E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 32

by Rook

Chapter 32

~1,076 words

The ride on the Redline was quite quick. It was filled with all kinds of people. Jay noticed a woman in a glittery jumpsuit scribbling something on a clipboard. There was a man in Ray Vans who had a large afro, and he was playing a game on his phone. There was a little girl in a pink dress who was poking at her mother to look out the window, but her mother was talking on her cell phone and kept smoothing the girl’s hair down. And, of course, there was a man with a too-bright smile in a curious red cape, a young woman in dirty-looking homespun, and a man in a suit who looked quite out of place, but yet belonged to this motley crew. Jay almost laughed when a little boy had taken an interest in Cabot’s cape. The boy was trying to intimidate Cabot into giving it to him by staring him down. Cabot, clearly uncomfortable, cleared his throat and tried to look elsewhere.

They arrived at Hollywood late in the afternoon. “We need to find a computer or something,” Jay said. “I don’t know where the studio we’re looking for is.”

“I have a laptop,” William offered. William was the only one who had had luggage to take with him on the train. He had popped into his hotel in Chicago to grab it before they went on the train. “We should find an internet café or something.”

“Yes. I think I see a Starbucks down the street a little ways,” said Jay.

The streets were filled with cars and people and buildings. There were plenty of palm trees, and the day was warm. When they entered Starbucks, they stepped into a cloud of coffee-scented air.

“Mmm,” said Fleta, taking a deep breath. “I can never get used to how good all your food is here.”

“You’ve only had train food,” Jay laughed. “Wait until you get some real food.”

“Does this place serve real food? Because it smells delicious in here.”

“Well, I wouldn’t consider this the best food we have to offer,” Jay said.

“But you can still have whatever you like,” William interrupted.

Fleta beamed. “What kind of fruitwashes do they have?”

William looked confused, but Jay answered. “We don’t have fruitwashes. The closest thing to a fruitwash that I can think of would be a smoothie, and I don’t see any on the menu.”

“Oh. What should I get then? I don’t really like coffee.” Fleta wrinkled her nose. “Though I do love its smell.”

“Hot chocolate, maybe?”

“Ooh! I haven’t had chocolate in forever! Yes, I’ll have some of that.” Fleta clapped her hands.

“Coming right up, missy,” said William. “Does anyone else want anything?”

Jay and Cabot shook their heads.

“Then you best start researching that studio, Jay. See if you can find us a hotel while you’re at it.” He handed Jay his backpack.

Jay led Cabot to a booth table around the side of the building. He unzipped the backpack and slid out a sleek laptop. Cabot watched him from across the table.

“Here Cabot, let me show you something. Come on this side of the table.” Jay scooted over, and Cabot sat beside him, looking with barely-masked wonder at the laptop’s screen. “This is a computer. It can do all sorts of things. But what it’s best for is accessing the internet. The internet is a means through which everyone in the world with a connection to it can communicate.” Jay connected to the Starbuck’s Wi-Fi and launched the browser. “Now, I don’t know what studio the dagger movie was filmed in, so I can just Google that. The movie was Total Vengeance, made by Three Pines Studios.” Jay typed the title into the search bar, and clicked on the first result—a link to IMDB: Internet Movie Database. That brought him to an information page about the move.

“What’s all this?” Cabot asked, pointing.

“Those are the actors who played in the movie, but we don’t care about them right now.” Jay scrolled down further. “We care about this.” He pointed at a word: Waterpress Studios. Jay looked up Waterpress Studio’s location. It was just a mile down the street from the Starbucks. He checked the visiting hours, but the studio had closed half an hour earlier. Plus you needed to RSVP for a tour. Jay sighed. “I guess we’ll do it tomorrow. If we can get a hold of the tour manager.”

“So Earth has all this communication ability…” Cabot mused. “I bet you guys don’t have any wars. All disputes can just be settled over this internet thing.”

Jay laughed. “If only that were true, Cabot.”

Just then, William and Fleta appeared. “There you guys are!” Fleta said. “We were looking for you, but we couldn’t find you!” She was holding a steaming cup of chocolate.

“Were you able to find anything out about the studio?” William asked.

“Yeah, Three Pines filmed Total Vengeance at Waterpress Studio, which is down about a mile from here, but they’re closed, and we have to call to schedule a tour.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged. And the hotel?”

“I haven’t gotten to that yet. Maybe you’d be better at handling that.”

William nodded and took the laptop without a word.

“So how do you like your chocolate, Fleta?” Jay asked.

Fleta was sipping at the side of the cup. “It’s hot, but delicious. It’s so smooth and creamy and sweet. I wish they had these at every inn back home.”

“I wish they had fruitwashes at every restaurant here.”

Cabot played with a napkin, shredding it thoughtlessly into thin strips. The ripping paper, William’s typing, and occasional sips from Fleta were the only sounds.

Eventually, William closed the lid of the laptop and said, “A cab’s coming to pick us up and take us to our hotel. Then I thought it would be fun if we could see a movie together, so I bought tickets! After that, we can pick up dinner.”

“Sounds like a fun night,” Jay said. He had smiled when Fleta brightened at the mention that they were going to see a movie. “Thank you William.”

“No, thank you. I’m already getting some ideas as to what my new app is going to be, and it is going to be good. I can just feel it.” William grinned, and Fleta finished off the rest of her hot chocolate.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sun Dec 28, 2014 12:52 am

Hi there!

I really like how you described the different people on the train. I know I've been on you for doing that so it's nice to see :) Of course you it's just a coincidence because this was written way before I even got around to reviewing your other chapters. It really makes the train ride come alive when you share the characters' surroundings. Before it felt like there was just the four of them on the train, but now I could come up with a strong image in my mind.

A small nitpick: you never really tell us they got off the train. I know that it really should be obvious, but it would be nice to know that they got off the train.

Fleta said. “We were looking for you, but we couldn’t find you!”

How big is this Starbucks exactly?? ;)

Ooooh, so now they're taking a huge step towards getting to the dagger. It's amazing how easy it is, really. Of course, there's nothing else out there to stop them from getting to the dagger so I'm sure it would be easy. I'm just so used to seeing characters fight through a lot to get to where they need to be. In your story the villain is right there with them. It's definitely not something I've seen done before.

I do want to mention though that Cabot doesn't seem to be an evil villain. He's just kind of plodding along with the rest of them as they try to find this dagger. It kind of bothered me at first, but the more I read on the more I realized that you probably don't want him to be like that. The first time we met him, he was pretty evil. But as time goes on, it seems that he just wants the dagger and will do whatever he needs to to get it. That's another thing that I really like about your novel; it's different.

Dang, I don't really have anything else to say. This is yet another chapter where the characters work on finalizing their plans to get to the dagger. I feel like we're getting close to the end soon! :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Nov 09, 2014 2:46 pm

Hi Fortis.

For this review I am honestly stumped. I have no clue what I am going to say, so I apologise for this being short.

When I read the first paragraph of this chapter, I was practically fangirling at the description. Now that is how you make a group of people more unique, part of the setting and yet still there. That is how you make a crowd interesting. I know I mentioned this in the previous review as well, which made me so happy to know you had managed to carry that across and make it wonderful in this chapter. Thank you so much for doing this <3 And now it's also nice to see that they have arrived in Hollywood, and can get cracking on their case. It seems like everything will be beginning tomorrow, and I wonder how it will go. Cabot's mention at how there can't be any wars because we have internet made me smile xD If only that were true... if only...

On to the little feedback I can give! I would've thought that Jay would've been more awed at being in Hollywood. Hollywood doesn't really seem like the place you just up and go to. It seems more fairytale like than that, almost as if it is reserved purely for those who are celebrities. Which is why I thought Jay would've been more in awe at having arrived as well. Yes, he is human while Fleta and Cabot are from another world. But maybe they don't comprehend the weight of being here, and it would be nice to see their roles reversed for once so that Jay is this time the person in shock. It would be funny to see things backwards for once, and I also think more realistic as well.

I was also surprised when Cabot turned down the offer to get something to eat/drink in Starbucks. Yes, he is the one trying to play the villain here and has to be all tough and everything. But he is in a new world, and wouldn't he like to try stuff as well? Especially as it smells different and as glorious as Gloria put it? He is acting the opposite as to what I thought he might look like right now, so maybe this is something to change. Make sure Fleta and him stay equal on the shock factor, and that her being inferior to him doesn't run into the new world side of things.

Another thing which might be nice for Jay to think about now that they are so close to what they want to get, is Shep and the trolls. I can imagine him feeling slightly frustrated that the studio is closed and that they will have to wait another day before he can get back to rescuing his friends. So maybe frustration should be evident there, as well as some more thoughts. Doesn't he want their mission to end as quickly as possible, or is he enjoying it now more than he thought he would? That might be another thing to include.

Awaiting the next chapter :) Keep up this brilliant work, fortis. The chapters are only getting better and better.

Deanie x

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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here

I have taken a liking to simply commenting on the story and nitpicking as I go. As far as people liking that style... well, I dunno. But it seems to work for me so far, so let's see what I can work up. :)

So the first thing I noticed was an over-abundance of passive voice in the first paragraph. I almost died reading it. Seriously. I had to go and eat a couple of chocolate bars (kit-kats, unbroken, if you please) to calm my nerves so I could come back to this. Ah, not really, actually. But it took a moment for the jitters to go away. This part--

There was a little girl in a pink dress who was poking at her mother to look out the window, but her mother was talking on her cell phone and kept smoothing the girl’s hair down


--could be through to weed out any passive voice and smooth over the edges. It's not that I think passive voice should be avoided altogether, but they're like adverbs. Used sparingly and in the correct places, I think they're wonderful things. But too many in one place, and fireworks start shooting off in my brain. And, man, is that painful... and sparkly. Oooooh, look! Curtains! *coughs* I don't know where that came from.

Jay almost laughed when a little boy had taken an interest in Cabot’s cape.


QUICK. Make this a new paragraph before Deanie gets here and pulls out her ray guns to incinerate you. Technically, this could be seen as two ideas because the focus of the paragraph changes to Cabot instead of the entire group. And the paragraph is long, anyway. Although that isn't a problem. I like how your paragraphs have varying lengths. Just keeping them a single idea is much important. Perhaps even more important than giving me cookies. Well, I won't go that far....

They arrived at Hollywood late in the afternoon


WHAT??!!?!?!? oops. Broke my own rule. Anywho. Is this the only description of the place that we are gonna get? I haven't ever been there, and I was really looking forward to some description from you, and I know you can really dish out the beautiful descriptions. :3 So... can you expand on this a bit, and give us the colors, the conversations, the people, the entire ambience the city gives you? The sounds are also very important. Just take this description, this bare-bones foundation of a description of Hollywood you have here, and expand and extrapolate on what you have? Comprehende mucho abracadabra? Good.

When they entered Starbucks, they stepped into a cloud of coffee-scented air.


I would be happier if you gave us one or two more sentences of description in this bit here. That, and if you were so good to buy me a massage. hehe

Well, I wouldn’t consider this the best food we have to offer,” Jay said.


Shaddup, Jay. <.< Starbucks has the best food. Coffee is sooooo food.

Fleta clapped her hands.


*facepalm* For some reason, this little action by Fleta reminded me of a kid at the circus. Dun tell me why, but to spare your other readers the same image, perhaps you could switch it to a more... I dunno, older(?) action? I suppose I am making no sense now.

That brought him to an information page about the move.


Now is that a Judo or Karate move? I think you misspelled a word there. hee-hee

Cabot asked, pointing.


I hereby promise to be somewhat serious for the next few sentences.

So when you have a question, and then an action (like Cabot pointing), there is no reason for you to write Cabot asked. Only the action is required, because it acts like a tagline in itself because the reader will just associate the talking with the first name they see. That, and since the question mark implies he is indeed asking a question, you can omit the asked without a hitch in the writing. So, "Can I have a root-beer float?" Cabot pointed to the screen. Something like that, anyway. ^.^

I bet you guys don’t have any wars. All disputes can just be settled over this internet thing


I thought this was a kind of silly thing for Cabot to say, and not very like him, since it's so silly. Before internet, they still had ways to communicate. They weren't unable to talk before then... And because technology wasn't as advanced, it just took a little longer. Snail mail, you see. I actually use slugs

. “There you guys are!” Fleta said. “We were looking for you, but we couldn’t find you!”


Is this a Walmart sized Starbucks? O.O

He had smiled when Fleta brightened at the mention


technical: cut had

So I know quite a few tech people. Programmers, computer guys - whatever you want to call them. Just by looking at them, you can tell they work with computers. They all wear glass, are super skinny and somewhat awkward, and all of them walk around in jeans. William just doesn't seem like an app builder at all. He does seem like a business man, but not an app builder. If he isn't building the apps... why isn't he running the side of the business with the money and allowing the builders to do their work? And if he is the one building the apps, he acts kinda too... businessmanlike (true word. oh, yes.) for me to be the one building the app. He seems more like the guy to be running the business. I don't know. He just seems the wrong guy for that kind of a job, like he's filling someone else's shoes.

I think this was a very good chapter. There were a lot of things in it that pushed the story forward and kept things moving. I will be honest with you and say I think you can do a lot better with those two descriptions I mentioned. But just play around with them and see if you can bring out a more developed description for us. x) But besides my little things that made me have to brush my hair again (<.< meanie. took hours for me to get the locks perfectly curled in just the right position), I think you did an amazing job. Especially with the characters. They're always perfect, and always saying just the right things. Gah, you do such a wonderful job with that. Sometimes I really have difficulty having my characters say the proper stuff, in the proper way for them, and blah, blah, blah. But you, you do a very good job getting that just right. And I can sense the plot building! Yay for that. I like how the farther we go into this story, the bigger and more difficult the plot seems. Jay is really going to have to think haaaard in order to get everything fixed and get the girl in the end. But I think he can do it. ^.^

Keep eating lasagna! *coughs* And I will make sure I eat less sugar before a review... probably.
~Darth Timmyjake



And don't forget it's hydrate or diedrate
— zaminami