Chapter 25
~1,064 words
Across from Jay sat a bored-looking man, mostly bald, and fairly plump. The gray plastic chair he sat in seemed almost to be an outgrowth of his gray-suited body. He squinted through his glasses at the pile of golden orbs Cabot had set on the table. He picked one up and scrutinized it, rolling it between gloved fingers. “You can’t honestly expect me to believe this is real gold,” he said, eying the beat-up clothes Jay’s party were wearing. “Or, if it is, you can’t expect me to believe you’ve come by it through any legal means.”
Cabot’s face grew cold and steely, he smiled his cruelest smile and said, “How very unprofessional of you. Run every test you can on them, they’re real gold. And I would never sink to unscrupulous means to obtain them. Why, one such as I, in such high social standing? Unthinkable.”
Jay noticed the man falter a bit, but he still looked dubious and unwilling to do business. “That’s quite right. If my father,” Jay tried hard not to trip up on that word, “were to steal any large amount of money, he’d do it in a much more fashionable method. Such as stealing a painting. He would never stoop to selling the family’s valuables except on such a rare occasion as this.”
Cabot looked blankly at Jay, who smirked back, trying to get an appropriate reaction. Cabot seemed to understand. “You will quiet yourself, boy. Don’t stick other people’s noses into my personal matters. Haven’t we gone over this? You may not speak unless I allow you to. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. I expect you to pay better attention from here on out.”
The bald man watched this unfold like he was a spectator at a tennis match. “My apologies, sir. I will have to check the authenticity of the gold, however.” He eagerly reached his gloved hand forward, but paused, inches away from the pile of orbs, and looked up at Cabot.
Waving his hand dismissively, Cabot said, “Go ahead,” then sat back in his seat, looking bored.
The bald man scooped up the pile of glimmering gold and exited the room with a “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Please make yourselves comfortable.”
When the door clicked shut, Cabot let out a small, barely perceptible sigh of relief. “I wasn’t sure how people act here, but I assumed it would be similar to how they act everywhere.”
“You did well,” Jay acknowledged. Jay surveyed the room in the brief silence that followed. The desk took up the majority of the room, commanding and bulky. The walls were beige, and there was a potted plant in the corner. A window was set into the wall opposite Jay and Cabot. From here, Jay could see the city skyline. The day was cloudy, but the sun illuminated the clouds brightly. Fleta crossed his mind, and Jay wondered how she was doing, sitting in the lobby. She hadn’t really spoken much since she had seen the size of the city. Jay hoped she would be alright.
Cabot was starting to get fidgety. He played with the ties on the cape he continued to wear. It brought him strange looks from passers-by, but he didn’t seem to care: he just pulled it tight against the cold Chicago winter. Jay was glad he was still had the winter clothes from climbing the mountain.
“Do you know how time works between Earth and your world?” Jay asked.
“The enchantress told me it was parallel, that both worlds ran at the same time. If we spend six weeks on Earth, six weeks in Trevon also pass.”
Relief flooded Jay. He had been afraid that Earth time went much faster than Trevon time, because Cabot had mentioned that the last times he had been to Earth, there was nothing but nature. “So every time you go through the portal, you get deposited in a different location, but not a different era?” Jay asked.
“That is correct.”
Jay whistled. “Then it’s lucky we ended up here. There are all sorts of places we could have landed that I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about. The ocean for example. Or some hostile country. Here I knew exactly where we were.”
“Must have been the Fates,” Cabot said, his face serious.
Jay nodded and stared out the window.
A while later, the man came back in quietly, as if he didn’t want to interrupt the conversation that wasn’t going on between Cabot and Jay. He cleared his throat and said, “This is indeed real gold. However, before we commence with the pricing, I’ll need to see some identification.”
Oh no, Jay thought. Of course Cabot doesn’t have identification. He just came here illegally via magical portal.
Cabot glanced at Jay, uncertain on how to proceed. Jay widened his eyes, panicked. “Um… we’ve been talking, you know, father to son,” Jay started, “and we’ve decided that we don’t like the looks of your business here, and we would prefer to take our gold elsewhere.” Jay stood abruptly, but Cabot was right in sync. Cabot reached out his hand, and the man shook.
“Thank you,” Cabot said.
“I presume we get some sort of certification that this gold is authentic?” Jay asked, trying to sound less presumptuous than he felt.
The man looked like providing any favors was the last thing he wanted to do, but he grunted, and handed a thick plastic bag to Cabot. Inside the bag was a little card, presumably one that vouched for the authenticity of the gold.
Cabot and Jay started to walk out of the room, but the man called after them. “What’s wrong with our business?” He was looking forlornly at the bag of golden orbs. He probably hadn’t seen that much gold walk into the building in many months, if ever. And he certainly had never seen it leave so abruptly.
Jay tried to think of some fault with the business, but he couldn’t. Finally, he gave up and, mustering all his snootiness, spat, “The view.”
“I don’t know where we can go now,” Jay said throwing his hands up in the air. He had been so certain that this plan was going to work.
“A city is a city,” Cabot said grimly. “It must have its own underground market, with people willing to trade.”
End of chapter
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Hi there Fortis!
I am going to keep this short and sweet because, as usual, there isn't too much for me to say. I loved this chapter so much! There was humor in it, and they came across realistic problems as well. I think it was great to have the person behind the desk acting the way he did, and the description his appearance was just perfect. I really think this story is progressing so much and I'm loving every minute of it. Your descriptions are by far your strong point, which is something I have been noticing a lot lately. And even though Fleta was not starring in this chapter much, you did mention her which is good, because some authors would've forgotten about her all together.
You don't need the second was in this sentence, I think it was just a typo.
After reading this I was a little bit confused as to what it meant. In a while I understood, but I do believe there is a much easier way to put this. Something like 'the man came back in quietly, as if he didn't want to break the silence.'
I can understand this, but we don't really get any mention that they have exited into the lobby or outside onto the street once again. I was a bit confused as to why Jay would say this inside of the actual shop until I realized that we were missing that transition sentence. So make sure you fit it in there!
Also, towards the end it might've been nice to see Fleta, as she is probably waiting to see how it went, and why it went wrong. They're probably going to need identification, as in passports, if they are going to get onto a flight as well as to sell that gold. I feel like that is going to be a new obstacle, and I wonder how they are going to get around this one? I hope you have something creative up your sleeve ^^
I feel like the positions have almost completely changed, and because Jay is familiar with Earth, he is now the leader other than Cabot. I know that Cabot wants this one thing, and maybe Jay has decided in this place he is harmless and can only go after what might simply be a prop. But I don't know what Jay's thoughts are of Cabot now that he knows him better, aside from the fact that he froze his friends back in Trevon. It might be nice to get hear his thoughts and newly made up opinions.
Otherwise, I don't have anything to say. This was wonderful ^^ I am looking forward to your next post!
Deanie x
"A while later, the man came back in quietly, as if he didn%u2019t want to interrupt the conversation that wasn%u2019t going on between Cabot and Jay."
This was supposed to be a bit funny. Like, he didn't want to interrupt their conversation. But they weren't having a conversaion so Jay didn't know why he did it.
"I can understand this, but we don't really get any mention that they have exited into the lobby or outside onto the street once again."
They were supposed to have been saying this in the elevator on the way down to the lobby. I'll fix that. That's why Fleta wasn't in the end.
Hey, here to review your chapter!
Love this sentence.Hmm. Why did Cabot let Fleta stay in the lobby? The girl is smart-if she ran off, she would reduce, if not completely eliminate, Cabot's leverage over Jay. When they get in that lobby, Fleta better have ran off.
The view comment does come out of left field. You should probably describe Jay looking around frantically for something, and laying his eyes on a window. Even if the view were wonderful, then we could see how he came up with his comment.
Otherwise, a very good chapter. Sorry the review is short, but there really isn't much to say.
Timmy here!
First thing I noticed when I saw this: Where on Earth is Fleta? I did see and get the part in the middle where Jay goes and recollects where she was and wonders how she was doing, but it didn't seem to do her character justice or her justice. And, one more thing: It left me wondering and blank for half a chapter, and while some things are great to leave the reader on the edge, the location of a character you expect in the scene straight away... well, I think it should be on the forefront straight off. And why did he let her go all of a sudden? The previous chapters, he was always grabbing her hair and threatening Jay by threatening Fleta, and this chapter he just lets her sit in the lobby by herself. Surely he knows what she could go and do, what her enterprising mind would go and do - find a cop, if she knew about such things, or just go and look outside for what she thought a cop looked like. Perhaps Cabot merely made a mistake, and it's gonna be boo-boo time for him, and we'll see. Just pointing it out so you can make sure you tweak or do whatever is necessary to make this part a little less strange.
That word is as lame as really. Cut it both from your sentence and your writing mind.
I get the whole part with Jay looking all shabby and stuff, but I thought Cabot was dressed in fancy clothing, with his cape and all, so maybe it would be a different sense of looking over them with strange looks because of their variety and colors of their clothing, rather than the shabbiness as much? No doubt they look weird, but I always though Cabot was dressed rather nicely.
Very confusing sentence for me, and I think the wording of it is all to blame. Perhaps you can work with it and tweak it to make it flow better. Perhaps something like: "Why would one such as I, in such high social standing, do something like that?" You can do it so much better, but that is a meager example of what I mean.
Oh, my. I love their antics and their staging, and both of their acting is so stiff and funny to read. Both of them are having trouble doing this father/son thing, and the guy is falling for it. Yet, at the same time, it isn't stiff because it all runs smoothly. It must just be the way we envision the characters that makes it seem so humorous. Oh, and you should have a comma after yes, I believe.
Since there were no skeptical thoughts running through Jay's mind at this moment, I don't think that but Cabot was... is quite the word you want, since it implies he thought something else was going to happen. Perhaps, and?
technical: instead of was looking, which is the passive voice, try for active as much as possible. So, looked.
<3 Perfect response.
So when I read this piece, I was literally laughing almost the entire way through. Their antics were too funny, and the gold dude's reaction to their game was humorous. One thing I would have liked to see more of in this chapter would be description? Not much more, because I think you managed to do some of the descriptions with just the perfect amount. Like the gold dude was done very well, I think. Just enough to give us that image, and then moving on. But like with the room and the view, there wasn't any image we could relate to when Jay spat the word. It was just, "haha, what was the view again?", because you never told us what the view was of. The city? That view? Or did it look out into a forest somewhere? What did his office look like? Just little things like that which could have been solidified in one solid sentence, or two or three if you wanted to give us a bit more. And one more question stuck with me no matter how many times I thought about it. Why did the guy give them the slip which proved the gold was authentic if he wasn't paid for it? Is it some special favor they do for people, or did he just not think about it? Whatever the case, I know you did your research, but still. Remember this: We, your readers, are dunces. We don't know about gold dudes (for lack of better name. xD) or what they charge, etc... So you have to tell us everything we would need to know.
Anywho, amazing chapter. To me, your best so far. Keep going, and pinging me for next one!
~Darth Timmyjake