Another collab with @woahhitherepal! SO MUCH FUN! The italics are my parts and the plain writing is Pal's.
the water ran
and isolated me
in the cold
Now no warmth
will touch my bones
it's suffocating
And I can't seem
to find my way out.
slowly...
drowning.
And no light can pierce my eyes,
For now I am resized.
I am smaller then I once was,
once a hero, now a speck.
I could have saved them all
but now i'm six feet under.
I let it defeat me.
I let the water
drown all of me.
My breath is slow and wheezy,
Everything looks so queery.
And then then world looks so dark,
A blanket of nothing,
Sitting so still in the dark.
am i more than what i feel i am?
Or am I really just a lonely soul,
with no true purpose?
I fall again.
The water drowns me.
The monster caress me, their cold hands touch my cheek.
Oh, why do they do this?
I look over.
Their eyes are nothing more then,
Hollow sockets
And bloody reminisences of me.
the monster destroyed me,
held me down.
I became invisible.
I couldnt make a sound.
And then,
I was gone.
Forever.
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holy guacamole
Hi Flum (and I guess woahitherepal). I guess what I want to start with is the fact that the poem could literally end on the 17th line.
"I could have saved them all
but now i'm six feet under.
I let it defeat me.
I let the water
drown all of me."
this serves the same purpose as the actual ending does and I can't find anything past this lien you haven't already stated. The piece comes off as slow and plodding, saying restating the same emotions as it slowly suffocates. I actually like this style choice because it coincides with the story. Both look like they are meant to be slow death spirals, but I'm not sure that's what you wanted. You should go over this piece again and look for lines that bear the same meaning as other lines you've written. Maybe try expanding your phrases. That way you can add more intricacies and make the piece as a whole more interesting. I hope this helped.
--poop guy
@TheBlueCat
Hi E.E and Pal! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.
First, I'd like to say that sometimes, you use capitalization rules, and sometimes you don't. Try to stay consistent with that.
Did you mean 'it's'?
Did you mean 'pierce'?
These lines confused me; how can something drown not all of you? If it can't, there's no reason to say 'all'.
I don't think 'queery' is a word.
Firstly, I think you meant 'than'. Secondly, if you continue with the sentence grammar, the comma shouldn't be in here, else it's "Their eyes are nothing more than, hollow sockets"
You forgot the apostrophe in 'couldn't'.
And... that's it for constructive criticism! This was a super meaningful piece, you guys, I loved it! You should totally do more collabs!
Keep writing!
~Saru
@woahhitherepal
Thank you for the review
Thank you! Collabing is SO much fun. With anyone, as long as they are willing to work.
yeet
parakeet
paraYEET
This looks awesome!
@woahhitherepal @LordTachanka @WhosabellCanWrite @DemonGoddess