z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 7

by Rook


Chapter 7

~917 words

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” thought Jay dejectedly. The next few days were filled with endless walking. They passed few towns, but when they did pass one, they always stopped to buy a half a pound of cheese, a loaf of bread, and whatever vegetable or fruit was most common in the town. Most of the time they were foods that Jay had heard of, but there were times Shep bought something completely alien to him. One such fruit was a “Jerechom,” a slightly sweet, slightly salty fruit with very little juice and a lot of skin.

The rest of the time was spent walking even farther. Jay was getting blisters, but Fleta and Shep seemed well enough. “Good roads,” said Shep, admiring a particularly well-kempt stretch.

“Who’s in charge of keeping them clean?” Jay asked.

Shep scratched his head. “Well, I s’pose that it might be the road trolls, if they have them in these parts. Road trolls do a good job. They take pride in their work.”

“Trolls?” Jay reminded himself to never forget that any creature could exist in this other world. “Aren’t trolls supposed to be smelly, rude, and don’t they eat people?”

“Well I wo-“ Shep was cut off my an indignant gravelly shout from somewhere.

“Oy! Git off our road if that’s ‘ow you see us!” Two short creatures clambered out of the bushes to the side of the road. They were reddish and were dressed only in loin cloths. They hat pot bellies and two sharp white tusks that peeked out from beneath their large noses. Their heads were misshapen, and their eyes murderous.

The second one piped up in a voice higher than the first, “Yeah! I got half a mind to stick ye like a peg!”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it, right Jason?” Shep asked, his voice suddenly grave.

Jay just stared. Shep elbowed him. “Right Jason?”

“It ain’t nice to stare,” muttered the first troll, shuffling his elephantine feet.

Jay broke his gaze and looked at the ground. “Yessir, sorry sir, I had no idea.”

“Sir?” the second troll broke into a crooked grin, “I like this one, and it’s not too wrong to say that we’re smelly and a bit rude.

“But we don’t eat people! The very nerve,” sniffed the first troll.

Shep made a small bow to the trolls, “What are you two’s names?”

“I’m Gilfred,” said the second troll, “and this here is Godfrey.”

“Pleased to make your acquaintances,” said Fleta.

“I as well,” said Shep. “Neither of you two have seen any sheep wandering about, have you?”

“If we did, we would’ve eaten it straight away. But no, I don’t believe we ‘ave,” answered Godfrey. Jay noticed the sheep back away from the trolls a few steps.

“Oh well,” responded Shep, “Have you any idea as to how long it is to Mystor?”

“Acourse we do! Ain’t no troll worth ‘is salt that don’t know ‘is own road as good as ‘is right hand. It be just over two hours away, not far at all. In fact, we be ‘eading there ourselves,” Gilfred puffed up his chest a bit, “We got some business with a ‘portent fella.”

Shep clapped his hands. “That’s great to hear! We can travel together!”

So for the next two hours, Jay listened to the trolls bicker between themselves about whose job it was to take note of the rocks in the road, and whose job it was to count steps. Neither of them seemed like they were doing either. Their bickering turned into who could burp the loudest, or who had the most wax in their ears. It’s not a bad sort of conversation, Jay thought. He added to his list of things not to forget about this world: don’t stereotype these unknown creatures.

The border between Trevon and Mystor was made apparent by the two soldiers that sat on a bench next to the road. Half of the bench was painted yellow—the color of Mystor—and half of the bench was painted a royal blue, to symbolize Trevon. The soldiers chatted idly as the small group drew near, and as they passed the bench, the Mystor soldier gave a friendly wave and a smile to Jay saying, “welcome to Mystor!”

Other than the border, everything else seemed largely the same. The only difference was, as the trolls remarked, “These roads are a disgrace!” The roads were riddled with large stones, and great wheel ruts ran down the middle. “They need a good road troll,” Gilfred mused and Godfrey nodded.

It was only half an hour more until they reached a large town that sprawled over a large hill. The buildings were made of some kind of white plaster and red roofing. Women carried baskets of various fruits on their backs, children chased after goats, and men argued over prices.

“So how are we getting farther north?” asked Fleta, eyeing some sparking jewels.

“See how much commerce is going on here? It’s like this because of the river! We’re taking the river up to the north. That should be much faster than walking,” answered Shep.

“The river? The last time I was on a boat, I ended up seasick,” said Jay, suddenly looking panicked.

“You’ll live. A little seasickness never hurt anyone. We’ll leave tomorrow. Let’s enjoy our time here today.”

Jay felt a little sick already. He thought again darkly, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”


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Thu Jul 24, 2014 2:00 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here! Hey, Forti! :D

Sorry it took me so long to review this next chapter. I had a few review requests to take care of first, so yeah... But I am here now!

This chapter turned places we hadn't ever seen before. And the trolls! hee-hee These trolls are a far cry different than the typical trollish figures. They look like them, sure, but do not have the personality people associate with them. I think that was a very clever twist to put on your story. A book filled with stereotypes is boring, and you can guess how everything is going to happen even before it hints at you. Filling your book with original characters and plot/action will keep the story moving, and your reader engrossed with your book.

I am in agreement somewhat with the other reviewers. I feel like there is an over excessive amount of dialogue throughout this piece. No, let me rephrase that. Not an excessive amount of dialogue, but the words that don't add much to the story, and make it look like its a filler, almost like you didn't know what else to do. And there is nothing wrong with dialogue. Its a great thing to have in your chapters, and it always moves your story forward--or mostly. Just make sure that every bit of dialogue has a reason. A purpose. That every word a character says moves either them or their story along, and keeps the ball rolling. What you do not want is your story coming to a complete standstill during a conversation. Keep things lively! Implanting the trolls in there is a good example of keeping things moving. It kept your story moving forward, and kept both the pace and the story lively. Great! :D

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” thought Jay dejectedly

It’s not a bad sort of conversation, Jay thought.

He thought again darkly, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”


You have three different thoughts in this story--perhaps more, but I didn't see them when I looked. Two of them are set with quotation marks, just like they are dialogue, said aloud, and the middle one is written out like something to be faded into the background of the story. Neither dialogue or thought. Just another sentence. I suggest making all of them written in italics, removing the quotation marks, since technically no one is talking. So like this: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Jay thought. That kind of seperates the italics from the rest of the piece and makes it important, but doesn't turn it into dialogue. It's thought! It deserves its own category.

They hat pot bellies


Nitpick is fairly obvious. hat should be had

Two short creatures clambered out of the bushes


Okay, here I have merely a suggestion. You say that they are short, but how short are they really? Because being short is merely just a viewpoint. An ant thinks I am tall, but Goliath would consider me short--and yet I am 6'3. So give them something to be measured against. Perhaps even Jay himself could compare himself to them, and then make the measurement off that. Maybe they only come to his shoulder or something? That would be a very simple, and yet effective visual. :)

“So how are we getting farther north?” asked Fleta, eyeing some sparking jewels.


The part in bold. That is what I shall be talking about now. Yup. It may seem very small and insignificant, but it does matter. How did that move the story forward at all? Her eying the jewels actually moves the story back, because it focuses the reader on something that doesn't matter in the slightest. If it did matter, Shep would say something or there would be some other comment that furthered that mini-plot. But there was nothing. Little comments like that are harmless, and can move your story forward, but take care! Planting them in places of the story, especially at certain places, can be dangerous if you don't want to confuse your reader. If you don't want to bring attention to some sparkling jewels that aren't meant to be in the book, anyway, but merely a slight distraction.


I really enjoyed this piece, Fortis. I thought it was very well done, and I love the originality in everything you write. Nothing is stereotypical, not even the classic monsters of the fairy tales. When most people envision a troll, they picture some hugish monster with green drool coming out of its mouth. Maybe a few villagers hanging out of pockets. You know. But you made them extremely unique, and I love that. :) Just makes yours story that much better.

I wonder what is so special about this new town they are just now coming into... The magic of Trevon seemed entrancing to Jay, and it was a learning curve for him. Let's see what adventures this new town brings.
~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue May 20, 2014 1:30 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I see a cliche ;) Oh, and you fit it in there nicely too. Bravo.

So I have to say that I don't normally like stories like this. And what I mean by that is stories that just drag on and the characters just go along and learn new things and all that. But with yours, I am so intrigued. You draw me in chapter after chapter, getting me to read more. I do believe that it is your characters. You have been doing a tremendous job developing them. I learn more about them with each chapter. Do keep up the good work as you go along.

I do agree with Wolfie though. I wish you had spent more time focusing on the city. Maybe all we need to know about it is that there are white houses with red roofs and the women carried baskets of fruit. But what does Jay feel about it? Does it look foreign to him? Does it remind him of home? He seems to be completely content with the fact that he's stuck in a fantasy land with no way to even reach home. Shouldn't home still be lingering in his mind a bit? He doesn't seem like that kind of kid who is 100% sure they're going to run away and never come back. There is so much you could've done with that city. So many descriptions and thoughts that are left out.

Overall this story is moving very smoothly. Sounds like they will all continue their journey fairly soon, with maybe a quick stop at the city. Keep up the good work with your characterization. And remember, descriptions are nice, but connections and thought by the MC or any character are just as nice

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Rook says...


Thanks for your review! Yeah, I'm actually aware of these problems AS I'm writing it, but I'm so inexperienced with writing novels that I just write on. I don't even know what Jay's motive is yet. That shows up clearly. My books are mostly plot based. I'm glad you're fascinated by it. :)



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Fri May 16, 2014 12:59 am
Wolfi wrote a review...



Good job! I like your connection from the beginning to the end.

One such fruit was a “Jerechom,”

I think that a fruit name should be lowercase. Think about it- watermelon, strawberry, grape, apple. They're all lowercase.
There are a few nitpicks here and there, but not many.
Aren’t trolls supposed to be smelly, rude, and don’t they eat people?”

A better way to word this would be: "Aren't trolls supposed to be smelly and rude? Don't they eat people?"
They hat pot bellies

Hat? I think you meant had.
and a bit rude.

Another quotation mark after "rude."
“But we don’t eat people! The very nerve,” sniffed the first troll.

I think that "But we don't eat people!" sounds better. On second thought, yours is fine; just something to consider.
It was only half an hour more until they reached a large town that sprawled over a large hill. The buildings were made of some kind of white plaster and red roofing. Women carried baskets of various fruits on their backs, children chased after goats, and men argued over prices.

This could use a lot more details. Here, you vaguely described the town. This is a town on another planet! Tell the reader exactly what it looks like. I kind of pictured it as somewhere in Cario or Saudi Arabia because of the white plaster walls and the women carrying baskets on their heads.
Again, I was hoping for more action. It was half-heartedly there with the trolls, but that turned out to be just a few lines of friendly dialogue. Something misfortunate needs to happen to our trio of travelers. And please describe the sheep a little more. They were mentioned only once in this chapter. Maybe Jay should become attached to one of them during their journey. Maybe there's that one sheep that can't stop making noises. They are truly people, right? So characterize them. The reader shouldn't see them as a little flock of empty-headed sheep. Talk about them in the upcoming chapters more or insert some more in the past chapters. I know they have names; use them!
Otherwise, nice! I like the trolls. Hopefully there will be conflict coming soon!




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Mon May 12, 2014 3:06 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Beginning starts a bit slow.

I was hoping you were going with different types of fantasy creatures than the classics, and it seems I'm right now that we've met the road trolls. I like them:) Their disdain for the badly maintained roads is especially helpful in making them feel real.

The dialogue in this chapter is a bit slow still. I think you need to intersperse your description with your dialogue, and cut any dialogue that's not strictly necessary. Anything that doesn't develop characters, the relationship between them, plot, or add exposition. Humor is okay too, but don't write a lot of empty dialogue.

Usually borders are in a certain place for a reason. Mountains and rivers are common markers since they're a natural barrier. Sine you don't have one, you'll need to think about why the border is where it is.





So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6