~897 words
In the morning, the packed their bags and left. Jay was surprised to find that Marc was coming with them.
“You can’t leave your friends when they need you most, and Attolicus has been a good friend,” he rumbled. “I’d like to see his quest finished, too.”
With a final wave to Mags, they set off. The road they traveled was familiar to Jay, since they had just traveled it to get from the Enchantress’s ruins to Roma. Jay fell into step next to the trolls, who were doing their usual road inspection.
“They must ‘ave a whole team o’ road trolls on this one,” Gilfred said, examining the pathway. “There’s not so much as a bump or rock in the road. And this ‘ere’s a busy thoroughfare!”
“It’s got no class’s what it’s got,” Godfrey grumbled.
Jay listened contentedly to their chatter. It lulled his fear into a bare shadow in the back of his mind.
The truth was, he was scared. It had started the night before. So far on his journey, he had followed Shep, and done what he was told. He knew that he was never in any real danger. Or, at least that’s what he though. Jay had realized that some part of him still believed that this was all a dream. But he had to quash that idea, because this all was very real. He could get hurt, or his friends could get hurt. They could fail. Shep was unsure as to what was going to happen. This made Jay even queasier. Jay had relied on Shep’s seeming omniscience. It seemed that the old shepherd had known exactly where to go and what to do, even if he had admitted that he didn’t.
Jay was caught up in this conundrum of doubts and fears. He didn’t know what would happen at Castle Gozgarden. Shep had doubted that the Enchantress would just restore the royalty. There would probably be one final task. Jay shivered. He hoped they were up for it.
---
Soon, the province of Vonrut came into view. It looked like a gray place to live. The thin villagers peered out of windows that were no more than holes in cracking clay huts. They all had dirt on their faces and yellowed teeth. Their eyes were the hosts of hunger and desperation. Shep pulled his sheep closer, while simultaneously looking with great sympathy at the people of Vonrut. Fleta walked close next to him, pulling him closer if he wandered from the path to help anyone. Jay could hear her murmer to him, “There will be time for that later. The best thing we can do for them now is to complete our quest.” At that, Shep set his jaw and looked straight ahead, trying not to notice the poverty and misery on all sides of him.
Gilfred and Godfrey had long abandoned critiquing the roads in Vonrut. They were in such bad condition that it was almost easier to walk through the forests than on the path. Gilfred shook his head sadly when he tried to imagine what had happened to the road trolls who were supposed to be caring for the roads, while Godfrey removed a particularly troublesome branch or rock out of the way from time to time.
Soon, they approached Castle Gozgarden. Jay could tell that it had once been a great castle. However, now the buildings had become dilapidated, caving in, collapsing, and falling apart. Where the protective wall once was, piles of stones were now heaped together, some stones on top of others, some not at all. Where the various buildings outside the castle but inside the wall were, now there was nothing but what looked like firewood. Where the entrance to the castle had been, there was nothing but a crumbling hole. Jay felt a pang in his chest at seeing such a grand place reduced to pebbles and matchsticks. He felt even worse knowing that Shep had been close to the people who lived here. He knew it must have hurt him to see the place this way, and, sure enough, when Jay looked at him, a few tears were sparkling on Shep’s cheeks, hanging there like diamonds shining in the sun.
They entered Castle Gozgarden just as the liquid golden sun was beginning to set. The sky had turned a blazing orange, and all the trees behind them reached up with black hands to scratch at it. They sidestepped piles of rubble, and Jay wondered what force could have caused all this destruction. Surely it wasn’t all erosion. Jay thought back to the ease with which the Enchantress had transported them from place to place, and decided that she was the most probable reason behind the destruction. He thought back to Shep’s explanation, remembering that he had said that the Enchantress had attacked the castle because the royals had said something bad about her. Jay wondered what it was.
They wound their way through collapsed corridors and soon, they entered into an inner courtyard garden. Unruly hedges bordered the garden, and only weeds grew in the flowerbeds. In the center of the courtyard was a cracked, dry, stone fountain. On that fountain lounged the enchantress, a sly smile playing on her face.
“Welcome back, Attolicus,” she said, her voice sounding like a stream. “Gozgarden has missed you. And so have I.”
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
Now I'm left wondering if Marc knows about Shep. Hmm.
I was never under the impression that Jay was scared. He always seemed just content and accepting of what was going on. It's one thing to tell us that he was scared and another to show us he's fearful and tell us later that he's been scared for a while. We would've remembered back to all of the times that he showed that he was. There's not really much to look back on right now.
Normally this is something I would complain about, but I actually like the way you've done this. From the time they decide to leave to the time when they actually arrive is quite a while. They just keep going on and on and on until they eventually reach their destination. During that time there is so much tension building up. What will they find when they get there? Are the sheep going to be enough? Is the Enchantress actually going to hold up her side of the bargain? There is so much that needs to be resolved before this novel can be over and this is the time when all of that comes back to mind.
How could Jay tell that the castle used to be great? It's in ruins. There doesn't seem to be much left that shows anything about what the castle used to be. From the descriptions, everything is crumbling. It just seems like an odd thought. Like "Here's a bunch of fallen rocks that used to be a great waterfall". Maybe those rocks aren't even from a waterfall. It just seems strange.
Why would it be the transporting that made him think that she destroyed the castle? I'm assuming that you mean her power by that, but it doesn't read that way.
I feel like this is most definitely a transitional chapter. It's obvious that we're getting closer to the climax since they now have all of the sheep. So what more do we need than that chapter of calm before the storm? I feel like it's a bit too calm though. Everyone is super quiet as they walk. Sure the trolls were discussing the state of the road, but that's it. Wouldn't Fleta want to catch up with Jay? What about Marc and Shep? They always seem to have something to talk about, but now they're all silent.
I absolutely love the ending here with the Enchantress. Of course she'd be there waiting for them, but how she's sitting there is just perfect. Lounging on the fountain with that smile? It's so creepy and evil and just perfect. Also makes me wonder how long she's been waiting there like that :3
On to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Widdershins!
This is a fairly short chapter so please do excuse my short review! I actually don't have much to say because this was pretty flawless in itself. You already have some bonus points here for using one of my favourite words in this chapter (conundrum) and also because you had such a beautiful description of Vonrut even if it isn't necessarily a beautiful place of its own. I was wondering how bad the effects of not having a royal family to run and manage them could be, but you brought across the idea perfectly. I also liked how we got to hear out the trolls in this chapter a bit more because they do need some spotlight. Once again, I liked the way everyone had their own kind of reaction to seeing the poverty, and that they all wanted to do the best of their ability to help.
I felt like Jay should've been making some comparisons of the poor part of this world which he hasn't seen yet, to earth. I think he is from America if I am not getting my YWS novels confused, and I am assuming like Britain, you also get your fair shares of poorer neighbourhoods or dodgy areas there. If that's the case then I am sure Jay has seen them himself. If he has I think it would be nice if he could make some comparisons between the two. Perhaps he might even come to the conclusion that the two aren't so different after all even though one has a ruler or some sorts and the other doesn't. I would be curious about that moment ^^
Also, you do mention that Marc is coming with them at the beginning of the chapter, but then by the end of the chapter it's almost as if you have forgotten him. As everyone else is reacting to being in Vonrut and we get to see each and every character's reaction, we never get to see Marc's. I think maybe you forgot ^^ So my little suggestion would be to make sure he gets his little moment of spotlight as well.
Here we have a close repetition of the word 'traveled'. I feel like in the second sentence that word could easily be replaced with 'used' instead, and for the meaning of the sentence to remain the same.
Typo! *thought
Seeming and seemed are pretty similar and close together (I know, I am being nitpicky about this but it's simply because this chapter is almost perfect.) Maybe the first one could become apparent instead? Or maybe another word
Another close repetition, of the words closer and close. I think the word closer could be replaced with nearer though.
That's all I have to say! Sorry for it being so short, but hopefully I can make it up to you in the next review!
Deanie x
I will start by saying I haven't read the previous chapters, but I will definitely do that when I have a day off work.
That or its just all the 90s rpg games I played growing up talking now.
This story is really good and I hope it hasn't ended yet. I normally prefer reading stories that are half finished or already done, because of the lower amount of waiting time and non stop reading it allows. But I would hope I didn't just start on one of the last couple chapters.
The enchantress sounds like she is enjoying herself, and about to attack. A calm relaxed comfy place, calm tone, evil choice of words. "Gozgarden has missed you and so have I." Yep sounds evil and like something you say with malicious intent right before you attempt to murder them where they stand.
I really look forward to reading up on the entire story, and when I have a day off next I will definitely take time to read all the previous chapters.
Timmy hereeee
SO IT HAPPENS. They're thereee, and the enchantress is, too. heh. She sounds so cozy and nice and loveable. xD So far I actually do like her character, despite all those naughty things she may have done with the sheep. I know she had a good reason to change them into what they are now, though. So we'll find out soon? It seems as though we'll discover the reason in the next chapter - maybe. You've always been the writer to make us anticipate things, and then have some more catastrophic events fall into your characters' laps. :p
Technical: "the" seems like it should be they
For a first sentence of a chapter, it was pretty boring, too. I've seen opening sentences that rivet readers to the page, but this one just floated out there without anything special about it. So spice it up. Remembeh, first sentences make an enormous difference. Make them perfect.
Did you mean squash that idea. Personally, this reminds me too much of the horrible food, so maybe squished would be better. >>
This part, to me, wasn't enough. You told us it was a grey place to live, yesh, but this seems like a part where you would need more show. You went into some detail about how the people were skinny and dismal, but that's more a result than anything. And the condition of the roads was the one other thing you went into. Nothing else. Both of those seem like things that are more of a result than a leading factor in the greyness. There are factors that could lead to that result, such as, ah, domineering overlords, lack of food, poor care of the people, run-down homes, etc.... And I didn't see much of that in there (save for a few words of the clay huts), resulting in a not very visual scene. Perhaps you could spend a bit more time there, developing the scene as they moved through it? Not much more - just a few sentences would do. But anything to further develop it would bring it to light. c:
Hm. I've been following your novel for a while now (no kidding, Timmy lol), and I can't recall any places where you veered from third person limited save for this. It's always been tied to Jay - his thoughts, his actions, how he sees everything and others. But you went inside Gilfred's head here, so I'm not sure? Just pointing this out for you to see, just in case you are doing third person limited, so you can fix and remember it. If it's unlimited third person, which I haven't noticed yet, then fughet about what I just said. :p
This next bit you can listen to or ignore, depending on what you think. :3 So I've always thought of your writing as an easy read - something you can pick up and read through without any spots that's difficult to make it through - no long blocks of narration or anything. Where am I going with this? Your paragraph lengths towards the end of this piece get rather long - too long, if you're going with the easier read thingymajigur. They're still one idea as a whole, but they're several ideas you squeezed into one. There are many writers, and even most, where I'd say its' fine, wonderful - go with it. Break up paragraph lengths. But with you? You have a very distinct style, and I think your paragraph length has a good deal to do with it. Break up the length, sure, but I think it'd be best if you kept your paragraphs a bit shorter than the longer ones in this chapter. Especially the fourth one up from the bottom seemed extraordinarily long for you.
Just a thought.
There's basically nothing else for me to say on this chapter. While they did quite a bit during this chapter, nothing much happened (however much sense that makes). But I loved it, because it sets the scene for the upcoming events. The province they walked through was horrible, and I think that has something to do with the castle and the sheep issue? We'll see. :3 And I don't think I like the enchantress much anymore, except that she's pretty cool. xd She seems more like she's just out there for her own fun and good, not really bothering with all those poor people out there.... If she has control over such things. I'm still not sure where and how her power limits to, and what she can do. But we'll see.
Amazing writing, as usual, Kelly. c:
~Darth Timmyjake
Quash is most definitely a word. It's a good one too. I like it a lot.
I was procrastinating the actual climax with this chapter. That's why the paragraphs are so long.
I was thinking that Gilfred was imagining the fates of the other road trolls out loud. I didn't give the exact dialogue, rather, just sticking to a narrative. Is that clear, or should I change it around in the chapter to reflect that more vividly?
And starving people and poor roads sound like they would be factors that lead to a gray place to live. Similar to the houses thing. Jay doesn't know about "domineering overlords, lack of food, poor care of the people" or things like that. He's just recording what he sees. :p
I looked up the word, and yesh, I likeee it. Not having recognized it before, it looked like you had misspelled "Squash", even though that word made no sense. xD
Oh, okay. No procrastinating. Noooo. :p
When you get the imagining and thoughts from other characters, it must be vocal, though, right? Since this is third person POV, the only way the reader can know is through speech or through Jay seeing it?
If he's imagining them out loud, be sure the reader understands. That's all. c:
Hm. You have a point about "recording what he sees". That's all he can know from his walk through the province.