~827 words
When Jay awoke, the train was quiet and the window was dark. Cabot was leaned up against the side of the train, his eyes closed and his chest pumping steadily up and down. William was leaning on his shoulder, a little drop of drool peeking out from his open lips. Jay glanced at Fleta who was watching the scenery pass outside the window with half-shut eyes. Everything was covered in snow, and even in the darkness of the night, the white that covered the ground and all the branches glowed brightly, sparkling like ants with cameras.
Jay nudged Fleta gently and she raised her head up to look sideways at him. “So you’re awake now,” she murmured sleepily. “Did you enjoy your nap?”
Jay nodded.
“So you and Shep went into the mountains huh? Without me. I’m glad I get to see some snow now at least,” she glanced out the window. “Shep knows I like the snow and the cold.” She sighed.
Jay remembered that he had no idea how Cabot had kidnapped her, or what had really happened to Reyus, the king-turned-sheep. “So… what happened after we left you on the Scattered Isles?”
Fleta yawned and stretched her arms. She glanced at the sleeping Cabot, and said, “well, it’s kind of a long story…”
“I want to hear it,” said Jay. “We’ve got plenty of time.”
“That we do.
“After you two left me on the island, I took care of Reyus, watching him improve. I didn’t do much other than take care of that sheep. Shep had left me more than enough money to take care of myself, so I could do anything I wanted on the island. I guess I got careless. Reyus had gotten really healthy, and most of the time, I just let him graze in a secluded grove somewhere. I began going further stretches without checking up on him, but he was always there.
“There was an old woman who lived nearby Reyus’s grove. I tried to avoid her on my trips out to see him, but she stopped me one day.
“I noticed you coming and going along this path,” she said. “People never come over here, so I wondered what you were coming to see. I followed the path and found your sheep. I wondered why you were hiding him out here in the middle of nowhere.”
“So I told her. She seemed nice enough. When I got kidnapped, I tried not to worry too much about Reyus. I figured that kind lady would check up on him. I hope she did anyway.
“But I’m getting ahead of myself.
“I was out in town, examining some stained-glass for sale. A little boy came up to me and said someone had a message for me under the bridge.
“I was curious as to who would have a message for me, so of course I went. Long story short, it was Cabot waiting there, and he forced me onto a boat.
“We sailed the boat down the river to Roma. We were going to stay there for a few days, but I saw the trolls walking around and made the mistake of waving at them. They didn’t see me, but Cabot did. He dragged me back to a boat, and we sailed down to the Icy South.
“Cabot had asked the enchantress make that huge spire. I still don’t really understand why he made it. I think he just wanted to be dramatic.” Fleta ended her story with a shrug.
“He’s not the most diligent captor, is he?” Jay asked, eying Cabot, who remained faithfully asleep.
“No. And I hope he stays that way,” said Fleta. “It’s been nice, being able to talk a bit.”
“Yeah.”
Silence fell on the train again. Someone muttered something in their sleep. Jay wondered what time it was.
“I should get some sleep too,” Fleta said, yawing again.
Jay agreed. As Fleta was falling asleep, Jay thought about home. He wondered if he should call his mother to let her know he was okay. He decided that it would just cause her unneeded worry. Jay wanted to get back to Trevon to see the sheep restored, and he didn’t want to come home until they were. He knew it was selfish to leave his mother worrying, but helping Shep wasn’t a selfish cause. There were people that needed him, and Jay was going to help. Calling his mother would probably just end up with some sort of police involvement, trying to drag Jay home. No, it was best not to let his mother know he was gone yet.
It had been two months since he had left. Maybe his family considered him a lost cause.
Jay let these thoughts collide in his head like electrons. He stared out the window until the sky started turning lighter shades of black. He knew dawn was coming, and they only had one day left on the train.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there!
Was the window actually dark or was the world outside the window dark? I understand what you're trying to say, but I feel like it would work better if you described how it looked outside the window. Otherwise I'm left imagining a train with blacked out windows :3
Yet another wonderful chapter from fortis. Like I've been saying all along, your novel flows together very well. Jay is going along on this adventure and we're there with him every step of the way. Here in this chapter we get to see how Fleta was kidnapped, something we've been wondering about for a while. Well, at least I have. So that's one question answered.
I find it interesting that Fleta was kidnapped somewhat easily. That whole story that she told Jay really explains a lot to us. Not only just about Fleta, but of Cabot too. Actually, we learn the most about Cabot. He's always been sort of a less than impressive villain. But this story about him kidnapping Fleta makes him seem quite the lame villain. All he did was force her into a boat. Woo. Great job, dude.
Now, I know that most of this chapter is about how Fleta ended up where she did, but I can't help but think that's there's a bit too much dialogue. I found myself wanting to see Jay's reactions as well as Fleta's. Maybe consider adding some more going on while Fleta's telling the story. It's nice to have her telling the story, but like I said, a bit too much dialogue.
I can't wait to read more! I wonder if Cabot will get any better as a villain. There are definitely motives he has for doing what he's doing, but so far it seems like he's just trying to figure out how to be a villain. I find myself actually laughing at him at times xD (sorry if you totally didn't want him to be humorous) I'm also interested to see if William ends up staying with them during this adventure. We shall see!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy here
So I will just go through with a few technical things because there isn't much to nitpick in this as far as plot and everything goes. You're doing great with that, I think.
Comma after Fleta
Comma after mountains
Comma after did
I will be blatantly honest with you here. This isn't Fleta. She doesn't seem, to me, anyway, to be the kind of person that would just goooo to something like this, knowing that it could quite possibly be something she didn't want any part of. I mean, seriously, Fleta. You needs to consider the facts before you just goo to a meeting like that. You don't know this boy. You don't know what is going on. And you don't know who's underneath the bridge. Yeah, it could be Shep and Jay... although would they really go and sit beneath a bridge and wait for you? Nah, they would just walk right up to you and say, "Hey, girly! How's Reyus?" and all that good stuff. So, I think you may need to brush up on that part, Fortis. Perhaps the boy was instructed to tell her that there was a sheep (insert description of Reyus here) beneath the bridge? That would probably get her moving and over there quick.
So I don't think Jay would have been thinking of home. Nope. Think about it for just a minute: He just got allll this information from Fleta about Reyus and Cabot (including the fact that they're lives are behind them, lost somewhere; they don't know where the sheep are), and he is thinking of home. Now I can see why he is thinking of home, but I would think there would be more pressing matters to attend to. His thoughts would be more centered on what Fleta had just told him, the story she had just told him. His family and his past life deserve attention, too, though. So perhaps do that after you go and do thought on the entire story Fleta gave him? To me, it was like she told him and then it was over. Nothing more to be said. End of topic. Nothing to think about. Move on. And I think this is information that Jay would run over and and over inside his head, searching for reasons for everything.
Because that is what I am doing. So he should, too. Especially concerning the old lady who had just happened to be there when Fleta was, and knew about the sheep. That was the most alarming bit of news for me. That this old lady may have possession of the sheep. Perhaps she isn't the amiable old lady Fleta thought her for? Perhaps she has not taken possession of the sheep, and isn't going to give them up? There are a lot of reasons for Jay to be worrying and thinking about Fleta's story. ^.^
Yeah, I agree with Jay. :/ Better not call the mom. Even though it's technically the right thing to do in most cases, I think he is right. It would just worsen the already bad situation and they would have a big problem on their hands. Actually, come to think about it, Jay might have to be careful. He's been gone for two months.... People have probably seen posters with his name on it and everything. Good thing he isn't going to his home town, or there would be bigger issues to deal with. I don't know about the whole lost kid thing, so I can't say if people would see his face in other cities and states or not. Probably not because there are so many kids out there lost and kidnapped? Especially at his age, people probably just think he ran off... so he's just out on his own, carefree, etc....
All in all, I think this chapter was aweeeesome. It answered a lot of questions for me, especially that of Fleta and what had been going on with her when Jay and her were separated. It really made me think, and the interaction between her and Jay was very good. Also, I found the fact that William and Cabot were both snoring... well, I found that funny. An excellent captor. Oh, yes.
Onto the next chapter! Dun forget to ping me next time. And you can remind me if I don't show up after one day. There's no excuse for laziness.
~Darth Timmyjake
Welp, since I reviewed Ch. 28 today I thought to myself, "Why not just review this one too?" But you don't care about my reasons for reviewing, you just want the review! So here it goes!
I don't mind your paragraphing except for this part. This sentence would work better at the end of the paragraph before it, instead of being all alone and sad. :'(Good things: Again, I liked your dialogue/storytelling in this case. The way each character talks gives me a better idea of his/her personality. The story that Fleta tells is really interesting, but I'm suspicious of this nice old woman she told her story to. Bad idea.
Niitpicks:
Other critiques: I noticed that in both chapters I have read you started the chapter with description. Now, I'm not sure if that is your habit or not. But if it is, I would encourage you to start a different way, maybe with dialogue or action. Also, I feel like you have paragraphs set aside for description purposes, which is fine. But it would be nice if description was also scattered throughout the chapter.
That's all there is! Happy Review Day! "The skill to write comes from writing."
Hi Fortis!
Happy review day!
It's always so good to see another chapter of this posted. And for once I am also the first person to review! Yay! I liked that we finally got to know how Fleta was kidnapped. To be honest I wasn't thinking too much about it, but now that you brought it up I've noticed that it is something worth mentioning and this is a good way to pass the time they have to endure on the train. Sometimes writing journeys like this can become boring for the reader because the author uses time jumps to skip over long train journeys of flights where nothing exciting is going to happen, but you take the time to let it build character relationships and add more colour to the plot. I really like that. And in fact, I really liked the way she was kidnapped as well. It's good to know Reyus may not be on his own back there.
There's an awful lot of leaning going on here
I also noticed that at the beginning when Fleta and Jay start talking, you begin three sentences with the word 'so'. I know that in reality people do begin a lot of sentences with those words, but here it was a bit noticeable and it might be nicer if they didn't all start the same. As well as that, when you do use it, make sure you have a comma after the 'so'. It's needed ^.^
Another thing that would've been nice to see would be to have some action break up the running dialogue. Yes, Fleta is telling us her story, but I am sure you know the saying that sometimes actions speak louder than words. And that is still the case when it comes to writing as well! The dialogue was long so it is nice to have something break it up. Have Fleta shift slightly when she reaches a part of the story she is uncomfortable with, make her sigh when she mentions the part when she was close to the trolls and possible rescue and then was swept away again. Make Jay notice the sadness in her eyes when she mentions how she is only hoping Reyus is being well looked after. Those emotions can give us more insight to her emotions throughout her kidnap and ease the reading on the eyes.
Speaking of emotions, I would've liked to see a bit more from Fleta. From how she puts it I don't get the sense of panic she might've felt when she was being kidnapped and noting that the sheep she was supposed to care about was being left behind. Did she worry about what Shep would think? Does she dislike Cabot for this, or has her thoughts slightly changed now that they have embarked on this journey together? These are just some of her thoughts I would've wanted to see a bit more of in the chapter.
You don't need the second 'had' in this sentence.
Otherwise, I don't have much to say. You're writing is still as amazing as ever, and this adventure is still as creative and adventurous as it has been from the beginning. I also liked how Jay gave thought to his mother and how he didn't want to bother her and would wait until he finished off seeing all the sheep back together. I understand his decision. Thinking about it, it might of been nice if you mentioned his mean brother as well, so we could see how that also affected his decision.
Looking forward to future chapters ^.^
Deanie x