Chapter 17
~850 words
“Cabot won’t be easy to find,” Jay said, after he, Shep, and Marc had left the library. “I wouldn’t know where to start looking. He has resources and connections. If he was able to get here this fast, he would be able to get away just as quickly.”
“Well it doesn’t matter where he is, because we’re not going to go looking for him,” said Shep firmly.
“We’re not?” Jay was surprised. Even Marc tilted his head as if it didn’t quite make sense to him.
“No. It would be a waste of our time, and it would probably end up as a fruitless chase anyway. Even if we don’t know where exactly we’re going to go, there are a few places I have still to check.” Shep shuddered a little. “But I kept putting them off for a reason.”
Marc nodded. “I know what sorts of places you mean. Where are you going?” asked Marc darkly.
“Well, it has always nagged at the back of my mind that the Traverse Mountains would be a perfect place to hide a sheep. But they aren’t the safest place, nor are they very comfortable. I do not relish the idea of climbing one, barring climbing them all to find one little sheep.”
“Aye,” said Marc. “I do not envy your journey. Where else will this search take you?”
“Well I was hoping to stop by Gozgarden on our way to the Traverse Mountains. See what has transpired since I left. It can’t be in a good state of repair, since its king is missing. Then I’m not sure where we’ll go.” Shep paused a moment, then turned to Jay and asked, “You are continuing your journey with me, are you not?”
Jay nodded, then said, “Yes. I don’t have anywhere else to go or anything else to do for the time being.” Then something tickled his remembrance, “Shep? I don’t quite understand. How is this city—Roma—doing so well without the king and queen?”
Shep’s eyebrows pinched together. “What do you mean?”
“Well if the country’s king is a sheep…” Jay made some inarticulate gesture.
Shep’s eyes brightened and he laughed a little. “Oh I see what you think. No, the provinces here each have their own king and queen or other government. One has a parliament, one has a democracy, but most provinces have kings. There is no one ruler over the country of Trevon, but the individual leaders from each province all get together to decide national things. There aren’t many national things that need attending to. For the most part, the provinces deal with themselves. Trade is the biggest issue.”
“What are the provinces? Which one are we in?” Jay asked. The sun was high in the bright blue sky that seemed framed by all the buildings.
“Well, there’s Juxton, Troy, Navis, Bolthru, Degon, Staruvia, Rochap, and Vonrut. Troy was where I found you, on that beach. The Scattered Isles is part of Juxton. We’re currently on Degon’s soil, but Roma is the capital of all Trevon so it almost functions like its own province. Almost. To get to Roma, we had to travel on the river that acts as a border between Navis and Bolthru. The Traverse Mountains are mostly in the Icy South, but there are a few in Rowchap, Staruvia, and Vonrut. Gozgarden is the city where Vonrut’s king and queen used to live. But unfortunately Gozgarden—and the whole of Vonrut—is in some kind of break down because the royalty has been turned into sheep.” Shep rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s a lot of name dropping for someone who has never heard of some of these places before.”
“Yeah,” agreed Jay. His mind was spinning with names, trying to pin down their locations. They passed a market stall where a man tried to sell them an amulet to keep away demons.
“Trevon only has three neighboring countries. To the west is Mystor. We went there when we had to travel to the Scattered Isles. They’re our friendly trading partners. To the east Grubania. We’ve never had very good relations with them. Our cultures are completely different, and they tend to be a violent, cheating sort. To the south is simply the Icy South. Not many people live there. To the north is just the northern ocean. Vast as the day is long.” Shep regarded Jay’s expression. “It’ll be easier if we ever find a good map.” Jay nodded. They were only a few buildings away from the inn they had spent the night in.
“So when are you setting off?” asked Marc.
“Well, I came here mostly to see that map. I was going to search for a sheep too, but I had forgotten how truly enormous this city is. I’ll poke my nose around to see if anyone has seen anything a little weird, but if I don’t hear anything by the end of today, I think we’ll prepare to set off tomorrow.
“Shame you couldn’t stay any longer,” said Marc, shaking his head.
Shep just sighed wistfully.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi, fortis! It's time for me to review!
Using both of these underlines phrases at once is repetitive. I would completely get rid of the last one.
Here are two options to make this better:
- Jay nodded, saying, "Yes.."
- Jay nodded slowly, then said, "Yes..."
I don't really know why those sound better; they just do to me...
"High" and "sky" make this seem like a line from a poem!
This sentence doesn't really make much sense. The sky is framed by the buildings? Wouldn't it make more sense the other way around? "Bright blue sky" could be written better, too, with a nice color synonym such as "sapphire," "indigo," "peacock," or "cerulean."
This was a good chapter for explaining everything about Trevon and the provinces it contains. It was interesting to learn that the royal sheep don't rule over the entire country, but a more defined area, and that area was in turmoil without their rulers. It was a lot of name-dropping, but I was assured by Shep's comment that I wouldn't have to know them all.
By the way, I was playing a random person on Words With Friends and their username was Shep with a bunch of numbers. I thought of Shep every time I played them!
Excellent job! It was a short chapter, but a great one all the same!
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I like this chapter a lot. One of the reasons I like it is because Jay is back in the picture. Like I said in my previous review, the past couple of chapters has been lacking in Jay thoughts, actions and all of that. I feel like this is a chapter that fits right in with the rest of the story. It flows well and really focuses on Jay a lot more. Not that the novel is all about Jay, but he's definitely a big part of it.
The other thing I like about this chapter is all of the information that we're given. Now, since I'm the last one to come review, again ><, I'm sure you've read a bunch of comments on the information that you give us here. But I'm going to talk about it anyway. I think it's good, very much needed. There is only a limited amount of knowledge that we have about this world that Jay is now a part of. So here we get a lot of answers and it helps us better understand. I appreciate all of this information and it fits in here very well. However, maybe consider slipping some of this information into the story earlier? It doesn't have to all have to be earlier in the story of course. Just slip it in here and there as we go along. I feel like that will help us really understand what this world is like.
Am I forgetting about the trolls or have they just not been mentioned for a while? They aren't mentioned in this chapter and they weren't mentioned in the last one either. I know that when you have a large cast of characters it can be harder to keep track of them all and keep them all invested in the story. But you have to keep them all engaged in the story somehow so the readers don't lose sight of them. Obviously you can't put them in every scene, but there should be a place where we can see where they are and what they're doing. Am I making sense or did I just ramble on for a while? I feel like I just rambled...
One character I'm left wishing that we knew more about is Marc. Sure he's only going to be in the story for a couple chapters (unless he comes back into play in later chapters), but it's still important for us to get to know him. Sure we know what he looks like and how he knows Shep, but what about his past? His personality? Okay, we know a bit about his personality. Honestly, I feel like he comes in very suddenly and then leaves very suddenly. Think about maybe adding some more details about him when you go through and edit.
Well, there's definitely more I ended up saying here then I thought I would. Sorry if this was a bit harsh and just very fix this, fix that. I'm looking forward to reading more chapters! (and giving you more upbeat, happily constructive reviews)
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy here!
And having Shep explain it to Jay was mucho brilliant, as well. Most people would have just given me a big long essay-ish explanation, but not you. I wasn't bored at all during your explanation, and it was very enlightening to the story. So yay!
Wow, you really gave us a lot of information in this chapter, but I assure you, it was all the right kind of info, and something we have been waiting to see for a while. It was really neat, the government you set up here. It's not unusual or so bizarre that we readers can't understand what the system is and how it works, but it's still original enough to lend some... originality to the system they have, and it gives the book some more!
This was kinda rough to read. Perhaps: We're not going to look for him?
This is pretty much tagging the speaker twice, when you have him nod in the beginning and then have the tag at the end... Pull whichever you want, because one of them can be feasibly removed without a problem.
This description seemed like it was just pasted in there, and didn't really have a place. I mean, think about it. You have all of our focus on the conversation, on their reactions--and then you throw some random description of the sun in there...
I really loved that part, with the whole amulet+demon thingy, but it seemed like it was rushed, and didn't have an end to the little scene. I mean, the guy went and tried to sell it to them... and then what? Did Jay buy one? Did he laugh at the ridiculousness at it? I think it would be a great place to make a reference to the fact that Jay is still not a part of this world. He is becoming so... slowly, but is still somewhat of an outsider.
I just love the fact that you use the old version of dialogue tags in your writing from time to time. <3 It's so purty...
So yeah. This was a pretty crummy review, but I can't think of anything else to say. All of their personalities are fleshing out, and Marc is becoming a very likeable character, really. It's all starting to come together, and I just gotta hang on! How many chapters you planning on making this book?
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi there Fortis!
So well done.
I am not really sure what to say for this chapter. It's pretty perfect in itself. And suspiciously, these chapters are getting shorter and shorter hm? I guess the only thing to expect is for my reviews to get shorter too (okay, okay that is just my excuse.)
What was good about this is that we got to learn a bit more about how this planet works and a question was answered that I hadn't even begun to consider yet. I can't believe I didn't even consider how the country was running without a King! Well, now I know and I think it's clever that you managed to slip it in there
What wasn't so good was that I got completely and utterly lost in that explanation that included all the names. In all honesty, even though you did point out it was a lot of names for someone unfamiliar, it still felt like an info dump and it was fairly overwhelming. Maybe you should have Shep stop himself at a point before it comes too much and say, maybe this is a little bit for someone who is unfamiliar with the area. That way it eases up on our brains a little.
I wonder... what is Shep's expression here? Is he worried that Jay won't come because he knows the dangers, or is he fairly confident he will because he has no where else to go. I know I am being nitpicky here, but it would be nice to have a little more here. Seeing as most of the chapter is information and decisions, it would be nice to have some information in there as well.
Why doesn't Shep ask Marc if he wants to tag along, seeing as they are one person down at the moment? It could be an idea, even if he does choose to decline...
Sorry this is so short
Deanie x
hehehe *likes review*
STAPH
*likes your review*
Hey, fortis, Happy Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Team Plasma For The Win Review Day!!!!! Some errors.
There's supposed to be a comma after "Well".
"Well it doesn’t matter where he is,"
This isn't a complete sentence.
"To the east Grubania."
This is all the errors I spied when I read this opus. I was confused at first, but your quick explaining and amiable characters swiftly got me acquainted with the setting, main idea, and characters. You're a natural at writing chapters, and the Green Room should be your next destination in life!
-wisegirl22
Hey, Fortis:) I know I've been a bit late on my reviews lately, but here one comes:) Here are my reactions as I read.
Wow. So Jay's acting like a strategist and actually thinking for once, analyzing Cabot's abilities. Impressive character development there:)
Yikes. Any place that Shep is scared to go makes me nervous about them going there. Shall someone die? Don't tell me either way.
Thanks for mentioning in this chapter the kingdom run by those who are now sheep. It's nice to see now mention that it might not be doing all too well. Especially when you elaborate on it with Jay calling to attention the same question I pulled on you last time:)
Overall, very nice chapter. I don't think I can find anything negative to say about this one, and I'm usually pretty good at digging around for some sort of flaw, so good work:)