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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi, i'm a fairly new member of yws so i'll try to review this as well as i can.
Firstly, i like your general idea of this poem, it was very creative and interesting so well done for doing so. I like that you've included nature, a topic which has many imageries. I also like how you've been descriptive, setting the scene and put your perspective - your opinion on everything.
But, there are some suggestions i'd like to make to help you improve your poem, it started off with a great first verse but then after that some things started to fall apart.
You use the word "tired" twice, it's not really a big problem, i just wish you used a different word to describe how the forests were tired, in the first stanza. I think you should have turned your questions into actual questions in your second stanza, by adding a question mark because that would leave some kind of thought to the reader, rather than it be written as a statement.
You also sound very unsure of a lot of things in your second stanza in particular, you say, "I guess it's because..." twice which makes your poem sound quite weak.
In your fourth line, "I guess it's because i feel that I don't belong", maybe you could say,
"Perhaps it's because I don't belong." That is more effective in my opinion.
Also, in this sentence, "not in cities, or houses, or roadsides", it seems a bit awkward. I'd suggest just a minor change of shortening it. You could instead say, " not in cities, houses or roadsides." I think it feels less awkward like that.
You closing line was also slightly weak, "I'd just fade away and i wouldn't really be there at all."
A suggestion of mine is to possibly change it to, "I'd fade away and exist no more." Maybe something more along those lines?
Overall a very good poem, keep writing! I hope I was of help to you, feel free to message me for any questions.
- Infinity x
Hi there, Persy.
Your first stanza is great. I love "spines of pines" because it's an internal rhyme (those are my favorite) and it's extremely descriptive. Lovely.
I think that you should start the poem by saying "I am dried out" rather than "I feel" to make the first line seem stronger.
I don't think "decaying" is the correct word here.
The second stanza, while good, and continuing the feeling of weariness left over from the first stanza, needs a bit more work.
this line is rather clunky. I would omit "me" and "so much" to cut it down to a more wieldy length.
this line is uncharacteristically unsure of you. It's really wishy washy sounding. Take a stand!
omit "not." It's redundant. Also, take out the comma after belong in the previous line. Also, add "by" in front of "roadsides."
This ending completely disregards everything you did in the first stanza with nature. How does nature connect with you fading away? Also, enough with the guessing. Stop guessing.
While it needs some work, you still have wonderful images. Nice work. I hope this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting!
Hi Persy, this is interesting. Here are some thoughts:
I enjoyed this opening immensely. It sort of gives me that image of a dried out Christmas tree that is just drained of its life.
I'm not sure of the rhyme here. It's too strong, that long "I" paired with that rough "P".
I wasn't sure about the first line of this stanza at first, but I think it grew on me. Mostly because it is really the soul of this poem here. I would omit "me" perhaps to make it less clunky.
However I have no idea how this line got in there. I mean, saying "I guess it's because" in this lovely poem is just anathema. Strike it dead quickly please.
Again, this is just a really weak ending. And there is that phrase again! Ah, your poetry is so much better than that. There are better ways to show uncertainty or hesitance or apathy or whatever is was you were trying to convey there. I feel like you may have been intentionally using everyday language, but with the first stanza and its lovely poetic-ness, you can't just switch right over.
The second stanza needs some serious work. It feels as though it was patched together and it's really suffering. Plus the theme between the two stanzas (not to mention the word choice) makes this feel like two different poems.
I can understand leading with the whole premise that all your poetry is nature-y and then there is this sort of interruption and questioning of why, but it's not a terrific concept. I'm not awed by it. You might want to lead with the thought (the first line of the second stanza) and then go into the flourished nature imagery.
Anyway, my two cents. Hope it is helpful.
Hey Nia,
You sneaky posted this and didn't even tell me!
"Spines of pines" is so delicious, I want to eat it all up. I don't think decaying is the word you want. There's a particular word for that thing where erroding! Erroding might be a better word for those cliffs. Although it isn't quite the same.
Lose "so much" even if that's the thing they say, so much. Because it's much more powerful and more pained and resigned and honest to say it without that. They're not asking why so much, they're just asking why.
Your ending doesn't connect to what you're saying. It does, of course, but because the nature doesn't get to decide and maybe it wouldn't fade away but maybe you mean you are like the nature and you have no choice but to continue and to exist the way you are moving so slowly. And they get to disappear as though they never existed but you can't, you're always making marks and touching people and breathing in and out and in and where can you go when that is everything you are?
I like your ending now that I've convinced myself but I feel like you'll get other disagreement on it. Not that it's important if I like it, but I feel like maybe I don't jive on the "really" there, because I want this to be straight and frank and no qualifiers because you're not a qualificaiton here. The You is a subject, THE subject and they need to be more than qualified and quantified, they need to be let go and drift. I also want so bad that you guess with a semi colon or colon or dash because I love how that means, the guessing that is what it is and also saying "and I guess" as a definitive statement.
I'm not much help but I really like this, more than some of your recent works (all of them maybe) because it's got the right balance of words and intent. Nice work.
~ <3