Let it be for a moment,
just pretend, that
the world isn't turning
blues don't fade into darker hues,
swirls of sunlight never dim then
speckle with the broken glass of
ten thousand angry wives of
The Universe pitching
ivory looking glasses from the blazing
soul-windows of the sun, just
to see them shatter
across the sky.
Why, but, without the rotation, we'd
always fall, this time without
the corded support of the shadows to grasp,
like ropes, and hold.
No longer would that luscious comfort
'tween yes and no spin around us and,
day to day, things would never change.
We'd be but a rash upon the world.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there, rhiasofia! Kekai, here to review.
I can always count on you to write such interesting poems! I really love the concept that you have going on here, about the stagnancy of some things and what it would do to us (at least, that was my interpretation).
My only criticism is that at times your line breaks are very abrupt and do not flow very well. Also, it feels like you have a couple too many commas or commas in the wrong places. I would suggest rereading the poem aloud, and also just editing for grammar and the like. For example, for the first couple lines:
"Let it be for a moment,
just pretend, that
the world isn't turning" might flow better as:
"Let it be for a moment.
Just pretend that
the world isn't turning."
In all though, great job!
Keep up the good work! See you around!
Hello there, the fiend to review this fine work!
The last line is probably my favorite, although it is in close competition with "just pretend, that
the world isn't turning". The former because it is a clever comparison, the latter because it is very leading.
The first verse was a little confusing, and I think it could do with clearer punctuation; Try using semicolons and colons in the longer sentences (Remember, a semicolon is a promoted comma, a colon a demoted full stop.)
Also a couple of times you end the line with the word of. It is not recommended but perfectly acceptable to do so, but if you do try not to do it twice in a row; Try not to have two last words of a line the same, unless for obvious effect.
Overall, a very good job, keep up the good work.
Take That You Fiend!
Hi! I am so sorry I'm late. You requested a review in my WRFF thread, so here I am.
I'm no poet, but I will try my best, so bear with me.
Okay, so, since you're using punctuation, I feel a need to help you make it consistent and pretty. Alas, this is poetry, so the rules of punctuation can be defied, but still I think that if you fix some things, then your lines will be stronger and resonate clearly. So this is just my advice, but you can ignore it if you'd like!
Nice way to start off the poem. I feel that, since this is a independent clause, if you tag on a period at the end instead of a comma, then this would become stronger and would also provide a smoother transition into the second line. I also want to note that this might be better if it were a stanza by itself, so the reader reads the line and takes a pause, and the power from that line, plus the clarity of it, rings through their mind.
Remove that comma. It doesn't belong there and it breaks at an awkward part of the line, therefore ruining the flow.
Comma after "turning"! Also, cute rhyme on the second line.
I believe you meant the, because of the way the line after that is phrased?
Connect these two words into one with a hyphen.
So this line is styled differently than the rest of your writing. I know you wanted 'tween to stand out, and it does, but it stands out oddly. Like a sore thumb. It's foreign to the rest of the poem and it draws attention away from the entire stanza. I recommend you replace it with the normal between.
Okay. I hope that helps. Again, that's all my opinion. This is your poem, so do what you will.
Overall, I really did enjoy the poem, especially the ending of the first stanza. The message you were trying to get across was delivered clearly. Your flow was clear and beautiful, and the end of the poem was simply wonderful. I really enjoyed reading this. It had a lot of power and simplicity to it; it had a way of making one do as the title says: think and contemplate. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much. I'll keep all of those in mind when I go back to edit. Yeah, I was hesitant to use 'tween. I'll change that for sure.