~858 words
The road to Roma was blessedly uneventful. It was strange to see all six sheep together at once. Reyus looked much improved since how Jay had seen him last, and while Shep held Tart—the sheep that attacked Reyus—on a tight leash, the other sheep walked amiably enough. They had spent the night sleeping at the Enchantress’s temple ruins, and Jay’s back hurt from sleeping on hard stone. He was glad to be walking.
The morning was bright and the sky was a gentle pastel blue. There was a nip in the air as the dew warmed in the bright yellow sunlight. Jay’s feet felt the hard-packed dirt of the path, and he thought back to all the walking they had done since he had first arrived in Trevon. The road almost felt like home now. Almost.
Soon, they reached the edge of Roma, a precipice that dipped down, rolling toward the city’s center. Far off, on the other side of the valley, Jay could see where the river had sliced through the veritable mountains. Its water shone like a silver scar in the early morning sunlight.
Shep led Fleta, Jay, the trolls, and the sheep down into the deep bowl-valley of Roma, weaving around buildings and avoiding shady alleyways. Eventually, they wound up outside the library again. Shep scratched his head. “That’s right, Marc doesn’t work here anymore. He’s part of the city guard. I wonder where we’ll find him.” Shep turned around and searched the immediate area. While he was doing so, a figure loomed up behind him, twice the size of a normal man. The figure winked at Jay, who laughed. Shep turned around to Marc standing directly behind him, giving him a toothy grin.
“Fancy finding you here, Attolicus,” Marc said, raising his eyebrows. “I was just on my way out, but I think we can stop by a tavern to catch up. I have exciting news.”
“As do I,” responded Shep. “However, I think an inn would be better suited to our needs. We’ve just arrived.”
“That can be accommodated.” Marc smiled again and led them across the square, down a street and into a cozy inn. “Three rooms,” Marc bellowed at the woman behind the bar.
“Marcus!” the red-headed woman exclaimed. “Just because we’re related doesn’t mean I have to put up with your insolence!”
“Aw, Mags, you know you love me,” Marc said with a wink. “My friends here need some lodgings, would you kindly accommodate?”
The woman’s eyes softened. “I don’t give rooms out to strangers,” she said, a smile playing on her lips. “Even if they’re friends of Marc’s. What are your names, dears?” She smiled when they told her. “I’m Magwin, and now that we all know each other’s names, we can hardly be strangers.” Her voice had a musical quality to it. “Go on upstairs; your rooms are at the end of the hall.” She gave a bright white smile.
After getting settled in their rooms, Shep, Fleta, Jay, and the trolls gathered in a booth in the corner of the Inn’s front room where Marc was waiting. “Your news first,” he said to Shep.
Shep explained how they had come across the penultimate sheep in the cave Cabot had unwittingly led them to.
Marc’s face brightened. “You found your second-to-last sheep? That is the best news! You search might finally be over—I have found a probable location of your final sheep.”
Shep raised his eyebrows in surprise. “So soon? I’ve spent years searching for these sheep, and we find three of them in a matter of months?” He glanced at Jay. “You’re my newest good luck charm, boy.”
Marc laughed heartily. “It looks like your troubles might finally be over, huh? I’m glad to hear it!”
“So where is it? Where do you think the sheep might be hiding?” There was an edge of hunger in Shep’s voice.
Marc’s face fell a bit. “That’s the part you might not like as much.”
“I will do anything to get these sheep back, Marc. Out with it!” Shep’s fingers clasped the edge of the table, his knuckles white.
“I was guarding the Potentate’s estate...” his voice faltered as Shep blanched. Marc started again, “I was looking real hard for the signs you showed me that might show where a sheep was hiding, and they were all around this one door in the Potentate’s estate.”
“Not good,” Shep breathed, his eyes distant.
“What’s wrong with that?” Fleta butted in. Jay nodded, confused at Shep’s reaction.
Shep banged his fist on the table, saying, “There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing we can’t put aside and overcome.”
Despite this show of bravery, however, Jay could see that Shep was rattled by Marc’s news. “What happened?” Jay prodded gently.
Shep sighed, exasperated. “The potentate in Roma and I had a… disagreement several years back. I generally try to avoid crossing his path these days. I’m not looking forward to attempting to talk my way into his estate.” He winced.
“I could probably help you there,” Marc said, winking. “I learned a few other secrets while I was guarding the estate.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there!
One thing that is bothering me a bit is the transition between the last chapter and this one. I remember there being a mention of a demon in the last one, but we don't get any more details about it here. There wasn't really an explanation in the last chapter and I'm left a bit confused. Did the demon eat the sheep? Did she use some sort of dark magic on him? An explanation, even a short one, would really help.
I like the way you took time to really describe the surroundings here. It's nice to get a good image of where they're heading on this journey.
What is this, they're eight hundredth journey?That part really helped the pacing as well. This is an adventure novel so of course it's going to fast paced. However, you always need those "down chapters" where the pace slows and we can take a step back from the adventure for a moment.Why am I forgetting who Marc is?? I think it's coming back to me, but I still don't remember well. I think that's just because I'm not continuously reading this and only getting a chapter a week. It's different when read that way. Mixed with my forgetfulness just makes it worse xD
This seems to have come out of nowhere. Neither Shep or Jay mention Marc before this sentence. I feel like this would work better as a thought, but of course you can't do this since the story is being told from Jay's perspective. Maybe find a way to transition into it with either a question from Jay about Marc or Shep mentioning that he can't wait to see Marc. That would be the transition you'd need to make the statement fit in.
Alright! We know where the last sheep is! Well, it seems that way as of now anyway. You could totally throw a twist at us and it turns out the sheep isn't there. That would stink. Based on Shep's reaction and reasoning for not wanting to go to the potentate's estate though, I think the sheep is there. It'll just be crazy to get to it because they'll have to deal with Shep getting into the estate. Yet another challenge standing in their way. Just how I like it.
I think that's it for me. I know I've complemented you like, eight billion times already, but it's worth saying again that this novel is moving along quite well. I don't think I've come across a chapter so far that seems to bump the plot back. It just keeps moving forward and I'm super impressed by that. Also, we seem to really know the characters now, but we can still see them changing. Shep especially. I can't exactly tell you what seems different about him, but there's definitely something different. I think it's his overall demeanor.
I'm working on catching up on everything so expect a bombardment of reviews in the next week. Only eight more chapters to catch up! ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy here!
It's been, uh, only a few weeks since I reviewed a piece, so let's see how this goes. >> Hopefully everything works out okay. I may dive into some random explanation on something off topic. Just warning you.
I'm having a tough time beginning. So perhaps I'll just begin with nitpicks and hope the words begin to flow?
So my first nitpick is a simple one. While I read this piece over and over again, trying to find a place to nitpick (this is really a wonderful chapter), I noticed something about your sentences. And while it seems a small, trivial thing, it matters quite a bit to the flow and readability of your piece. So it's how you do your sentences. Most of them have like this template which repeats itself over and over and over again. This was like this - most sentences begin with this was. And while that particular kind of sentence isn't bad (I do think it's probably the most-used style of sentence), you have to write varying sentences. Break it up. Use varied sentences to maintain a flow. c:
This is one of your best chapters, though. Not many spots like that.
I don't usually like using adverbs in writing, but this one was perfect. <3 I love blessedly.
Eh, I'm trying to imagine Shep saying however, but it doesn't seem to fit him. More like a Shep with glasses and wearing a suit, and a professor and. Hm. I dunno about everyone else, but I dun think it fits. :p
Okay, the fourth paragraph? You're going through the city, Shep leading them through to the library and such. But once we get there and Shep remembers that Marcus is no longer working for the library, things become a bit too much like we're looking at an overview. Shep searched the immediate area is giving me a blank slate - no image. So I think another sentence would improve upon that part. Just create an image. Remember: even with few words, you can create a picture for us to grasp. Instead of immediate area[i], you could insert two different, more [i]precise words. Precision precision. Your style of writing is what I'd call an easy read? Shorter paragraphs, shorter descriptions, faster paced - and that's perfect. It's your style of writing, and I love it. <3 But don't skip over the chance to give your readers an image, even when skimming over places and time.
Marcus is twice the size of a normal man. And he was a librarian? O_0
Miss, I have a complaint. Do you have a slot or something? Like, I have this piece of paper and it's, like, you know, full of stuff. Yeah. Where are the trolls? I mean, yeah, I knowww where they are. They're with the rest of the group, probably in the back somewhere, making a big mess wherever they go and being, well, what they are. But you mention them so rarely, and give them such a small place in the book (even though they're there almost the entire time - as much as Shep), that I've quite forgotten their names. Godfrey? Maybe I'm confusing his name with this gosh darned classic I'm reading right now for school. Whatever the case, they're characters that shouldn't be brought as much to the forefront of the book as much as Fleta, Shep, etc..., for obvious reasons. But I feel as though they're important enough to the book that if they're there, they should say at least something in each chapter, or at least have a mention of them instead of just the trolls followed..... See what I'm talking about here? They're important. And cuddly.
Do this again and I'll have Nate paddle you. This should be two sentences. Marc started again. "I was looking real hard.... Some
idiotspeople use colons, too. But I think that's old-fashioned, and something you mostly see in the classics.This sounds as though we're coming close to the climax now. I think I'mma need a seatbelt soon, cuz this story's gonna take off even faster. Like Ky said, it sounds more like it's gonna turn into an assault rather than Shep knocking on whatshisface's front door and talking sweetly to the dude. So, yeah. *is excited* Bring on da fightin'.
Random nitpick: When doing taglines, you only only only need to have Marc said if there is nothing else attached. Here, it's basically worthless. Remove it and you have: Marc winked. It's done the same thing, but with fewer words and a tighter sentence. And the reader knows that Marc was the one speaking, as his name and actions immediately follow. c:
With the seemingly permanent addition of Marcus to their gang, there's another character to follow along and learn about. :3 He seems to have a history behind him. I mean, a guard, librarian, and knows all about these dealings with the sheep? Perhaps he and Shep have a history they have yet to unfold? I'm also a bit curious as to how old he is, as that doesn't seem to be mentioned anywhere. >< I feel cheated. HURRY UP. Or maybe I should. >> After all, I am, uh, five chapters behind. Ouch. Now I feel lazy. It's your fault.
As usual, amazing writing. The plot thickensss. I'll be on the next chapter, uh, hopefully soon. ><
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey Widdershins!
Me again!
This was a short chapter but still a valuable one. We're getting the information we need for finding out where the final sheep is, and I am sure it is going to be helpful for Shep. And then we get a bit of suspense as we learn that the general whereabouts are not going to be easily accessible or easy for them to work their way through. This was one of the shorter chapters again, so I don't have too much to say. It was a bit of filler, but not too much. Oh, and I liked the lovely descriptions at the beginning of the chapter as well! Things like that were what I meant about bring more life to story.
Awkward phrasing of this sentence here. You could either say 'Reyus looked much improved since Jay had seen him last' or 'Reyus looked much improved in comparison to when Jay had seen him last' but having the since and how together doesn't work to well.
I felt like Shep's emotions change pretty fast in this chapter. First of all he's happy enough, acting like the normal Shep. Then he's suddenly anxious and exclaiming, gripping the table, and then seemingly angry and determined, banging the table. In my opinion he went through them all a bit too fast. What I would've thought would help if you still have him gripping the table but not having him exclaiming, so his voice is deathly quiet and possibly still showing the calm he had before. And possibly have him bang the table more out of frustration than determination and anger? Because I do think calmness and going to frustration in a short amount of time is easier than anger. Just some emotion-stuff to think about. Or you could keep everything the same but add in some more time before each transition of his emotions?
Looking forward to seeing what tips and tricks Marc might have picked up on. I would like to see some more of a friendship role going on in between the two guys so it isn't all immediately a down to business kind of relationship. But that's something we can see from the next chapter, possibly!
Deanie x
Hello, Kanome here with a review.
First off... I really need to read from the VERY beginning to know what's going on with this story because I was confused the whole time while reading xD
I guess I can start off by what I like about this chapter, at least.
I personally love the character names in this. It sounds so original, which make the characters in your story very interesting c:
I also like the imagery you put in the setting, calling Roma, right?
It sounds like a nice to place to visit.
I didn't really see any grammatical errors in this piece.
I shall read this story from beginning to end!
Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more. You seem very into this novel c:
Kanome
Seriously , I lov dis kind of buk. It is encouraging me to read more. I liked this. Beautifully wrote. I would like to read more.
Guess who's back for another chapter! Not that you really need to guess. It's kind of obvious who I am.
Anyways, this chapter felt so short, and it ended quite suddenly, too. I think a better stopping point would be right around the time they begin planning their
assaultentrance upon the potentate's estate, just as Marc begins laying out the basic information. It'll make for a more exciting cliffhanger (What's the plan? We'll get to see in the next chapter~) and also feel a bit more satisfying than Marc basically going "I know something you (including the readers) don't know" and ending it there.Smug know-it-all characters can be a lot of fun, but I don't get the feeling that Marc is one of those. He seems a bit too up-front and obvious in this chapter.
With that said, I don't have much else to say about the chapter. There were a few errors scattered throughout, but I'm sure you can find those if you proofread more closely, and those little errors aside, this chapter felt pretty solid. It also got me wanting details about that sheep attack on Reyus that was alluded to, so I guess I'll be reading the earlier chapters one of these days.
Just the idea of a sheep attacking someone sounds hilarious, especially since these sheep used to be people, so I'm betting that there's some rather vicious sheepy revenge included in said scenario.
/rambles away