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Again?

by DeerInBacPac


So, I wake and here you are,

To only greet loudly, scaring me.

Only to make me feel shunned when I thought things were fixed.

Please, I feel like a convict.

Over and over this happens,

Kindlessly drowning me again, when all I need is for you to hear me. 


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364 Reviews


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Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:36 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul and congrats on featured member by the way.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
So, I wake and here you are,

To only greet {me} loudly, scaring me.

Only to make me feel shunned when I thought things were fixed.

Please, I feel like a convict.

Over and over {and over again} this happens,

Kindlessly drowning me again, when all I need is for you to hear me.


My interpretation:



I know exactly who this poem is about, and I know it's personal, so...

Overall:



Overall, I liked, but I feel like the acrostic poetry is starting to get a bit redundant. I would experiment with other types of poetry. Take "the sounds of the fire truck sirens," for example, or poetry from @alliyah. Try that style. That would be my main suggestion :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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DeerInBacPac says...


Got it. Thanks for the review kara!



zaminami says...


yo welcome



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54 Reviews


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Reviews: 54

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Thu Nov 02, 2017 10:14 pm
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woahhitherepal wrote a review...



hello E.E, Adrienne here for review (:
GOOD POEM MY PAL!!
however there were a few flow issues.
like
"So, I wake and here you are,

To only greet loudly, scaring me."
i feel like this could have been worded better to make the flow nicer.

"Only to make me feel shunned when I thought things were fixed."
okay i get that you're trying to keep your acrostic poem theme but please don't let that get in the way of your flow. this line made perfect sense in theory, but with how this line is written, and the flow of the entire poem in general, i think this line should have least been separated into two lines after the word "shunned" and before the word "when". that would have made more sense but that would mess up your acrostic theme. maybe try rewording a bit.
please do not get me wrong, i truly do like this poem, i like what you were trying to get across, you just need to work on the flow slightly and everything will be honky dory
have a wonderful day aND MERRY CHRISTMAS 2ND
>Adrian




DeerInBacPac says...


AdRiaN NO! Its Thanksgiving. Unless you don't celebrate it. And thanks! I will fix it as soon as possible.



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Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:59 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@Saruka @DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @ZeldaIsShiek @woahhitherepal





The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown