~934 words
William was leaning against the wall in the hallway, checking his smartphone. He looked up as Jay, Greg, and the others stepped through the door, then joined the posse.
“Where next?” Greg asked, brushing his fingers through his greasy black hair.
“You know,” said Jay, stretching a bit, “I’m getting kind of tired. This tour has been fascinating, but I think it’s time for us to go. Anyone object?” Cabot and Fleta shook their heads. “Great. Let’s go.” He smiled at Greg who shrugged.
On their route out of Three Pines Studios, William leaned down to whisper to Jay, “That old man walked by me as I waited in the hallway. Did he talk to you guys at all?”
Jay pulled down his lips into a puzzled frown while shaking his head. “Nope,” he lied.
“Good,” William said, smiling. He started humming a nameless tune.
Fleta sidled into the conversation, “You seem… really happy, William.”
“I am,” he said. “My idea for that app is turning out to be a good one.” He swelled a little.
“Well, that’s absolutely wonderful” Fleta burbled. She mouthed to Jay “App?”
“I’ll explain later,” he mouthed back with a dismissive wave.
Fleta shrugged.
Soon they reached the entrance again. Greg planted himself near the doors and shifted uneasily, staring at them. “Well, thanks. I guess. It was weird having visitors. Have a good day.”
“And you too,” William smiled with a polite nod.
They pushed through the doors into the warm breeze. William was already on the phone, ordering a taxi. Fleta was scrunching up her face in the bright sun.
“Hey, Fleta, why do you hate the heat so much?” asked Jay conversationally, leaning against the warm brick wall. “I remember you being jealous that we went to the southern mountains without you. And you being upset that we went north to the tropical islands.”
“Well… you know the city I lived in before I met Shep?” Fleta asked, and Jay nodded. “Summers there were the worst. Food spoiled quicker, diseases spread through the water, and the rot exploded through the poor. Like me.
“Plus, there were programs put into place during the winter. More often than not, there was a fire for me to huddle by, but there was nothing worse than being in with a bunch of people during the summer. But maybe I just like the feel of the cold. It could be as simple as that. I always liked the way the snow looked on the rooftops, even if it did make my travel around on them more difficult.” Fleta shrugged.
“Those sound like good reasons to me,” said Jay.
Fleta joined him at the wall. “I wish Trevon had your cooling thingies that can change the temperature of the room.”
“I wish Earth had road trolls and Dragolinxes. Well, maybe not the second. But we don’t have nearly as many amazing magical things that you have. I never thought dragons could exist until I came to Trevon. It’s a wonderful place.”
Fleta nodded, but said no more.
Soon, a yellow taxi pulled up alongside the curb, and they were off on their trip back to the hotel.
Cabot cleared his throat, “Hey, William, when you and the kids were at the movies yesterday, I took a walk around the hotel to get my blood moving. There was something in the back that I wanted to show them. I think I want to show it to them as soon as we get back.”
William turned around in his seat to face Cabot. “Oh, what is it?” he asked, his eyebrow raised in curiosity.
“It’s… a surprise.” His shoulders were tense.
“Then I should very much like to see it as well,” said William, suspicion peeking out of his eyes.
“I don’t think you would be very interested in it...” Cabot trailed, glancing out the cab window.
“No, I am greatly interested.” William’s eyes turned hard and cold.
“Alright, suit yourself,” Cabot said offhandedly.
Jay glanced at Cabot, confused, but Cabot just shrugged and looked out the window.
The cab pulled up to the hotel, William paid the driver, and they all hopped out.
“You sure you want to come with?” Cabot asked.
“Of course. I’m very interested.” William crossed his arms.
“Alright then. Let’s go. It’s around the back.”
The group trailed after Cabot, around the pink building’s chipping sidewalk. The asphalt behind the building was warped and bumpy, almost like a petrified black ocean shot through with cracks, and splashed here and there with yellow paint. Only the top floor had windows that faced the back: otherwise, the wall had a few pipes jutting out here and there, and one solitary door, probably used most by delivery men.
“So what did you want to show us?” Fleta asked, looking around warily.
“It’s up here towards the wall,” William said, leading them toward the salmon wall. When he came within reach, he pointed to a brick. “Can you see anything special about this brick, William?” he asked, snatching a sooty two-by-four leaning against the wall.
William leaned closer to the brick squinting. “Well, no I can’t say-”
Cabot brought the board down hard against William’s skull. It hit with a sickening thud, and William sank forward and down, his head scraping along the bricks.
Jay stared in horror. Fleta took a step backwards, her mouth agape. Cabot poked at William with the toe of his boot. William didn’t stir. Cabot straighted, adjusting his cape, and turned back to face Fleta and Jay.
“It had to be done,” he said simply, shrugging.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi Widdershins!
Which might be a bit blunt, but I think you should know that the writing is missing some of the earlier magic?
How comes when it comes to your works I never have too much to say? I feel like all the previous reviewers cover the majority of what needs to be said, and seeing as these chapters aren't too long either, I am constantly keeping these short. My apologies
So, I will say that the ending to this was pretty unexpected D: It looks like Cabot is ready to reclaim his evil-guy status now. I sincerely hope William isn't dead. Because that may turn out to be a problem if Jay ever does come back to earth permanently. You quickly moved us from the studio back to the task on hand quickly, and I liked how it was so abrupt. We needed a wake up call as readers to Cabot being the baddie and not so much part of the group. Maybe him cooperating with them all was just an act to get them to do what he needed easier. I guess we will figure it out soon enough.
I found it odd that even after Jay's worthy speech just now, Greg didn't find it in the little bit suspicious that now they had a dagger they had probably taken the tour to receive, they were going to leave immediately. It wasn't a smart move on their part (way to look fishy, couldn't Jay have asked to see something else before they left?) and I was surprised Greg didn't say anything. I don't know what I was looking for but I did expect there to be some other kind of barrier stopping them before they leave the studio.
I also feel like there is so much dialogue in your chapters! I know it wasn't like this before, which makes me feel like we are being robbed of something here. I feel like we are seeing a lot less of Jay's and the characters thoughts, and instead that is being translated into the speech as well, which isn't too good. We need to see what people are thinking as well, especially Jay, to get better grips on the story. As well as that, I feel like we are getting a lot less actions and movements from the characters too. Less of your beautiful setting descriptions. In comparison to the earlier chapters, these are beginning to fall short to me
I think it also might be because you have slowed down the pace here. This random dialogue that doesn't seem to add up to much - like Fleta's reasoning for liking the cold and all that - makes me feel like you are stalling. Trying to drag it out before we get to the climax of the story. I am not sure if this is because of the competition or something else, but you really shouldn't let it affect anything. This story is your own and I think the quality is lagging a bit because the story is dragging somewhat. We need the pace to pick up (the ending of the chapter hints at that) but for these chapters in the middle you should try to change them or excite them a bit more so they seem more adventurous or meaningful.
I just pulled this out because you might want to get rid of the passive voice there. I would change it to 'William leant/leaned against the wall.'
I really don't have any more feedback for you! I will keep reading, and you should keep writing ^^ I am wondering where this cliffhanger will lead us to!
Deanie x
Hi there!
I was honestly having a lot of trouble figuring out what to say about this chapter. I remember reading it, laughing at the end and then never coming back to it. But now I have a new perspective and can totally give you a review.
This is really the first time that we've seen Cabot take initiative since getting to Earth. At least from what I've seen. He's been using Jay as a crutch this entire time, letting him buy them train tickets and lead them around the city. It all makes sense of course because Cabot doesn't know his way around. But now they have what they came for and he realizes that he's the one in control. It's time to take them back to Trevon and he's not going to let anything or anyone stand in his way. I really appreciated that. In all honesty, I've been feeling a lack of a villainous presence ever since they started on their adventure to Hollywood. But it's come back now and I really like it. Cabot doesn't seem to be doing evil things so to speak, but like I said, he's taking control again.
I have a little nitpick for you:
I feel like the word 'think' here is not one that Cabot wants to use. Ugh, I'm having trouble putting my thoughts into word so bare with me here. Cabot wants to be in charge, he wants everyone to do what he says. So saying he thinks he wants to show them something is less concrete than just flat out saying he wants to show them something. Or even saying 'I'm going to show them before we leave'. I feel like you missed an opportunity here to show how assertive he can be, like he was back in Trevon.
Similarly, I don't see Cabot actually shrugging here. He meant to knock out William all along, yes? That's the plan he had that he told Jay and Fleta to play along with right? So I saw him doing this in a very direct manner and non-apologetic at all.
Overall you've got another great chapter here. I kind of agree with what Timmy says about there being not much of an insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings right now, but I think it's fine for a first draft. In all honesty, this seems to be more about the adventure than anything else. It's obviously important to give us good, strong characters, but if you sacrifice a bit of that to move the plot along, I see that as fine. You can always go back and add that stuff in in your second draft because you'll have the events of the adventure all mapped out already. It'll be like filling in the... dots? (that's not what I wanted to say...)
I feel like we're getting back to Trevon real soon and it'll hit the climax. I've been super curious as to what's been going on with Shep and the trolls and the sheep. Hopefully everything's going well (which I doubt :3) and all the sheep will be reunited. I can't wait!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey,
I've been kinda following this story, so I'm gonna start with a general overview of the entire thing. It's been a wonder to watch this story grow, I think you did an amazing job with developing the characters I've grown kinda attached to Greg I admit. I kinda wish there was a bit more of him in the story tho. However, that's just my personal preference and you don't have to change it. Well, the original goal here was a review full of epic nitpicks and such, but Timmyjake seems to have the majority of it covered. I did find this one spelling error however.
I assume here you meant "straightened" it just makes more sense.
Aside from that Timmyjake seems to have covered it pretty well. I really enjoy seeing these chapters come out even if I don't review them all. I think you do an amazing job with detail as well, it helps with the movie I see in my head. You have a lot of talent as a writer and I look foreword to reading more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Timmy here :3
Allow me to babble on for a moment, and skip my stereotypical introduction. As I go farther into this, past the chapters in Trevon and now probably going back to it, I notice something missing almost altogether from your chapters. Your chapter is a group of actions smooshed together into a story, with some character chit-chat going on in-between that. The only kind of tension and opposition I get here is all physical. Let me try to rephrase. There was a time in your book where I could see the inside of your characters, where reading the book was like reading a map of their minds as well as going through the story. Now I just get a breakdown of their actions, like: Jay stared in horror. You can do better than zat! I know you can. Because I have seen it. These later chapters aren't giving me any insights into the workings of Jay's mind at all, really.
His mind is like a closed book, and I am not getting any emotions - whether happy, upset, angry, spiteful, penguins - nothing. It's merely his actions which tell me what he's feeling. Which would be fine, like in Fleta's case. But this is Jay, your main character. I always though you wrote this from third person limited, which means we get to travel through the workings of one character throughout the book. But what I am seeing here is more of a disconnected third-person. A poor signal from Jay, because I am only getting a part of what I need to be receiving. Give me his thoughts, his fears, his desires, even his little bitty concerns. Anything your character thinks or should be thinking - whether naughtily evil or puppy dog cute - needs to be shown to your reader.
Otherwise, we're seeing this in a two-dimensional way, character-wise.
This is telling. It would be fine if you were running out of space, the world was being blown apart in the next four minutes and you were almost finished, or if you had just packed this entire chapter with showing. But you haven't. Give us more showing, and less telling. The "greasy black hair" is a good example. Instead of just telling us it's greasy, show us. How does Jay know it's greasy? Can he see the grease in it? Does it stick straight up, and have that shimmer of oil to it? Show us why it is greasy rather than telling us, and by gosh by golly by floyd, show it through Jay's eyes - not through an unknown narrator. This is third person limited. That means all of this is through Jay's eyes, or whoever is the narrator at the given time. More from his perspective, and less of just describing and stating without it coming from him.
Comma after you
You're missing some commas inside your dialogue there. After wonderful and after Jay. Better add them there. c:
Um, hasn't William been talking about this app in the first chapter they met him, and like every second there's a quiet moment since then? I think Fleta would have caught the app word and asked Jay what he was talking about already.
Please no. >.< Dun use adverbs after taglines, if you can help it. Especially such long ones. o.o conversaionaslys wut
You basically told us he was trailing off twice. Once by the ellipsis (...), and another time by actually telling us. The first one was perfect.
This was what I was talking about in the beginning of my review. You're telling us that Jay is confused, but you're not allowing us to actually know why he's confused at all. You're not allowing us inside his mind to hear his thoughts. Remember: his perspective.
I am assuming you meant Cabot here? heehee
I wish you would describe everything like you described that back alleyway. That description was perrrrrrfect. I loved it, because I could see everything with such clarity. And it was a pretty description, referencing the ocean - but black. I liked that. You did an amazing job with that description, and I want them all to be like that. I actually think you writing these chapters at the last moment, and shoving them in before the deadline... well, I think it's hurting your writing. I wish you would think about this, and see if you can write during the week. It's not so much as spending more time on the piece while writing, but having a different mentality. At the end of the week, Sunday afternoon, you're wanting word wars because you're behind. You need to be writing like the devil in order to scrape by in time. And that makes your writing suffer. Affinity is a good example. >.< That's why I quit the LMS challenge. But you shouldn't quite. Nope. But think about it: If you wrote only 130 words a day, which is basically 10 to 20 minutes, you would have a completed chapter by the end of the week - stress free. I think it's the last minute stress and anxiety of getting your piece in on time that is making your writing suffer somewhat.
Don't get me wrong. I still loved this chapter, and I still love your writing. But having been with your book for this long now, I know you can do better. Because I have seen it. :3 I hope this review wasn't too harsh. I am writing it with good intentions, anyway. :/
~Darth Timmyjake