Chapter 37
~1,079 words
Three Pines studios stood large and impressive at the corner of the street. There were golden gates—held open by a couple cinder-blocks—that welcomed visitors to the expansive parking lot. There were few cars parked there, however. William thanked the taxi driver, paid him, and got out of the car into the sunny Hollywood winter. Jay, Cabot, and Fleta joined his side, and the cab drove off.
“There’s an old man watching us from inside the doors,” Jay muttered to Fleta.
“I see him. I wonder why he’s not greeting us?”
“Well,” said William cheerfully, “Shall we enter? No time like the present!”
The distance between the parking lot and the front doors was covered in bricks that had names printed on them. After glancing around at them, Jay decided that they were the names of every actor that had acted in a Three Pines movie. The bricks seemed to stretch on forever.
Finally they reached the front doors, but the man Jay had seen wasn’t there. Instead, a man—who seemed to be around twenty in age— appeared from around the corner.
“You must be the group that called in for the tour,” he said.
“Yes, I’m William.”
“I knew that,” the guy said, “You’re the only group who has ever called in for a tour. At least since I’ve worked here.” He shuffled a bit then stuck out a hand in William’s general direction, but it could have been to Cabot or Fleta. “I’m Greg by the way. You can call me… Greg. Uh, was there anything in particular you wanted to see?”
Jay saw Cabot take in a breath, but before he could say anything, Jay said, “Yeah, a tour of where you film, if you could.” Jay glanced at Cabot who looked like he was a swimmer about to dive into the depths of the ocean. Cabot looked at Jay, narrowed his eyes, then let out his breath slowly through his nose.
“Yeah that’s fine. I’m gonna have to get the keys from the old man though. You can come with me if you want. Or stay here. Whatever works.” Greg disappeared behind the corner again, and William followed him.
“Real enthusiastic guide,” Jay said out of the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah,” said Fleta. “I thought—“
But before she could say another word, Jay walked right into William who had stopped in the middle of the hallway. Or rather, he was parked at a polite distance from the doorway where Greg stood, talking to someone Jay couldn’t see. There was a jangle of keys, and Greg was backing out of the doorway.
“This way,” he said, not even looking back as he led them down the undecorated hall.
Jay peeked in through the doorway Greg had been standing at and saw the old man who had been looking out through the doors at them. He was staring right back at Jay, an displeased expression on his face. Jay shivered.
Greg led them first to a seemingly average conference room. A large oak table sat in the middle surrounded by black plastic chairs. “This is the room where all of Three Pines' movies are planned, and where all the important decisions are made.” Greg shifted from foot to foot until he was sure that the entire group felt sufficiently awkward. He then backed out of the room with only the squeak of his beat-up tennis shoes to herald his departure.
The next room the visited was the sound booth, then a small green screen room, and finally the enormous stage where the huge sets were built and where the walls were blanketed in green screen. In every room, Greg said some dull fact about what happened in the room, then left without a word.
“How does a green screen work?” Fleta asked him once, but he just shrugged with a jerk and left the room.
“I don’t really know either,” Jay said when Fleta looked to him.
The studio seemed completely empty except for Greg and the old man. Most everything seemed to be covered with a thin layer of dust as well.
“So do you have any questions?” Greg asked when they reached the main stage. “I can’t promise I can answer them but…” His sentence trailed off.
“Yeah,” Jay said. “Is there a… museum around here, like, with props from your best movies? I’d like to see some of the props up close and personal. They always looked so cool in the movies.”
“I don’t know if you’d call it a museum,” Greg snorted, “but yeah, we have a room with props. It’s not the safest, but you all signed waivers.”
They followed Greg down yet another undecorated hallway to an inconspicuous door labeled “16B.” He unlocked it deftly, swung it open, and stepped in, flipping on the switch. Inside, stories of boxes sat stacked on each other, and various items littered the ground. There was a canoe, a suit of armor, several tapestries, a couple trees, a washing machine and dryer, small dinosaur toys, a silver chalice, a grand piano, and countless other items. “Feel free to explore, I guess. Try not to touch everything or get hurt.” Greg scratched the back of his neck, then found a place to sit down on the piano bench. He whipped out a Gameboy Color and started furiously tapping the buttons.
William peered at the piles of boxes and turned a little white in the face. “That doesn’t look safe,” he muttered. “You guys go ahead. I’ll just stay back here.” He stepped back into the doorway, as if he was afraid the boxes would fall directly on him even if he was just in the room.
Cabot, Fleta, and Jay crawled between the stacks of boxes, unsure of where to start looking. There were chairs, saddles, sarcophagi, tables, swords, paintings, fireplaces, marbles, gold coins, and the like. Inside the boxes, there were even more things. There seemed to be no order to it. Fleta uttered a small scream when she opened a box only to find it filled with severed arms.
“We’re never gonna find it at this rate,” Jay sad, as he opened yet another box of lamps.
“I think we might,” Cabot said, staring at something at the top of an especially high stack of boxes. Peeking out of the second box from the top was a golden handle gilded in jewels.
It sparkled, seeming to laugh at Jay’s disbelief.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi
Seeing as the fate of the trolls and Shep rests on being able to find this prop, it would interesting to see their emotions as they are so close to finding what they need to find. That could be something else which would add more to this chapter and make it more spectacular.
FortisWiddershins!There doesn't seem to be too much more I can say on this chapter that hasn't already been said by reviewers before me. It was a fairly short chapter and didn't have too much happening in it because we get a general view of the tour and also just seeing things move forward as they discover the room where all the props are. We're not really seeing too much of the character or the plot, really and that did nag at me a bit. But aside from that it was just another chapter. I think I am going to keep this review short and sweet because I don't have too much to say.
I think there were maybe a little too many conveniences in this chapter? It was convenient that the person running the tour didn't really care too much about what they were doing. It would've been much more interesting if it was someone who looked over their shoulder constantly and they would've needed to make a distraction to get in there. It was convenient that William didn't want to come into the props room with them. Otherwise the distraction they might've made for the reason above would have to involve him as well. And it seems, although it might not be, that they have found this torch a bit conveniently as well. I am secretly hoping that this isn't actually what they want it to be because then I find it was just a bit too easy. Maybe the main point of this was not that it would be hard and there will be a plot point somewhere else, but I am sure you could make this a bit more embellished. I couldn't help wanting a bit more from this chapter when it comes to those points. And even though Cabot is the enemy in the story, I do like seeing the three of them work together just for the reason of finding this prop.
I felt like the tour went by too fast. You could add to it to show a bit more about the characters. How Fleta and William are the people simply enjoying the tour and trying to look around and gather new information, while Cabot looks anxious and is trying to subtly look around everywhere to see if what he is looking for is there. I don't know what Jay might be up to but I am sure you would think of something
I thought it was a bit strange that this place didn't have anyone asking for tours. If the bricks of actors and actresses who had starred in their movies went on and on, I would assume more people would come. I know quite a few film lovers who would love to go to a studio of any kind, especially one that is popular. If you mentioned that not many people had starred in their films and the list was short, than it would make more sense. But the company was pretty big if Jay was previously able to give an accurate suggestion as to where a specific prop might be. Which means I think they should've had more tours than this being their first...
Another thing is that although you do describe the setting well enough, I do miss your brilliant and vivid descriptions that we had in some of the older chapters! I thought a nice place to include it would be in the room with all the boxes. Yes, its a pretty ordinary place in itself but you have such a way with words I am sure you could describe it in a way that would take my breath away. You have such a talent with it, so don't forget to show it off through your writing whenever the right opportunity arises
That's all I have to say! I am gonna keep reading because I am so behinddd...
Deanie x
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
This might just be a personal preference, but I would've liked to have seen a dialogue tag here. Obviously it's William that is answering, but Jay was the last one to be mentioned so one can almost think it's Jay speaking. Then they'll be confused when it turns out it William. It's just something small, but I figured I'd point it out.
I find it interesting that no one else has ever come for a tour. If it's an option on their website I'm sure that other people have called in for one. Come on, it's Hollywood. City of stars. I think everyone would be wanting to take a tour. Unless there's something supposedly haunting about the studio or a curse or something. Maybe Three Pines is the worst studio in Hollywood. Bottom line, there must be some reason that no one ever comes. And I'm sure Jay or William would think it was odd that no one else ever comes for a tour. Maybe Greg knows why and just doesn't want to tell. He seems a bit suspicious to me, just like the old man.
Hm. It seems that Cabot is nervous here. Unless I misunderstood the simile? I bring this up because I would've thought that Cabot would be excited. Or if anything anxious. He might revert back to how he acted before William was part of the picture. He's at the studio! He's about to find the dagger (dagger, yes?) that he's been looking for! Wouldn't that make him at least a bit excited? It seems out of character of him. As the chapters go on it seems that Jay is more and more in control. Which is fine since they're on Earth, Jay's "home turf". But Cabot is still the villain and he still wants to make sure that everything goes the way he has planned it.
Okay, that old man is giving me the creeps too. Why is he staring at Jay like that? He must know something. It's funny because if it were a young boy, for instance, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But it's a creepy old man which makes it more... creepy xD I like it. Definitely adds to the tension of the chapter. He's an interesting addition to this scene as well. Can't wait to see what part he plays in the story.
Just as Timmy said, your descriptions are great. You've really come a long way since the first chapter. I could really imagine all of the rooms they were going through and what was happening. The only thing that's less than clear to me is what Greg looks like. It would actually be comical to see if his work uniform was disheveled or if his hair was messy or if he was chewing gum, because he doesn't seem like the best of employees. But no matter what he really looks like, it's nice to have that description there. Looks are just as important to character development as actions and dialogue are.
Ah, so they've finally found it! At least, you make us think that they found it ^_^ But a shiny handle can only mean one thing: the dagger. Quite convenient that William decided to stay back and Greg whipped out his Game Boy. Cabot, Fleta and Jay really do have a lot of good luck.
Onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
1. I know that this may sound confusing but in this sentence, "“I see him. I wonder why he’s not greeting us?” you have to remove the question mark. The person that is asking this question is asking it indirectly because it starts with I wonder. Just simply put a period at the end.
2.In this sentence "Cabot looked at Jay, narrowed his eyes, then let out his breath slowly through his nose" please after the comma put and then to make it correct.
3. With this sentence: "“Yeah that’s fine. I’m gonna have to get the keys from the old man though." I always tell every writer, don't use slang words. Change gonna into going to.
4.This is a little mistake but still very important. In this sentence: "He was staring right back at Jay, an displeased expression on his face." The an after Jay is incorrect. Remember you use a before consonants and an before vowels. It's a simple concept but one that all writers sometimes forget. Don't make that blind mistake in your writing.
5.I like how to left off with Jay and looking at the sparkling jewels. It make me want to read more.
6. I encourage you to develop the plot line better and be more descriptive. I came in the story on the Chapter 37 so I don't know the context or background.
7.I hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing!
1-3 I did for stylistic purposes. It is perfectly fine to use slang in dialogue, if it makes sense for the character to be speaking with said slang.
With the "an" thing, I think I was going to put "an angry" but I changed it at the last minute. Thanks for catching it, but you really didn't need to explain to me how English works.
The plot line is very developed, thankyouverymuch.
Thanks for your time.
About the question make,I stress this to all writers never use slang because it makes your story look childish and very unprofessional.Hope that helps and Happy New Year!
Mark Twain used slang all the time, and instead of seeming unprofessional, it made his characters more lifelike than the usual character robots, which led him to become one of the best authors of all time. Many other authors do the same. Also, this book is intended for a younger audience.
In my opinion, slang is perfectly fine as long as it's in dialogue and it makes sense for a character to say it.
If you're writing about gangsters, they aren't going to speak like perfect gentlemen. They're going to use slang all over the place, and that's what's expected. They wouldn't be very good gangsters if they didn't speak in slang.
I hope you have a happy new year too~
Timmy here
You know, for always being panicked at the last moment to get your chapters finished, your pieces never show it. I really appreciated the descriptions of the studio here, because I have never been to one. Please tell me that Warner Bros. doesn’t look like they do. O.O The way you describe them makes me think they’re going out—like they haven’t made a movie in a long while, and all that stuff is just sitting there, getting covered in dust. Your very detailed descriptions helped conjure (like maggiiicccc) those images for me. From your descriptions, I got the idea that Three Pines used to be a big studio, with all those actor’s names (they didn’t use actresses? O.O) tacked up on the brick. But now isn’t, implied from the rarely used stuff and poorly trained staff.
Hmmm, I don’t know about Jay, but for me… if a twenty year old guy walked through, I dun think I would call him a “man”. More like a guy or something. A more informal name for someone close in age. Bro might be a bit overdoing it, though. Possibly
This guy is smooooooooth.
I would like to see this. I have been around people for about 17 years (give or take), ever since I came from the land of super-humans (Ask Superman), and I have never actually seen someone take a deep breath to talk. Seems a big waste of time, really. I talk, and take breaths while I do so. I mean, sure—breathe, Cabot. But I thought it was rather odd? I mean, yeah, you have to say something that will imply to the reader what Cabot is starting to speak, but something else may be better. I don’t know. I know writers use that phrase (sentence. WHATEVER) occasionally to describe that, but it seems odd since I don’t do that before I talk. >.<
This sentence was confusing the first time I read it. >.< And it is probably just me, but when I read through it, I thought that Greg was standing in the doorway and old whatshisface (aka, William) was talking to the grumpy gills in the office. I know you meant Greg now, but I think you could tweak that to better the reader’s initial understandment.
I have an song playing. Hee-hee better fix that.
Average what? It seems as though you need one more word inserted in there.
This was the one place where I thought the description lacked a bit. Because I have never been in one of those rooms, and I was disappointed when you didn’t describe what it looked like—and especially what huge set was up then. Or even if there was no set up there. If there wasn’t one, it would kinda tell Jay that they didn’t even have a movie going. I dunno. I think you could expand on this picture.
Dude, get a PSP. Like seriously, bro.
Hmmm, he might be sad, but I think that word doesn’t belong there. Hee-hee
YES. There you go again with that lovely writing. I simply love the parts you throw in like this (I still remember “sleep not even winking in his direction”). Just one of your things in writing I look forward to.
And because you insist…..
Comma after Greg
Comma after Cabot
Comma after yeah
Comma after them
Hmmm, it looks as though someone is getting better at their commas. Yay, you’re doing so much better. <3 Actually, you never really had a problem with commas in the first place. I get just as many out of place in my pieces, I think. The parts in the beginning, although being a somewhat new thing for your writing, did seem rather out of place. The em-dashes (—). It wasn’t having them in your chapters isn’t good. I love it. But they did seem to break the flow—how you had them. Like this one:
That seems to flow better for me, and actually, when I read through it with just the Em-dashes removed, I kinda think it reads just fine the way it is—punctuation fully removed. See what you think. Not a big deal by any stretch, but it’s just one of those little things that strains the flow in their prospective places.
This chapter is winding up to something big now. I just know it. The guy who was scowling them in the other room…. He has to have something to do with it, and something big. Perhaps he knows of what the knife can do? Or perhaps the knife isn’t the one they’re looking for. D: I had never thought of that. That would spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R, you know. Like big ouch time for Jay. I hope it is the right knife, so Jay and Fleta can go back to Shep who is probably getting a back-ache from standing still in one place for so long (so what if he is frozen in one place). But I still think that scowling older fellow is going to play a part in the next chapter, and a not-so cuddly part, too. I am excited! Who says you dun know what’s going to happen next? Psssh, you always do wonderful. <3
~Darth Timmyjake