~919 words
William led them through Union Station, between all the crowds of people who were off to one place or another. The train station was a place where no one stood still. The floors were made of beige tiles, but mostly they were made of people’s feet, walking in every direction. They stood in line, waiting for their turn at the ticket counter. Jay heard a baby’s cry echo off the low ceilings. He noticed Fleta glance around. She must have heard it too.
It came to Jay that this was the perfect time to discuss things with Fleta. Cabot was obviously disconcerted about all the noise, people, and lights. He was still trying to act like he had the situation totally under control, but Jay could see right through this exterior to the doubts that nested at the center of him.
“I need to use the restroom,” announced Jay, and elbowed Fleta gently.
“Me too,” she said, eying Jay out of the corner of her eye.
“Okay, have fun,” said William absently as he waved a hand without looking. He was busy scrutinizing the departure time board.
“Don’t get lost,” Cabot warned. “I don’t want to have to go looking for you.”
As soon as they were out of sight, Jay turned to Fleta. “Okay, so the plan is that we go to Hollywood, find Cabot’s dagger, get back with him to Trevon, and somehow stop him from hurting anyone with that thing. Any questions?”
“Why don’t we just run away from him?” Fleta asked.
Jay could tell she already knew the answer deep down, but he answered anyway. “If we run, we might not be able to get back to Trevon.”
“But didn’t you get there somehow?”
“Like I said, I got there on a train, but there’s no saying I could rid the same train to get back. It might have only worked once, and I don’t want to take that risk.”
“That makes sense. Are you sure you’ll be able to find this dagger?”
“Well, the one I’m thinking of was used in an adventure movie called Total Vengeance. That movie was made by my favorite movie company: Three Pines. They operate out of a studio in Hollywood somewhere. If we can get into that studio, we may be able to find the dagger somewhere in a props warehouse,” Jay explained.
“Um, Jay?”
“Yes?”
“You keep talking about movies. What’s a movie?”
Jay laughed, but when he saw Fleta’s anger, he stopped again. “Sorry,” he said, “I keep doing that. I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at myself because I didn’t remember you wouldn’t know what that was. A movie is like… a story. No, it’s more like a play, which I guess is also a story. Anyway, imagine a play that could somehow be recorded. They add special effects, and music, and edit it so it’s all perfect. It’s like a really stellar play, but it’s all technology and light instead of live actors in front of you. Because of this, they can send the movie all over the world, so everyone can see it. The movie business is big.”
“I’d like to see one,” Fleta said.
“Maybe we can see one in Hollywood. Any other questions?”
“Haven’t we been gone a long time?”
“Oh. Yes it has, hasn’t it? Let’s go back. We can say the line was long.” They started to head back, but Cabot and William turned the corner before they could get there.
“There you are,” said William. “We were starting to get worried. Did one of you fall in?”
Jay forced a laugh and tried not to look guilty. “No, the lines were just long. It’s all cleared up now though, if you wanted to go. It might be your last chance before all you have is the train.”
“Good point,” said William. He and Cabot disappeared into the restroom.
“You’re sure you’ve got no other questions?” Jay asked Fleta.
“Yeah, one more. What’s a bathroom?”
Jay went bug-eyed. Then, even though he had tried to stifle it, he laughed.
“You keep laughing at me,” grouched Fleta. “I don’t like it. I’m not dumb, I’m just not from this world.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I was just realizing that if you don’t know what it is, Cabot doesn’t either. A bathroom is the place where you… relieve yourself. Needing the bathroom is a great excuse to get out of anything. See, there’s a room for each gender,” Jay gestured at the bathroom signs. “That’s the girl’s bathroom.”
“You do that inside?” Fleta asked, disgusted.
Jay had forgotten how bothersome it was to not have restrooms in Trevon. “Yes, why don’t you go see for yourself? The basins with the mirrors above them are for washing your hands.”
Fleta pushed open the restroom door slowly, almost as if she was afraid a monster dwelled within. Jay waited around. Soon, William was out of the men’s bathroom. Shortly after, Cabot came out too, looking amazed.
His amazement disappeared when he saw Fleta was gone. “Where did she go?” he asked, glancing up and down the hallway before staring down Jay.
“She… er... decided she wasn’t done yet.” Jay said lamely.
Cabot’s stare turned icy. “She’d better hurry up then,” he said.
Jay shifted uncomfortably, but it wasn’t too long before Fleta came out, a funny look on her face.
“Are we ready to go now?” asked William. “Our train leaves in a couple minutes. Let’s be on it when it does!”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there!
I totally understand what kind of image you were trying to make with this. But instead of that coming to mind, I imagined then walking on actual people feet that were like, severed and had stumps on the top o.o
Halloween is doing this to me, I swearSo, um, maybe instead say something about how Jay could barely see the floor because of all the people walking?Ahahaha oh my goodness, the bathroom scene was so hilarious! I seriously think I might've laughed as much as Jay did. And the fact that Cabot wanted so bad to act like he knew what was going on that he just walked in even though he didn't know what the heck it was. I truly needed a laugh today, fort. Thank you <3 (yes I'm sure that I'm the only one who thought that it was that funny because I'm sleep deprived and sick. Yay me)
Just like Deanie and timmy said, this chapter is great. There really isn't anything that I can point out that would really help you. It's written very well and really emphasizes how much of fish out of water Cabot and Fleta are.
Okay, I lied, I do have one thing. Why hasn't William tried to make small talk yet? Whenever you meet someone, especially a stranger or someone you don't know all that well, small talk most definitely develops. And I was sure that William was going to start asking where they were from and if they're all related and what Cabot does for a living. But he doesn't. And it's not like he's on his phone all the time making business calls or anything, he's right there with them and has every opportunity to ask questions. To be honest, I totally expect him to. That'll also make things harder for the three of them and probably cause more tension. What's an adventure without hardships around every turn?
I'm almost caught up!
I don't understand why it's always your novel that I'm behind onCan't wait to read more!Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi! Aravis here to review, representing the Wicked Squids!!!!! WARNING: I have not read the rest of your book. But I will try to give a helpful review anyway, without asking annoying questions.
When I read this, it came off as a very awkward sentence to me. Maybe it's the comma, maybe not. I can't decide why. I would just say that this would be better if it were reworded.Good things: Your dialogue was very well done. It did not seemed forced or awkward (except when it was supposed to be). Also, I like your scene structure. Your characters have a dilemma and then come to a decision. Many of the chapters I have read on this site seem to be lacking a defined scene arch so this was a refreshing change.
Nitpicks:
I had to read these sentences a few times before they made sense (which is not a good thing). I would suggest combining them to make it easier to read.
Other critiques: Um.......nope. Can't think of anything else.
So.......I will close with-Happy Review Day!!!!! Remember, "The skill to write comes from writing."
Yay! We got to see more Fleta!
This was an amazing chapter <3 I knew we'd reach a point where after Timmy's review there is nothing I can add. So instead of me gushing about how much I love it and calling it a review, I shall let someone who might be able to help take my place
I will keep reading!
Deanie x
Timmy here!
I thought this was super funny and the most realistic chapter yet. It all makes sense how Fleta and Cabot would be super confused about everything. I especially loved the part about the bathrooms. Okay, I remember something from some ole' history book about bathrooms and how they didn't like them indoors and other stuff... but this was too funny. Brought the whole piece some realisticity (true word. oh yes) to the characters from the other world, and especially showed us the difference between Jay and Fleta. Jay doesn't seem like he had to re-adapt to the modern world, but just slipped right back into where he knew he belonged.
I see what you meant with this? But then again, I didn't. I think you could go and change this sentence, tweaking it so that it doesn't sound like you completely contradict yourself. Maybe something like: The floors were made of beige tiles, but Jay couldn't see many beneath so many feet, walking in every direction - or something similar. You could write it so much better than me, anyway.
Comma after it
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that part. It's an absolutely amazing sentence, and says everything.
The reader doesn't know this until they get to the end of the chapter, when we learn that Fleta doesn't know about bathrooms, but wouldn't that be her first question when they get away from them? I mean, Fleta has no idea what a restroom is and Jay elbows her, telling her to say she needs to go too... and then once they're out of sight, she doesn't ask "what da hell is a restroom?" Seems kinda funny to me, especially since I don't think Fleta would care if Jay was trying to explain something to her or not. She would want to know what he was talking about. Right. Now.
technical: ride
It's always best to put the character taglines as close to the beginning of a characters spiel instead of the end. Because here, the reader doesn't have any idea who is really talking until they get to the end of his little speech. I also think Fleta wouldn't wait until he was done talking, but interject with her thing before he was done: "What's a movie now?"
Oh dear. Just what my dad tells me. xD
I thought that this chapter was one of the best you have written, and I just loved how it all revolved around the bathrooms. Because even though that's a little strange, it's so realistic and, well, funny... One thing I would have liked to see more in this chapter would have been some character actions during the dialogue, like Fleta glancing behind her when she asks "should we be heading back now?" or Jay making some actions while he was talking. Also, while they were chatting, I noticed their dialogue was very realistic and fun and all, but in some places, it did fall a little bit flat. I think the only places where that happens is when he is explaining the movies to her. And it sounded that way because he is talking like he's reciting some lines from a play or something, like someone handed him a sheet and he's just reading it out loud. It just sounded a tad flat. Perhaps if you had Fleta interject or something during his explanation, like people usually do (like she usually does), it may help things? I think? That was the only place I noticed where I had a dialogue problem. Otherwise, I think you had that part down pat.
Your style is really becoming more prominent, more so each chapter as we go along. They are also becoming suspiciously short. <.< What's with that? hmmm... I think it's probably just a time issue.
*wipes tears off face* I laughed so hard at this part. Oh dear. It was perfect. <3
That's all I have to say. This chapter was so perfect, it's too difficult to give a decent review. Well done.
~Darth Timmyjake