So, I wake and here you are,
To only greet loudly, scaring me.
Only to make me feel shunned when I thought things were fixed.
Please, I feel like a convict.
Over and over this happens,
Kindlessly drowning me again, when all I need is for you to hear me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
So, I wake and here you are,
Give me your soul and congrats on featured member by the way.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
To only greet {me} loudly, scaring me.
Only to make me feel shunned when I thought things were fixed.
Please, I feel like a convict.
Over and over {and over again} this happens,
Kindlessly drowning me again, when all I need is for you to hear me.
My interpretation:
I know exactly who this poem is about, and I know it's personal, so...
Overall:
Overall, I liked, but I feel like the acrostic poetry is starting to get a bit redundant. I would experiment with other types of poetry. Take "the sounds of the fire truck sirens," for example, or poetry from @alliyah. Try that style. That would be my main suggestion
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Got it. Thanks for the review kara!
yo welcome
hello E.E, Adrienne here for review
GOOD POEM MY PAL!!
however there were a few flow issues.
like
"So, I wake and here you are,
To only greet loudly, scaring me."
i feel like this could have been worded better to make the flow nicer.
"Only to make me feel shunned when I thought things were fixed."
okay i get that you're trying to keep your acrostic poem theme but please don't let that get in the way of your flow. this line made perfect sense in theory, but with how this line is written, and the flow of the entire poem in general, i think this line should have least been separated into two lines after the word "shunned" and before the word "when". that would have made more sense but that would mess up your acrostic theme. maybe try rewording a bit.
please do not get me wrong, i truly do like this poem, i like what you were trying to get across, you just need to work on the flow slightly and everything will be honky dory
have a wonderful day aND MERRY CHRISTMAS 2ND
>Adrian
AdRiaN NO! Its Thanksgiving. Unless you don't celebrate it. And thanks! I will fix it as soon as possible.
@Saruka @DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @ZeldaIsShiek @woahhitherepal