~943 words
“Sit down, sit down,” the Enchantress breezed, running her finger over the stone fountain’s smooth surface.
Jay glanced around, and, seeing no place to sit, gave the Enchantress what he hoped with an inquiring look. She sighed, waved her hand, and conjured up a few wooden chairs, two stumps, and a chaise longue. Confused at the strangely diverse seating options, Jay did not sit down right away, and in the end, he was left feeling awkward on the chaise longue. He tried to look indifferent to sitting, but he was secretly thankful that he was able to rest his weary feet.
There was fire in Shep’s eyes as he started. “We have the sheep. We’ve all been waiting long enough. Let’s end this whole ridiculous game.
The Enchantress tapped her lower lip, screwing her eyes up to look at the sky, as if she was really considering Shep’s proposition. “That’s right. You do have the sheep, and you have been waiting a long time, but I feel like I haven’t had enough time to find my forgiveness. One more task. Because you broke my rules.” The last part she spat.
Shep looked genuinely confused at this declaration, his eyes narrowed and his head tilted, as if he was trying to force a forgotten memory to slide out his ear. “What rules? What are you talking about?”
She sighed again, as if she had better things to be doing, and gave Shep a look of sheer exasperation. “Do you think I made you look that way,” she gestured to Shep’s whole body, “for kicks and giggles? I wanted you to work alone on your quest. Do you think I made the sheep invisible because I have a thing for the sound of bleating without a source? I wanted people to think you were crazy! And then you go ahead and make five friends!” She pounded the fountain and shrieked in outrage.
“He made many more than that, I’m sure,” Jay said, thinking of Salim. He saw Fleta nod in agreement out of the corner of her eye.
The Enchantress stomped a sandal-clad foot and stood up. “It doesn’t matter! Don’t you see? He had help, and that was against the rules.”
“These ‘rules’ of yours were never specifically written or stated anywhere,” Shep argued.
She went on as if she hadn’t heard him, “And as punishment for that, each of you will be given a trial. Because it’s partly all of your faults too!” She glared at Jay, Fleta, Marc, Gilfred, and Godfrey.
Jay was starting to see the Enchantress as more of a pouty toddler than a powerful sorceress.
“But you can’t do this!” Shep was shouting. “We had an agreement!”
A mischievous smile blossomed on the Enchantress’s lips. She waved her hand, and suddenly, here was not here at all.
Jay was lying in bed in his room back on earth. He blinked. Sitting up, he looked at his old Scooby Doo pillowcase. Everything in his room was exactly as he had left it. Even the papers on his floor were homework worksheets from the day before he had run away.
He stood up. He felt like something was going to explode or fall apart or something at any minute. Hadn’t he just been sitting in a chaise longue in front of An Enchantress? Hadn’t some sheep just been about to become royalty? Hadn’t he just spent several months in a fantasy world called Trevon? Jay shook his head.
No, he’d be dreaming. Silly really, to think he could run away and do all those brave things. Silly to think he could make friends that easily. Especially silly to think there was more to the world out there. Silly Jason. The sun was shining bright in the blue, blue sky. Jason glanced at the clock, which read 11:57 in dim red light. It must be a Saturday. Either that, or Jason had slept in past his alarm. It had been quite the night for dreaming.
Jason’s muscles complained when he stretched them to get the stiffness out. It made sense why they were so sore; he had just walked all around a country! Jason shook his head more firmly this time. No, he had not been in Trevon. The stiff muscles must be from his cross country meet.
He went outside to get the newspaper, since it didn’t look like anyone else had gotten it yet. It was strange, the house was empty. Maybe everyone was away on an activity and decided to let him sleep? He opened the newspaper on the way back inside the house. Good. No “MISSING” notice on the front page with his mugshot underneath. But of course there wasn’t. Because it was just a dream.
As Jason stepped into the mudroom and was about to remove his shoes like his mother demanded he did whenever he came inside, he realized he wasn’t wearing shoes. That was odd: he always put on shoes before going outside. He really was behaving strangely today.
Jason mechanically popped some bread into the toaster, got out some jam, a plate, and a knife, and quickly scanned the comics section. Unsure of where his family had gotten to, Jason went back to his room and switched on his handheld videogame console.
His fingers automatically clicked through all the opening screens hitting what should have been a racing game, but the icon was different this time. As the game started up, Jason felt like he was being sucked into the game, the picture growing wide around him as his body pixelated.
Oh no. It really was true.
I should have eaten a better breakfast.
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Hi there! Noelle back again.
Me too xD
What exactly would that feel like? There's that image of him being sucked into the game, but there's no explanation of how exactly it feels.
Ah, of course there would be another adventure. You can't let the story end without that final one!
It's interesting that the Enchantress feels the need to test all of Shep's friends. What do they have to do with Shep anyway since this was his task to begin with? I guess that just shows how
crazystrict the Enchantress is. If she wants something done you better get it done. Oh, what if she sent them on these last quests as an excuse to be alone with Shep??It's nice how you've been able to differentiate between Trevan and Earth, and not just by appearances and technology. The main thing that I notice is that Jay goes by Jason when he's back "home". It's subtle, but it holds so much value. It's like we're thrown into waking up from this "dream" with Jay. I like it.
That's all for day this chapter. On to the next one!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Widdershins!
Here for a mini-review if those things exist. I don't really have too much to say apart from things that have already been mentioned.
first of all, I wonder if I have ever said I liked your vocabulary choices somewhat? When I read your chapters I can know that I am learning stuff. Because even though I don't know how to pronounce chaise I will forever know what a chaise lounge is. I am also curious because the Enchantress said that she 'made' Shep the way he is for a reason. Made him? Now that seems like something we haven't discovered much about yet, so I hope it does come up in the future or is better explained there. I was a little confused about what happened at the end of the chapter, but I did like how even in his dream (?) or whatever the Enchantress did to him, there were some things that we slightly off and were giving the game around as to what the truth really was.
I feel like the venom in her voice is a little sudden. I want to have her anger be easy for me to see. She twists her emotion from thoughtful to angry in seconds. If she is supposedly looking calm and in control in general then maybe just have her eyes flash with a sudden anger, simply hinting at it when she spits those words. Or have the anger be longer lasting, building up to the toddler-like tantrum she has. Either way, I want to get that in there.
At the same time I've started to feel pretty sorry for the Enchantress. She's got no real friends, even if she has magic that can give her anything she wants at the tips of her finger tips. Maybe some people even think of her as the crazy one. So what did she do? She made other people suffer a bit and made Shep into someone who should be like her - called crazy and without friends either. But that didn't happen, and now she is upset about it, even though she is missing out on her own chance to befriend them. So maybe you could work that angle into it a bit as well? Show us that the Enchantress might be bad, but not as bad as she seems. Just a victim of other people.
Typo! *lounge. Also, I would get rid of the 'he' rid after the second comma. It just seems like it flow better that way.
You've got a pretty close repetition of the word 'something' in this sentence here. I would suggest that you just get rid of the second 'or something' because it isn't necessary and would solve the problem.
Mini-review over. I will be reading some more soon to hear what happens at the end of Jay's test...
Deanie x
actually, it's not a typo! It's spelled chaise longue. It's french. It means long couch or something.
Thanks for your review!
Well, it turns out I'm not the only person who doesn't know what a chaise lounge is.
What an excellent chapter! I have to admit, of all of the chapters that I've read of this story, this has to be the most surprising yet. I couldn't have imagined that The Enchantress, who seemed to mystical and powerful earlier, acted more like, as Jay put it, a "pouty toddler." That was quite surprising. She grew angry because of the fact that Shep had gathered at least five friends to help him along the quest, claiming he had violated a rule. However, Shep pointed out the rule was never stated or even mentioned, and that made me start to understand the true nature of The Enchantress. So she made the sheep invisible because she wanted everyone to think he was crazy? I didn't see that coming either. The reasoning behind her actions is shocking, but even more so when she says that all of Shep's friends will be punished. In the meantime, it made me crack up when she said, "Do you think I made the sheep invisible because I have a thing for the sound of bleating without a source?" Nice job adding that humorous bit to the story.
I agree with Timmy - the part of the story where Jay wakes up in bed was among the best written scenes in the story. I'm beginning to wonder, however, if that really is his house. He wakes up in his house, and shrugs off all the past events of the story as merely some kind of a dream. The lounge, the enchantress, the friends - it surprised me how easily he shoved the ideas aside when he was finally back home, instead of spending another day in the fantasy world of Trevon. You did a great job showing that aspect of the story, and displaying how one's opinions can change when they are in a familiar place once more. However, where is his family? They aren't anywhere in the house, and it's obvious that he's not going about his daily routine. After all, he forgot his shoes. I'm curious as to whether or not this is his house, and I'm curious as to what is actually happening. After all, he gets sucked right into his own video game system!
All in all, this part is wonderful. It leaves the reader on a thread, wondering what is going to happen next to Jay, and whether or not he will be alright. Well done! As a last note, you accidentally used here instead of he in the following sentence: "She waved her hand, and suddenly, here was not here at all." Other than that, I find no other grammatical errors or anything worth nitpicking. This really is wonderful - great job!
Timmy hereeee
Okay, so this chapter was rudeee. I was reading along, going oooh and aaaah, enjoying myself as I read along. Then BOOM, Jay was kinda not there anymore. Sure, the whole deal with the enchantress was irritating for Shep and the others, as well as Fleta and Jay getting a bit annoyed with the Enchantress, but when Jay, erm, Jason found himself in bed. Shocked me, it did. But it's also one of the best written scenes in the book, as well. There were a few places where I'll point out my confusion in that scene, but that's just because it's been about fifty chapters since we were at his house. Or have we ever been at his house? o_0 Hm. You know, when you're all the way finished with this book, Imma have to start over from the beginning and read through. :3
Call me ignorant, but I'm having a hard time visualizing this. I don't know what a chaise longue is. xD
Read that sentence, and maybe you can make sense of it. xd Did he have a gender change at the end of the sentence? oh dear. I think you can ditch the beginning of the sentence, and just have it as: Fleta nodded in agreement out of the corner of his eye.
Is the Enchantress throwing... a fit? o.o
I threatened you two weeks ago about this. Apparently having Nate spank you isn't enough. I'll get Snoink to join in. Two sentences. TWO. Remembeh that. xD
The transition between Jay and Jason? Perfect. I didn't stumble at all, and I understood who you were talking about. It's also wonderful since on Earth, he isn't Jay at all... but you still had to work us into that name, since we've been following him as Jay for so long. :3
While this sentence doesn't read as though it needs a comma inserted inside, the entire thing reads so clunky and run-on. Perhaps you can work it so that the sentence flows better? I have sentences like this all the time. ><
So the last part confuzzled me a bit. I'm just reading along, and then, whaaa - the video game starts, and I'm left confused. Are you meaning literally his body pixelated? o.o Like, became part of the video game? Or is it just a gamer reference that I'm totally inept at taking notice of. >< The icon was different? HOW. That last part felt like I'm dangling on the end of a rope, but not one where I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm just confused, and I dun think that's as great of a cliff-hanger as you can make it. Perhaps there are a few words and phrases in there I don't understand (as I don't even have a videogame console. xd).
Where he says he should've eaten a better breakfast? His food is still in the toaster. If you read through the sequence of actions, he put his bread into the toaster and then got out his video game console - nothing in-between.
This chapter is too perfect to do any more needless nitpicking. It may be my favorite chapter yet. Looking back at your earliest chapters, while many of them remain my favorites due to the imagery, your writing style and maturity has come a longgg ways since those days. Like, a really long ways. Your writing now flows better, has better language, more concise usage of imagery and thought and everything else, and just plain reads nicer. 55 chapters. O_0 When you get to chapter 60, you'll let me throw you a party, yes?
One teensy thing before I go. The title of your book.... We're almost finished with this book (or so it seems), and the only thing I can see that pertains to the book in the title is wool, since this is partially about sheep. But of the prince doesn't make as much sense because if you're talking about the sheep prince, we haven't seen or talked about him in so, so long, unless it's about the sheep as a whole. I'm not saying that now you need to change the title. I love it. But in future drafts, perhaps you can make the title more clear? The title needs to be able to sum up, or at least pull from the main idea in the book. Otherwise, it's just an eye-grabber without any relation to the actual story. Perhaps you know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm rambling on, too. That is probably happening. ><
I'mma close down for a while.
~Darth Timmyjake
Mwhahaha
You'll have to wait a little longer for the title. I hinted at it in this chapter but hehehe. Not yet.
Alright, you're ignorant.
Click here to rectify that
Ugh. I blame my early English teachers who told me it was okay to have two sentences for dialogue like that. In my head it's still okay. Maybe that'll just be my unique style >.>
Thanks for the review!