Getting myself together, its rather hard.
Even my thoughts scream at me, my heart draining in the flood.
To and fro, my heart and brain fight.
Up and down the fights go, get up they both scream though.
Panic spreads, and the voices get louder, a tiny whisper knowing it will get better.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
@ZeldaIsShiek
Hello Flumiddle,
I'm here to review your piece entitled 'We fall fall down'
Reading through this I think you have done a pretty good job and haven't really got that many points to constructively criticise or recommend you change.
There is however an apostrophe between t and s in 'it's' but that's just nit picky
I have one more thing to say,
I think the 4th line doesn't really work and I'm talking from a wording perspective rather than it making grammatical sense. 'get up they both scream though' Even to say that after the comma doesn't feel right and I think you should change this - because you haven't gone for a rhyming poem it won't be that hard to find a replacement.
Other than that, well done!
If you have questions in regards to my review or any other literary inquiries, please don't hesitate to PM me
PenmanshipPriority
Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Getting myself together, {it's} rather hard.
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Even my thoughts scream at me, my heart draining in the flood.
To and fro, my heart and brain fight.
Up and down the fights go, get up they both scream though. {This is awkwardly worded...}
Panic spreads, and the voices get louder, a tiny whisper knowing it will get better.
AHHHH WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO END
Honestly, I loved this series. It tells a story of a weak person fighting for what's right and becoming strong again. Great job and keep up the great work!!
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Heya, Flumadiddle. Casanova here to do a review for you, so let's get to it shall we?
I'm beginning to grow a fondness for you style. Not in a it's blowing me away type of thing, more of childish nostalgia remembering doing the ring around the rosey with my class while we hold a giant sheet of multicoloured flags and then fall to the ground laughing and giggling and smiling, back when everything was right in the world. But at the same time it brings the harsh reality of teenage and adult life into it, so at the same time I want that life back but realize hey, I'm an adult now. If this is what you were going for, good job and props. Anyway, onward.
The acronym or spelling poem or whatever you want to call it still isn't my favourite, but I get where you're coming from on this one an I can say that I didn't hate it.
You still lack a certain emotional imagery that would piece this together. For some reason I was expecting to see a recurrence of the Phoenix, but that goes against don't show the same image twice. Anyway, onward.
I think you could add more to this and keep it going, but that's completely your choice.
Overall I think this could use some practice and hard work to get it where it needs to go, but I think that you could pull it off.
Keep on doing what you're doing andd keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Casanova
@LordTachanka @Saruka @DemonGoddess @woahhitherepal