Chapter 34
~1,016 words
When they reentered their motel rooms, Cabot was watching the news.
“It took me forever to figure out what that thing was, and how to use this thing,” Cabot said, gesturing to the television first, and then to the remote. “I’ve learned that Earth is a horrible place, and that you Earthians should not be entrusted with making things with buttons. You’ll for sure make it too confusing for even the smartest of people to figure out.”
The TV was showing scenes from a fire in down town Los Angeles. They were blaming the Mayor who had decided that it was a good idea to strike the law requiring all skyscrapers to have helipads. Jay didn’t see how it could be the Mayor’s fault that there had been a fire unless he was the one who had set it.
Jay tore his eyes away from the screen and said, “Sounds like you’ve had a productive time, Cabot. What’s our plan for tomorrow?”
“The studio responded to my message,” said William. “They said that we can start our tour as early as eight thirty. I said that would be a great time. You kids think you can get up that early? I know about teenagers and sleep.” He winked.
“Yeah, for sure,” Fleta said.
The news on TV flashed to commercial. “How do I know if my tooth paste is doing enough for me?” a blonde woman asked her toothbrush. William pulled the remote out of Cabot’s hand and turned down the volume.
“What is the tour comprised of? How long is it?” asked Jay.
“Well, from what I gather, it’s rather open-ended and unstructured. They show you around, and then you can ask questions. I get the feeling that they don’t do too many tours.”
“Sounds good,” Jay said.
“Why do you guys want to visit this studio in particular?” William asked.
Jay glanced at Cabot who shook his head almost imperceptibly. “Oh they’re just my favorite movie company, and as I was telling Cabot about it, he became interested as well.”
Fleta coughed a little bit, and William made a noise like “Hrm.” But he said nothing else after that. He didn’t get a chance to.
“Is that you, Jay?” Fleta asked, pointing to the television. Jay’s school photo from last year had appeared on the screen.
William narrowed his eyes and turned the volume higher. The news caster was saying, “…and if you have seen or have any information about the current location of Jason, please contact your local authorities. It never feels good to be a parent with a missing child, and Jason has been away from home for a long time.”
William snapped off the television. The silent moment that followed was the most unbearable noise Jay had ever heard. William slowly turned his head to face Jay, staring him down with a penetrating look. “You’re that kid that they’ve been looking for for weeks. Why aren’t you home? Why am I helping you? Oh my- What if they’ll suspect me as an accomplice?” William was no longer staring at Jay, rather he was staring through him as dread and realization dawned on his features.
Jay’s mind worked furiously. Could he pretend that he was different from the Jason on television? Maybe convince William that it was all a big mistake? A big joke? Maybe that his home life was horrible and it was good he was running away? No. None of that would work. Sweat ran down Jay’s forehead. Then, he started to hatch a plan.
“You need to go home,” William finally said. “But first, you need to call your mother.”
Jay hung his head. “Yeah, I know.”
William turned to Cabot, which surprised Jay, who though William was going to march him right over to the telephone just then. “And who are you Cabot? You are certainly not his uncle.”
Cabot looked panicked. He stared wide-eyed at first William, then at Jay.
“He’s-” started Jay, but William cut him off.
“No I want to hear it from the man himself. Stop making a boy cover for you, Cabot.”
“I’m just his friend.”
“Right.”
“It’s true!” said Jay.
“This little group here has always been strange. And you, missy? Is someone missing you too?” William asked Fleta.
“No. No one misses me.” Fleta said flatly.
William seemed dissatisfied, but turned back to Jay. “Go call your mother.”
Jay stepped stiffly over to the telephone on the small table in the corner. He dialed the number of his cellphone, which he knew was somewhere at the bottom of an ocean on Trevon. It had fallen out of his track pants after the conductor had thrown him into that strange world. The tone sounded four times, then an automated machine asked him to leave a message.
“Hi Mom, this is Jay. I’m fine, no one kidnapped me or anything. I’ll call tomorrow. Don’t worry. I’m fine. I’m with a nice man who made me call you because I ran away. Call you tomorrow when I know you’re home. Bye!” Jay hung up. “She’s never home on Tuesday nights. She’ll be home tomorrow though. I’ll call her then.”
“And I want to talk with her when you do.” William said. “Get some sleep: we’re going home tomorrow.”
I knew it, thought Jay. He half-nodded, but then he saw Cabot’s eyes watching him, burning. Jay gulped. “Aw, but can’t we just go to the studio first? We traveled all this way just to go there.”
“Please William? Then we’ll go straight home.” Fleta looked up searchingly into William’s eyes.
William shifted uneasily from foot too foot, scratched his neck, and cleared his throat. He looked between the pleading eyes of Jay and Fleta. Then his shoulders slumped. “Fine. But straight home after that. Now get some sleep. I don’t want to hear a peep out of you till morning. We have a hard day of travel ahead of us tomorrow. We have to get you home.” He gave Jay one last, hard look before turning away and muttering, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there!
Yessssss! Jay's decision to run away backfired on him. I knew that at one point his mother was going to say something and try to find him. Looks like that time is now. Actually, who knows how long she's been looking for him. This is the first time that they've even turned on a tv and had a chance to see any kind of missing persons report. I'm so glad that you've finally revisited this. I mean, I understand that it didn't really fit into the story yet and that's okay. You'd have a very discouraged Noelle if you went through the entire novel without putting out a missing persons alert for Jay xD
Hm. I thought I would have more to say about this chapter, but I really don't have anything else to say. You've been doing such a great job with this story, moving the plot forward and making sure we're keeping up with all the characters at the same time. This chapter is no exception. Jay is now in trouble because William knows that he's a runaway. Of course he'd still take them to the movie set before taking him home. There has to be a way that they get the dagger.
Okay, I lied, I do have something to say after all. William seems to be mad at Jay, but not so much mad at Cabot and Fleta. In fact, he just takes Fleta's answer that no one misses her. After seeing that Jay is really a runaway, I feel like he'd be more suspicious about Fleta after hearing about Jay. And he seems to just accept that Cabot is Jay's friend. I don't know, he just seems a bit too accepting of the cover story. Just my two cents.
I can't wait to see what happens now! I know I say that after every chapter, but it's true :3 Every chapter gives us something new to think about and I think this is the one with the greatest reveal. I'm sure the relationships that I just said were working well will fall apart again. Fun fun :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Fortis!
Ooh I didn't even think about the fact that his family might be on television looking for him as well. I totally forgot about all that >< Which makes me even happier to see that you have included it yourself! It was clever of you to do so. I also think William's reaction to matter makes a lot of sense. They really have put him in quite a precarious position, and it is one where he now needs to trod carefully. In fact I am surprised he even let them stay the night and didn't get too angry but to simply question them all. More things are being turned out of their way to stop them from getting to the studio, but Jay always seems to be steering them back on track. Cabot better be grateful for having him there, and it's probably the smartest thing he has done in all his villainy.
There was one question asked that William didn't ever receive an answer to and acted like he didn't need one to it either, which was weird. I thought he would be the kind of person who wanted to know why Jay had even opted to run away, and especially why he was running with these people. He knows they aren't who they say they are, but motive always seems to be a key thing. Yes, question their identities, but for all William knows they could be planning something a lot more sinister than a simple running away. I just thought he might probe deeper into asking questions about that.
He also doesn't find it odd that Jay's mother doesn't answer the phone? I mean, I don't know anyone who has had a missing child, but I have the feeling that if they gave a number in case someone found him they would be attached to that phone at all times. Who would want to accidently miss a call that would bring them their lost child? No one! I would at least find it suspicious that there is no answer. Maybe William doesn't consider this at all, but perhaps you should make Jay think about it and pray his idea will work anyway. I just feel like it is worth mentioning to add to the realism of the story.
I know Cabot isn't meant to know what any of those "things" are, but he did use that word three times in the same paragraph! How about making the second use of the word thing into 'this' instead, because it would still make sense. And possibility alter the third one as well so it reads as "objects with buttons" instead, which is basically the same meaning with different wording.
When William says teens need more sheep, Fleta says she will be fine getting up. But the thing is, in my mind Fleta is too old to pass as a teenager and the only person who seemingly can is Jay because he is one. In my head Fleta and Cabot are way older. Or am I confusing things? Who are the teenagers and adults in this novel? And if I am confused than maybe this part needs cleaning up a bit more so it easy for everyone to understand.
I found it strange that Jay didn't feel anything at all when he saw his worried family on the television talking to him. Does he feel anger at Cabot for starting this mad goose chase that might fail him anyway and make him lose his friends for all, or does he feel guilt at seeing his emotionally torn down family speaking tender words and pleading for his return. There is only so long a family can go without each other and I feel like Jay should learn a lesson like that one there.
I have a thing for writing short reviews lately... but I honestly cannot find anything more to review about. Keep up the great work. I am only finding minor hours this time round because your writing has improved since the beginning of this challenge. Looking forward to read the next part
Deanie x
Timmy here!
Talk about turning the tables! I realized in this chapter how easy of a time they had been having of late, and how it all came down to this. William now knows who they are - or really, who Jay is. He may never know anything about Fleta or Cabot, because their lives and home is too abstract for William. I think it was about time he made his doubts known, and this just became the opportune time for him to discover who Jay was, and why he was running about the country without parents. I think having William take charge in this seemed like him, and fit his character like a glove. He always did seem like the kind of guy who would do what was necessary, and not waste words doing it. I like him. He has a sense of duty and justice about him, but is still a softie in many ways - like allowing them to see the tour, even though he had discovered who they were. No doubt he knows now that their reason isn't just to bring home pictures and souvenirs. Perhaps he will just bide his time. We'll see.
Cabot, can you say that oneee more time? what, what? I think you have a word that shouldn't be there - or at least should be a different word entirely.
Comma after oh
William, you silly, silly man. You don't snap televisions off. You turn them off. Mucho bigo differencio.
Well, that is a bit backwards.... At first I wasn't certain about the oxomorym in there, but I have decided that I LIKE IT. So you can keep it. Blah, blah, blah. Post it on the front of the Capital Building. Timmy approves.
I think you can really just ditch this sentence, because if you think about what it tells the reader, you don't need it. What does it tell me? Well, to me it says that Jay has a plan. That is great - wonderful. But the following paragraphs do exactly the same thing as this one sentence, except they show that he has a plan - not just tell. This is telling us he has a plan. The following moments when he calls his own cellphone and begs William? That is show. So another case of showing versus telling, and showing should win this time.
Comma after you
Comma after you
technical: the boy, not "a" boy.
Because Jay was talking to his mother (well, his own phone - but whatever), and then turned to talk to someone else, you need to have an action which states so. Then the reader can pinpoint who he is talking to. So, talks to phone. Jay swam over to Nemo. talks to Nemo. Like that.
usage of colon=weird to me. I don't know if that is one of the ways you can use it for or not, but it seemed rather odd. I have always though that a colon is something which begins a list. Like so. Timmy needed many things from the store: explosives, rotten flowers, superhero movies, ect.... Now I am not certain if the way you're doing it is incorrect or not, but it certainly seemed so. Perhaps you meant a semi-colon?
Comma after please
technical: foot to foot
So one last thing I will mention before I go is to make sure that they would have Jay's face on the television. If you think about all the kidnapping and running away that happens in the US, I do find it a little hard to believe that they would happen to be there are exactly the right time to see his face - and when there are so many kidnappings and runaways to choose from, he would pop up. I am not saying it's unbelievable, and since I don't really watch TV, I wouldn't really know? But I am just putting up a striped, orange and lime green flag to let you know that youuu need to make sure, if you haven't already.
I really don't see anything else I can nitpick except for that little stuff I pointed out in my run-through. That is one thing I always find with your works - technical nitpicks, and not much else. You have a way of paying attention to details, as does Jay. Your writing style seems to fit the character all too well. I actually enjoyed this chapter more than any of the rest, and it was because it held the most character struggle, and the most tension of any. William just found out about them being not who they said they were... and so there is going to be a few issues.
Well done. Enough said.
~Darth Timmyjake
I Love this story! Right from the begining your writin pulled me in, probably because I love reading about people from another world coming to ours. (Sci-fi) Your writing is (thank god:) legible, and the only problem I see is a few places where you good have used a differant word instead of repeating. Such as "...what that thing was, and how to use this thing". You could have said ... use this device. Other than that there is only the accasional spelling error.
PS. Write a new addition soon ><
U
This is a very well throughout out that has been write very well. I really enjoyed it right from the beginning and could not stop reading it. Just one suggestion that more figurative language could be included in order to make it flow and sound better. This could be in the form of a metaphor, simile or personification just to name a few. Well done., Over a very entertaining piece which has been written very well. Keep up the good work. You will need to write the next story I cannot be held in suspense,. I am currently waiting for the next chapter it is just that good.