Shep and Jay worked together to haul the sheep up out of the altar pit. It cracked open an eye and gave a weak bleat.
"Who would have thought that one of the missing sheep would have been right where Cabot led us?" said Jay.
Shep pat the sheep on its head and coaxed it to stand. The rest of the sheep came over to nuzzle their greetings. "If I'm not mistaken," he said, "we're trapped."
Jay spun around. The only exit seemed to be the ramp which they had slid down. Shep and Jay checked the walls just to make sure they weren't missing anything. The walls were smooth and gray, leaving no cracks or trace of a door. "What do we do?" asked Jay. He started to feel panicky, but he reassured himself that Shep knew what he was doing. Hopefully.
"Let's try to run up the wall we came down," Shep suggested, although his face looked like he wanted to do anything but that. Jay went first, jogging easily up the first couple yards, but eventually his feet began to slip on the steep incline, and he couldn't ascend any more.
"I had hoped it might have turned into a staircase by some magic if we had gotten far enough, but that looks unlikely now," said Shep. "We need to check all routes of escape. Perhaps one of us should poke around in that room beneath the altar?"
Jay volunteered, remembering that Shep was probably not as fit and limber as he seemed at times. He vaulted the side of the altar and dropped down into the dark cavity. Here, it seemed, the magical blue light didn't glow. It was hard to see his own hand in front of his face. He looked up to see Shep looking down at him.
"See anything?" called Shep.
"No. I don't think there's anything down here. Help me back up."
Shep's face disappeared from the rectangle of light overhead.
"Where are you going? Help me up!" Jay yelled. He heard a grating of stone on stone, and, to his horror, the rectangle of light shrunk, inch by inch. Shep was putting the cover back over the altar! He was betraying him, after all this time! Jay scrabbled at the walls, trying to find a finger-hold to climb out with, but the walls were smooth and slick. He watched helplessly as the last light he would ever see was closed from his view, and the altar lid snapped back into its original position with a foreboding crunch. The crunch seemed to work through the walls of the altar-prison, and Jay could feel it resonate in the floor.
Jay could hardly believe what had happened. He was alone and Shep, who had done so much for him during his time in Trevon had betrayed him. Tears started to form in his eyes. When he went to brush them away, he noticed a cut on his hand from when he had tried to climb up the sloping wall. So much for sacrifice for a friend, the thought. And then, wait. I can see this cut. Where is the light coming from?
He turned around and found light filtering in through some cracks, that made up the shape of a door. Jay placed his shoulder against the wall and pushed with all his might. There was at first a creaking moan, and then, a shattering that sounded like splintering icicles. The door fell outwards, into the bright light of a cold, snowy day. Jay blinked up at the bright gray sky in surprise. Could Shep have known that would happen? Maybe he didn't betray him at all! "Shep!" Jay called into the cave. "Shep, it worked!"
There was a grumble as the altar lid was removed. "It did? Oh thank goodness! I'm sending the sheep down."
Five woolly sheep were standing next to Jay when Shep jumped down, landing hard.
"Why didn't you tell me what you were doing?" Jay demanded, as Shep straightened up his robes.
"It didn't occur to me until the last second, and by then it seemed to crazy to even mention out loud. I'm glad it worked though. I hope I didn't frighten you."
"Well, you did."
"I'm sorry," Shep said, turning to look Jay straight in the eye. "I would never do something like that if I didn't think there was a purpose. I'll try really hard to never do something like that again without telling you my plan first." His voice was as calm and sincere as a lake at dawn. Jay was almost alarmed at the earnestness of it.
"You are forgiven," Jay said, trying to match Shep's solemn demeanor.
"So," Shep said with a smile and a clap, "Where did Cabot and Salim go?"
"Back to the Inn. Salim thinks Cabot has some kind of infection that made him go mad."
"We should catch up with them, then. Wouldn't want to miss any dramatic moments." Shep winked.
Jay groaned but hid a secret smile. This was what he liked most about Trevon: there was always an adventure happening somewhere.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there Widdershins!
Happy review day!
I am coming to see that these later chapters are pretty short which might make for some pretty short reviews in return, so I apologise for that but warn you hand up. Okay, as for this chapter...
I did wonder how they were going to get out of this place. And they seem to have solved that without too much of a hiccup although we did get to see Jay's moment where he felt terribly betrayed by Shep. I kind of liked that touch as well, and how readily Jay was prepared to believe it. I do think this tells us a little something about him as well. Putting that aside I liked how they worked as a team, once again, to try and solve the problem they were in. I wonder what their adventures will bring them next. As the last sentence of this chapter perfectly summarized, there never seems to be a dull moment here.
When Jay was in his panic about being betrayed, the situation didn't last for too long. I wanted to see more reasoning in his panic as to why Shep might have wanted to do this to him in the end. I would be thinking something along the lines of if Shep was using them all to get the sheep and was actually in cahoots with Cabot all along, or something like that. Crazy theories which probably don't have truth to them, but when we are worried and enclosed in small spaces against our will, I am sure all of us think along similar lines. So I would've wanted to see a bit more logic to his panicking if that makes any sense
I also thought there would be the perfect opportunity to add some more comedy to this when Jay is running up the slidey part of the cave that they entered in through and seeing if they can get out that way. I think having his foot slip and having him land in a comical tangle of sheep and legs at the bottom of the tunnel where he began would be nice. You could add some humor in there from a comment from Shep or something. A small moment but it's always good to have some light hearted banter in novels as well. Never hurt anybody.
And if I am going to be honest here, I am a bit confused as to what did happen when the altar was closed. Did the bottom of the altar open up with a means of escape because the lid was put back on it again? That's all I could gather from what I read. If I am missing something essential, then it needs to be more clearly explained. And if it is supposed to be the way I explained, then I would wonder why the bottom of the altar didn't open up when the sheep was in it before? Honestly, I am pretty confused >.> Please, ease my muddled mind for me!
Otherwise, this was a good chapter and I am looking forward to finding out more about the troubles they are going to get into in the future. On to read more chapters now!
Deanie x
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
This is a bit too relaxed, even for Shep. Anyone in this situation, where they knew they were trapped, would be freaking out at least a bit. But we don't see that in Shep. He's just so matter of fact with it. Maybe you could show him looking around and looking a bit distraught instead. Just something to let us know that there is some part of him that is worried.
This is a thought yes?
So, I want to talk about the betrayal scene. It was a total plot twist and I didn't see it coming. It felt a little too simple for me. I mean, Jay was there and then Shep put the top of the altar back on and then Jay was trapped. Then all too soon, this door appears and he's free. Then he's not mad at Shep anymore. I know he's the kind of guy who would assume that Shep knew what he was doing, but he was sitting there in the dark sure that he was going to die. Wouldn't he at least have been a bit angry at Shep? That he didn't even explain his plan or say 'I have an idea' or something? I guess it just seems revolved too quickly.
Yes indeed, there always is ^_^
I kind of feel like this chapter could be combined with the last chapter. This one standing alone like this is a bit rushed and doesn't have much going on. They need to get out, then Shep almost betrays Jay, and then they get out. Compared to all your other chapters, it just felt a bit incomplete. I was almost hoping for more once I reached the end of the chapter. I know your chapters are short, but you always end up being able to pack so much into such little space. This just didn't hit that for me.
Overall, it's a nice chapter. You're moving the plot along and we're able to see the escape. Now there's just one sheep left and then what's going to happen? There's the thing with the Enchantress, but that's it. It's like the whole story will be over! o.o I'm not ready for that.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello again, darling!
I could give you a whole review based off of just this exchange. It's boring, it skims over the action and potential tension, and it gives the reader absolutely nothing. Firstly, your dialogue tags are distracting and useless, and they put you into a talking heads scenario as you don't describe anything happening between the dialogue. Secondly, you don't describe anything happening between the dialogue. You tell us that Jay tried jogging up the incline, but you don't show it. You tell us Jay volunteered, but you don't show him saying, "Okay, I'll do it". You're telling us all these things, and it just comes across that you were too lazy to write them out.First off, I'm just going to mention that your tension-less issue from the last part carries over severely into this part. I'm not going to give you a whole rant on it, because this chapter has other issues as well that I'd like to delve into.
Your dialogue is stilted and inhuman. There's no natural cadence to it, no flow like people have in their communication, and you desperately need to learn not to have people say exactly what they mean. Have a couple of handy links from our own Knowledge Base: Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro & Linguistics and Dialogue, Application
And again, you literally just hand plot advancement to your characters without doing anything to make them work for it. You let Jay sit in the dark for what feels like maybe five minutes, tops, and then the door opens and voila! Freedom!
Which is exactly what has me bored out of my skull. Why does he just sit around and contemplate boo-hoo-Shep-betrayed-me? Why doesn't he try to do anything? Why doesn't he think of something else, at least something along the lines of I have to find a way out on my own, now? I don't want to read a novel to read about people sitting around until the plot is handed to them. I want to read a novel to watch people work and grow.
You go into some severe talking heads at the end of this chapter. I'd sincerely advocate putting some kind of description, emotion, anything like that into your conversations, because it seriously sucks to be reading just lines of dialogue and to have no clue—are they moving? Is Jay noticing that it's cold? Is there a brisk wind? I don't know what their world is like, because I don't live in it, so you're going to have to show the reader these things and description does not end during conversation.
Keep writing!
Timmy here!
Sorry for not showing up earlier
as I promised last weekas I should be. I've been so lazy these past few weeks, and probably will end up becoming lazier as time goes on. xD Meh. Onto the review.When I began reading this, that spoiler in the beginning of the work was oh oh oh - something bad is going to happen. And then with the whole deal with Shep closing the altar was definitely a whoaah factor. I hadn't expected that in the slightest, and when it came up, it presented the perfect bit of shock for me as the reader. Of course for me to think that Shep did it with, you know, less than cuddly intentions is quite, erm, shocking. And if I hadn't been following Shep in this book for the past forty-six chapters, I might have had some doubts as to his true intentions. But I know Shep would never do that - I hope. It still does seem odd and tickles a weird part of my mind. He'd better behave himself from now on and not have us doubting his motives for things. hmph
So one thing I'd like a bit more of are reminders. I had this whole spiel written up about how I didn't understand why and how Cabot had gotten out of the cave, and yet they couldn't because of the slide-thingy. And then I went to the previous chapter to check it over, and remembered and re-read all those things - all of it clicking together and the story folding as one again. It seems as though perhaps I have a bad memory. Either that, or you don't put enough hints and re-telling of important information to give the reader enough clues to remember the past. All along while reading, I thought it was Cabot who'd stuck the sheep inside the altar. What reason would we have to think otherwise? We've never heard of an occasion where the Enchantress had a sheep, but Cabot just had the sheep, so... I mean, put two and two together, right? What would you come up with if you didn't know otherwise? Try to link things together better. Make sure your reader isn't punched in the face with the information and keep it subtle, yes. But always leak the information into the story, and don't leave them stranded. Oh, and a bit of reminders for us weak-minded individuals would be quite handy at times. :p
This fell a bit flat. He's running up a steep incline, right? He's slipping on it... and what does he do? Just walk down the incline after slipping? Nah, he's going to fall to his knees - scrape them up, too. His feet would no doubt fly out from beneath him, and he'd hurt himself. Just having him, I dunno, stop running and walk down the steep slide seems a bit flat to me, especially when you could throw adrenaline in there and liven up the scene. And it seems more realistic.
We know Shep is the one speaking because the previous sentence described his actions. So the he said is pretty superfluous. It adds nothing since its only purpose is to show who's speaking, and that is already understood.
I'm sitting here, trying to envision the hole beneath the altar. 1) you say that Shep and Jay together pulled the sheep out of the cavity beneath. Okay, I see that. As it looks now, the cavity is about three feet deep or so (which would be very difficult to pull a sheep up from that low down, but still manageable - I think). 2) And then you have Jay dropping down into the altar. Suddenly, I have a much different image. The cavity seems now to be about eight feet high or so (since you describe him scratching at the top, trying to pull himself up). And especially when you went about describing the door and him pushing against it, the little hole now seems to have grown to accommodate a man beneath there. So you need to look at the picture you've created, and work on establishing one image that flows continuously through. Perhaps it's my poor abilities at fitting the pieces together, but the descriptions and scene-building there seem to need help and structure.
Thought needs to be distanced from the piece. As this stands, it read disjointed because it's meant to be isolated from the narration. And there are, ah, a few obvious issues with the writing itself - the thought should've been he thought, for example.
Hm. There was a grumble or there was a rumble?
Comma after Oh
Comma after groaned
...Aaaand off they go in search of another adventure. Jay is right about that - always seems to be an adventure going on in Trevon - no matter what. I wonder when the sheep are going to become something more than, ah, sheep. xD They seem to tag along for every ride no matter what, but nothing happens to them. They're princes and all this other stuff in disguise, right? Uh, when are they going to turn back into people? o.o Or are they? It seems odd that Jay hasn't had that thought cross his mind a few times. They're the center of the plot, but no steps have been made in an attempt to place them where they belong in their circles (normal people, I mean). I assume that will be Shep's next move. It's been so long, I don't even remember why they are sheep. >< Perhaps a reminder of that is in order, too? I sense quite a few things coming together as we progress in these upcoming chapters, and I am excited excited excited. This is going to be so much fun.
~Darth Timmyjake