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18+

The Start

by DeerInBacPac, LordTachanka


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.


Bold - @LordTachanka 

Normal - Flumadiddle


Voices are a powerful thing

One voice can change peoples lives in ways you never expected

For better or worse

I made a descisions that would change so much more then just me.

Wait, heart... what are you doing?

Is the thought that runs through my brain.

I look at him and then I see the world so differnetly.

My world has become topsy-turvy.

Look! Look! Maybe he likes you!

My little heart yells and my brain feels like mush.

No, he couldn't. And why would he anyways? You are not even pretty.

My brain tells my little heart.

But... but... he's acting differently... he's more happy...

I know.

Says my brain but he stills doubts her, the heart.

Stop it, she'll never go for you.

I mean just look at you,

Your disgusting!

But I really like her. To me she's...perfect

It's almost like she was roped straight outta my dreams...

Oh, why do you do this brain? Let this monster take control?

My heart ask my brain.

Why do you tell yourself things you do are horrid but you know he'd love them?

My brain only looks at her with sorry eyes,

Hoping that my heart will see that my brain finally hopes as welll.

His laughter, do you hear it? Do you see his smile and the way he acts when hes around you?

Heart ask my brain.

Yes.

Is all my brain says,

For he knows he is finally swayed.

She's so amazing,

I find myself doing nothing but thinking about her.

That's it! I'm gonna do it!

Im asking her

But what if you freak her out?

She'll hate you...

Fuck it! If she hates me, she hates me!

I can't stand it I need to let her know how I feel.

But when do I ask?

You need to ask her as soon as possible

Tonight. Your doing it tonight

Ask him yourself. Tonight.

My heart tells my brain.

Okay.

My brain says.

And then tonight came.

Hey, E.E.?

Yes?

Umm, I need to ask something kinda stupid.

Please, ask away.

Will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?


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364 Reviews


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Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:31 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello @LordTachanka and Flumadiddle! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Voices are a powerful thing

One voice can change peoples lives in ways you never expected{.}

For better or worse

I made a descisions that would change so much more then just me.

Wait, heart... what are you doing?

Is the thought that runs through my brain.

I look at him and then I see the world so differnetly.

My world has become topsy-turvy.

Look! Look! Maybe he likes you!

My little heart yells and my brain feels like mush.

No, he couldn't. And why would he anyways? You are not even pretty. {YES YOU ARE E.E. DON'T LISTEN TO YOURSELF}

My brain tells my little heart.

But... but... he's acting differently... he's more happy...

I know{,}

Says my brain but he stills doubts her, the heart.

Stop it, she'll never go for you.

I mean just look at you,

{You're} disgusting!

But I really like her. To me she's...{ }perfect{.}

It's almost like she was roped straight outta my dreams...

Oh, why do you do this brain? Let this monster take control?

My heart ask{s} my brain.

Why do you tell yourself things you do are horrid but you know he'd love them?

My brain only looks at her with sorry eyes,

Hoping that my heart will see that my brain finally hopes as welll.

His laughter, do you hear it? Do you see his smile and the way he acts when he{'}s around you?

Heart{,} ask my brain.

Yes.

Is all my brain says,

For he knows he is finally swayed.

She's so amazing,

I find myself doing nothing but thinking about her.

That's it! I'm gonna do it!

I{'}m asking her

But what if you freak her out?

She'll hate you...

Fuck it! If she hates me, she hates me! {Rate this for language, not just 18+}

I can't stand it{.} I need to let her know how I feel.

But when do I ask?

You need to ask her as soon as possible{.}

Tonight. {You're} doing it tonight{.}

Ask him yourself. Tonight.

My heart tells my brain.

Okay{,}

My brain says.

And then tonight came.

Hey, E.E.?

Yes?

Umm{...} I need to ask something kinda stupid.

Please, ask away.

Will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?


My interpretation:



AWWWWWWWWWW IT'S A STORY POEM ABOUT YOUR LOVE AWWW

Overall:



what do you think I think overall? Look above XD

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image




DeerInBacPac says...


This review Kara... *facepalm while smiling*



zaminami says...


:P



LordTachanka says...


*Blushes* yes the best love story on earth



zaminami says...


**eh hem**

right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart



DeerInBacPac says...


*screams*



zaminami says...


and I'm your willing victim.



DeerInBacPac says...


*screams again*



zaminami says...


I let you see a part of me that wasn't that pretty



DeerInBacPac says...


Right from the start
You were a thief, you stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never say to me oh oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh
You used to lie so close to me oh oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love
Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
I never stop, you're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
Oh tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust, but our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again oh oh
Oh that we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again



zaminami says...


XD



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Mon Dec 04, 2017 6:17 pm
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Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hello,

For better or worse - loaded and painfully true statement.

I made decisions that would change so much more than just me - powerful words.

It's almost like she was roped straight outta my dreams - intriguing. She was pulled like a figment of wishful imagination straight out of his dreams.

Cute poem, it's kind of like reading text messages between him, her, her heart and her brain. It's young and sweet and innocent.

Thank you for sharing,

Dream




DeerInBacPac says...


No problem, thank you! This collab was done with my BF so go check him out if you please! @LordTachanka



LordTachanka says...


Thanks hon *winks over dramaticly* also @Dreamworx95 thank you so much for your review of our poem and actually your not entirely wrong about the text message thing the first 75% is individual thoughts from each point of view and the last part is an actual conversation between me and E.E./ flumadiddle



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Mon Dec 04, 2017 3:47 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @woahhitherepal @WhosabellCanWrite @TheBlueCat @LittleLee




LittleLee says...


Oh my god, guys... this poem is so good! I refuse to nitpick it!



LordTachanka says...


Thanks @LittleLee but feel free to nitpick it



LittleLee says...


I REFUSE



DeerInBacPac says...


But... why?



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54 Reviews


Points: 167
Reviews: 54

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Mon Dec 04, 2017 3:42 am
woahhitherepal says...



This is the cutest s--- ive ever seen




LordTachanka says...


Awwwwww shucks



DeerInBacPac says...


Awwwwww shucks



LittleLee says...


It IS so cute!



DeerInBacPac says...


*grumbles while blushing*




[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] RavenLord: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— RavenLord