your fingers fumble against my waist
(looking for something?)
as you hold me
perhaps you found it;
a loose thread to tug
unravel me & wrap me
about our hands so
they can never let go
my falling apart holds us,
somehow, together
so snip a bit & tie it
about my neck
I'll wear it there always and remember
falling apart in your hands
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey Rhia ^^
So, this poem is cute in a way. I read it as a light hearted romance, or a treatise on relationships where you have the image of the string and the unraveling of a single person, and the re-tying of (two) people together. I'm not quite sure what to make of the tone, there seems to be a warmth/fondness to it: never let go, and at the same time a cold/darkness to it: snip a bit & tie it about my neck"
The speaker emphasizes "you" a lot, which seems to me that the "you" is ultimately in control of the relationship. The falling apart in your hands can be viewed in that dark tone like: because of you I am crumbling, or it can be viewed in a warm tone like what you have in the beginning: "my falling apart holds us somehow" where negative experiences can connect people.
I would've liked more concrete examples and scenes, but as it is, it's a small glimpse into an interesting relationship.
Some of the technical things:
fumble - just a strange word in this context. A person fumbles a ball, or you fumble through a purse or something, but to fumble at someone's waist...? Eh, I mean, I guess I'll buy it, maybe the person is a bad ballroom dancer? But then no where does it mention dancing. And then fumble against(?) something, that is, in opposition to it, just awkward phrasings.
maybe say: a loose thread to tug at, so it's not left hanging.
around* instead of about? Just so you get the exactness of the word. About is more vague.
no comma needed here, or in the previous line! Though, you can use a comma after this line:
my falling apart holds us somehow together, / so snip a bit
That's all I have to say. Great job!
~ as always, Audy
Okay, thanks. Those are really helpful suggestions which I will definitely change.
Honestly, I'd say you have your theme to thank for the beauty of this poem. Other than, It felt rushed to me. I didn't understand the structure and arrangement of your words. Nevertheless, you can't deny the subtle beauty emanating from within the poem and it's message; an interesting message it was! There isn't much going on with the imagery in my perspective largely due to your ''intermittent'' descriptions. You seem to have chosen to just have fun writing this piece because it does emit a playful atmosphere.
Tend your flame...
Yeah, it was just something where I wrote really quick for fun with no real deep meaning, just something that came to me in the moment. I might develop it a little more and add to it, though. Thanks for taking the time to review!
Hey! XD
So there is a pretty much complete lack of punctuation in this piece, which I assume is done on purpose.
Also, the lack of capitalization is a bit confusing at times.
I like what's you've done with the parenthesis: (looking for something?) and it also sounds like a rhetorical question, so double whammy.
The stanzas are uneven and that is ok, but the way you have done it seems a little disorganised. I am not entirely sure about the meaning of this work, but it seems quite abstract. I suppose, one interpretation I can offer is that: "falling apart in your hands" is the main part of the ideas conveyed here. I guess I will be thinking about the meanings of this more which is great - because I get to take something of the piece away with me.
Good job.
Hi catcha01 here with a review.
I like this poem its original and it taught me a new word "linonophobia". So thank you as well for that.
Now for the review part:
I noticed that the first line of the poem doesn't begin with a capital. It may be a good idea for grammatical purposes to begin that word with a capital "Y" just so that you could set off the poem as its own entity then appearing that it belongs to something else.
Also the poem is a bit hard to follow. If i hadn't looked up the title I wouldn't have had any idea that it related to the fear of string. I believe that it may be nice to hint this fact throughout the piece if you can.
Lastly does the narrator die at the end of the poem, by being strangled or being hanged perhaps? Thats the idea I had received after reading it. If this was your plan to convey such a scenario than wonderful job. I highly recommend that you better convey what you are trying to achieve by the end of the piece.
Besides that good job! It was a nice poem with an interesting concept.
Happy Writing!
~Catcha01
Thanks for reviewing. Haha, no that wasn't the meaning, but I think I like your take on it. I know that there isn't much to hint at linonophobia, but I like the titles that aren't a clear look at what the poem is. I like the reader to come into it curious, not knowing exactly what they'll be reading.
Alright I like that, disregard my next review in that case. It really did leave me wondering on the relation in which the title held with the poem. Good job!