Timmy here! Hey, Forti!
Sorry it took me so long to review this next chapter. I had a few review requests to take care of first, so yeah... But I am here now!
This chapter turned places we hadn't ever seen before. And the trolls! hee-hee These trolls are a far cry different than the typical trollish figures. They look like them, sure, but do not have the personality people associate with them. I think that was a very clever twist to put on your story. A book filled with stereotypes is boring, and you can guess how everything is going to happen even before it hints at you. Filling your book with original characters and plot/action will keep the story moving, and your reader engrossed with your book.
I am in agreement somewhat with the other reviewers. I feel like there is an over excessive amount of dialogue throughout this piece. No, let me rephrase that. Not an excessive amount of dialogue, but the words that don't add much to the story, and make it look like its a filler, almost like you didn't know what else to do. And there is nothing wrong with dialogue. Its a great thing to have in your chapters, and it always moves your story forward--or mostly. Just make sure that every bit of dialogue has a reason. A purpose. That every word a character says moves either them or their story along, and keeps the ball rolling. What you do not want is your story coming to a complete standstill during a conversation. Keep things lively! Implanting the trolls in there is a good example of keeping things moving. It kept your story moving forward, and kept both the pace and the story lively. Great!
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” thought Jay dejectedly
It’s not a bad sort of conversation, Jay thought.
He thought again darkly, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
You have three different thoughts in this story--perhaps more, but I didn't see them when I looked. Two of them are set with quotation marks, just like they are dialogue, said aloud, and the middle one is written out like something to be faded into the background of the story. Neither dialogue or thought. Just another sentence. I suggest making all of them written in italics, removing the quotation marks, since technically no one is talking. So like this: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Jay thought. That kind of seperates the italics from the rest of the piece and makes it important, but doesn't turn it into dialogue. It's thought! It deserves its own category.
They hat pot bellies
Nitpick is fairly obvious. hat should be had
Two short creatures clambered out of the bushes
Okay, here I have merely a suggestion. You say that they are short, but how short are they really? Because being short is merely just a viewpoint. An ant thinks I am tall, but Goliath would consider me short--and yet I am 6'3. So give them something to be measured against. Perhaps even Jay himself could compare himself to them, and then make the measurement off that. Maybe they only come to his shoulder or something? That would be a very simple, and yet effective visual.
“So how are we getting farther north?” asked Fleta, eyeing some sparking jewels.
The part in bold. That is what I shall be talking about now. Yup. It may seem very small and insignificant, but it does matter. How did that move the story forward at all? Her eying the jewels actually moves the story back, because it focuses the reader on something that doesn't matter in the slightest. If it did matter, Shep would say something or there would be some other comment that furthered that mini-plot. But there was nothing. Little comments like that are harmless, and can move your story forward, but take care! Planting them in places of the story, especially at certain places, can be dangerous if you don't want to confuse your reader. If you don't want to bring attention to some sparkling jewels that aren't meant to be in the book, anyway, but merely a slight distraction.
I really enjoyed this piece, Fortis. I thought it was very well done, and I love the originality in everything you write. Nothing is stereotypical, not even the classic monsters of the fairy tales. When most people envision a troll, they picture some hugish monster with green drool coming out of its mouth. Maybe a few villagers hanging out of pockets. You know. But you made them extremely unique, and I love that. Just makes yours story that much better.
I wonder what is so special about this new town they are just now coming into... The magic of Trevon seemed entrancing to Jay, and it was a learning curve for him. Let's see what adventures this new town brings.
~Darth Timmyjake
Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007
Donate