My mind is clouding,
Yielding only when nothing is the same.
For along while, I couldn't focus.
And here I am, feeling hopeless.
Underneath this mask, is a girl who has lost motive.
Least you could do is allow me to speak,
To not throw everything back at me.
Authors note - i wrote this in about 5 minutes so bear with me!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,785 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
holy moly, you only did this in 5 minutes? impressed doesnt quite sum up the emotion im feeling right now. ive read some of your other poems and my word, you truly are good. you know how to make someone feel what your feeling and i think thats a gift. im definitely going to read more of your works! keep up the good work my friend
*blushes*Thank you so much! Another fantastic poet to check out would be @woahhitherepal and @DemonGoddess
aye thank.
i try to write things
No, you DO write things.
Hello Flumadiddle! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
My mind is clouding,
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Yielding only when nothing is the same.
For {a long} while, I couldn't focus.
And here I am, feeling hopeless.
Underneath this mask
,is a girl who has lost motive. {And the}Least you could do is allow me to speak,
To not throw everything back at me.
My interpretation:
Is this yet another one about your father? Jeez, you're really painting him as a bad guy.
Overall:
I did like this. It's very good for five minutes. A few flow issues, but otherwise you're good! Keep up the great work!
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Hi! It's Koitsubaki here.
This is a very short poem, but there are a few things that I find worthy of being talked about, so let's get right into it!
Outline:
+ The choice of poem structure
- Error in the third line of the poem
- Lack of density and uniqueness in the first five lines
- The author's note
+ First, I'd like to give props for the decision to make this poem an acrostic poem. I think people flock to free-verse poetry more than the established formats because of its liberal nature and less restraining expectations, which makes so commonplace today. The way I see jt, people are overvaluing freedom and forgetting that fine, beautiful vases can also be created after hours upon hours of firing at hellish temperatures. That's why I find it novel and refreshing when poets divide their lines in structures other than the natural rising and falling of the human voice. It also takes a certain level of literacy to be able to pull off structured poems like this. This was a good call on your part.
- There's a bit of an error in the third line. In this context, I think " a long time" would be better than "along time." A little proofreading can help out a lot. Considering the length of this poem, I don't think it would take even half a minute to conpletely scan this poem for errors.
- The problem with the first five lines is that the ideas the are not closely tied to the more specific idea of the feeling being blamed all the time. It's just the generic sadness that teenage poetry is so saturated with these days (I'm sad, I feel hazy, I'm demotivated, I feel hopeless, etc). They're related, but the strong connection to the feeling of being blamed isn't made apparent.
I feel like those five lines could have been used to expound more on the specific feeling of being blamed, or to make a story. That's what the poem also lacks, some context to make the reader learn why the persona feels this way, making them more appreciative of the way she feels.
- The last thing to talk about is the author's note. The part where you ask us readers our pardon has that connotation that you think this poem isn't very good. On top of being unnecessary, it spoiled my perception of the entire poem.
There's a rule in theater that goes along the lines of "If you think you perform badly, then you will perform badly." Don't immediately sell off your poem as bad, because not only is that practically literary suicide on your part, it also ruins the reading experience of the readers! You're giving the audience that wants to like your work even less reasons to like it! I want to enjoy this poem as it is, and I want to feel like I made good use of my time, so please, don't make it hard for me.
I'm really sorry if I sound angry, but what I'm trying to say is, allow us readers to enjoy your literature as they are, and have more faith in yourself. How are we supposed to believe in you and your writing if you're already make the declaration that you don't believe in it yourself?
Besides, writing a poem in a short amount of time isn't necessarily a bad thing. If a reader finds out that the poem they found impressive was actually written in a short amount of time, they'd find it even more so.
That's all I have to say about this poem. Once again, I'm sorry if I was harsh then. I just felt that you needed to be careful with what you say, because author's notes can really affect a reader's perception of a short-form literature.
Nonetheless, I wish you the best of luck in your future writing!
がんばってねー!
~恋椿
Ahhh hello I am Izzy (you know this) and I'm bad at reviews! (you don't know this yet)
First of all, good job! I really wish I had an ounce of your talent. You sorta inspire me.
Second of all, I have a question. the second line "Yielding only when nothing is the same" I don't exactly understand this line. Could you explain this further for me?
I feel you, honestly with the "Least you could do is let me speak".
Umm I'm bad at reviews!
Grammatically, it looks good, it flows great, and yes thats all!
Izzy
*sorry I suck at reviews!
Okay, so what you could do for part of your review next time is take a shot at guessing what the poem means. And thank you for the review Izzy!
Hello Flumaddidle! Wordwing here for a review!
.
.
Warning: This review might be kind of meh because Lightsong already wrote most of what I thought about this poem but I'll write this anyway
1.vagueness
As Lightsong already said, it is too vague. Don't just mention the mask, tell me how it looks like, how it feels like. Same thing with the first line. Describe it. I feel like this poem is too short, but hey, even short poems can be great minus the vagueness. If you can not make it vague in a low number of lines such as this while still being acrostic, it would be great.(Don't worry I have written much worse poems. Check out passion.) NOW THAT IS VAGUE!
2."Underneath this mask, is a girl who has lost motive"
This one really bugs me. I feel like that "is" is unnecessary and just ruins the line.
3."To not throw anything back at me"
This just feels a little meh and I think it cold be done better than that. I'm not sure. It's your choice.
So, for a poem that has been written in 5 minutes, this is good
Stay positive,
Wordwing
I think your Trust me acrostic poem is way better than this, love it!Thank you*
Hey, I'm here to give you a short review!
The first thing that stands out to me is the format of this poem. I understand it's an acrostic one, but with the way you bold and capitalize the first word of each line, it seems like you're forcing us to see that this is indeed an acrostic and the experience isn't pleasant. The thing is with acrostic is that you have to allow the understanding come in naturally. I would suggest to experiment with white spaces because they allow you to direct your reader's focus on the word you want without making it obvious.
I think 'clouded' makes more sense here.
Just a suggestion: since the acrostic message is 'My fault', I think it would be more interesting if you stick with the original form of it. Here for instance, try to make the first line continues from the previous and decapitalize the m. Also, try to avoid giving one-liners in acrostic because it gives the idea that you are restricted by the acrostic format and that means there are many things that are abandoned to fit the nature of this poem.
Talking about restriction an abandoned ideas, I can see the vagueness of this poem. I get the sense that something is done to the speaker and she can't think straight, but there's nothing more for me to understand deeper about the subject. What has happened? What kind of mask is she wearing if there's no indication the hopelessness and the inability to focus are kept inside? Try to give more imagery to describe a certain emotion instead of stating it (such as 'hopeless'). It would do good to the poem.
And that is all! Keep improving!
@Saruka @DemonGoddess @woahhitherepal @wordwing @LordTachanka
Hey, Flumadiddle! Londone here for a review.
You lie, this was not written in five minutesSo, I have good things to say about this. One is that it's a very well carried-out acoustic poem, and I can tell that you put thought into it before writing.
A little note I had was that you seemed to slip into a quick rhyme, but then it went away. That kind of disappointed me because I wanted to see more. (If you don't know what I mean, here it is--)
I liked that rhyme, it brought some light to the concept. (Except along should be a long.)
There seem to be some missing words as well, but the nice flow made up for it. This was a very enjoyable piece to read!
But may I ask you, where were you within yourself while writing this?
I found a darker Flumadiddle in this poem, one that has been feeling pain within herself. You seem to be struggling with self-esteem and confidence, and I hope you're doing alright! I think you got in touch with your inner Fluma and thus produced great work.
One last thing I want to say is that the last two lines (about letting you speak) are really powerful. I think the speaker (or you) just wants someone to talk to about their pain, and I really saw the message. (At least I think so.)
Overall, fantastic work! Always love to see what you've posted.
Londone
*smiles weakly and sends virtual hug* Thanks Londone
*Virtual Huggles* You're welcome. Anytime you ever want to talk, Londy's here.
Also, I did to write this in five minutes.
Fine. I believe you.
I still don't believe youWhy don't you believe me? Huh? HUH? HUUUHHH?
*laughs*
Because it's too good!
*chuckles* I only ever write poems when my thoughts are all over the place. When my emotions are unstable and I am crying behind this screen. When I am freaking out. Poems are built on emotion. Thats how the good ones come about. Plus, it helps calm.
*feels like the wrote to much, said to much but replies anyways*
Awwwww, my little Fluma! It's okay. Write your heart out.
Thanks Londone.
<3