~1,111 words
“Cabot?” Jay prodded. The man looked up and groaned.
“Not you again. I thought I’d been rid of you. Now my guilt is eating at me again.” He started to stand up.
“Do you know where we are?” Jay asked, wondering if Cabot had any idea that the Enchantress was behind their sudden transportation. He still didn’t trust Cabot, even after he had apologized. His mind kept flashing back to the way he had smashed in William’s skull with that brick.
“No. One minute I was helping Salim with the stew, and the next, I was lying flat on my back up here. Is this the afterlife? Maybe I had some sort of heart trouble.” He looked around and stretched his back. “Do you know where we are?”
“I’m pretty sure the Enchantress put me here to give me some kind of test. I don’t know why you’re here though.” Jay shrugged. “I think we have to keep moving onward, though. There’s got to be a way to get out of here.”
Cabot nodded and looked out across the wide, white expanse. “Do you think there’s anything out there?” He rubbed at his shoulder where the locket had been embedded.
“There’s only one way to find out,” Jay responded.
---
It seemed like they had been walking forever. The ground was perfectly smooth, and Jay couldn’t see anything in any direction except for the white ground and the white sky, offset just a little by a grayish horizon. It felt like Jay wasn’t moving anywhere, like he was in the World-Between-Worlds. Then again, he thought, Maybe I am.
Cabot asked Jay how he, Shep, and Fleta were doing in the sheep hunt. Jay told him they had found all of them, and Cabot was duly impressed. In turn, Cabot related how he had landed a job with Salim, working at the inn. They ended up reminiscing about their times on Earth.
“I’d love Earth,” Cabot was saying, “If it weren’t for all those machines and customs I know nothing about. But the technology there is so useful. Especially electric light.”
Jay couldn’t help but laugh, thinking of how enamored Fleta was with Earth. “We sure had a heck of a time. It might have been an almost enjoyable trip if it weren’t for the whole evil thing, right?” Jay gave a forced laugh.
Cabot blanched. “About that… Listen, Jay. I wish I hadn’t done it but I did do it and I can’t change that. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t worth that much to Jay, but what else could he do? Cabot was the only one he had met in this strange video game world. “Fine,” he said. And the ground cracked beneath him.
“What was that?” asked Cabot. He turned around and looked at the ground. Behind them, cracks spider-webbed into the distance where, the ground they had walked on had seemingly fallen away into a void of darkness. The ground was continuing to fall way at the cracked fault lines. Jay and Cabot stared at each other, bug-eyed. They started to run.
They continued in silent, panicked running until something deep and dark marred the horizon. They ran even faster towards it, hoping it harbored a means of escape.
Soon, they were approaching a gorge, scored deep into the white ground. Shadows crept up the walls of the chasm, howling like the banshee. Jay shivered. Nothingness was encroaching from behind: slowly, but steadily. On the ground was a rope.
“How are we going to get across?” asked Jay. The far side of the gorge wasn’t that far away, but the rope wasn’t securely fastened to anything.
Cabot picked up the rope, running it through his hands, testing its strength. “If I can get this rope up to that metal ring,” he pointed to a hanging metal ring Jay hadn’t noticed, suspended in the air, attached to nothing, “then we should be able to cross.”
Jay groaned. “Not more lassoing. I had my fill of that back on Earth when we tried to get the dagger down from that pile of stuff in the studio.”
“There’s no other way,” Cabot said, pulling at the rope’s end. He tossed it, and his aim was straight and true. It was a miracle. Or maybe it was just like a video game. After all, when does lassoing ever not work in a video game?
Cabot started tying an elaborate knot in the rope. It zoomed up to the ring, and shortened one side of the rope while elongating the other. When the knot was tight, Cabot tugged on the rope, and smiled. A crack sounded behind them. Jay broke out into a cold sweat.
“Where did you learn to do that?” asked Jay.
“I was a sailor for quite some time, you remember,” Cabot said. He flashed the too-bright grin that had been the first thing Jay had noticed about the man, after his cape of course.
“Of course.”
“Do you want to go first or second,” Cabot asked. “Keep in mind that you have to be able to pass the rope back proficiently if you go first.”
Jay’s mind raced. Would Cabot just leave him stranded on the breaking ground if he went first? But then again, if Jay went first, Cabot could have made the knot specifically so it would drop him into the pit of shadows. Maybe he was hoping he would go first. That knot looked pretty weak. But why would Cabot even bother to save Jay, after he got to the other side safely?
Feeling like every option was wrong, he finally decided he had to trust Cabot. “You go first,” he said. “I don’t think I can pass the rope back well enough.”
Cabot lashed the rope around himself, and showed Jay how to tie a quick knot that would hold him to the rope. Then, he took the rope in hand and swung. The knot held true.
Behind him, Jay could feel the ground crumbling. When Cabot was safely to the other side and untying the rope from around his waist, Jay called, “Hurry, hurry!”
With a calculated drawback, Cabot passed the rope’s end smoothly back to Jay, who was able to catch hold of it with just a little bit of fumbling. Feeling the ground he was standing on break away, Jay stepped off, not bothering to tie the rope around his waist, clinging for his life with all his grip strength. He felt the strong arms of Cabot encircle him, and lower him, shaking, to the floor.
“That was close,” Jay muttered, and the world around him dissolved into darkness.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,878 Reviews
Hi there! Me again.
I'm so close to catching up!
Jay is laughing twice here, once at the beginning and the once at the end. The one at the end doesn't really seem to fit. He's obviously either poking fun or making a jab, neither one really deserving of a forced laugh.
The apology from Cabot was a bit odd. Didn't he already apologize? Why would he feel the need to do it again? Unless he didn't actually apologize the first time and I'm just forgetting things...
I was confused at this part because I thought it meant that the ground actually cracked and they fell through. Then I read on and realized it was only small cracks. A better way to write this, I think, is to say that the ground moved or a small crack appeared close to them. Something that explains the ground is cracking now and isn't finished cracking.
More action! Yay! You really had me going there for a moment when Jay decided to let Cabot go first. I was sure that Cabot was going to turn on him again and refuse to pass the rope back. Luckily that wasn't the case. That really made me think differently about Cabot. If he can change that quickly, maybe he wasn't much of a bad guy to begin with. Sure he was a puppet in the Enchantress's plans, but there had to be a part of him that wanted to do it, yes? Therefore he had evil inside of him. Maybe it was just a phase.
Well, Jay got out of one problem, now onto the next! They're still not out of the video game world and it seems like it'll still be a struggle to get there. It should be interesting to see what else the Enchantress put into this little test.
I've seen Jay grow so much as a character throughout this novel. It's most apparent in this chapter I think. He's become a stronger person, no longer scared and timid like when he first arrived. He doesn't question anything, he just does it. I see him as more mature than he ever was before. It's great to see your characters changing because, well, they're supposed to by this point :3 You've done a great job with that.
On to the next chapter! I'm hoping I can get all of these done by the end of Review Day, but my time is running a bit short. I shall try my hardest. And I hope these reviews are actually helpful. I really have to dig to find something to talk about because I love this novel so much.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Heya
It's about time I got back to these chapters and started reviewing them as well. Seeing as Timmy has been beating me and he isn't even supposed to be completely active xD I'm feeling pretty shamed here!
I remember discussing this chapter but in fact you made it better than I had envisioned it to be. I liked the internal debate Jay had about Cabot being trustworthy or not and the way he ran through all the possibilities in his mind. You also get to see some of the forgiveness in action as they are walking together and searching for a possible exit before they know what they need to do. If I think about it, this chapter actually opens a very nice moral about giving people a second chance and learning to trust no matter what the people have done to you in the past. I like being able to read that into this.
When it came to the story, I guess what I mostly wanted to see was some more of Jay's thoughts. While they are walking along and talking to each other like decent people I wanted to know what he was thinking. Although he just said he was not going to forgive this person, he must have realised by now that the person isn't actually as bad as he previously thought, and maybe has understood that Cabot is just a man who might have had some twisted ideas fed into his mind and acted upon them. I think he would have some kind of revelation here - not a huge one, but a minor one seeing as after the time they walk together he has gotten a different impression of the person he paints as the bad person.
Another thing I noticed is that even when Cabot apologies for what he has done, he never quite says he wishes he could go back and undo it. I feel like the pressing question that i would've wanted an answer to at that moment was whether or not Cabot would have done something differently if he had the chance to. Because when it comes to apologies, that is the thing which matters the most. So maybe Jay could question him on that. Especially as he is originally thinking that simply saying sorry isn't enough because it doesn't undo any of the things that have happened. But maybe the answer to the question would settle him a bit more.
The last point I have to mention is Jay's thoughts as he is flying through the air on the rope. That scene seems to flash by pretty quickly and I would not have minded seeing what he was thinking in those seconds. You could even play around with the wording and the full stops to make it all the more interesting. I wanted to see his skeptical attitude as he pushes off but the realisation of not having a choice and then him also wondering if he is going to fall or simply swing back when he reaches the other end - all before Cabot catches him and helps him onto the gorge anyway, proving himself. I would've liked that and think it would be a great addition to the story.
I know it's a lot about thoughts - but if written right they can add so much more to the story.
Nitpick time!
It might just be me but I think there are so many small words in this sentence just waiting for a reader to stumble over. It was particularly the 'but I did do it and I'. I am not sure how you could work around it but it you have ideas you could use them. A small way to improve it could be to get rid of the 'do it' after did as well. But that's the extent of the advice I can give here!
This should either be I'd be or I'd gotten. Depending on if you want past or present tense, but it shouldn't be been.
This is not a nitpick but more so me wanting to have a mention of Jay's running talents here. Maybe mention that even though he is panic running that he is making sure he has even breaths and is running at a rhythm so that if needed (they don't know how long they will have to be running for) he would be able to keep it up. Maybe mention that Cabot is having a harder time, as I imagine he would be. I simply remember Jay being a runner and I think it's good to remind the reader of this now and again.
The 'far' side and the gorge wasn't that far away repeat one word a bit too much for my liking. Maybe you should rephrase this to say something like 'the distance from the far side of the gorge wasn't that large.'
This is a question so it should end in a question mark instead of a comma!
Sorry for taking so long - I hope to get to the next chapter soon!
Deanie x
Timmy hereeeee
I read this chapter a while ago when you first posted, but now I'm coming back to it to give you a review. :3 Sorry for always being late. Partly laziness, partly busy. I do see that your problems were all resolved, AND you came up with something even when both of our minds were blank then. So proud. <3 You always doubt yourself and scramble at the last minute, but always come up with something amazing at the end of the day. c:
I've decided in this chapter, instead of going through and pointing out big errors, I shall run through and grab the little things - redundant parts throughout that you could work on in future chapters, words and phrases you use that could be strengthened, etc. We'll see how I do.
Okay okay okay, so this is something I just began cutting out of my writing, thanks to a blog I read a few months back - a friend's blog, where she invited a writer to do a survey, blah blah. Not important. The started to is weak, and you could do much better than that. Also remember, that makes it a sequence of actions. If they start to stand... where is the finishing? Just he stood, if you're going to do simple actions, works better, is stronger and tighter writing.
I thought this was kind of meh. You do this occasionally - go through a period where you tell us about what's happening, all telling and no show. Aaaaand then right after that, you go through and show us the same thing. Especially when you do such an amazing job showing us what's going on (such as that brilliant conversation between Jay and Cabot), there's no need to go through that, really. I wouldn't mind it as much save for it seems to pull us away from the characters when you do that - what I would call like an bird's-eye view. Instead, pull us into the character so we're seeing it as them. Most of the time, I'd say you have a personal narration of the story, especially when Jay is deep in thought (those parts <333), but sometimes you veer off into a disconnected narration. I'd compare it to LOTR kind of narration, almost. Which would be fine, save for it doesn't fit with the main part of the book. If the narration is in Jay's head, it should stay there.
I'm not going to go much into this at all, but redundancy. And you know what I'm going to say? Heh, surprising myself here. I'm part of a writer's group, and the biggest author there is just now starting on a new novel. She's on her first drafts and all that, like you, and I realized something that's in her novel when she writes. Redundancy - all over the place. And when she was asked about it, she said why does it matter? first draft. So when I thought about it, I decided to not nitpick redundancy anymore. Because this is a first draft, and your one and only goal should be to get the story down on paper - all else comes in second, third, etc. drafts. So redundancy? Psssh, don't worry about it. If you're concerned because of readers seeing that, um, I suppose you could go through the effort. But at this stage of your book, I think it will only keep the words from flowing.
See, I just said Timmy was wrong. D: Miracles happen every day.
You do this a bit. Remember what the goal of a tagline is - to inform the reader that a particular character is speaking. Done. It. Complete. Tadaaa. So when you have an action/thought sequence immediately before, you don't need the tagline at all. If you remove it, then it'll strengthen your writing. So, instead: Jay finally decided he had to trust...., etc. And then the dialogue.
Use could feel and I punish.
Remember: felt - stick to active voice as much as possible.
The last few paragraphs seemed a little difficult to follow, mostly because the actions were somewhat vague as I went through, and also because you were zooming through that section. I think if you spent some time working on that part, and even extending it a bit, the scene would be helped quite a bit. As it stands, I liked it a lot, but you can do better. I'VE SEEN. I KNOW. You did do wonderfully though, building the scene progressively as you went through the chapter, building the image and giving more clarity to it as I read along. And how Jay had to trust Cabot? Perfeeect. I loved that, and gives more depth to both characters, but mostly Cabot. I don't know if they'll ever be friends, but this should help Jay trust Cabot more? Makes him a better person in his eyes. He did just save his life, after all. xD
I just now noticed something.... Jay is his name in this chapter - last chapter, Jason. Did I miss something? >>
Hey, Anna Rae here for a review!
haha. There's not a whole lot of imagery though, so I suggest adding a little description on the surroundings and maybe adding some internal thoughts that Cabot and Jay are thinking/feeling.
and if I do ever have a lazy day in the near future, I will happily read more of this for you, because it was an enjoyable read!
Now, first thing's first. I haven't read any of the previous chapters so I deeply apologize if I interpret something wrong, or don't understand something, or completely butcher someone's name, but I promise to try my best
So the beginning section has me thinking that something actiony and exciting just happened, and he smashed in someone's skull? Wow, I might have to go back and read about that
But hen in the second section of the chapter, you really bring full force with the description, and it was really good! It definitely added something to the chapter
"Cabot asked Jay how he, Shep, and Fleta were doing in the sheep hunt. Jay told him they had found all of them, and Cabot was duly impressed. In turn, Cabot related how he had landed a job with Salim, working at the inn. They ended up reminiscing about their times on Earth."
^^whoa, okay. I don't know if it's just because I haven't read the previous chapters, but this was really hard to understand. There were so many names and so many events smashed into a couple small sentences. Maybe split that up a little to make it easier to understand
And on a side note: AHHH THE WORD CHOICE IN THIS CHAPTER IS FABULOUS XD just thought you should know
And wow, the end was actually kinda touching. I can tell that Jay doesn't fully trust Cabot yet but it was really cool to see how he resolved all of his internal conflict and finally trusted Cabot to go first. Nice characterization there, and awesome cliffhanger at the end!
If I had time, I would totally go back and start from the beginning of this story. You seem very committed to it judging by the ammount of chapters
Keep writing
-Anna Rae