The rain smells cold; anxious, yet still like something freshly born.
The grey din of its incessant pattering thrums within,
a slow bruising of my ears and mind to a shade darker
even than the ink-blot of a bird, tottering at the very edge
of my vision, fidgeting there fretfully beneath the frigid onslaught.
The drops banter for position on smooth surface as
each breath lingers in amorphous shocks,
memories of some letter unable to rearrange with haste enough
to spell out words that nest at the tip of my tongue.
But they are young, and new, with much to learn.
As rain races to reach the tip of the shining tine, they see,
in the flash before umbrella and droplet are
disconnected, the whole world, reflected.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,179 Literary Works • 672,080 Reviews
Love this piece of prose. So little prose on this site so far in general, just nice to see something a little out of the ordinary. I don't really have much to suggest here, I would take a look at lines 1, 10, 11 and the last line for punctuation correction. Just some over-using of commas and a misused period, but I am just nit-picking at that point.
I like the subject matter a lot too, ringing of innocence and eagerness. It speaks to you a lot I think, even though we don't really know each other. You seem the type who is very confident and eager to show her capabilities. A strong will is important, you'll need that as a writer too apart from its uses in every day life.
Another excellent read, thanks for the opportunity to review your work!
Thank you so much! I played around with the punctuation on those lines, I see what you meant.
All I can say, is just... wow. This poem left me awestruck and i cannot believe the imagery in this poem. I comment about the imagery a LOT, in nearly every review, but the images have never been this powerful. The word choice and the metaphors are more than incredible, I can't even find the right words to describe this poem. But the poem itself is just so powerful and it goes very deep in my psyche and I have read this more than once, i find myself referring back to this poem a lot and there are not many poems that i find myself able to do that, matter of fact there has been only one or two that have left me feeling this way, thinking about the poem after i have read it once before. But to tell the truth the awe of those previous poems has gradually deteriorated but i cannot seem to get this particular one out of my mind and i love when a poem does that because its so rare that poems are this good anymore. You'll always find an inspiring or emotionally deep poem, but very rarely is there one like this, it is so unique and it just leaves so many unanswered questions and i love that, it is a very deep poem but it is the type of poem that you would read over and over and not get sick of. I love how you reflect the world in a drop of rain at the end, i can imagine the way it would look and it is just beautiful, you are truly skilled, and i love, love, love you words choice here, it is incredible and i can barely believe how perfect this poem is, it all fits together just so inimitably,i can barely contain just how much i loved this poem, and i hope you decide to create more work like this. If it wasn't so cheesy then i would say, this is a masterpiece, but of course that is cheesy, but you get the gist of it I'm sure. Undoubtedly my favorite poem I've ever read, just magnificent. Fabulous job, keep it up!
Oh. My. God. THANK YOU! That was so much and I'm practically on the verge of tears to think that anyone could like anything I've written that much and say all of that so thank you thank you thank you!
Hello!
Here with my second review!
First let me compliment your title. I love the color grey, (which I will refer to as gray for the sake of me referring to it without going crazy) and it also has a beautiful image: Running Ink. Ink that drips and is liquidy and colors the places that it touches.
Okay so I really love all the delicious images you have here, and I think you tied them together and made them work a bit better than the last poem I reviewed. There are a few places that I think could be reworded for clarification, however.
These lines specifically gave me trouble. I'm not sure if it's just me who's not getting this, but I'd reread this and focus on what exactly you're trying to say.
Also, I'm not sure what you're referring to when you say they "shining tine," and I'm not sure what the last line means either, but I like the idea of reflection there.
I really loved this poem, and those were the only critiques I had!
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey it's Neverland here to review again!
I really like rain so I enjoyed this poem alot!!!! I like the way you wrote this, how you used heaps of metaphors! Amazing!!!
I myself believe this poem shows how people see rain, and not just as something that makes everything wet. I really enjoyed it!!!
Keep writing, you're doing great!!!
~Neverland.
Hi, Pony123 here to review~
I really liked the imagery in this, "Anxious, yet still like something freshly born." It makes me think of a baby.
You have great imagery, but I had a hard time understanding the point of the poem. Maybe you could make that a bit more present, poking through the imagery you have. Overall great poem.
Pony123
I like what you've written here.
But it is definitely in need of some formatting. The lines are all jammed in together and this makes it difficult to read. Which is a shame, because the content you have actually got here is fantastic.
'Anxious, yet still like something freshly born' the personification in the first line works birlliantly in conveying the emotional ideas present.
As a criticism, I would say your use of punctuation is inconsistent and this can make reading a bit awkward at times. However, it is overall very enjoyable, and flows well in most places.
'even than the ink-blot of a bird, tottering at the very edge' (as here there is no ending punctuation)
'disconnected, the whole world, reflected.' your rhyme scheme, although quite disjointed is also effective when used. That was a good poetic idea.
Overall: very good work. Needs a bit of editing. But good job.
Keep writing. XD
~BSF