~901 words
Clutching the hairbrush, Jay confronted a boy, around his age with dark, unruly hair and a wild, panicked look in his eyes. He too was clutching a hairbrush, and his friend, an old man with a short white beard was catching up behind him. Jay blinked. So did his reflection. Jay put out his hand, his reflection following along, of course. He touched the smooth, cool surface. The whole wall in front of him was made of reflective glass. Shep appeared over his shoulder.
“This looks interesting,” Shep mused.
A shiver thrust its way up Jay’s spine. “It’s downright intimidating.” He looked to his left and to his right. He saw distant reflections of himself at the end of the passageway. Starting off to the right, he beckoned to Shep, who nodded and followed. Jay’s reflection grew ever closer until he bumped against the glass. Jay rubbed his nose.
Shep noted, “The reflections are perfect, but they look farther away than they actually are.”
“Kind of like car mirrors,” muttered Jay.
“What?” asked Shep, confused.
“Never mind,” Jay said, peering down the corner. “This looks like a maze, but made of mirrors.”
“A labyrinth. And is the sheep at the center?” Shep pulled at his beard.
“And what’s the hairbrush for?” asked Jay, tossing it in the air.
“I guess we’ll find out,” Shep said grimly. “We’ll also find out if we made the right decision.”
“How are we going to make it through the maze?” There was a strange atmosphere in the maze, like someone, or something, was watching them. As Jay glanced around, he reasoned it might just be all the reflections catching his eyes.
“If we keep one hand on a wall, then we will eventually work through the entire maze. Provided that works.” Shep winced.
“It’s as good as any plan I could come up with,” answered Jay, not mentioning that this was the plan that he had tried to implement in the cave, but which had ultimately failed.
“Let’s get started then, shall we?” The pair set off, hands brushing the mirrored walls.
Around every corner were mirrors and more mirrors. Jay eventually began to grow sick of the haunted look his face wore—not to mention the pimple on his chin—so he began to watch his feet. This was how he bumped into Shep when the old shepherd stopped suddenly short. “Hey,” he began to complain, but Shep shushed him.
“I have made two observations,” Shep whispered under his breath. “One, we are going in circles. Two, we are not alone.”
The hairs on Jay’s neck stood up as he tried to look around. The only things he could see in any direction were Shep and himself. “How do you know?” he asked, equally quietly.
“Well, I don’t know for certain about either to be honest. I keep seeing something flickering in the corner of my eye that’s never there when I check. And my internal compass is telling me that we’ve been going in a circle. But I can’t be sure.”
Jay suddenly wished that they had chosen the dagger instead of the hairbrush, which felt so suddenly useless in his grip. “Well if something’s out there, I would surely appreciate it if it came out now, instead of making us wait.”
Who said I was ever hidden? said a voice in Jay’s mind.
Jay jumped, looking around wildly now. He could see Shep was just as surprised, as he was peering down at the floor in all directions.
“W-who are you?” Jay asked, his jaw trembling. “Where are you?”
The voice laughed. Jay thought that it was a strange experience, to feel a laugh inside his mind. Almost as if some joy was brushing against his memory. Or something like that.
You’re asking the wrong questions, boy.
Shep straightened, as if he had made up his mind. “The question he’s trying to get you to ask, is ‘What are you?’ Jay.” He stared at one spot on the floor behind Jay. “I think I have an answer to that, though.”
Jay turned to see the spot Shep was looking at. At first, he saw nothing but his own shadow. But then his shadow waved. Without his arm doing anything. Jay’s eyes bugged. “Is it a demon?” he asked, remembering Fleta’s demon story.
The mysterious shadow and Shep laughed in sync, which unnerved Jay more than a little. “A demon would not be content to idly follow,” Shep said. “And regardless, you would know if it was a demon. They don’t hide in shadows.”
Jay was a little bit relieved, seeing that Shep didn’t look too frightened—but then again, he never did. Jay kept clutching the hairbrush, not caring if it was silly. “What are you then?”
And he finally asks, the voice said, a tinge of amusement licking its tone. But the shadow didn’t give an answer.
“It’s a shade, Jay. It is basically a living shadow. Essentially harmless,” explained Shep.
Now don’t count out the power of a shade, said the voice, sounding as if its honor had been infringed upon.
“I did say essentially, didn’t I?” Shep asked, smiling at the shade’s willfulness.
None to reassured by an “essentially harmless” rating, Jay asked, “Why are you here? Why are you following us?”
To lead you to my mistress, of course, the shade responded. She dwells within the labyrinth.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,795 Reviews
Hi there! It's Review Day so I'm here to catch up :3
Now, I've finished reading your novel because I really wanted to see what happened at the end, so I already know everything. I'll lose that element of surprise I like having while reviewing, but I'll do my best besides that.
I get that you're revealing that this boy is actually Jay's reflection, but the way it's worded makes it seem like his reflection is something different and the boy is still around. If he suddenly realized it was his reflection that would work better. Right now it's written out with not much explanation of who the boy was.
It's interesting that there's a labyrinth down here, just for the sole purpose of hiding a sheep. The sheep have been hard to find in the past, but this seems super excessive. I guess that's just how the Enchantress rolls. It reveals a lot about her that she would go to all of this trouble to build this. I wonder if she planned this out for a while before sending Shep on his quest.
There's always something going on isn't there? Something to distract them from their quest. That's one thing I love about this novel. It's so fast paced and one thing after another. There are almost no breaks and when there is one, it's over quickly. Most definitely an adventure novel.
One thing that kind of bothers me throughout your novel is how easily Jay accepts everything. It's especially apparent with the shade here. There are no shades in real life -- that I know of xD -- so Jay wouldn't have any idea what this creature is. That's obvious. Yet he goes right along and asks the questions and doesn't seem bothered by the voice in his head after a few times. Where's the panic and fear? He mentions that he wished he had brought the dagger, which means that he would've planned on using it. He doesn't sound worried enough to actually use one though. He's rather calm.
I think that's it for this review. Your chapters are always so hard to comment on because they're just so wonderful. On to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy hereeee
I'm going to jump my glorious introduction and head straight into the meat of the review. Who likes those thingies before the meal, anyway? *has forgotten what they're called* Mmm, though. Great stuff, chicken wings.
Ahem.
Your first sentence needs a bit of brushing up as far as the flow goes, as it's a bit clunky. And there's one thing I didn't like about that paragraph (as opposed to the many things I loved about it). Jay is there, looking at his reflection - and at first, it seems as though he doesn't recognize himself. You reference him by "boy" at first, so that's why. If he discovers that it's a mirror and he's staring at himself, I'd think there'd be some sort of a reaction. Sort of a "Woah, dude - that's me?" And regardless, whether Jay knew it was a mirror from the start and he was looking at himself, I think he'd stare for a moment - having forgotten what he looks like in a mirror. I mean, when you see your reflection once ever few months (sounds like we're in Abnegation. o.o halp), I think it'd be a distraction.
I'm also not fully grasping all this about the multiple reflections. Seems to me like you need a bit more description there on it? Like, how many are there? Where are they? With so many mirrors, I can see why he'd get overwhelmed by them. But the reader needs to feel overwhelmed by it, too. And we need a better picture in order to do that. Just a bit more, I think? More towards the beginning of the mirrors, too - not the ending.
*facepalm* Now you're using adverbs to describe adverbs? Tsk Tsk
I know it sounds odd, but I'm still seeing this hairbrush as plastic, like those we use. >> And I'm assuming that it's a normal hairbrush from Trevon? If it was from Earth, it would have gotten quite a few comments from Shep. So perhaps some details on this wonderful brusher of hair would help. :p
Comma after you
redundancy: suddenly
So something I'm wondering here (and this may just be me) is if the shade is actually talking, or is just speaking inside their heads. It may seem odd, but I've always associated italics with thought, or internal speech. So when you used only that for the shade's dialogue, that's the impression it gave me. I don't know if that was your intent, or not, but I thought I'd just throw a little comment out there. c: If you want him to be speaking out loud, perhaps the italics to show he has a different kind of voice and quotation makes would give his voice the proper feel?
Oh. So it's a voice in both of their minds? But not spoken out-loud. Um, how would Jay know that it's a voice in his mind? xD
None too assured.
ACTUALLY, objects in car mirrors are closer than they appear. xD
There's nothing more to be said on this chapter. >> I'd love to be able to give you a long review on this piece, full of brilliant advice and nitpicks. But there's just... nothing to talk about, nothing to critique. I love this chapter. The only issues I could see were minor technicalities, easily fixed by editing. If that's your only issue, you're going veryyy well. xD I'm gonna run along now to the next chapter,
and there had better be something to nitpickto hopefully review soon. Cuz, you know, I can't remain behind foreveh.~Darth Timmyjake
Hey Widdershins!
Oh man, a green room work! I feel myself getting closer to being all caught up, and it makes me get all the more excited of course :3 This was a pretty flawless chapter, and I like the idea of the mirrors and the shadow idea is pretty intriguing. I wonder who this mistress is going to be, and what sort of challenge she is going to pose... I know this is going to be good, and I can trust you on that. I also thought the way you described their appearances at the beginning intrigued me. I started to predict it was their reflections that were the ones talking in their minds, but the shadow idea is even cooler and less predictable as well!
I did find Jay to be intrigued by the idea of the shade following him, but I wanted him to be a bit more creeped out by the whole idea of it? I mean, this shade had intruded onto his shadow, a part of him or something that belonged to him that should always remain his and shouldn't change at all. But now even his shadow doesn't seem to belong to him. So in that case, I felt like he should've felt slightly used, and definitely a bit more afraid. My second thing I wanted to know about was whether or not Shep has a shade of his own, or is it just Jay's that is a shade? If so, why him?
Because the mirrors were annoying him so much, and when they heard voices in their head, I would've expected Jay to crack a mirror or something a bit more dramatic with the hairbrush. Maybe they would think it was in the reflections as well, and be disappointed when they could still hear the voice after destroying a mirror or something. A voice which would be likely amused at that point. But I seriously thought something drastic would happen a mirror and secretly still hope something could. Because having all those mirrors there are too tempting!
I don't have much else to say. I think you have done a great job here, and it leaves me picking at small things which don't really have to change if you don't want them to. On to my final chapter for tonight!
Deanie x
Ah you posted one more! I am going to sleep now actually. I will come back for the last two chapters soon ^^
Fantastic job composing this story, Widdershins! This is quite impressive indeed.
Your character development is excellent, and the story flows gracefully and elegantly - nice job with your characters and plot! Concerning your character development, I found no problems at all. Jay and Shep are fascinating, as their natures are entirely different. Jay, as we can see, is younger and more naïve than Shep, and he seems to have a lot more fears than Shep. Shep is interested by the nature of this glass maze, not intimidated by the fact that there seems to be something watching them, and is observant and quick to understand the situation. This contrast between your main characters adds a lot of depth to the events of the story, and it helps to make your story all the more vibrant and incredible. This is something that I always enjoy finding and reading in the stories that I read, because contrasting characters and their different opinions often lead to interesting conversation, as is the case here. The conversation you incorporate is wonderful, particularly those parts involving the shadow. It seems to have quite the personality, the way it manipulates the two and follows them. Essentially harmless, eh? I can understand why Jay is a little intimidated by that. XD
Your plot is also wonderful, and I found no problems there. The events are concise, organized, and impressive, and leaves me wondering as to what is going to happen next. Who is the mistress, and where is the sheep that they are looking for? You provided a wonderful plot that was suspenseful, surprising, and engaging, and this is something that I'd love to see in future parts of this story. Good job!
I don't really have anything to nitpick, save your usage of commas in the first paragraph:
"Clutching the hairbrush, Jay confronted a boy, around his age with dark, unruly hair and a wild, panicked look in his eyes. He too was clutching a hairbrush, and his friend, an old man with a short white beard was catching up behind him."
In the part of the first sentence, "Jay confronted a boy, around his age..." the comma doesn't really belong there. When I read through the sentence, it sounded odd to me, and somewhat disrupted the flow of the beginning of the story. My suggestion is that you could remove the comma, or break the part into two sentences. For instance, "Jay confronted a boy. The boy was about his age...." Or something like that. There are a lot of options and a lot of choices that you can work with concerning this part, of course, and you can decide whether or not to agree with me. Also, I notice that in the part "his friend, an old man with a short white beard was catching up..." a comma should belong between beard and was. In this kind of situation, the description of his friend should be separated with commas, as it interferes with the flow of the sentence and can be removed without altering the meaning of the sentence. It will also help to make the sentence more concise and flow better. Like before, of course, that's just my opinion, so you can decide whether or not to agree with me.
All in all, this is wonderful, and I am impressed! Great job!