~820 words (short, I know, and it needs work... I haven't had much time to sit and write)
While the William was getting the gold checked, Jay explained to Cabot what the money would be used for. He did this to let Cabot know what they would have to do, but mostly because Jay was really unsure what exactly they’d need for the journey. “It’s about Seven hundred dollars for an economic seat on a train from Chicago to Los Angeles. When we get there, we’ll have to ride the Red Line to get to Hollywood. We’ll have to rent a room in a hotel… oh gosh, we’ll need identification for that too. Well, maybe we can find somewhere else to sleep. We’ll need a bit of cash for food, a couple dollars per each of us per meal. Of course a lot of this depends on how fast we’re able to find the place where the dagger is located, and how fast we can obtain it.” Jay puzzled this out further in his head. This all sounded like he was leaving a lot of to chance and circumstance. There were too many variables to come up with a concrete plan. He groaned in frustration.
Cabot regarded him coolly. “Do we need to ask William for more money?”
“I don’t think so. I think we might end up with more than enough, but I can never be sure.”
“I’m sure it’ll work out in the end,” Fleta encouraged.
A few minutes later, William came back out. He was grinning and his suit seemed less rumpled than before. He ran his fingers through his light brown hair, and almost seemed to skip up. “They confirmed it’s real!” he squealed.
“Great,” said Jay, mind still working. “We’d like the money now. Cash.”
“I don’t carry that amount around with me,” the man started.
“Oh,” Jay interrupted, “that’s a problem. I have a question though.”
William seemed startled by this sudden change of subject. “What?”
“What exactly is the business situation you’re in, and are you free for the next week or so?”
“Well, my business—we make apps for smartphones—has hit a rough patch. What I mean is that no one is buying our products. I guess no one wants to play games about rotting fish... I came to Chicago for a business meeting about how we can improve our sales by merging with another company, but I said we weren’t interested in a merge. Now the head has placed it on me to single-handedly save our company, but I don’t know how. Your money would be a life-saver though. And yes, I’m kind of free for the next week, I just have to think up this impossible idea.”
“Perhaps traveling would kick start your inspiration. You can travel around, take a survey of what people need in different environments…” Jay tried.
To Jay’s surprise, William started nodding. “Yes, that would probably work. But where would I go?”
“Hollywood of course, that’s where they shape everything people think they want.”
“Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.”
Jay was surprised at William’s susceptibility to suggestion. He wondered what else he could get the man to agree to. “You should travel with us! We’re going to Hollywood. We can help you think up ideas for your app company along the way. Doesn’t that sound great?”
William nodded vigorously. “That can be my bit of extra thanks for this boosting money you’re giving me.”
“Yes,” Jay said. And you have proper identification, he thought. “So what do you say? Will you travel with us?”
“It sounds like just what I need.”
Cabot forked over the rest of the golden orbs, and William disappeared back into the huge building to exchange it. Cabot stared after him a ways. “How far away is this Hollywood place?”
“Like two thousand miles or so,” answered Jay.
Cabot gagged. “How long will it take us to get there?” he said, trying to recover his normally cool demeanor.
Jay thought. “Maybe a day and a half? I’m not sure. I don’t think the train goes right to Hollywood. My guess is it goes to Los Angeles first.”
Cabot looked at him blankly for a second before saying, “A day and a half? Two thousand miles?”
“Yeah, by train.” Jay observed with a kind of evil glee the confusion on Cabot’s face. Then he saw Fleta looking equally confused and straightened his expression. “The train is this huge machine that can go really fast, covering large distances in a short amount of time. It rides on metal tracks. You’ll see it when we ride it.”
Cabot turned away as if he knew all of that, but Jay could feel that he was still bristling with uneasiness that something like that could happen. In a while, William came loping back, his face red with the pleasure of a heavy wallet. “Let’s go!” he called, already heading toward Union Station. Jay, Fleta, and Cabot had to run to catch up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there!
Again, I don't have much to say. Your chapters are always short, which is fine really because the story is moving along very well, and there's barely anything I can find to comment on. You know me, I stay away from nitpicks, because they clog up my review, which just happens to be all that I can really find to comment on usually. So I'll try and focus on plot and characters and all that fun stuff.
First off, this whole novel is moving along very well. Like I've said many times in previous reviews, this is like one big, huge adventure. And I love it! The more adventure the better! I'm very excited to see them back on earth. At least for Jay, that is. I could care less about Cabot xD I'm sure I've said this so many, many times, but it'll be good for Jay to be back at his home. I think it's making him more brave and more determined to not let Cabot get what he wants. And like I've said before, he gets to be in charge. Anyway, I have to say, I totally didn't see this coming. I mean, I knew that Cabot knew that this dagger (it is a dagger, right??) was in Hollywood, but for some reason I was sure that he wouldn't actually go to Hollywood. Yet here he is.
I've always been a fan of Fleta. She's one of my favorite characters! Took me a while to warm up to her, but I like her. However, she has kind of disappeared now that they're on earth. What I mean by that is, I'm always forgetting that she's there. It's always important to keep all of the characters fresh in a reader's mind. I can understand that that would be harder with more characters. I have five in my novel and sometimes I forget to make sure I pay attention to all of them. But you have to make sure that they're there. They're our babies! We can't neglect them! My advice, give Fleta more dialogue. Or you could have Jay think about her more or notice what's going on with her. Then she'll be around more and it'll be easy for us to remember that there are three of them instead of just two.
Overall, this novel is going along very well! I too am super impressed that you've made it this far in your novel! It's a struggle, it really is. But sticking with the same story chapter after chapter 31 times is quite impressive! Congrats! I can't wait to read 30 more chapters
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Fortis!
I think it's awesome how long you have managed to keep up with this contest. Who cares if the chapter is short? Not me! At least you are writing what needs to be done, and weekly as well 
I will be keeping this review short because Timmy has mentioned basically everything I would probably say as well. I would agree with him when he says everything is just a bit too convenient for them at the moment. While I was reading this chapter, it was the first thing I picked up on. I won't go into detail because he has done that already, but I will just say I am backing it up 
I am back to read more of this
As for what I liked about this chapter, you aren't forgetting that everything is strange to Cabot and Fleta. In the rush of writing it is easy to forget that the two shouldn't know about the train or how fast it can go, but you've managed to convey it nicely here and you always remember to mention when they don't know how something works. I also liked seeing Fleta speak up a bit - she is one of the softer characters that I have mentioned feeling like she was less important, but you are bringing her into the story more and more, which makes me happy
This should be 'was really unsure of what they'd need for the journey'. One extra word added and exactly seemed awkwardly placed, so I pulled it out.
What do you mean app about rotting fish? It can't actually be about rotting fish because that wouldn't make sense - people don't build businesses on things that are likely to fall through from the start - so I felt this was a bit unrealistic. I am sure you could come up with something more believable. You could even add in some humor as well somehow to what the app is about and does, even though there is probably going to have to be a flaw in it because it's not selling. The mention of the app was something that really stood out to me.
I am sure I have mentioned it before, but with this journey the line of bad vs good has completely disappeared. Cabot was supposedly threatening Jay to come along and Fleta was a hostage, but now they feel like a team. This may have been intentional and exactly what you want for the story, but it also might've not been. Just make note of which track this is going. Also, I really feel like Shep and the sheep mission happened ages ago - we need reminders so that we can remember their real mission and about his old friends. They aren't mentioned enough amongst everything that is going on around them. Maybe that's something to include in the next chapter?
Otherwise - there aren't really any complaints of faults I can find that haven't already been picked out. Keep up the awesome writing, and don't stop posting!
Deanie x
Timmy here!
So I have a few things to get out of the way before I go onto any technical.
I have never said this before in any of the chapters I have written for you, but I feel as though I must say it for this one - as I haven't had this kind of alarm go off before when reading your works. In this one, it went off for me.
I just think that everything just *worked* too nicely for them. It was like the author of the story went and just decided to brainstorm and think of any possible ways to make the situation work, and just inserted something in the cracks, slapped it together with some putty and paint, and fixed the situation with Jay and the others getting to Hollywood. It isn't too bad, really, but it did grate on me a bit. Everything just seems to perfect, and it all slides together so wonderfully.... How the guy just automatically agrees with Jay when he proposes something to him, which quite honestly didn't sound like a very good plan to me.... Most people have families, most people have responsibilities to take care of, most people can't just run off to hop on a train in the blink of an eye - without looking after anything at home first. And how would going traveling help him discover how to help his company, except for spend some of that big wad of cash he has?
Quite honestly, the dude doesn't sound like much of a business-man to me, and someone shouldn't be put in charge of saving an entire company. I mean, come on. The guy is set in charge of "saving" the failing company, and he doesn't have a plan? I was like, whaaaaa? Why would the company have set him in charge of it if he hadn't gone and explained to them what he was going to do, how he was going to help them, and etc... I know I may be going to the extremes with all this, but when I read through his character, he didn't seem like a guy with a plan, but more of a guy that would create the apps - a nerdy kind of guy (I know most tech-guys aren't nerdy anymore. bear with. I do tech - build websites and such, and I dun even have the cool glasses!) - but more of a guy that would find people who can create the apps for him. While Hollywood may be the place to discover this rich new talent he is looking for
or other people to invest in his company, it doesn't really seem to be the place to get new ideas for apps. Not really. Unless it's Guess The Actress or something.One more thing in this chapter: Jay seemed somewhat of a know-it-all. I mean, he didn't act like one - all snobbish and everything, but he sure seemed to know a few too many answers to Cabot's questions for my taste, especially when it came to the entire deal with the train and--
--how he knew all about how to get to Hollywood, and what trains he had to take and everything. I mean, sure he used to live in San Francisco(?) and all, but I think he wouldn't have known that much, especially when it came to the trains. And if he did know that much about the trains (now that I think about it, he did fall off the train in the beginning of the book, right?), then make a mention there. The reader wants to know why Jay knows so much about trains, and what makes him an expert in that field.
And how did he know that. Seems a bit much for me there. He needs to be more uncertain about these things.
Okay, now. A few technicalities before I hit the road.
I think(?) that you're supposed to write seven-hundred with the hyphen, but am not completely certain. Either way, seven shouldn't be capitalized.
Comma after that
per is redundant there. Work on it and tweak the sentence so you can get only one per in there.
The best way to do an interruption is to actually have the character interrupt the other character, so like stopping midsentence in the dialogue, have an Em-dash at the end of their talking, and no character tagline - and then next character starts talking immediately. So something like this:
Or something similar. I hope you get my point.
Comma after question
So I liked the story and style in this chapter, even if I had a problem with characterization and some parts of it. It is a good chapter - don't get me wrong, I love it - but you were right about your author's note. It does need a tad bit of work in the places I mentioned. Not a lot, I think, but just a little bit of tweaking and clarification to get everything moving along smoothly and purdy once more. I do like how you dealt with their emotions and expressions at the ending, a whole lot, too. Especially when you had the part with Cabot regaining his composure, because that is so something Cabot would do, and it made me happy to see that part in there.
Keep writing (no duh, right?)
~Darth Timmyjake
"someday" XD
Yes all of this was so true and I agree all the way. I just gotta figure it out.
I am sure you will. ^.^ Even the best stories have their places to work on.