One breath.
Your good,
With a smiling moon
And beautiful wings.
---
Two breaths.
You are ok,
With a setting moon,
And droopy wings.
---
Three breaths.
The sun is rising,
And your wings are getting bloody.
---
Four breaths.
Its high noon,
And your feathers are falling off.
---
Five breaths.
The sun hasn't left yet,
And your wings are gone.
You can't show your feathers,
The colors and scars that tell your stories.
You can't do what you were meant to do.
No more flying, sharing the tales of the Knights.
---
You can't be you.
Because your wings were taken, your air.
The moon that saved you, let you breathe,
Will not comeback.
---
Six breaths.
The sun moves a bit.
And maybe the wings will be back.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Thanks for sharing this very interesting version of the Icarus' attempt at flight. I like this version better because of its gradual description of how he loses his wings. I also like the use of second person singular. Made me feel as if I was the one flying. But here instead of wax holding them together we have the wings actually as a part of the our anatomy and their falling off causing blood and scars to appear. Flying ability is somehow related to our breathing. We are never told that we plummet into the sea, so the question arises on how we are staying aloft after losing our wings. Our ability to regain our wings seems dependent on the moon's reappearance.
The poem can be understood as an extended metaphor related to how we cannot be ourselves if our ambitions to soar to set goals and reach for them no matter how lofty they might seem-our wings, are lost. The moon might be understood as referring to those who encourage and help us in our ambitions while the sun might be understood to be those who are hell-bent on stopping us.
Suggestions
Will not comeback. [Will not come back.]
Its high noon, [It's high-noon,]
Your good, [you're good,]
"will return" can be used to avoid the repetition of "back".
Umm, it wasn't about Icarus, although I love that story, myth whatever you please to call it. It was about how I am more comfortable at night, where I don't feel scared to be around my sister and shizz.
Thanks for the clarification.
no problem
Wow, lit spotlight already!
Thank you!
Love it! Tag me next time you write one of these, okay?
-LJF
Og course!
Hiya Fluma! Space here for a review. (Thanks for tagging me!)
Wow...this is amazing! I love how you bolded certain words in each stanza, and made other words italic. It really emphasized the feeling behind those words.
I like the idea of the wing-bound protagonist having their wings, their wings that seem to mean something to them (as said in stanza #6 ), but as the sun rises they begin to fall off, leaving nothing but scars and making the protagonist feel as if they lost something dear to them, due to all the memories and stories the wings held.
What are the wings a metaphor for? Why do they fall off when the sun rises? Who knows? I like how it leaves also a sense of mystery because the reader does not know the meaning behind these questions, yet is still emotionally moved due to the brilliant writing and topic, strung onto each word and questioning the mystery.
You did a really good job on this poem! I enjoyed it!
Good job!
-Space the Snickerdoodle
Well, i am more comfortable and... vulnerable during the night. I am more willing to share things then in the day. I can spread my wings and be me when my family is awake. But when day comes, its like every time my wings, my voice and personality is ripped away again.
I completely understand! It's a really cool metaphor for a very personal topic, and I like it. ^^
Oh my god, I don't know what to say.... I wish I knew what inspired you to write this! But I know I ave to interpret that on my own... But you did amazing Fluma... masterpiece.
Thank you Lake!
But Of Course!XD
Hello, Fluma!
I'll dig right into this if that's fine with you.
My literary analysis boils down to a parallel with the story of Icarus who flew too close to the sun and died due to his wax wings melting. There's also a distinct message of the passage of time and the concept of suffering and recovering/enduring. I appreciate this because of the multifaceted approach you took, whether intentional or not.
What doesn't make sense to me are the bolded words--arbitrary emphasis that interrupts flow for no sake at all. And while this may have a great deal of value in your intentions, author's intentions mean nothing in the publishing world. Your material will be out in the world without your commentary, and you'll have to live with the opinions of your readers until you do signings and tours. And this may not happen. It's becoming more and more rare by the day.
All that said, your theme and ideas are clear and they come through well and connect. I laud that. Just spend some time going over your flow with your voice and natural breath speed to give us (the readers) the pace you feel in your head. All the best,
Ty
Beautiful
@Dreamworx95 @DemonGoddess @woahhitherepal @WhosabellCanWrite @TheBlueCat @LittleLee @269609 @Lake @LordTachanka @LadyLoki @AnneTaylor @Danni88 @GreenTea @Murphy2493 @Helena13 @emolemon @wordwing @SpaceSnickerdoodle @LJF
I thank thee.
No problem!