Young Writers Society

Hey Pocket!
I was in a poetry kind of mood, and this one seems pretty popular. I can see why! You used some very nice imagery here, and even though I have a few personal peeves on certain choices like hanging commas and spacing, I know that all depends on the poet, and you wrote it that way for a reason, so I'll let those be.
With that said, Fortis, CapitalMonday, and Monster covered any nitpicks I might have had... I think the poem is pretty well-balanced line and syllable-wise, so there's nothing for me to say there either.
Basically, you did a really good job! I especially like the last stanza, and how you end the poem. I can never end poems so... gracefully? I don't know, I just finished reading satisfied with the result, and yet still thinking about the meaning, and it was a really good feeling. The lines: "I step into the water, and my legs freeze and tremble and I go numb —
as cold as the water enveloping me, The trees hang,
green and blooming
without flowers," really stuck with me! It was very beautiful and peaceful. You did a wonderful job with this! I hope you keep writing poetry. Also, I'm looking to the right, and am very glad I see so much more poetry to read!
Happy writing!

Hey pocket.

The fog tells me about last night.

parts before me,

The fog murmurs

The fog tells me

It whispers,

mimics the frogs

They are tiny and delicate, loud.

It is cold on my hands, melts under my toes.
I step from rock to rock, and they are sharp and solid,

wondering at the smell of me.

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on the imagery in this poem is beyond my writing (or the imagery i use in them for that fact) since you can feel the water- being cold and making your body tremble- as you step into the water or the eyes of the mountain lions disembodied luminescent eyes watch is quite amazing. Also i think the beginning you used a hook (something to attract readers in like flies or something.)

Whenever i look at a poem and read it, i try to look for corrections/improvements (which most poems do) but unlike those, poem this one seems pure in a sense since you are stating your message across to the reader as we are all the same (as you said as in the last stanza). Since it is true, we are all the same to whether we are flower getting the morning dew from a leaf or a deer drinking water from a pond. We are all the same and hopefully we stay the same.

Also this reminds me of the time i went to my back lake in the morning and noticed the mist falling onto the grass below, wetting it or the fact, that you could hear the frogs croak their music.. reminded me of this poem.

Sorry for rambling on. Just my way of saying this is an amazing poem.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday

Hello!
I swear that you said that you didn't like nature poetry. But if this is anything but a nature poem, I'll eat my metaphorical hat.

I personally really like nature poetry, and this is no exception. You painted the scene with just the right amount of straight-up description and descriptive action. The images are spot-on. I felt like i was looking at a painting, or a movie. Heck, I felt like I was actually there.

Your use of enjambment was nice (what's it called when you don't start a new stanza with a new sentence? Is that also enjambment? Usually I don't like that much, but here, I think it worked.) and the lines all flowed well, as much as I could tell.

I really don't have much to critique about this. I feel like the most important line of the poem was the very last one. It seems to me like that last line was supposed to give words to something the poem was telling us in images (like, "I am a deer; like a deer, I am afraid of mountain lions."). However, the mountain-lion thing, and of course the river were the only things that tied the narrator to the deer in my mind. And being in the forest in general, I suppose. But what do deer have to do with frogs? Perhaps I'm just interpreting it wrong. Perhaps you just mean that they're both just animals, afraid of somethings, cold, and beautiful.

amiably tip and echo my presence further down,