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Pocket Full Of Posies

by DeerInBacPac


I have these dark thoughts,

Can't you tell they burden yet lighten me? 

And some just see a girl with a head so full of dreams, 

None knows what I really see.  

Authors Note - 

This poem is a follow up to Ring Around The Rosy  


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:25 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@ZeldaIsShiek




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Thu Oct 26, 2017 5:14 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Flamadiddle! Casanova here to do a review for you, so let's get to it, shall we?

THe first thing I have to say on this is I feel you're restricting yourself y the style choice, the whole read the first letter on the left down to see what I'm really saying. That's a good style in some instances, but I'm not really getting that much out of it this time. Anyway, onward.

I feel like you could add so much more to this by going into more detail about the situation you're going through instead of focusing on literal feelings. What I like doing is take a situation, think of how I feel about it, then pick something in imagery that makes me feel that way and use that to describe my emotion. If I'm hurt, I use lost at sea as imagery. If I'm happy, I use roses and hearts as my imagery. If I'm wooing over an ex, I tend to use everything as my imagery. If you get my point here. Anyway, onward.

the next thing is that I feel like this was too short of a poem, it just abruptly ends and I didn't like that too well, but I'll have to read the next one to find out exactly what is going on in the poem, I guess.

I've done a few multiple part poems before, and I think that they can be done well, but each one should have it's own theme or it's own imagery, because if not then they seem to blend together and not really create a unique image as a,"part."

Anyway, I think this just needs some practice and love as you grow it for the harvest.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Casanova




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Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:13 pm
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PenmanshipPriority wrote a review...



Hello Flumadiddle

First of all I'm a bit confused about the whole follow up thing and would appreciate it if you would reply to me with your thoughts and insight on that. I understand that the original 'Ring a Ring a Ring o' Roses or Ring Around the Rosie (depending on where you're from) is a popular nursery rhyme that many say originates from the horrors of the 'Black Death', starting from 1348. I may of got the whole context wrong here and if so, I will definitely get rid of this information and confusion that I start my review with. If this is a follow up to that particular nursery rhyme, are you still trying to create the original flow of the nursery rhyme or make it separate

I studied history to it's fullest extent so forgive all of this background information if it's deemed irrelevant.

A pocket full of posies relates to the herbal remedies that were carried as protection in the Medieval period because of this deadly outbreak of the plague. I understand that you're going for a dark theme with this one (which also relates to the urban legend) and I like that.

Now for the constructive criticism...

I think everyone has pretty much covered the 'No one' correction that I agree with instead of None.

I think you should definitely make the 'Authors Note' separate because it takes away from the poem, as short as it is. I also understand that you are going for the acrostic that you've made very obvious, there are a couple of words that you can start the line off with. I also understand that if you still want to state that it's a side note it will be hard to find a replacement that fits with the rest of the poem. I don't think it's really necessary though because I like the fact that it also rhymes in a way towards the end.

If you have any questions (and I'm sure you'd like to correct me on my assumption of the poem's background info) please feel free to PM me!

PenmanshipPriority




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Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:19 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
I have these dark thoughts,

Can{'t} you tell they burden yet lighten me? {The flow is off here. You should probably figure out how to take a word out}

And some just see a girl with a head so full of dreams{.}

{No one} knows what I really see. {Huh? I'm confused}

This poem is a follow-up to Ring Around the Rosy {I wouldn't put this as an actual line in the stanza, but as a separate author's note}


Other than that one confusing line, this was pretty good! The acrostic was well done and the poem, if you look into it deeply, is way darker than it seems :D great job and keep up the great work.

Also, to make the "can't" more obvious, maybe start a line with an apostrophe? Several examples of words that start with "'" are:

Spoiler! :
'bout

'Tis

'em

'cause


Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Wed Oct 25, 2017 4:25 am
LordTachanka says...



I larb it!




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Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:35 pm
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Saruka wrote a review...



Hi Flumadiddle! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.

None knows what I really see.

I think you meant 'no one'.
I have these thoughts,

Can you describe the thoughts

And... that's it for constructive criticism! That may be since this a very short piece, but great things come in small packages! I especially liked the line, "Can you tell they burden yet lighten me?". This was a really good piece!

Keep writing!

*pretend the KOTGR icon is here, I lost the picture*




DeerInBacPac says...


Thanks Saru! I will try and fix some things.



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But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore