Hi, DemonGoddess (and Flumadiddle)! Pan dropping in for a quick review to help you shimmy this out of the Green Room. I'm just going to work through it chronologically and give you my thoughts as I read. Small grammar corrections will be shown in blue, but seeing as inktopus already covered the most pressing issues in that department, they won't be my main focus. Let's get to it.
E.E. grabbed a book out of her bag. Frayed, torn, and with an orange horse and jokey on it, Demon Goddess recognized it as Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. Grim was a bit confused as to what it was, thinking that it was a notebook. After Demon Goddess gently reminded him that it was an actual book, E.E. sat down and began to read.
Grim watched as E.E. read the book. He sighed. "Not right now, E.E. Now is not the time to panic."
This immediately perplexed me, because you give no indication anywhere in the first paragraph that E.E. is panicked or even remotely anxious. This means I have to reframe the whole scene in my head after I've already pieced together an interpretation of it, which disrupts the flow. Her panic should be clear from her actions right from the start.
"I'm just trying to clear my head, which isn't working because you're distracting me!"
"By reading?!"
Because of how you've structured the dialogue, this suggests that Grim is the one reading and that this, somehow, is the reason E.E is distracted. Which is presumably not the interpretation you're going for, seeing as Grim isn't the one with the book here. You need to rejig the dialogue so that it's clear the 'by reading?' bit refers to her trying to clear her head, not to her being distracted.
"Reading clears your head. You'd be surprised, Grim," Demon Goddess laughs.
Grim rolled his eyes -- well, the fire that would be in place of the eyeballs. Demon Goddess is a very aggravating person, he noted. Well, a very aggravating demon goddess, at least. Humans begging for their lives are easier than this.
What about her dialogue suggests that she's aggravating? It sounded pretty neutral to me. Even pleasant.
"What?" E.E. asked Grim, noting the confused look on his face. "Old books hold history, true meaning."
Grim shook his head in distaste. How E.E. could be so strange and weird was beyond him, and he had existed since the beginning of time.
Likewise, noting that old books hold history is hardly a weird observation. It feels like you're making claims about the characters that aren't actually backed up by how they behave.
"These double as spell books. We can change the book whenever we want but I normally go with my comfort book," E.E. explained while Grim skimmed through his.
"You have a spell that lets you... morph into an... ostrich? This might help," Grim noted.
I'm quite intrigued by the idea of novels doubling as spell books - does the book affect what spells they can cast with them?
I have literally no idea where the ostrich topic came from, though. What even prompted that? Grim mentions it like it's been brought up before, but E.E. didn't say a thing about it.
"That also sounds dangerous," Demon Goddess said,worried about her safety.
Just don't need this. It's unnecessary telling.
"It's a fire ostrich. We don't question them," Grim joked. "Now, can we start these tests or no? What are they anyway?"
Demon Goddess sighed. This was going to be a long explanation.
"Okay. After hell was created, I started to enlist Grim's help to reap human souls." Grim nods in agreement. "Of course, this was before the Purgatory. However, the souls would either constantly get out or humans would come in to get their loved ones back. Therefore, I created the 10 Gates of Hell. In each gate, there are 10 obstacles. They are all very dangerous, and they're guaranteed to keep out -- and in -- everyone who doesn't belong in the other world. To get in or out, you must pass through them all... to say the least it's a very difficult task."
For one, it's instantly weird when she says 'I started to enlist Grim's help' when she's supposed to be addressing him. She's talking about him like he's not there, which makes it strange to read.
I also feel like this paragraph has a 'hey guys, here's your exposition!' sort of feel to it. It seems likely to me that they'd have already discussed this, so the explanation is only really there for the reader's benefit. I can feel you addressing me. It puts me off.
I'm interested in this concept of the ten gates, though. It's cool that they were created to keep souls from escaping, or to stop people getting in and rescuing others.
"DESTRUCTION! TRUMP!" Demon Goddess shouts. The demons scurry over.
I see what you did there
"WOOO ADVENTURE!" Grim and E.E. yelled suddenly.
I agree with inktopus that this is random and feels unrealistic. You don't always set dialogue up that fluently. Conversations in literature need to be like an uninterrupted seam of stitching, each bit of dialogue linking into the next. Sometimes it feels like you skip a stitch.
They exited the castle, making their way towards the first gate.
This bit made me realise that for that whole first scene I had no idea what their surroundings looked like. I had no idea they were in a castle, no sense of what room they were in, what time of day it was, what they could hear, smell, whatever. You need more description on that front.
"Because the gate is invisible," Demon Goddess said with a straight face. She didn't have the heart to tell E.E. that the gate was just so huge that nobody could see it unless the flew or ran a very long way.
"Ohhhhhh," E.E. said in realization, falling for the goddess's act.
Demon Goddess stifles a laugh. Her old friend could really be gullible sometimes.
It's not really that gullible though? There's not really any reason to think she's lying. In the world of hell-dimensions and goddesses, invisible gates are hardly an impossibility.
Also, you need more description here as well. Are they just standing in a blank expanse of white? Because that's all I can picture right now. If the gate isn't invisible and is actually just massive, I presume you must be able to see part of it. Does it just look like an uninterrupted wall stretching all the way to the sky, beyond the bounds of human sight? These are the kind of details you need to include.
E.E. was worried. Giants? She was already really short. Now vicious giants?!
Demon Goddess giggled. “I’m just kidding! The thing we have to face is even worse.”
E.E.'s face became ashen. "GIANT GIANTS?!"
Haha, you did actually get a giggle out of me at this bit. Not easily done!
"Either a demon or maybe some odd hybrid of two species of something," Grim tried. "This book does not specify. Where did you even get this? We have to see books to change our original ones."
"I have my ways," was all E.E. said.
"Nope," Demon Goddess said, grinning. "It's a humungous sloth."
The bit in bold diverts the conversation away from the sloth, which means that Demon Goddess's response comes after the topic has already been changed. It's jarring to read; it feels like she missed a beat. See my point about your bits of dialogue not always leading into each other that well.
Okie-dokie, that brings the review pretty much to a close. Obviously this is a not-so-serious, comedic piece, but comedic pieces still have to be written well if they're going to entertain other readers. I think the idea is pretty promising and there are some good flashes of humour in here, but the piece lacks setting description and the dialogue is quite sticky in places. You never really clarified the significance of the books, either.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
Donate