~867 words
Soon Shep reappeared without the Enchantress. He looked disoriented for a moment, squinting in the bright sunlight. He looked around for Jay and the others. When he spotted them, he grinned. "You ready to begin looking for sheep again? The Enchantress promised us a free round-trip ride to wherever we want. Fleta, where did you leave Reyus? Did he recover well?" He started picking his way through the ruins, marble fragments strewn everywhere.
"An old lady back on the Scattered Isles is probably taking care of him, I hope," Fleta responded, finding flat places to place her feet so she could meet Shep midway. "And yes, he had recovered quite well when I left him."
"Good, good. You think you could find your way back there again? We left the rest of the sheep back in the town near the mountains in the south. The trolls can go with you to pick up Reyus, Jay and I will go back to the Icy South. The Enchantress will transport us back here after two suns have set, so you must hasten to obtain the sheep. When we rendezvous, we will begin a trek to Roma. It is not far from here." Shep looked out at small foothills far in the distance.
"Will we have to cross those mountains?" Jay asked.
Shep jumped a little as if he hadn't realized Jay was there. "What? Oh. No, not to get to Roma. We will have to cross them eventually though, to get to Gozgarden. Is every one set with what they're going to do?"
"Can I go to the nice, cold mountains in the south while you guys toil up in those muggy isles?" Fleta complained.
"Only you know where this old lady is, Fleta," Shep said, smiling.
"I know, I know," Fleta mumbled. "Let's just get this over with."
"Any other dissent, perhaps from Jay, Gilfred, or Godfrey?" They shook their heads. "No? Good."
And with Shep's words, Jay felt a blast of cold air, reminding him that he could have had to hike down the mountain in little more than a sweatshirt and jeans. "That Enchantress is sure nice." They were on the outskirts of the little mountain town. Jay could see the inn where they had stayed on their previous visit. It looked impossibly shabby and worn down. Jay though it was probably because he had spent so long on Earth looking at pristine buildings-- or at least ones that had used machinery to build them rather than a hammer.
Shep snorted. "Nice is not quite the word I'd use to describer her, nor would I think she would appreciate being called nice. She mainly serves her own purposes, seeking entertainment where she can find it." They started toward the inn, avoiding the swampiest parts of the ground.
"Is that why she was in league with 'Cabbie'?" Jay said, almost laughing at the ridiculous nickname.
"That would be my best guess, yes. She didn't reveal to me her reason for that." Shep shrugged.
Soon, they approached the inn. Salim, the innkeep, looked up from polishing the counter top. "Welcome back to the land of the living, Shep!" he called. "Most of us though you had died."
"You weren't far from the truth then," Shep said, rubbing his back and wincing a little. "We've come back for the sheep."
"Ah, yes." Salim disappeared into the kitchen. Jay assumed there was a back door through there. "Drinks?" Salim called from the kitchen.
"Please," said Shep.
Salim eventually reappeared, producing two earthenware mugs full of fruitwash, and a bowl of soup which he placed in front of Jay. "I remembered you liked it," Salim, winking, but Jay thought he looked a little on edge. His eyes kept shifting around like he was afraid someone was about to burst through the door with a machete.
"Thanks." Jay inhaled the aroma of the rich, buttery soup, seasoned with spices he had never tasted on Earth. "I loved this soup."
"How much do we owe you?" asked Shep, pulling out a coin bag.
"Oh nothing, nothing at all. My treat." Salim said hastily.
"And for watching the sheep?" Shep asked, raising an eyebrow.
Salim froze.
Jay and Shep stared. The fingers of dread were at it again in Jay's stomach.
The innkeeper started laughing weakly, and rubbing his neck. "Yeah... about those sheep? They weren't that important, were they?" He started retreating to his counter.
Jay choked a bit on the soup. A storm collected on Shep's face. "What happened, Salim?"
"Well..." he started, staring at his reflection in the polished counter.
"Well, what?" asked Shep, starting to rise from his seat.
Salim had evidently found a smudge on the counter, because he started furiously attacking one spot. He refused to meet Shep's eyes. "They... aren't here any more."
Jay expected Shep to explode at the revelation, but instead, he glided over to where Salim stood. "Where are they?" he asked calmly. He lifted Salim's chin so their eyes met.
"I- I don't know!" Salim blustered, and stepped back from Shep, his eyes looking haunted."
"When were they taken?" Shep inquired.
Salim paused, locking eyes with Shep. "Just a few moments ago."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heya Widdershins!
Today is definitely not going as planned. I have even less time than I assumed I might to be reviewing. At least I am narrowing down the gap here... slightly :/
IT WAS EITHER CABOT OR THE ENCHANTRESS OKAY
I know they took the sheep! I knew they were either being too kind or letting things go too easily, and now they are back and wanting revenge. I think it is most likely Cabot who has done this, and he may or may not be in cahoots with the Enchantress. Things have gotten exciting. I was wondering if the story was going to slow down after the event on earth and all because it was starting to seem like the climax. But you have started to pick up the pace right here again, and that makes me very happy. I can't wait to see how they go about solving this problem now, and it seems like we're in for a whole lot more.
Wait, wait, I am a little bit confused! Is Fleta leaving them at the moment to go and get the baby sheep, or is she simply saying that she wants to go back there now and find the sheep? I know she adores the cold and everything, but isn't it cold enough where they are? Wouldn't she rather be spending her current time with Shep, the person she sees as a best friend and has almost ended up dead? Yep, I know I would be spending my time with him. So if she is leaving, I would advise you make that not the case anymore.
Again, I am going to briefly repeat something from the previous review. But they are still going ahead with whatever the Enchantress says is going to happen and sees it as something good! I mean, they even joke about the fact that she seems to have her own motives for everything she does, and none of them thought about it and wondered what her motives for helping them might be? Because at the moment it seems it would be safer for the group if they didn't gamble by allowing her help but went about their troubles their own way. After the remark mentioned, I found it strange no one thought about the above mentioned.
Another thing I am mentioning again that was in a previous review. I think that they are still underreacting to everything that has happened! They are all talking so casually as If none of the crazy things that happened before were significant or life changing in any way. But they were! I feel like there should've been more emphasis, but I have mentioned this already
I want to hear a bit more from the trolls. Since they were rescued I think I have only had one line said from each of them. I know Shep, Fleta and Jay are basically the main characters of this story, but we do need to remember that the trolls are along for the ride as well. Don't forget to take in all the characters when you are writing. Think about who is in what scene, what they are thinking/feeling/doing in the scene and where they are doing it. Then make sure you let the reader know exactly this about each and every character be it through narrative, dialogue or something else. We need to be aware of all the characters!
That's all I have for this chapter! Hopefully I can squeeze in one more chapter tonight!
Deanie x
Agh, no time tonight :/ I will get to them soon, sorry!
It's coo.
It's all coo.
*is a pigeon*
Hi there! Noelle again for another Review Day review!
I'm just kidding, I don't hate you
Drat it all, you did it again. Is this your New Year's resolution or something? To write plot twists and cliffhangers so your readers will hate you?
that much.Only because everything was going great and now it's just all fell apart. I guess I should've expected something like this. I mean, getting all the sheep on the first try is just too simple.I feel like this part is more written from Shep's POV than Jay's. The first two sentences are fine, but then you get into how Shep is looking around. If it was written from Jay's POV, it would be more along the lines of him wondering what Shep was looking for, then realizing he was looking for them because he grinned when his gaze landed on them. Or you could have Jay assuming that Shep's looking for them. Either way, it has to come through Jay's eyes.
Well then, looks like we're picking back up exactly where we left off. They're jumping right back into getting the sheep together and solving that problem. I think that's totally awesome. And it makes total sense. Jay and Fleta are the only ones who went on this grand adventure. Shep and the trolls were frozen that whole time. I'm guessing they unfroze and felt like no time had gone by and nothing bad had happened. Of course, I wouldn't expect them to just stop looking for the sheep because of Cabot and his silly adventure. It is kind of strange though that Jay and Fleta aren't more concerned about Cabot or at least a bit annoyed with the fact that they went through all of that for nothing.
Now that we're back to the whole thing with the sheep, I hope we won't lost sight of Cabot. His part in this story just doesn't seem finished. The Enchantress will probably soon become a big part of this as well, but it'll be nice to see Cabot as well. I can see him wanting revenge and taking the sheep. Or maybe it's the Enchantress making things harder for Shep. Who knows. I actually have to wait to see what this cliffhanger ends up to be >< Boo.
Overall another great chapter here. I'm super impressed with how consistent you have been with this since the beginning. I've mentioned the adventure so many times so you know how I feel about that. Your writing is just as wonderful. There's definitely a certain style you've tagged for this and it's apparent in each chapter. I read a new chapter and get exactly what I expect from it. I like that in a novel. I don't want to feel like each chapter was written differently. I want the chapters to flow and sound/feel like all the others. That's what I get from your novel.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy heeeeere :3
A bit late, but I am here now so you can keep your complaints to yourself and just accept that I'll be late every time because I can't help mawself sometimes because I get this backload of pieces on Sunday to review
and if you posted yours earlier, you would be reviewed soonerand this is a run on sentence without commas and I dun care. ANYWHO. Where was I before you interrupted? Ah, yes. Manhattan. Let's go.um wut is dis im so confused. So when I read this part, joined up with the dialogue and the other part of the scene (and taking the past chapter into account because they flow together rather well), I'd say this was about fourteen dollars and seventy-three cents worth of description. And we need at least one hundred smackeroos here. So step up with this part, and give us a description we can hang onto. He picked his way through what ruins? I had no idea they even existed
or that you possible could have written that expensive description in the past chapter. It just needs perhaps a few sentences more. Too much description is better than too little. Because, your readers may be snoring by your describing of the snails crawling on the rocks, but at least they'll have a picture. Sometimes it feels as though I'm walking through a two-dimensional world in your novel, even though the description you do have is wonderful. So don't be afraid to over-describe. Those superfluous parts or just that which is overdone can be removed in later edits.This sentence needs just a bit of help, because as it stands, it's a bit disjointed. Mainly because you're missing conjunctions or some other thing to join the two halves together.
oh dear. This, this was evull. I almost didn't see that they had gone to the town. They were on the mountaintop, and then - boom. On the outskirts of the town. While I like the exhilarating and speedy feeling that came with it, it was so detail-free that I felt as though I was robbed. That, and I almost missed it altogether since there was so little to go off of. I would say that you should use this as like your foundation for this part of the chapter, and build off of it. The blast of cold air was a good description of what happened when he was transported to the city, but even that felt as though it needed more. Oh, and when I read it, the part about the "Enchantress is sure nice" part seems to stand out in the paragraph, and doesn't fit. As a piece of dialogue, it feels fine. Perfect. Something Jay would certainly say, I think. But perhaps start a new paragraph? That may also help build the transition from the one location to the next without the hitch that I see now. Just work on building up the transition between the two scenes (mountain and town), and see if you can flow them together instead of the disjointed way they read now. c:
Since I need to fill my review with something else.When you're doing things like this, don't have a bit or sort of - words/phrases such as that. Because they weaken the rest of the sentence. A bit means he didn't actually choke on it, but was more like just, you know, a teensy bit of choking. Like maybe he had to clear his throat and all better. Try going for an effect, and especially at a part such as that (o.o that part was very sudden bad news), I think you could use the choking on his soup sentence to more potential.That ending. o.o This was a perfect and mean ending of the chapter, and one just what
a rude author would dowill make a good climax of your book. You did say it was approaching, and perhaps this will be the final confrontation between them and whoever is out to stop them. Perhaps Cabot? He seemed a bit out of the picture, at least for a while, but I am not one to underestimate him. Heh, I've done that before and watch out! He's liable to get you when you don't expect it. Anywho, that was the perfect ending and I loved it - even though I wanna strangle you at the same time. Oh, and -Yes, that extra quotation mark looks quite lovely, but could you find a different place for it? Gosh. hehe
I found this chapter to be refreshing, and one of your best in a long while. I especially liked the conversation with Salim, because it read so visually - being able to see their reactions and especially Salim's facial expressions as he talked. Loved it. And while I would have liked to see a teensy bit more description throughout, but especially when entering the inn and after being transported to the town, I thought you described a good picture for us, too. Now I just gotta wait for next chapter. MEH
~Darth Timmyjake
Um... it says "without" xD
no, actually they were on the mountain top, the Enchantress didn't like the cold, so she brought them to one of her destroyed temples in a sunny area, then offered Shep passage to wherever he wanted, and he chose to go to the town at the foot of the mountains. So yes, it was a little "boom" but that's because magic was involved.
Are you serious? I do that all the time lol.
Anyway, thanks for the review. ^-^
uh-oh. Now I feel stupid. xd I'm sorry about that. :/ Now I feel like going in and revising my review. xD
Yeah, about the boom. Like I said, I thought the boom was good because magic was involved, but it happened so fast, I almost missed it completely. So if you could put more detail and still get the boom across to the reader? I dunno.
WAIT. Didn't you just do a cliffhanger, like, two weeks ago where Cabbie is about to slice up Shep? o.0
(I'm just curious, but was that whole part about the destroyed temple in a sunny area in the book? Perhaps the chapter before this? If so, I'm sowwyyy)
Yup. My magic doesn't have sparkles. If you're gonna get transported somewhere, you're suddenly there. No magical winds and a slurping sensation. But yeah, I'll see if there's some way to make that clearer.
The destroyed temple was in the northish area (read: hot, because southern hemisphere stuff), and the Enchantress likes to hang out there because that is her temple. People used to worship her (she's OLD) but then they forgot, and now her temple is in ruins.
I can't remember if I put that in the last chapter or not now. *too lazy to check* But I certainly meant to if it's not there.
Okay. Looks like you have it all figured out. xd I don't remember those details, but since I have a horrid memory, don't count on me. heehee