Iniquities

Hey Rhia!

It's good to see a poem from you again ^^ When I see the title and the poem as a whole, I'm reminded of children afflicted with cancer, which I think there was a recent story on the radio recently about how cancer charities only use 2% of its funds to benefit children? Totally insane! But I'm with you, I love the topic of this poem, it's refreshing (in an interesting way, not in a happy kind of way D: )

So I'm going to talk about what the poem mainly was doing for me, personally. If there were any words that jumped out of me from this poem it was:

pains of a little boy with
a shelf life, a due date, an expiration,

This was when the poem got meaty for me, like this was the climax, so to speak. I loved it, but I'm going to criticize it anyway, because everything can improve, right?

So, of the line that I pulled you've got 3 phrases saying the same thing: shelf life, due date, expiration. I promise you one sudden and sharp strike of the hammer at the "opportune moment"( to quote from Jack Sparrow :3 <3) is gonna impact us more than 3 little knobby taps of the hammer. Say it once, say it right.

Spoiler

Of the three, if you're choosing one, I kind of like a boy with an expiration, what do you think? Due date sounds meh, too general it would need for further elaboration because I think of returning library books, or exam deadlines, or a woman in labor/pregnancy xD And shelf life in this context is more cliche? I guess I've just heard that phrase a *lot* in these context.

A boy with an expiration seems more interesting, and I really like how you used it here. Especially since we usually think of food items spoiling, so that brings an interesting and shocking image when you have a boy who is spoiling/expiring. Loooove it.

This part here:

desperation bounces between digits of
outstretched hands;
electrified, paints pictures
that tremble at the edge of possibility,

I might suggest that you don't even need it. It's got a prelude/prologue effect going to it, where I'm thinking, why not just dive straight in for the meatier bits? This part is also more abstract and lofty. From this, I'm getting that there is a third person observer sort of in the midst of this and that person is nervous and not sure what is going to happen to the little boy, and I mean, that's a beautiful way of putting that anxiety, to present it as golden fluttering digits but see,

1.) Not only is this part essentially a prelude/prologue delaying the action but it's also
2.) *distancing* the reader from the subject itself.

To me going into the piece, the subject was the little boy. I just found that emotional core in the idea of his story, his emotions, what he's going through. So why start the point of view of the poem with the third person observer, who has a completely different set of emotions and a different story and point of view? Unless it's *those* emotions of waiting/not knowing, fear of losing someone you love that you want to capitalize on, and if that's so, then the poem may need a bit more emphasis on those aspects.

In a short poem like this, maybe it's best to pick just one emotion and hit it hard, rather than have these two emotions that are right now conflicting with one another. Even the words in the first part is adding distance. Lots of abstract words is what adds the distance. The word digits for example. Why not go directly with fingers? We are intimate with our fingers. Our fingers are our flesh and blood, whereas digits are mathematical numbers, apathetic. So, I'm doing not necessarily doing this to be picky, this is something super technical I know, but I'm doing this because I think it's good for a poet to think *super* carefully about their word choices. Do you want a poem to be emotional? Then go for the words that are raw, concrete, and close to the body. Do you want a poem to be philosophical? Then these mathematical words and abstractions will help the reader into that higher realm of thoughts and things. I know you do think carefully about the words, because like I said, there are a lot of things here that work wonderfully: expiration, walking backwords, as you voice the needs of the world. Just that the words that didn't work really affected the reading.

I like the way you've ended it too. "A life unlived, walking backwards" -This is intriguing to me, especially the walking backwards part, I like the sounds and I like the image in my head, but I'm not too *certain* I know exactly what you mean, almost as though there's need for elaboration.

Overall, it's not a bad poem at all. It's got a strong topic and heart behind it and I know you can string a line of words together and you can make it flow and you can tell a coherent message, and you can tell a strong message, and you are talented for that. What I'd like to see in the future and I would like to challenge you, maybe for later revisions or for future poems, to try to write a poem where you *dont* try to convey a message. Just erase the idea of conveying a message completely from your mind. Convey to me a scene, filled with specific details, that tells a story in few and precise words.

I hope this helps,

~ as always, Audy