Chapter 6
Words: ~927
They walked until the any memory of the sun had dissipated, and the warmth of it was leeched out of their bones. Just when Jay felt like he couldn’t walk another step, Shep shuffled them into an abandoned barn. The walls looked like they might house termites, and there wasn’t a sound roof to speak of, but Shep poked his nose around a few places and said, “It’ll do.”
The sheep had already fallen asleep by the time Jay was situated on one of Shep’s woolen blankets. It was difficult to fall asleep on a hard floor, but Jay had had a hard day of walking. He soon fell asleep.
He woke up stiff, cold, and wet the next morning. It was raining, and the roof wasn’t doing anything to keep it off, because it was, unfortunately, missing in action. Jay got up, his joints groaning in protest, and stood beneath the hayloft, in one of the horse stables. He tried to dry himself off a bit with a blanket, but the blankets were wet too. Jay was miserable. This was not much better then what he had went through back at home. He had had no friends there though, and here, Shep and Fleta seemed to like him pretty well. Jay shivered. It still wasn’t very pleasant to sleep in the rain.
Jay looked back to where they had spent the night, but couldn’t see Shep or Fleta anywhere. “Shep?” Jay called out. He whispered at first, but realized that wouldn’t be the best way to call someone who was clearly not in the room. “Shep? Fleta?” He shouted.
A hay-strewn head popped up two horse stalls to his right. It was Shep. “Shh! Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“No…”
“Well neither do I, but some of us are trying to sleep.” There was a moan of agreement from the left, which Jay assumed was Fleta. Jay sank back to the ground of the horse stall which was covered in mildewing hay. But the hay made the floor softer, and he was able to fall asleep again.
Jay awoke to screaming. He shot up off the floor to see who had died. Instead, he saw Shep and Fleta laughing at him. “You should’ve seen your face,” Fleta choked out between her giggles. Jay felt his face turning red.
Shep was able to curb his laughter. “Sorry Jay, but good morning! Sleep well?”
Jay groaned. These two were like children at a slumber party. “No, thank you.”
“I didn’t either!” Shep broke down into laughter again.
“Well it’s good to see you’re all very cheery this morning,” muttered Jay, who was feeling quite the opposite.
After a while, Shep and Fleta were able to control themselves, and Shep brought out some bread and cheese. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!” said Shep.
“We say that back where I’m from too,” Jay said, cutting himself some of the food. He hadn’t realized it, but he was ravenous.
“Then it must be doubly true!” exclaimed Shep.
They hit the road again, filled and mostly dry. It was another hard day of walking. The scenery gradually changed from open fields to forests with streams running through them. Jay again marveled at the quality of the road. Whenever they had to cross a river or stream, no matter how small or large it was, there was always a bridge in good repair. Shep sang a song when they crossed a bridge; he said it was good luck.
Twenty bridges have I crossed today,
twenty more stretch along my way.
Cross their plankings two by two,
hope that you don’t fall right through.
Cross the stone bridges so humble,
hope that they don’t start to crumble.
Arching o’re the river wide,
beautiful at evening-tide.
Forty bridges I've crossed today,
Forty more stretch along my way.
The song’s lilting tune struck something in Jay’s heart, making him feel a bit sentimental. These woods reminded him of the ones in his backyard at home, where his brother frequently taught him “lessons” on how to fight. Basically, he would just be beaten up by his brother who was much larger then Jay. Jay didn’t miss his brother, but he did miss the woods, which were a kind of refuge to him. However, the trunks of the trees in this forest were black, the color of charcoal, and the trees at home were a honey-hued brown.
They walked onward. Fleta’s walk was smooth and confident. Shep walked with his shepherd’s cane, and that added a certain three-leggedness about his gait. The sheep walked like… well, sheep. And Jay just kept up as well as he could. They walked as far as their legs could carry them again. That night they slept under the stars, and it didn’t rain. Jay couldn’t recognize any of the constellations in the sky, but they felt nearer and more numerous that the stars at home.
In the morning, Jay was not awoken by screaming. He was very thankful for that. He was awakened by soft conversation between Shep and Fleta. They ate breakfast and set off again.
“Is this how it’s going to be forever?” Jay asked. He was getting a little bored with the endless walking.
“Of course not. It just takes a while to cross a country. We’ll actually be heading into Mystor today,” Shep answered, “that’s our closest trading partner. It borders Trevon on the East side. There we should be able to obtain a faster mode of transportation.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Timmy here!
Yuss... I know. I am a terrible reviewer. I missed a day... But I am here now! Review requests kept me away from this wonderful piece, but I am here now! I shall review this piece with renewed resolve.
They walked until THE any memory, or they walked until any memory?
This part was so funny, especially since you wrote it in such a serious tone. I mean, this place is a serious dump and shouldn't qualify as a building, but here is Shep saying, "It'll do", like its a good building that suits its purpose. Erm, Shep? That is a ruin, not a building. The part where you said it housed termites was an amazing visual, and I could imagine them swarming all over Jay. Very gross. xD
That was perfect. <3
This sentence confused me. Did he awake to screaming, or did he scream as he woke up? Which one?
I thought the song was a very nice touch to this piece. Not only does it truly make your book much deeper and show the committement you put in it, (and that everyone loves books with songs--Lord of the Rings), but it shows the character and their environment. There is no Michael Jackson where these people live.
Honestly, there isn't much more I can nitpick. I love the relation that Jay has with the other two. I can see that Shep is almost like a father in some ways, and like a grandfather in others. He seems to understand a lot of how Jay things and acts, and sympathizes with him as well. Fleta seems like a sister to me--all fun and being fun with him, teasing him and everything, but I wonder if their relationship might stem off into other directions in the future.
Only time will tell! I am off to another chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey Fortis!
First off, I have to say I really enjoyed this at the beginning. It was interesting to see Jay just wanted to run away from his old life and then just randomly ending up here, with Ship and Fleta. We don't exactly have a reason yet, but I hope we get to see one in future chapters. Now they're walking on this trip, and as Noelle already mentioned journeys like this can be difficult because unless you keep every chapter interesting it can quickly become boring. So far I am content - we're getting to see character relatioships build, hear a bit of history when it comes to the place where they are with the story or Argos and the dragon. Among seeing a bit more of Fleta and Shep's charater.
). This could be the clues Shep is running off as well.
But those are just some things to think about! I hope this helps and I am going to keep reading the other chapters now 
)
I have read all the chapters so that I actually know what is going on, but I thought it was time I read more of your stuff, and I'm better at reviewing novels that poetry
I feel like I know Shep and Jay pretty well from what we've seen so far, but I feel like I don't know Fleta that well yet. I still see her as the friend of Shep who is really kind hearted, but not exactly her own person yet. Maybe she could walk and talk with Jay for a bit, saying something significant in the journey that makes her a bit more unique as a character because it's something more personal. I don't know what, a bit of her history maybe? But it would be nice to see more of her and get a better sense of understanding of what she is all about.
One thing I saw before in the previous chapters that was never explained, was the mysterious powder that Shep shoved into Jay's face so he could see. I would very much like an explanation as to how it works! Bringing in new things/information is good and pretty nice to read, but don't forget to explain! I am also wondering why Shep never used it on the other people who kept teasing him because he couldn't see the sheep. Or you could give a reason as to how he thought they weren't worth it, and was/is saving the powder for people worth it. How did he get the powder anyway?
Another thing I am wondering about is, how did Shep stumble across his first sheep and know it was from that tale he told? Did he directly go out of the way to find the sheep, or did he stumble across one and then put enough together to figure out where it came from? (I am now going to plague you with a lot of questions.) What clues is he running off to find these sheep as well? It would be cool if they were hidden in places to do with their royal personalities before they were sheep. For example, if the Queen really really loved the colour orange, you'd find her somewhere on orange island where everything is orange. (Excuse the terrible example, but I think you get it anyways
I like how you mentioned some of the good things Jay had at home as well. I mean, although it sounds like he had a terrible time, it couldn't have all been awful, and you managed to show that here. One thing though: our time at home with Jay was very very brief. A little too brief if you ask me. So when you do refer to his home and past time, make sure you add a lot of detail in there! Maybe even a flashback could be useful? I really want to see some more emotion and how terrible it was to be beat up by his brother. Would his father smile at him as the brother led him to the garden, saying he needed to learn how to toughen up? Did the brother look him in the eye and then release all his anger at once? Was he able to parry a few blows and then eventually just succumbed to the beating because otherwise he was drawing it out?
I know, I ask a lot of questions
(Psst: One thing I really love about this story is the unique and totally random but amazing idea! I can't wait to see where these sheep are hidden and what they are going to have to do to get to them
Deanie x
Hi there!
So your characters have been going on this journey for a few chapters now. It's great to watch them go through this. Although it might be a bit boring at times, I think it's the right thing for you to do at this time. We're really getting a good look into your characters' lives and their relationships. To be honest, Shep seemed like a creepy (really creepy) old man in the beginning, but now my impression of him has changed. He doesn't seem creepy to me and I finally see what his purpose -- for lack of better description -- is in life. It's also nice to see him interact on a personal level too. He does in fact have friends (friend? he at least has one) and is an interesting character. I look forward to learning more about him in later chapters.
One thing that impresses me about how your writing this is your use of imagery. From the first time that Jay stepped foot in this world, I've had a solid idea of what this place is like. Sidebar: does this world have a name? I feel like you've definitely mentioned something about a name. I'm terribly unobservant so if it was mentioned, chances are I missed it which is why I'm asking. Anyway, keep up the good job with your imagery.
I don't know why I didn't comment on this in the last chapter, but I'm gonna make up for it by mentioning it now. We've uncovered the main conflict here. There are these sheep that aren't really sheep; they're royalty and thus the true rulers of this world. But we haven't come across a villain yet. Okay, we know that a sorceress was the one to turn them into sheep, but that's it. Is she still around? Does she know that Shep and Fleta are looking for these sheep? I want to know more about the forces that are going to oppose them in this journey they're going through.
I'll leave you with a small nitpick:
You should start a new paragraph when Fleta speaks here. This paragraph is set in Jay's POV, so it's strange to have Fleta's dialogue butting in there. Make sure to give her her own separate space here.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Good chapter! I was hoping for a little more action, and I thought the screaming may have resulted in some, but no. However, I see that some action may be on its way, especially when Jay agreed with me by questioning: "Is this how it's going to be forever?"
Okay, here we go...
Excellent! Just be sure to remove the "the" or the "any."
A bit lengthy. I would split this sentence somewhere in between "speak of" and "but Shep."
The whole "joints groaning in protest" is overused. There's nothing truly wrong with using it yourself, but consider changing it.
I wouldn't have used "hard" twice in the same sentence unless, of course, you meant to.
Add a comma after "stall."
Um, how could Jay know that someone had died? I would have said something like, "He shot up off the floor, alarmed." He shouldn't have had too much time to decide that someone had died. He should just have a sense of surprise.
Another excellent poem. The best one so far, I might add.
Move the "again" to the beginning of the sentence.
Here, you have "awoken" and "awakened." I'm not sure which one is right, however.
Capitalize "that's."
As kayfortnight mentions bellow, there is no purpose in this chapter. It's amusing and the song is great, but it does need to be longer and it needs to have action! Consider combining your next chapter with this one. I can't wait to read Chapter 7! I'll be waiting for some intensity!
Odd wording. Not sure whether I like it or not.
I like the exchange about the time. it's cute:)
Maybe italicize the lyrics? Would make them stand out more.
My biggest complaint with this chapter is that nothing really happened. Some conversation, but it didn't actually develop the characters. Some jokes, but they don't create any tension. A little bit of exposition, but mostly an empty chapter. Remember, there should be a purpose for every chapter.