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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Percy Jackson for the winnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, according to Rick Riordan, people who are demigods have dyslexia, not perfect grades and scores.
"What are you, a robot? Look at your report card. You have A's in every class, one hundred percents filling the blanks, and outstanding scores flooding every class you have! What are you?!?!"
And, why would three, three monsters be attacking? Only one is needed!
"My teacher started to evolve in a really ugly creature. I saw a picture of it in my Greek history book. It was a Minotaur. Then, Miss Clark and Mr. Fischer started to evolve. Miss Clark evolved into a fury. Mr. Fischer evolved into Cyclopes."
Lastly, in the monsters scene, it wasn't my favorite. Furies, for one, aren't going to fly away because they're stabbed with a scissor. Cyclops don't die because they're stabbed in the eye or behind the knee. And Minotaurs don't fall over if they're stabbed. That's all my nitpicks. Byezeez, I will like this!
-wisegirl22
omg that was AWESOME!have you read heroes of olympus? if so awesome!!! i will be surprised if you don't end up being a famous author. keep up the good work!!!
Hi Unknown391625! I just want to say that I haven't read the competition rules, as I couldn't find them, so some of theses nitpicks might be invalid.
First, Mr. Lynch asks "What are you?" then Miss Clark says "We know what you are!" I recommend you take out one.
This is just a small nitpick- "He threw be off of him," should be, "He threw ME off of him."
The fight must have made a lot of noise. Where were the other students? At least a couple of them would have seen what all was going on.
The mythical beasts attack one by one. That's one of the most common mistakes in movies or books. Realistically, they'd be all over Emilee. It's hard to make the protagonist win a fight against three monsters that would crush her, so I suggest making it one or two.
Emilee walks right up behind the cyclopes. She shouldn't be able to do that. Even if the cyclopes can't see, the minotaur would get her. This is why I suggested bring down the number of monsters.
The fury is pointless. Emilee just throws scissors and it flies away. The best thing to do would be to get rid of the fury completely.
Does Emilee have super strength? She breaks off the horn easily, and I would think that minotaur horns are hard to break off.
Lastly, what do you mean they monsters "hate" being stabbed there? Is it their weak spot? Or do they just dislike being hit there, which have little effect on beating them. Related to this, you don't need the sentence, "I knew monsters hated that spot to be stabbed." You already say they hate being hit there. This sentence doesn't need to exist.
There might be many things wrong with this, but I do like the plot idea. You should make this into a book. It has loads of potential.
-M.P. Tigers
Hey unknown!
So I read the rules of this competition after I read this piece, so I had to reconsider a few of the points I was going to say. It might be worth putting the rules at the top of this post? Anyways, on with the review.
What I liked about this piece was that I think you did a good job in having a really action packed thing, which is obviously what you were going for. I was going to critique the length of this piece, but because it had to be so short I understand more now, and I really enjoyed reading this.
Even though the teacher knew she was a Greek demigod, I just find this sentence a bit odd- like why would the teacher ask this. I feel this is a case of the author moving around stuff to fit the story, rather than something more realistic.
The fight scene is good, but seeing as it is the main part of your story, I feel like there could be some improvements in it. Remember that when you're writing an action scene, you want quite short sentences, and short paragraphs. Don't make it too broken up, but those two paragraphs are quite long to read. The best action scenes have a mix of short sentences for the action, and longer sentences to describe how the main character is feeling.
It's obvious from the first bit that Emilee is her name, so you don't really need that second line.
I'm not sure what else to say, if there wasn't a word limit, I'd definitely say add some more descriptions, because right now there really aren't many. I'd say for something like this, you really just want to focus on describing what's happening, and using adjectives so describe the setting.
A sentence like that ^ I'd probably just take out completely. You don't really want to have details like that, because you don't really have time to bring in more dimensions to your character.
I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
I really did enjoy the short story. But for a interesting plot, I really recommend you make this story into a novel. I believe that it would extend the plot to it's full potential. I liked Emilee Rider as a character who was very intelligent rather than the more powerful, but very dumb Percy Jackson. Also, naming you chapters would be fine too
. I always loved the details and vocabulary(Don't say I sound like an English teacher), it was perfect. The setting, however, of the story was very dull and confusing. Also, the ending was wayyyyyyyyy too brief. I would like you to extend the end and divide the stuff happening into chapters. Love your story <3.
Stab ALL the demon teachers in the back of the legs with a pair of scissors!
Lol! I remember something in a Percy Jackson book that that was the soft spot for monsters.
" I will never have another creepy teacher like Mr. Lynch again."
That almost sounds like the ending to an essay. I would change that to "That ugly bugger isn't going to be bothering me any more." Or, you can get rid of it entirely.
Ok good idea thanks
np