Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Once there was a family who lived in a large apartment in the city. The city, though a little run-down, was a big tourist spot due to the supposed hauntings. One of the biggest stories was about a girl, who had lived in that house, who worshipped Jesus. One day, some atheist boys in her school bullied her and then raped her. Eventually, the girl had the atheist kids nail her to a cross, saying that it was the "only way to go". The atheist boys, who thought that she was just kidding, nailed her to the crucifix with the thought process that the nails wouldn't kill her.
They were wrong.
She ripped one of her hands from the cross and grabbed a hidden axe behind her when they were gone. She took that axe and smashed her head in, letting her arm dangle to the side.
Ever since, there have been reports of a girl with a bloody head and a broken arm wandering the streets shouting prayers to God.
And soon came the reports of Christian people disappearing from their own homes. Especially the ones who just moved in. And especially to the ones who moved into her home.
---
Lief bounded into his new apartment, excited. The house is haunted, came his thought process, staring at the apparently abandoned building. Well, it looked haunted, anyway. Wow! Super exciting! It doesn't matter that the city isn't full of kids for me to play with! I have a cool house full of ghosts! His dirty blonde hair waved up and down as his red Sketchers thumped against the wooden floor. But as his blue eyes took in his new home, his heart sank low, low underground.
The flower wallpaper was peeling off of the walls and he could see mouse droppings scattered all over the rotten wooden floors. The lights, furniture, and everything else looked like it hadn't been used for years. Is this what they meant in that the house was "abandoned"?
"Lief?" His mother called. Lief could hear high heels clicking on the old concrete steps as she climbed up to where her son was. Hearing a clang, Lief turned around. The rusted railing had fallen down in front of his horror-stricken mother.
Lief, upon seeing her blue eyes as wide as the sun above, ran to her and hugged her as tight as possible. "Are you okay, Mommy?" The battered Prius in the background shone in the light. Suddenly he just wanted to go home to the big house and not the looming apartment behind him.
"The Lord help me, I knew I shouldn't have gotten this house," she mumbled instead of answering his question, still shocked. "The repairs are going to cost more than what I payed for it."
She grumbled a few curses and shook her head, removing any cobwebs from her brain. Glancing at the moving truck in disdain, she turned back around again and hugged Lief tightly. "Yes, I'm fine." She scrutinized his face, which was looking up at her worriedly, and sighed, taking in the tired- but hyper- 8-year old.
"Let's just... go inside, okay? I've got YooHoos, honey." Lief's mother peeled her son off of her and rubbed his head as he stared at her with loving, brown eyes.
---
As Lief played with his LEGOs, he heard his mother open the door to the bathroom and scream. He jumped up and ran to her side and found her staring at the mirror. She shook her head, golden curls flying everywhere, and calmed down.
"What's wrong?" he asked her. He loved his mother so much and he didn't want anything to happen to her.
"Nothing," she answers. "Nothing at all." She walked over and squeezed him as tight as she could anyways, like it'll be the last hug she'll ever give.
---
Lief laid on his makeshift bed-- a sleeping bag sprawled on top of a springy mattress- wide awake. As Lief twisted and turned, he thought about how awesome he had thought his house would be- shiny and huge, in a city full of kids who would want to play with him and parks and toys and awesome airplanes and SUPER-COOL GHOSTS!
Instead, he was stuck in a, albeit large, dirty apartment in the middle of a cold city with no kids, a horrible park (he should know; his mother drove past it), barely any toys- as they had to sell most of the old ones- pollution, and no ghosts at all!
That last part was the most horrible... to 8-year old, naïve Lief anyways.
Lief sighed and reached his fat little fingers to turn on the light. Feeling a cord, he pulled it and golden light filled the room. Reaching inside of his bag of things, his hand closed around a big, battered book titled: "Ghosts and Ghouls: A Tale of Horrors". It was a children's book but Lief read it anyways to calm himself.
"In a dark, dark house, in the middle of the night, lived a spoooooky ghost," Lief read out loud. "He rattled white chains and was almost invisible and left a trail of slime wherever he went."
There was some childish writing along the bottom of the margin with red crayon saying "NOT SLIME, ECOPLASTER." Lief had written that; he had read another book with that term in it. He kept reading as creaks rang throughout the house and wind banged the 1,000 -year old shutters against the windows.
"He shouts "Boo!' and scares ALL the little children away from the house, all except one."
A bang startled Lief. It had come from downstairs. Lief shuddered and kept reading.
"Terry was a fearless boy. He walked right up to the house and said, 'Hey Ghost! I have come to see you!' And the ghost said-"
Another bang could be heard from downstairs. Lief gulped and turned off the light so he wouldn't have to read the scary story anymore.
More bangs were ringing through the house as he fell asleep. They sounded like a hammer to nails.
---
When Lief woke up, he knew that something was wrong. Very wrong. He could just... feel it, in the air. Grabbing his teddy bear, Terry (named after the character), Lief walked into his mother's room to have her comfort him and opened the door.
He slammed it in horror.
When he cracked open the door again, blood splashed against his shoes. It ricocheted in small ripples in the crimson liquid. Lief jumped back and examined the scene before him.
His mother was crucified, but that wasn't all. Her head had been smashed in viciously by some kind of... thing. Her life force was spilled all over her clothes, the crucifix, her nailed-on hands. The red liquid was everywhere on floor and on her bed, which she was suspended above. There was also a fleshy thing sitting on the bloody bed. What it was Lief didn't want to know.
But the most chilling things was her eyes, which were open in horror, filmed over by a milky white.
Lief screamed as loud as he can, sending the flies that had collected in his mother's open mouth. After the swarm left the room (buzzing over Lief's head), Lief screamed even louder, for his mother's tongue has been torn out. With a sudden jolt of realization, Lief figured out that the fleshy thing on the bed was his mother's tongue. This made Lief throw up, contaminating the blood even more than it already has. Turning, Lief ran, half-sobbing and half-screaming, down the hallway. Mommy's gone!
He slid down the stairs, the bloody shoes leaving marks on the floor as he ran out the door. Passing the fallen railing, he fell onto the driveway and scraped his knee. When he realized his mother would never again put bandages on boo-boos and scrapes, he cried even harder.
When the police came, her body was gone. So was the blood. So was the tongue. They disregarded Lief as hallucinating and they shipped him off to the Boarding School for Boys, which was in a city near him.
But Lief could have sworn he saw his mother's body in that room. His sneakers, which he had kept, still had the blood stains on them, so how could you explain that? Besides, his mother was never seen again, but the police said that she just ran away. Why would she run away from HIM?! He was her little boy!
He couldn't explain it. Not until years later.
---5 years later---
You are now old enough.
Lief woke up drenched in sweat. He's been having this nightmare for weeks now, as well as waking dreams in school. He's gotten in ISS several times for dozing off and waking up screaming. Maybe that's why he skips classes.
He sighed, got up, and walked to the bathroom. He steals a glance at his now too-small sneakers with the blood stains. They always made him uneasy but he needed to look at them to remind him what had happened to him mother- even though the case was closed 5 years ago, the police still didn't think that his mother was murdered.
Lief was convinced that she was. The sneakers were the proof.
After all these years, nobody could explain why his sneakers were stained with blood. How would that happen when there was no body, Lief had never hunted (he was a pacifist), and there was no blood? It had stumped everyone but it didn't stop the police from closing the subject purely for the reason that there was nothing in that room.
Lief, going over this in his head, shook the cobwebs out of his brain as he opened the bathroom door. He looked at his disheveled blondish hair, changed from puberty, and noticed something red behind him.
He screamed at the crucifix holding his body and dripping blood with the smiling girl standing right besides it.
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125,037 Literary Works • 672,924 Reviews
Hi, KaraStevens.
Someone else wrote it and I agree, the story had potential but you need to work some more on it. My first issue was with grammar, and especially with how you hesitated between past and present tense. But I will go back to that in details in the end.
The story was perfectly clear but there were small holes in it that makes it slightly less appealing.
It's clear that it's a ghost story but you have no story behind the haunting, nothing that indicates how Lief 'caught' it. People actually like to have some kind of logic to a haunting: the video, the phone call and the countdown in The Ring or the order of the deaths and their apparent randomness in the Final Destination movies, etc. You only have a kind of mirror effect between Lief's haunting and his mother. It didn't feel like enough to me but it's a very short story so…
That being said, that mirror effect was very well-done. I especially liked that both Lief and his mother shook their heads to clear off spiderwebs. I always find it cute when children copy their parents' mannerism.
I liked that your focus in the beginning of the story was on Lief's opinion of the house. But I didn't understand why he thought the house was haunted. I'm assuming it is because of the way it looked. Maybe the story should start with Lief boucing out of the car and a brief description of the building.
That's all for me, except for this:
« [The?] house was haunted! Wow! Super exciting! It [didn't] matter that the neighborhood wasn't full of kids! »
« The lights, furniture, and everything else looked like it [hadn't] been used for years. »
« "Oh my, I knew I shouldn't have gotten this house," she mumbled, still shocked. "The repairs are going to cost more than what I payed for [it]." »
« As Lief played with his LEGOs[,] he [heard, or could hear] his mother open the door to the bathroom and scream. He [jumped up and ran] to her, finding her staring at the mirror. She [shook] her head and [calmed] down. »
« "What's wrong?" he [asked] her.
"Nothing," she [answered]. "Nothing at all." »
« Lief [laid] on his makeshift bed-- a sleeping bag sprawled on top of a springy mattress, making [for?] a very uncomfortable sleep. As Lief twisted and turned, he thought about how awesome he [had] thought his house would be- shiny and huge, in a neighborhood full of children who would want to play with him and parks and toys and awesome airplanes and SUPER-COOL GHOSTS! »
« Another bang could be heard from downstairs. Lief gulped and turned off the light so he [wouldn't] have to read the scary story anymore. »
« When he [cracked] open the door again, blood splashed against his shoes. »
« The red liquid was everywhere on [the floor] and on her bed, [above] which she was suspended. »
« But the most chilling [thing] was her eyes, which were open in horror, filmed over by a milky white. »
« Lief screamed as loud as he [could], sending the flies that had collected in his mother's open mouth [flying?]. After the swarm left the room (buzzing over Lief's head), Lief screamed even louder, for his mother's tongue [had] been torn out. »
« But Lief could have sworn he [had seen] his mother's body in that room. His sneakers, which he had kept, still had the blood stains on them, so how could you explain that? Besides, his mother [had been] never seen again, but the police said that she [had] just [run] away. »
« They [still make] him uneasy but he [still needs] to look at them to remind [himself of] what [] happened to [his] mother- even though the case [has now been] closed [for 5 years], the police still [doesn't] think that his mother [has been] murdered. »
« Lief [is still] convinced that she was. The sneakers [are] proof [of that]. »
« All these years, nobody [has been able to] explain why his sneakers were stained with blood. How would that [have happened] when there was no body, Lief had never hunted (he was a pacifist), and there was no blood? It [] stumped everyone but it didn't stop the police from closing the subject purely for the reason that there was nothing in that room. »
« Lief, going over this in his head, [shakes] the cobwebs out of his brain as he [opens] the bathroom door. He [looks] at his disheveled blondish hair, changed from puberty [looks weird], and [he notices] something red behind him. »
« He [screams] at the crucifix holding his body and dripping blood. »
Hey. I liked this story, it was quite thrilling in parts - I feel as if the description of the mother's dead body was very well done, and it was quite a sudden moment, so it was able to be thrilling as it was a sudden transition. You've also made a good attempt at building up the tension earlier on in the story, and I specifically liked how you matched the banging sounds from the house with the 'boo' sound from the story that Lief was reading.
However, I think that you still could have built up the tension more than you already did. Probably because this story was short, not much happened before the dead mother was revealed. Because of that, the only shock value to the scene came from the suddenness of it. I think that maybe you could have had several scenes where Lief interacted with his mother to show their close relationship (which would have made the death scene more heart-wrenching and meaningful) and a few scenes to foreshadow the death by showing that the house is haunted (such as a cup falling off a table without being touched, or minor things like this).
Also, I think that you could have somehow included a ghost/supernatural entity in the deaths to really make the house seem haunted - the way you've set up the deaths, they seem to happen for no reason and at random times, so maybe if you had developed a supernatural entity and given it a reason to kill inhabitants of the house you could have built up the suspense for Lief's death by having the ghost chase after him/tell Lief when he would die or something.
Finally, you've used the present tense for a bit after the time skip, and I think it would have made more sense to use the past tense.
Overall, this was a very good story that was perhaps too short.
Hey there KaraStevens. Birdman dropping by to help rescue your work from the green room.
Plot
The ending was somewhat easy to predict, even though I didn't know exactly how the character was going to die. But everyone knew he was just gonna die because that's how hauntings and short stories set up like this work. And in this manner of easy predictability, the plot is plain and with few thrills. You called it horror. I call it the late seasons of X-Files when they ran out of monsters.
I think it was really the exclusion of the supernatural beings that caused the trouble, that made this tilt towards not great.
The MC
As I understand it, the first part of this story is being told through the thoughts of an 8 year old. His thoughts are just a bit too complex for the age range you're trying to hit which just makes this cornier. I couldn't take any part of this character seriously and I don't really know if I was supposed to either.
(to be honest though, I don't see many people on here writing horror and comedy together, just doesn't happen.)
His very slight interactions with his mother are also awkward because the narrator just doesn't place everything in the right mindset. There's no connection between these people, it's like they've never met, despite according to the story she's always had custody, always been there. Do you understand what I mean? The details and the emotions surrounding them conflict over and over again, so this will be something for you to consider during editing.
All about those caps, no undercase
It's screaming, man. Plain and simple. But wait it's being used for emphasis and not screaming, how cute. To me it just comes by as line after line of screaming out thoughts, that yes the mc is excited or powerful emotions about, but your readers deserve another type of emphasis. Might I suggest bold in these cases of wanting to highlight something but not wanting it to pop out too much.
Then also comes the case of the thoughts of the main character, where you may want to separate them out a bit using italics. They're sort of funky and not really following along with the rest of the story.
Overall
The story has potential but you're going to have to put a lot into it. I know that short stories aren't always the best at filling in some of the details but to aid in the mystery of the circumstances, add in an urban legend about the house. Make the character a bit more mature in age to start with so shipping him off to an insane asylum is more plausible. Just basically mend the little things here and there to make the story connect better. Right now it just doesn't fit. Find a way to put the puzzle together without cutting off any edges.
That's all for now.
Questions about this review? PM me.
Birdman out.