Chapter 29
~900 words
They pushed through the crush of the crowd, heading toward their train. They stepped with a hundred other people out into the place where the trains stood ominous, waiting for passengers. It was chilly in the darkness, lit only by feeble lights with a greenish tinge. Pillars of stone held up the low roof from which all sounds echoed and bounced, making it near-impossible to hear anything. The trains themselves looked like malevolent maze walls, or empty husks.
The Los Angeles-bound train was boarding, so William led them a ways down the track before shepherding them into a doorway lit with a cheery warm light. As Fleta stepped of the yellow-painted edge of the walkway onto the train, she looked down at the space between. She looked down to where all the gravel lay, to where she could catch a glimpse of the tracks. She made a noise that sounded like “eep” and hopped onto the bus, clutching at the metal pole set right near the open doors. She hung there for a moment, as if fearing that if she let go, she would be whisked under the train, onto those tracks, into that dark, cold space. Cabot smirked at her then, and she released her grasp on the pole, following William to find seats.
They were able to find a cluster of four seats that could be arranged to face each other. Jay let Fleta take the window seat, and William let Cabot do the same, sensing his anticipation to see just how a great machine could travel so many miles in such a short time.
It was silent for an uncomfortable stretch of time. A baby cried somewhere, and a mother trying to quiet it. Fleta’s ears perked up at the sound, but she didn’t turn around to find it. Instead, she looked out at the now-even-more-greenly-tinted view outside the windows.
Jay cleared his throat. “So what did you think of the bathrooms, you two?” he asked Fleta and Cabot.
William gave Jay a funny look, but before he could say anything, Fleta answered. “Either that is the weirdest practice I have ever heard of, or the most useful. I’m still debating.”
“I think it’s downright barbaric,” muttered Cabot.
“You mean the new hand-dryers? I don’t like them either,” said William, trying to understand what was going on.
Fleta gave him a blank look. She leaned in towards Jay and whispered, “Should we tell him?”
“I don’t know how we can continue with him being here if we don’t,” responded Jay. “What do you think?”
“I think we ought to.” Fleta straightened in her seat for a moment, before nodding and continuing to stare out the window.
“Okay, William? We have something to tell you.”
Cabot raised his head from studying his fingernails “You’re going to tell him?” he asked. “Do you think that’s wise?”
“What harm can he do?” asked Jay.
“I would very much like to know what you’re all keeping secret from me,” interjected William.
“Well William, you may notice that these two have been acting a little strange… heck, we’ve all be acting like complete wackos. Why in the world did you trust us?”
William looked a little upset. “Does it matter? Maybe I was really desperate to make a quick buck.”
“No, I refuse to believe it. No one desperate for money helps someone who came off as ‘con-artist’ as strong as we did,” said Jay.
“You want the truth? Fine. I saw a little of what I used to be in you. I used to go around, looking for ways to get rich quick.”
“But why did you decide to stay with us?”
“I thought that maybe by hanging around with you all, my creativity and passion for this company could be rekindled.” William fiddled with the arm of his chair. “And you guys looked like such a motley crew, what with Cabot’s cape and such. I figured that if anyone would be doing any rekindling around here, it would be you.”
Jay pondered this for a moment, wondering how much he should say about what they had come for. He shrugged and said, “Well, what we’re here for is to find a movie prop. Fleta and Cabot are from… a place where they don’t have hardly any modern things. They’ve never heard of using the bathroom indoors before, for example.”
“I guess that makes sense,” William said. “But I don’t know of any country like that that speaks perfect English.”
“They’re quick studies,” Jay said.
“What do you need the movie prop for?” he asked.
“Ask Cabot. He’s the one who needs it.”
William turned to Cabot, but Cabot just shook his head and said “I need it for my personal matters.”
Before Jay could wonder about what that meant, the train jerked to life, and started traveling to the grand state of New Mexico: the first stop on their couple-day trip.
Fleta watched, fascinated, as the lights blurred past the windows. Her mouth hung open, like she couldn’t believe what she saw. Even Cabot watched with wide eyes.
“We’re going so fast!” Cabot exclaimed. “How is it that it’s so smooth? How have we not been blown out through the walls?”
Jay smiled as William tried to teach a little physics to Cabot. He was starting to feel sleepy again. What is it with trains and sleep, he thought.
---
A/N: Usually I don't do an author's note but here I thought it needed. I was physically falling asleep when I wrote this (I woke up to have written "to economics" after "what harm can he do...") so there are most likely parts in this that don't make any sense at all, especially speaker dialogue tags. I didn't have much time to edit (my family's going on a little vacation) so all those mistakes are probably still in there. Sorry for the hasty chapter~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there!
I don't believe that you were writing this while falling asleep! Okay, well, I believe you, but it doesn't seem like it. It's actually written very well and I enjoyed reading it. Your descriptions are great, as always, and the writing flows well. Again, we get to see the curiosity and surprise of Cabot and Fleta being in this new world. It's always fun to see them like this. I think I'm just like Jay, laughing at them as they figure it all out xD
I did mention something in my last review about how easily William went along with them and didn't ask questions. Unfortunately, I still have the same concern. To be completely honest, I find it strange that William isn't at least a little suspicious. He seems to completely buy into the lie that Jay has told him, despite the fact that they aren't talking in that strange accent anymore. If I were him, I'd still be pretty suspicious that maybe I didn't know the whole truth. He also seems to accept that Cabot needs to steal a dagger for his own personal reasons. I was expecting to see more questions out of him.
There really isn't anything else I have to say. You are so good at story telling and you know just the right way to keep the plot moving. I'm really impressed with how well this novel is moving along!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi there Fortis!
Wow, I am very lately to getting to this, but I did have a bit of a hiatus from review. Thanks for reporting me as a good member <3 After that I felt like I needed to come out and review this, you know, to stay that good reviewer xD
Oh. I have to say I wish I had descriptions as beautiful as yours. Towering maze walls or empty husks... it just sounds so majestic and I have never thought of describing a train that way myself. On top of that, you also said you were dead tired, and if that is the case then you write amazingly even half asleep. And no, I am not jealous right now... >.> As well as that, I love how you take in things previously mentioned in past reviews and solve them in the next chapter. As a reviewer, it's always nice to know your feedback isn't being ignored, and it improves your story all the more.
I think the first 'of' was supposed to be an off.
I am not sure how I feel about the close repetition here. I feel like the beginning of the next sentence could have the same meaning but be said in a different way, so it's not something we've already seen and shows off that vocabulary you have. So how about 'Her gaze fell to where all the gravel...' or 'her eyes stared at the gravel...' and so on. If they don't fit it, I am sure you can think of other things too!
In the paragraph where that sentence came from, I noticed that we see an awful lot of the word 'she'. I can understand why, but maybe try and avoid it a bit and change the words up a bit? Use Fleta's name a little bit more or something to mix it up a bit more. That's all I have to say about that.
Okay, now this will be some feedback that is not simply a nitpick. I noticed that when they are debating amongst themselves whether or not to let William in on their secret, William is simply waiting there patiently to know whether or not he will be included. Yes, he does interject at some point but he sounds so calm! I feel like he shouldn't be. If I was in his position I would be worried that I had been conned in the end, that they were going to, don't know, kidnap or mug me in the end! I feel like he should be more worried and a bit mistrusting when he hears that there is something fishy going on with these people.
Otherwise, there really is nothing more I can say that Timmy hasn't already mentioned below. I am going to wait on your next chapter. Keep writing, because this story is just getting all the better and we can really see your writing improving!
Deanie x
Timmy here!
So I am really tired and it's early, so I may feel like you did when you wrote this. Hopefully my review can come out as good as your chapter did.
Here we go.
So this chapter just gave us a few moments after the last, where they're getting on the train and experiencing it for the first time. I thought you did a beautiful job describing the train and the sounds (and I especially love that you included sound in your description), and--
--that part describing the trains. Gah, why do you have to be so wonderful at describing? I wish you would leave me with something to nitpick. That description was the shortest of most descriptions, and while it didn't really show the color of the train and the wheels and the steel and everything (which might be useful?), I just loved the "empty husks" part and the "malevolent maze walls." It sounded almost prosish, but then not. I dunno. It's just so you.
Anywho. A few nitpicks.
They haven't told William about how they aren't from around there, and how nothing is like they pretended it was... so why would William give him the window seat for that reason?
This seemed like a strange thing for Cabot to do - not studying his fingernails. That seems so him. Why is he letting Jay do all the explaining? The Cabot I know would have rushed forward and attempted some meager explanation for everything that was foreign to William, because that just seems like something he would do. After all, Jay is still technically his prisoner, right? They aren't friends or anything, and he is just letting him take charge of the situation? Telling William all this stuff? I think he would have pushed forward and told William himself, not allowing Jay to go and "mess things up" by telling William either too much or the wrong things... or whatever. Cabot wants to remain in charge.
And what exactly was he doing right when they found him?
Something I have always wondered.... What kind of clothes does Fleta wear? I am assuming she isn't wearing the normal jeans and stuff we modern teenagers wear, and so looks strange without Cabot's cape ruffling the wind. In my opinion, if Fleta is wearing what people wore in the olden days, then she would be pulling quite the spectators watching her, because it wouldn't even be modern dresses if she was wearing them, and the pants from their world are quite different, too, I would imagine. So I think they would all be raising quite the looks from people as they passed by, and not just Cabot's cape would get the attention from people. So perhaps they look like a motel crew, what with their outlandish clothing an all? Something similar to that?
I would suggest you go and watch a single scene from a movie called Return to Cranford. There is a scene in there in which some of the town ladies go on a train for the first time. And it's a wonderful scene because of their antics, but it may also help you get a very realistic feeling for what your characters should be experiencing in this part. When I read through it, I felt as though the character's reactions were a little bit muffled and I think Cabot especially should have shown more shock at the train movement than anything, especially when it lurched forward for the first time. I don't know. Perhaps just work on it and expand and edit it as you go.
I think this chapter was done very well. I liked the entire scene and how they trusted William enough to fill him in with everything they were and such, and it also brought his character closer to us because we trust him now. Yes, this chapter was very good. Especially your descriptions. <3 And your dialogue was fine, really. Not quite as brushed up as it usually is, but a little bit of editing will fix it right up.
~Darth Timmyjake