E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 22

by Rook

Chapter 22

~1,380 words

It was a while before Jay could muster the strength to speak. When he did try to speak, however, Shep immediately shushed him. Jay hadn’t realized, but there had been absolute silence in the dark entrance of the spire—silence, except for a low rumbling.

“What is that sound?” hissed Gilfred.

“I don’t know,” Shep said, “but it doesn’t sound friendly.”

The group waited until Jay felt he had the strength to walk. Then they made their way slowly down the spire’s entrance corridor. It was dark, but an occasional torch lighted their way. “It’s almost as if we were expected,” said Godfrey.

“I think that’s the scariest thing of all,” Gilfred whimpered.

The hallway twisted and turned, like it was taking its time getting to its destination. There were no branches off the path or doorways or even windows. Jay felt the cold feeling of fear sink into his stomach.

“What if it’s a dead end,” he said, “And we turn around and the door’s closed, and we’re trapped?”

“Then we’ll figure something out. This path has got to lead somewhere though,” said Shep.

And he was right. Soon enough, a warm yellow light glowed along the corridor, reflecting off of the stones that all appeared to be a little wet. It had been getting warmer the farther they got along the passage. As they approached the yellow light, it got so warm Jay slipped off his coat and draped it over his arm. He could see beads of sweat on Shep’s forehead.

Suddenly, Jay was reminded of a game he used to play as a kid. Someone would pick an object in the room and try to guide the other person to it using heat. The closer to the object, the “warmer” they were. When they found the object, the first person would shout “you’re burning up!”

It was as if they were coming close to what they had been searching for all this time. Jay wondered what it was. A warm bed? A sheep? A way home?

The yellow light grew ever closer until at last it swallowed them up into a bright room lit by… Jay rubbed his eyes. It can’t be. Yes! Those are light bulbs.

Jay looked excitedly at the trolls to see how astonished they were that electricity did exist. They were astonished, but they weren’t looking at the light bulbs. Instead, the giant swirling purple portal against the wall seemed to have captured their attention.

Jay realized this should have his attention as well, and dutifully gaped at the unexpected sight. Just as dutifully, he jumped with surprise when the green sofa in the center of the room spoke. Or at least it seemed to speak.

“Ah Jay and company. I have been expecting you. How nice of you to join me. You took long enough.” It was a man’s voice. He sounded like he was talking through a smile. The couch was pointed away from the entrance to the room, but Jay could see it hosted a pair of feet. They were clad in dark leather shoes and resting on top of a short wooden table. The table and sofa had been placed on an expensive-looking rug, and the rest of the floor was a comfortable hardwood.

Shep took a step forward. “Who are you?” he asked, sounding both angry and confused at the same time.

A low chuckle came from the man in the couch. “Hello Shep. I don’t believe we’ve met, but I’ve heard a lot about you, and you’ve probably heard about me.” The feet casually slid off the table, and a figure stood up. A figure that smiled a too-bright smile and wore a blood-red cape. “I’m Cabot.” He made a sweeping bow.

Jay started forward like he was going to attack the man, but Shep put an arm out to stop him. Jay was glad of this because truthfully, he had no idea what he was going to do to Cabot.

“What do you want with us, and why is this spire here?” challenged Shep.

“Well, those are mostly the same question.” Cabot reached into a pocket on the inside of his cape and pulled out an ordinary-looking stick. He contemplated it for a minute, and then broke it in half. Or, it was mostly broken: a string of bark held one half to the other.

A surprised choking sound came from Shep. “What have you done to me?” he asked, but his voice sounded strained.

Cabot looked at him with a devilish smile and said nothing.

“Are you alright?” Gilfred asked Shep, worried.

“I can’t- I can’t move anything. Not my arms, nor my legs, nor my neck.” Shep seemed to struggle without moving an inch. Then he addressed Cabot again with a plaintive “Why?”

“Because I want something from you, and I don’t think you’ll give it to me willingly. Because I need you to stay right here in this spot until I can get the tools to take it from you.”

“What is it?” Shep asked, true fear creeping into his eyes. “I don’t have much.”

Cabot laughed. “That would be telling, wouldn’t it?”

Suddenly the trolls jumped forward and ran at Cabot. Quick as a wink, the man pulled out two more sticks and snapped them neatly in two. The trolls froze mid-sprint.

Cabot shook his head, “Bad trolls. Don’t you know it’s impolite to run at your host?” He glanced at Shep’s stick, still hanging together. “I’m done hearing from you,” he said, and severed the last thread keeping the stick together. Cabot fixed his steely eyes on Jay. “Would you like some tea?” he offered. Jay looked at Shep, but Shep said nothing. “Sorry I can’t offer your friend any. I’m afraid it would get stuck in his throat, being frozen like he is.” Cabot laughed again, and turned back to the short table to pour the tea. Jay followed mechanically.

“You know,” Cabot started, conversationally, “I’m finding that I’m having a bit of a social problem. I laugh, but no one laughs with me. Why do you think this is?” His eyes searched Jay’s face.

Jay remained silent. He did not drink from the teacup Cabot had placed in front of him either.

“Not one for small talk then? Go on, drink up.” Cabot made a flipping motion with his hand. He sighed. “I suppose you’re just going to demand to know why you’re here. Well, since we last talked, what you said has really influenced me. About you being from Earth and all. I have a… friend, who has certain magic powers. She owes me a great debt and she’d do anything I ask. But I’m getting off-topic. I asked this friend to show me what Earth is like. She showed me visions of the world; she even brought these curious light devices to me.” Cabot gestured to the light bulbs. “But I need something else. Something she couldn’t conjure for me. She made me this portal, so I could go freely from here to Earth, but I can’t find my way around that blasted world. And that’s why I need you. Someone from Earth to guide me.”

“I’m not going to show you around my planet,” spat Jay. His hatred for this man burned in his stomach.

“I thought you might say that. That’s why I brought her.” Cabot twisted around to look behind him, and gestured with his hand. Out of the deep shadows along the wall, a girl appeared. A dark-haired girl with no-longer-cheerful eyes.

“Fleta!” Jay shouted with joy.

Jay stood up, but Cabot snarled “sit down” so he did.

Fleta looked sadly at Jay, but offered nothing, not even a sad smile.

“As you might expect from a genius such as myself, I obtained some leverage you don’t get any funny ideas while we travel your Earth. You disobey my orders, you try to escape, you do anything other than what I say, and she gets hurt. Got it?”

Jay nodded bleakly, the joy of seeing Fleta fading as fast as it had come.

“What do you say? Let’s go to Earth!”

Jay stared into the swirling purple portal that led to his home with a mixture of hope and despair. He nodded.

Comments & reviews · 7
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review · Fri Mar 20, 2015 12:00 am

Hi Widdershins! Wolfie here for a review!

Before I even read the chapter, I want to comment on your dwarf characters, Gilfred and Godfrey. The main reason they're hard to distinguish is because they are always together. If you want your readers to know Gilfred and Godfrey more as separate characters with distinct personalities, you will need to have a scene with just one of the dwarves and Jay. For all I know, you've done this already (you're on Chapter 52, that's incredible!!!!) but this is one thing to keep in mind.

The hallway twisted and turned, like it was taking its time getting to its destination.

I really like this personification. :)

Soon enough, a warm yellow amber/topaz light glowed along ebbed through the corridor, reflecting glinting off of the stones that all appeared to be a little wet tiny water droplets that clung to each stone.

It's always nice to use pretty color synonyms and unique verbs for the movement of light. I gave you some suggestions; change the sentence as you please.

Jay was glad of this because truthfully, he had no idea what he was going to do to Cabot.

Ah Jay, I love you xD

OMG THAT WAS AMAZING!!! Jay is returning to Earth, but with Cabot (and Fleta?) at his side...

I do think you could work on the emotion a bit more in this chapter. Look what happened to Jay's friends! They were kidnapped and magically paralyzed by the ultimate enemy, Cabot, who now owns a magical purple portal to reach Jay's homeland, Earth. Like, woah. Jay should be freaking out!

Is Jay alright, after his accident outside of the spire? He seemed pretty badly off at the end of the last chapter, seeing hazy images of the dwarves and shards being plucked from his hand. Yikes... but by the beginning of this chapter he seemed just fine. No one had to support him or anything.

Otherwise though, great job! You are an expert at creating an enthralling plot with dozens of surprising twists and unexpected events such as what happened in this chapter. It will really be interesting to see just Jay, Fleta, and Cabot together again, with no Shep this time to save their lives. That also means no Shep Songs for a while.... :cry:

Keep it up!

Wow I forgot there were still people who didn't know about Jay's traipse to earth! Thanks for the review!

Yeah, hehe... you write too fast

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:55 am

Hi there!

I couldn't review your last chapter because it's so great, but I'm here to review this one!

... I accidentally read the last lines of this chapter before I started reading the chapter >< I'm so mad at myself right now. It won't be a surprise anymore!! D:

He sounded like he was talking through a smile.

Can you really tell if someone says something while smiling? I don't think there's enough of a difference to really tell that someone is smiling or not. Instead of describing it like that, maybe you could instead say that the voice sounded way too happy or maybe evil. I'm guessing it's Cabot, who is indeed an evil person. I'm sure that there's an evil tone to his voice.

So Fleta is finally back! I was going to mention that she's been gone from the story for a while, but I knew that if I mentioned it before the latest chapter, it would all be answered. And it was ^_^

These sticks have definitely grabbed my attention. I like how with just a snap, someone can be rendered motionless. That's some strong kind of magic. What I'd like to know however, is how it works. Of course, you don't have to go into a full explanation about it all, but it would be a nice thing to know. Maybe Cabot could explain a bit about how it works? You know how villains like to tell everyone their plans xD

Ah, finally we're going back to earth. This'll be very interesting. Obviously Jay has been dreaming of earth and his home, so I'm looking forward to seeing his reactions to everything. Especially because he's going there with Cabot who has Fleta in tow. It's been sort of a back story, I guess you could say, that Fleta and Jay have become friends. Their relationship is definitely going to grow after going through all of this.

This novel keeps getting better as we go. Now not only is there the sheep to worry about, but we've got Cabot's plot in here as well. You know, I always thought that Cabot was focused on stopping Shep and the rest from finding the sheep. Turns out he's working to get something more.

Nothing but praise for this chapter, and the last one since it was too good to review ^_^ Onto the next chapter I go!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Thu Aug 28, 2014 4:26 pm

Hi there Fortis!

Ooh what an interesting chapter! We've now got a new aspect to this story going now. We're getting to see Cabot and his plan to go to earth, seemingly not so interested in beating Shep at finding the sheep anymore. On top of that, we have Fleta back here and Cabot trying to Bargain, having frozen away all of Jay's friends. Jay is on the spotlight now, and whatever he intends to do he can only decide himself. I wonder what his choices will be, and where his loyalties are ultimately going to lie. Ooh this is definitely interesting ^.^ I can't wait to find out what will be happening next!

One thing I am not sure about is what Cabot is intending to do on earth? Surely he must know that unlike in this world if he reunites the sheep, he will have no power at all there and will just be another guy. I wonder what he is hoping to do or achieve there. What damage can he really cause? Is it worth Jay going and showing him around and coming back because in the end, Cabot will probably be harmless? He hasn't really done anything too bad here either, except try and kidnap people so that he can learn more about some sheep he wants to gain power from. Although the craving of power is bad, I feel like we need to see more of the "bad guy" sense from Cabot. I believe this can come from knowing his motives more. What is going on in that bad guy brain of his?

“What if it’s a dead end,”


I know this is supposed to be one sentence joined on with the next one, because you use and. But just because of where the dialogue so conveniently breaks, and how it would still flow, I think this would be better as an independent question. Meaning, it would also need a question mark.

A warm bed? A sheep? A way home?


Out of these, the first seems to be the weirdest. I can understand why he is wondering about home and sheep (he's right! Yes it is a way home! D:) But a warm bed? Have all the beds so far here been ... cold? Maybe have something more significant like the others in there. Although I wouldn't know what.

Instead, the giant swirling purple portal against the wall seemed to have captured their attention.


Okay, this is just me misunderstanding things xD But seeing as you have had dragolinx and it is perfectly acceptable to think another mythical creature like a giant could be in this story too, when you said 'the giant' I immediately thought the new monster they would have to conquer was a giant. Even putting 'a giant' as someone suggested would probably confuse me. So maybe a different adjective which couldn't be taken literally like huge or gigantic.

Jay realized this should have his attention as well,


You make it sound like he is calmly moving his attention from one thing to another, as if another is more important. I would expect him to be more shell shocked, too shocked to seem so blasé and see more... shocked. I don't know, I just wasn't feeling what I expected there.

“Ah Jay and company.


A comma after 'ah'.

Jay started forward like he was going to attack the man, but Shep put an arm out to stop him. Jay was glad of this because truthfully, he had no idea what he was going to do to Cabot.


I can get what he why he would like to knock the brains out of Cabot xD But yet, I felt like we should get some more emotion going in himself before we get his actions so they seem a little bit less stiff. So maybe mention his blood boiling or the anger rushing to his head as he moved forward to attack Cabot. Or something from the like xD

One last thing! When Fleta turns up, it seems like she hasn't got any of the sheep with her! If I were Jay, somewhere along the lines I would wonder where they were! Has Cabot got them now or did she manage to hide them or let them escape before she was taken? I felt like that was something which earned a mention...

I am looking forward to knowing what his decision will be in the next chapter! Keep up the good work ;)

Deanie x

mwhahaaaa! I love knowing all these things as the author.
THEY SHALL ALL BE REVEALED! (in due time)
Thanks for your review! :D
And that part with the portal, how it seems like he should be more shocked? That was supposed to be humorous. How did I do? .-.

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here!

Am I here before Deanie? Mayyybe, if I can just squeeze in here and submit before she does. Here's hoping.

I really liked this chapter. A ton. The plot moves forward in a way it hasn't done before. It was a huge surprise to have the electricity, which tells me that there may be more to this Cabot (sounds like a wine. xD) than what meets the eye - and that his cape may not imply that he is a prince. I wonder what his true motive is. So far, it seems as though he wants to do everything in his power to make sure they don't get the sheep, but there seems to be something else. Something bigger, and it appears to be connected with Earth as well. I wonder if he is from Earth as Jay is, or is merely too interested in it for his own good. Only time will tell, I suppose. He has obviously been there before, or he wouldn't have known what was inside the portal... and the electricity in the tunnel. That was curious and almost unfathomable all by itself. Was it something that Cabot had concocted, or was the tunnel connected to Earth somehow, and electricity there of? You don't need to answer these questions in this chapter. Just throwing out a few that need to be answered eventually - like maybe in the next few chapters or so, just so we understand a big better.

This path has got to lead somewhere though,”


I think comma after somewhere. ^.^

reflecting off of the stones that all appeared to be a little wet.


I think it would be better if you merely said: reflecting off the wet stones or something similar.

excitedly at the trolls to see how astonished they were that electricity did exist.


This part seemed a bit odd. For 1) the trolls wouldn't really be seeing the bulb and thinking --oooooh, electricity! I think they would be saying: "Oooooh. Bright light" or something, and not making the connection. So for that, it may be better for Jay to look at Shep to see his face of astonishment. And 2) I dun think they would even make the connection, that light and electricity are paired together. I mean, how would they know that light is by electricity? They have no knowledge of it. So perhaps: how astonished they were at the light without fire. or something like that, so it makes a reference to his earlier statement about his world, rather than electricity making the light itself.

Quick as a wink, the man pulled out two more sticks and snapped them neatly in two. The trolls froze mid-sprint.


I think this was a bit sudden and too weird for Cabot to do, and have them suddenly freeze in place - all because of a stick - and then have no explanation right off the bat, and no questions from Jay on how the whole deal works.

sit down” so he did.


I think comma before so

He nodded.


He nodded only two lines above. I think some other gesture of relenting would be better here, so that you don't sound redundant.

I think this was the best chapter yet, because quite honestly, there was a little bit more adventure and the tables were turned over a bit for them. One of the biggest things with fiction is that you need to keep your characters in danger and stuff not working out for them, and this chapter completed that wonderfully. Nice job.

I wonder what Cabot truly wants on Earth. Now I will have to be patient and wait for the next chapter, because I am truly caught up now. SO excited for next one!
~Darth Timmyjake

You're only here before me because I have to go to this place called school...

#mynewexcuseforeverything

You're only here before me because I have to go to this place called school...

#mynewexcuseforeverything

Random avatar
kayfortnight
Review

Hi, I'm back again!

Ooh, creepy spire makes weird noises? Awesome!

Wait...No questions about why Jay's body went nuts when he touched the spire? You'd think Shep would at least be pondering it, or that somebody would be like, "What happened back there?" Not just continuing on like nothing happened.

I love Jay. First thing he notices when he walks into a room at the end of the spire is the light bulbs. Not the enormous swirly purple portal. I like this part a lot. Very funny:)

I'm not sure why Jay's mind immediately leapt to talking sofa, considering the sofa was pointed away from them. Has he never watched those movies where someone's in a swivel chair facing away from the screen and is talking? Or did he always just assume the chair was talking?

Weird stick that when broken freezes Shep...hmm. Will have to wait to comment on that one.

The bit with Fleta... I suppose I might be able to see why Jay felt joyous, but only if you made it more obvious that her predicament wasn't obvious. After all, he left her behind in relative safety, and now she's with a guy Jay knows to be evil. Not exactly the kind of thing that inspires happiness.

Toodleloo!

User avatar
Coaleman Review

This sounds like a fantastic story! I can't see too many flaws, but I have found a few, in a search to be helpful.

On the sixth to last line, when both Cabot and Jay take action in some form or other, I think that the 'Sit down' would be more powerful if it were separate from Jay's own action.

The hot/cold game that you mentioned is a fantastic way to explain the situation. I think, however, that most readers would already be familiar to the game. I would suggest that you shorten the explanation, as you don't want something to interrupt the story too much. The ability to immerse your reader is a strength your writing style has, but the reference may be too long.

Lastly, as has been mentioned in Buggiedude2340's review, Jay seems to understand the situation well. I think it would be fair if he weren't so happy to see Fleta in captivity, whether it occurred to him or not.

Anyway, this is a fantastic work! Sadly, I've never been to this site before, so I wasn't able to read any of the story's earlier developments. Cheers!

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

Yo! Hey sorry I haven't been reviewing your chapters lately. But I've caught up, so let's do this!

Nitpicks first:
4th paragraph: I don't think I'd use 'dark', as you used it in paragraph one, and there's only dialogue between them.

Instead, the giant swirling purple portal against the wall seemed to have captured their attention.
Knowing you, you probably have your reasons, but I think the first 'the' ought to be an 'a'.

“Fleta!” Jay shouted with joy.
Would Jay really be happy to see his friend uh... frozen (I'm assuming, since you didn't elaborate), and in the custody of a villain? I think there is a more appropriate emotion for this situation.

I obtained some leverage you don’t get any funny ideas
You are missing a 'so'.

Now then, for some general comments:

As always, you do a lovely job with your poetic devices (as expected of a lovely poet like yourself!). I especially like the one that's like: "His hatred for the man burned in his stomach."

I also totally love the mention of the hot/cold game! It's a good way to connect to the story, and also helps build suspense in this case.

And for plot... I'm interested in seeing what Cabot's earthly dealings have to do with the sheep mission, and what happened to the sheep in Fleta's care (she did have one, didn't she?). This was a pretty intriguing twist.

I look forward to catching your next installment!
-Bug



Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
— George Burns