly raises interest. Awesome job!
Ciao!
This is yet another good chapter from your engaging tale, The Wool of the Prince. I can see that you are very skilled at inner stories and poems, for there is one in nearly every chapter so far. This gives a more professional feeling towards your entire story. Nice job!
Guess what?! I figured out how to use the quote tool, so here we go... Hopefully it works!
There is nothing particularly wrong with this sentence. I'd just like to see some better word choice here. "Walking" is just blah. You could try: "Shep began to tread/amble/trek/trudge down the pathway." One of those sounds a lot better.
I love this part; some clever thinking was put into this. Shep reminds me of Dr. Suess.
I think you met "at the beach." Or, possibly, "Ah, the beach." But probably not.
When I first read this, I thought it said "Then Shep started to run." For a second, I was a little startled. Shep, running?? It may be a good idea to rephrase it. For example, you could try "Finally, Shep began humming." Then you can write a sentence or two describing the song he hummed, and Jay's feelings toward it. Jay seems to be a very easy-going and positive person so far, by the way. Try developing his character a little more- he shouldn't be so sweet and perfect, in my opinion. Just some food for thought.
This isn't in proper parallel structure. Either break this up into several sentences or fix it as a single sentence. Lets look at the first part of each section: "being raided," "milk spoiled," "the ground they plowed," "the well had been," "children were," and "there was never." The problem with this is that you have different parts of speech throughout this "listing" sentence. They all need to have the same part of speech. For example, "the squirrel ran across the lawn, it buried an acorn, and climbed over the fence," is improper. It should be altered: "the squirrel ran across the lawn, BURIED an acorn, and climbed over the fence." See how they all start with a verb? Now, yours is a big mess, since it's so big, so try breaking it down and fixing it.
Consider changing "but later" to something a little better. And a "significant" look seems a little odd to me. Only change it if you want to.
I believe that concludes all the editing.
This is a great story and I'm looking forward to seeing some action in the future. Also, describe the characters and the scenery a little more. Use additional imagery in the following chapters to give the storyline an extra punch! Thanks for writing your chapters and submitting them so quickly, too. Keep it up!!